Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Free at Last, I Am Free at Last

i want you to know that there is nothing to fear.

i want you to know that freedom is something that cannot be taken away. it is born within us, an inherent state of Being. we may choose to become distracted by illusions of bondage. we may choose to experience the feeling of being trapped. but these choices are truly indicators of exactly how free we are.

freedom is not something that can be quantified, defined, mandated, or granted.

freedom is a feeling.

you cannot take away a feeling.

feelings are something over which we humans have full control. we can create whatever feeling we like. indeed, we do so every day. every form of art, music, film, and literature is created with the intention of invoking a feeling. our feelings stem from the stories we tell ourselves, and the stories we tell each other.

many people today are telling a very frightening story. many people are telling stories of how we will lose our freedom. of how we have already lost so much of our freedom, and "They" want to take the rest away. some people are telling the story of how we will not let "Them" take our freedom. that we will fight to the death to protect our freedom from their greed and lies and corruption.

but a few people are telling a different story altogether. a few people are telling the story of how, no matter how big and scary the illusion is, it doesn't change how free we are. we are freedom, embodied.

we make choices every day. some of these choices illustrate our inherent freedom. others play into the illusion of being trapped. either way, our choices are made purely because we are free to make them.

no amount of guns, legislation, or dictatorship can ever suppress the natural Force of the Universe. nobody has ever taken away the freedom of another. if there has ever been the experience of lack of freedom, it is because we allowed the strength of the illusion to overpower the strength of our Knowing that not one person has power over another.

the greatest revolution that will happen, that is happening, on this planet... is the revolution within each of us. soon we will all know that the only ones who robbed us of our freedom were ourselves.

be well, my friends. remember your freedom, and fear not the big bad goings-on that surround us in these times. it will not last.

Monday, September 19, 2011

on the crest of an expanding wave

i am feeling an increasing awareness of the presence of my Source. it pervades all moments and makes me feel like, through it, i am reaching out into infinite directions and touching everything and everyone. it feels good.

today, as i walked my dog, we came across a conflict. a group of GLBT students surrounded a man who was holding up a large sign with some bible quotes on it. he was arguing that only through Christ can one find salvation, that homosexuality is a sin, etc. the GLBT students were of course outraged. as i approached, i felt my heart rate become more intense. i participated by saying that i thought it was beautiful that we all have the freedom to choose our own perspectives. eventually they all decided to ignore him, which i though was a lovely idea. i left at that point, but as i walked home i couldn't help but ponder the energy of what had occurred.

i delighted in the contrast of it! i found it exciting, and as i came away from it i recognized that my Inner Being had delighted in it as well, because from it had been created something new and expanded. and the same went for the Inner Being of every single participant in the conflict. each of them was asking for something, and Source has become it for all of them. were they to let go and know that All Is Well, they would receive what they asked for immediately. as i walked away, i did just that, and i rode the wave of expansion almost as it was happening. what a thrill!

it feels good to feel good. it is so good to know that i am always surrounded by Love. that i am always safe and secure and taken care of. it feels good to see my life through the eyes of Source. it feels good to feel the presence of Source right there with me, on the leading edge, experiencing what i experience, sharing my life with me. it is truly the greatest Partnership i could ask for :)


Wednesday, September 14, 2011

flowing ideas

it's been a while since i've written, and i feel like a lot has been happening internally this entire year and i haven't really shared much of it. mostly because i'm not quite sure how to put it into words. but often i find that writing clears my mindspace. it's as if the words are jumbled up in my head, floating around and wanting to be expressed in some way, and when i finally put them down on paper (or a screen), they are transported out of my awareness so i no longer need to listen to them jabbering at me.

so i have this homework assignment. oh yeah, did i tell you? i'm back in school! yay! i'm going for Digital Cinema, which is exciting! filmmaking is something i've always wanted to do, and this feels so good to be doing this... to have something tangible to flow my action/creative energy towards. so my homework that i am supposed to be getting done for class tomorrow is simple in theory, but i'm not sure how to go about it. i have to create a story board to accompany a poem that i will be visually interpreting on camera. the poem should not be acted out or directly interpreted, but should leave some mystery and intrigue in the way it is portrayed in the short video. my struggle is that, i am using the poem i wrote last year called "I Am The Summer." (

the problem, the solution of which i intend to receive, is that the poem is already very blatantly visual. every line is describing a literal object or scenario. the meaning behind the poem is that god/spirit/consciousness/The Movie resides in each and every moment... in every single aspect of every moment... as if it has all been directed and choreographed to be there, in perfect timing and synchronicity. as if it IS a film that we are all playing our part in. so how can i play that idea into a visual expression as the film is being read aloud over the screen shots?

what if i made it about a girl? and you could never quite glimpse her in her entirety, but from what you could catch she seemed beautiful and magical... and then in the final scene, you see her weeping, face-down on the grass, hair covering her head and arms... oooh images are flowing now!

so in the first scene, she is lying in the grass, and there is an extreme close-up, blurred image of her hair on the grass, and a butterfly goes by... and the image slowly comes into focus.

next scene, the girl is seen through the leaves of bushes and trees, running. playing.

next scene, just the girl's hand and arm are seen as she goes around a tree, her hand brushing against the bark.

next: the camera follows a leaf as it flutters down and lands near or on the girl (never seeing her face), who is lying in the grass.... the shot widens and we see....:

next shot: shot widens to find the girl is face-down on the grass, weeping, the leaf clutched in her hand.

ok i'm ready for bed now :D

Sunday, September 4, 2011


i just spent the majority of this weekend watching the TV mini-series "Dollhouse."

what an intense experience.

returning to my "real" life, i find my internal world chaotic and strange to me. it is amazing that a visual story (a movie or a tv show) can evoke such a powerful vibrational effect on a person. i was completely absorbed into the show... i HAD to find out what happened next. i HAD to see it through to the end, even though so much of the show made me feel emotional discomfort and agitation.

i imagine that is how Source feels before entering a physical body. no matter how agitating and uncomfortable some of the physical experiences may be, there is an intrigue that is intoxicating and addictive. the EXPERIENCE is so thrilling, to be feeling so much color and life and diversity of emotion and thought and idea.

i am so glad i watched the entirety of the show. thank god it was only 2 series, or i would have locked myself in my room for days until i finished it!

i'm going to school these days, and i am intending to major in Digital Cinema at the community college i attend. it's amazing how easily that is unfolding for me. i am taking Screenwriting, Intro to Field Production, and Drawing 1. this is perfect for me. it is getting me in the mindset of filmmaking. it is giving me the knowledge and understanding i need in order to make this my career. i am feeling encouraged and supported along this path, and i know that it is taking me in exactly the direction i want to go! there is no need for me to "make" anything happen, because i have this deep, pervasive sensation that everything in that department has already been created and is unfolding perfectly for me and all i am doing is going along for the ride and absorbing information, gaining new perspective.

i am beginning to gain the sense that, if i feel this way about my career path and it is unfolding so easily, then the other aspects of my life that i have been asking for and creating for so long (romantic relationships in particular) are unfolding in the same way and i can just let go and go for the ride.

with school... i had to take a break. after freshman year, i had to leave, because i knew i wasn't doing what i loved, but i wasn't able to recognize and accept and acknowledge that doing what i really love IS possible. it took me 2 years to finally come to the realization that i HAD to be filmmaking, or i would never be happy. it's what i've wanted to do my entire life, since before i could put it into words. i have always wanted to be an actress and i have always wanted to make films. these desires are Divine Inspiration. they are what cause Life Force to flood my very existence.

so perhaps the same goes for romance. taking a break is something i've said i wanted to do, but whenever i do, something or somebody comes in to change my mind. i guess i need to get clear on what i really want and just focus on that and know it is already created for me... the path is laid out. now i just need to be okay with not being "there" today, knowing that i will be eventually.


Wednesday, August 17, 2011

God is in the Puke

recently i began working as a bartender at a local bar. it's a great job! i make a lot of money on a steady basis, and i'm basically facilitating the good times of everyone who comes in.

last night, however, i had my first puke cleanup.

i was thoroughly grossed-out by the idea of having to do this task, and was putting it off, hoping someone else would pick up the job for me. but i went into the kitchen to put in a load of dishes, and as i was coming out, this phrase came into my mind:

"God is in the puke."

i instantly cracked up, and my resistance to the nasty cleaning job lifted. i put on some rubber gloves and cleaned up that puke like it was nobody's business.

sometimes life just presents itself, and whether we like it or not, we are experiencing it. but it is all the same Stuff. it is all coming from the same Source. it is all coming from and going back to Love.

the best way to feel good about all of it is to remember that it's all Go(o)d.

yes, even puke is part of God.

the phoenix

Monday, August 1, 2011

the Heart's embrace of the entire Universe

this last week, my vibration has sped up so much that i am currently riding on a high and exciting wave of love and appreciation!

and i did this!

i remembered the importance of feeling uncomfortable emotions, and i began asking the emotions what the story was that was creating the feeling. then i recognized that, because the emotion felt uncomfortable, it meant that the story was pointed in the opposite direction of Source. i began gently guiding my story back towards Source.

gradually, my mood began to shift! i've also been listening to Abraham Hicks again, and it is amazing how uplifted and soothed i am by Esther's voice as she speaks as Abraham. i am immediately reminded of my power and the love that surrounds me.

so today i began in hope and optimism, and i recognized it and i just appreciated myself for being there. i stabilized there for a little while, and then i began creeping up the emotional scale. i got myself an iced coffee and chatted with my friend who works at the shop i got it from. it was delicious (i LOVE black iced coffee, and haven't had a cup in a few weeks). then i went to the YMCA (getting a membership there was the best choice i could make for myself) for my first day of kickboxing class! it was so much fun, and i really worked my body hard! it was great. then, immediately afterward, i got to do yoga with my friend who teaches the class. i thought i was going to miss yoga today because the class i usually go to was at the same time as kickboxing, but then i saw my friend walk in and i was like "OMG yoga today?!" and so physically i feel great. then after that, i went to my special tree friend and rampaged so much appreciation all over myself and my life.

then tonight i was texting my friend, and he told me he was feeling a little hungover. so i offered to send him some healing/soothing energy. he agreed, and as i was sending it, i just felt my heart open so wide. it felt amazing. but then i started thinking about some uncomfortable moments and interactions i had had recently that had been bothering me a little bit, and i was still feeling my heart incredibly wide open, and i felt like my heart grew arms and pulled into its loving embrace all of the people i had tried to "push out" of my experience. it felt so good. it still feels good.

it made me realize that that must be what causes friction between people... we "push out" an aspect of ourselves that we have decided isn't worthy of love, and then we see it in other people and we get angry with them or feel hurt by them or judge them in some way. and simultaneously we express in an out-of-balance way that same aspect of ourselves. but the universe consists of everything, and all of it is "worthy" of love! worthiness isn't even a question, because it all IS love and there is no judgement of where the love should go. there is nowhere for it to go, it just is. there is nowhere it cannot be. and so, by embracing these aspects of ourselves, represented by others who have "harmed us," we acknowledge that "i am all of this universe, and i am completely lovable and loved. i love mySelf completely!"

eeeeeee! i feel so good right now! it is so fantastic to be alive!

the phoenix

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

quiet Power

you know you've reached a place of Powerful allowing when, in the midst of emotional turmoil, the quiet voice of Reason rings like a clear, high bell over the din of fear and anguish.

Monday, July 11, 2011

The Orchestra

my love for myself has flourished and blossomed so gently and sweetly. now, when an emotion comes up that feels sad or angry or upsetting in some way, i am able to find the source of Love benieth it, and appreciate myself for it.

every emotional response comes from Love, even if it doesn't appear to be Love in the moment of its expression. it always comes from a deep source of Love.

for example, my most recent emotional experiences have been with regards to relationships and romantic love. i've felt a lot of aching, longing, grieving, sadness. it's a feeling most of us have encountered, because it is such a pervasive collective vibration on this planet. it comes from a deep, deep desire to share profound love and bliss with another. this is a beautiful desire (indeed it is the core of every aspect of Creation), and it can be made real in the physical world. all desires can be made real in the physical world. but as we know, it takes a Knowing and a letting go and a Trusting for the Universe to be allowed to make real these desires of ours. the pain we have experienced in romantic relationship is from holding on. and then "losing." we love someone so much that we try to grasp onto them and keep them close and when the inevitable happens... change, of course... we feel the discord as pain and grief because we haven't kept up to speed with life as it has become. the emotions labled "pain," "longing," and "grief," are the discordant sounds of the human instrument being out of tune with the Universal Orchestra. it is what happens when we try to keep playing a beautiful line of music that we loved so much, when the Orchestra has moved on to even more beautiful notes and melodies, and we are now playing the wrong notes.

from where i am now, the best option i can see, if i want to catch up with the Orchestra, is to just stop playing for a little while. i am letting go of relationships. i am letting go of sex. i am letting go of that beautiful and honorable desire. i know that eventually, it is being made real in the physical world. i know this, and i have known it for my entire life. but i have grown weary of trying to make it happen in the wrong timing. i no longer wish to try directing the Orchestra, because it is so Vast and complex and beautiful that i feel constantly lost when i try. i just want to let go, allow my instrument to tune itself up, and play my part as Directed. i want to get into the flow of the Music.

it feels so good to be in the Flow, whether or not others are there with me. that's where i choose to be. i am letting go now.

the Phoenix

Saturday, July 9, 2011

acid tripping, sunlight eating, and celibacy

this last week has been beautiful. it's amazing how quickly time passes these days, yet how suspended in each moment i feel most of the time.

last weekend i went to Phish's Super Ball IX. what a great time! i met some amazing people, including a few of the artists who had been hired to make some of the installations at the festival. what cool people they were! and i left the festival feeling inspired to just start making things. my dad gave me a sketch book, and i am realizing how much my drawing muscles have atrophied over the last several years. it's ok though. one revelation i had during the last night of Super Ball was "nothing is lost in the spirit of the Lord."

i never use the term "the Lord," but this phrase came to me after i had taken some acid. i recognized that it applies to everything; physical items, people, talents, knowledge, abilities, connections, health, love... even "sanity" and cognition. every time i felt some worry creep up, that perhaps i was tripping too hard and wouldn't come back this time, i thought of this phrase and knew everything would be alright. hallucinogens always remind me of my ultimate power in choosing how well the Trip goes. whether i am tripping on acid or tripping on life itself, i am always in control of the feeling. in every moment, i can choose to focus on things that bring me down or things that excite me. and when you're tripping, you do not want to focus on things that bring you down, even for a moment, because you can immediately feel where it will take you emotionally, and if you continue down that path, it can really affect you on a deep level, because you may go all the way into the depths of your own self-created hell. this happens in "normal" life as well, but it is much subtler and sneakier sometimes, because your sensitivities aren't heightened to these things. unless you train yourself to become sensitive in that way, and then it becomes easier and easier.

so that is what i am doing now. this week has been lovely because i have been letting go more, and i am finding it easier to do tasks around my house that i was really feeling overwhelmed by. doing laundry, vacuuming, tidying up in general ways. i'm eating well, drinking lots of water, doing yoga, going for walks with my dog, and practicing my artwork. that's what it is. you have to practice.

so i'm also learning the flute. someone sold a flute to my dad for 10 bucks, and he gave it to me to fiddle around with. it's really fun, i can actually make a nice sound on it, and the fingerings aren't very difficult. i played clarinet in middle and high school. this is very different though, because for half of the notes (the higher octave), you have to change your embouchure to make the note higher. but all of that will just take practice as well.

my body is becoming stronger, healthier, more beautiful. it's wonderful to witness, and it is so nice to live in a family that supports these things. yesterday, my dad and i went grocery shopping and bought the most amazing array of fresh fruits, vegetables, and various other items (raw cashews, dates, craisins, granola, honey, peanut butter, almond milk, dark chocolate with sea salt and almonds (!!!), juice, feta cheese, greek yogurt, etc). everything available to me now is something i am in total alignment with eating. one thing i have decided is: i will never again eat meat that has been corn-fed. during the phish festival, i was staying with some dudes from colorado, and they had brought all of this really amazing organic, grass-fed meat. it was unlike any meat i'd ever had before. it was as if i had never eaten meat before in my life, i had been eating some mediocre excuse for meat. for a while i kept fighting with myself, trying to be vegetarian (because i thought i "should"), but not having a good enough excuse to give up meat (i have no problem with eating animals, i see nothing wrong with it). now i have a great excuse to give up most meat, because i don't ever want to eat shitty meat again. grass-fed meat is so much better for the body. it is full of nutrition, and high in omega 3 fatty acids, which are necessary for the body's function. plus it is tastier, has much better texture, and it's not full of antibiotics, hormones, and stress-chemicals from the animals living in unnatural environments.

i haven't talked much about food on this blog before, but i think i will take some time to talk about my perspective on food. we all have our own beliefs about food, and as many of you know, your beliefs create your reality. some people believe that a raw vegan diet is the best for the human body. this is actually coming to be a very popular belief, and i understand why. for the most part, my diet is mainly raw just by default. i love fresh fruits and vegetables, they are delicious. often i will steam my veggies (you can't really eat raw asparagus... it just doesn't work). but there are many other things that humans have invented that are incredibly nutritious and beneficial to the human body. for example: yogurt. this is an amazingly healthy food, and it is neither raw nor vegan. it hosts a number of healthy bacteria that assist the body's digestion. it is also high in protein and healthy fat. plus, if it is coming from grass fed cows, it is high in vitamins and nutrients that the cow received from the grass it ate, which received the loving rays of the sun.

if you think about eating sunlight, you'll have a good diet. the closer you are to eating fresh sunlight, the healthier your body is going to be. this is my belief system, and i rather enjoy it. there's no "rules" or "no-nos," it's just common sense and listening to my own body. fresh vegetables and fruits, dairy (including butter) and eggs from grass-fed animals, grass-fed meats, wild seafood... these are all foods that are very close to the sunlight which gives everything physical energy. eating processed foods that are all made in dark factories with very little love and attention... probably not the best thing for the body. it's not going to be harmful in a moderate amount, but some people create their entire diet based on things in packages. there is no sunlight. there is no Love.

there are some things, however, that are human inventions, which are beautiful to consume (again, everything in moderation). fermented foods, like Kim Chi ( and yogurt all help the digestive system. and bread is a human staple, and has been for thousands of years, across all cultures. there is a reason for this, and i believe that humans have intuited ways of nourishing their bodies by using things in nature in different ways to create certain effects. tea is really good for you, and there are many different kinds for many different purposes... but you don't find tea in nature as a liquid. humans had to figure out that boiling it would extract the beneficial flavors and effects from the leaves or flowers. and rice is impossible to eat raw, but if you boil it, it is edible and incredibly nutritious, especially when combined with legumes of some type.

i agree, raw and fresh is better in most cases. but any time you take something to an extreme, you're disallowing yourself a full experience of life. i sometimes eat potato chips. there is nothing nutritious about potato chips! but they're tasty, and they compliment a sandwich very well (way better than carrot sticks).

on a new subject, one thing i am taking slightly to an extreme is sex, or rather no sex. i am deliberately choosing celibacy at this time in my life. i have several interrelated reasons for this. the primary reason is that i haven't found a strong and mutual heart connection with a man yet. i know i will soon. but without that connection, sex is thoroughly unsatisfying, and actually creates immense emotional turmoil within me. it's quite a distraction, and saps me of the energy that i need to do and create other things. to my very core, i know that sex is supposed to be an invigorating and beautiful experience, that takes both parties to a new level of understanding, of each other and themselves. i haven't experienced this kind of sex yet, and it has frustrated me a lot. i know i am a powerful and sexy woman, and i deserve to be worshipped and loved by a powerful and sexy man. so i am waiting for that man, and i am savoring the waiting. i know that after celibacy, such a sexual encounter will be earth-shattering, life-changing, magnificent to behold. for me, that is something worth waiting for.

so that is my update. note that these are all personal revelations, not universal truths. so anyone reading this can disregard whatever doesn't vibe with them, and if you can find a morsel of truth in what i have said, that pertains to your life, then i have done my job well.

love you all!


Saturday, June 25, 2011

What Would Maude Do?

i just finished watching Harold and Maude again. i've seen it so many times, but every time is like the first time. i catch a new insight, a new feeling, a new glimpse into what life could be if i would decide that it was important enough to make it that way.

my primary desire in life: to LIVE life in the way Maude teaches Harold to live.

my second desire in life: to CREATE a movie that affects people (and myself) in the way this movie affects me. there is no greater work of art than one that can create such a flood of glorious emotion, Unnamed and Powerful. leaving the witness feeling raw, invigorated, shaken, uplifted, and swollen with the desire to LIVE LIFE in the way it is supposed to be lived.

this movie fills me with more inspiration and fuel than any self-help book or 12-step program. because it FEELS so REAL and possible! it feels like Maude is just an older version of myself, and Harold is me where i am, and i am showing myself the way to my own Kingdom.

the movie finishes with me pouring out emotion through my face and chest, reveling in the immensity and beauty of the pure energy that i feel. it is magnificent to be alive, and i MUST take action TODAY to live my life in Maude's Image.

that would be a wonderful tattoo: What Would Maude Do?

perfect for the inner wrist. i've been trying to come up with a short phrase to go on the inside of my right wrist (the left is taken up by the Czech Lion) to remind me to let go and be free and easy in my life. i think that is a lovely line of thinking... perhaps a better phrasing will come to mind.

i love feeling this awake!


pruning a thorny rose bush

it seems to be so easy for old habits to creep back in, like a thorny weed overgrowing a garden. today i was trimming a plant. it was in our back yard and my dad had thought it was a weed and trimmed it back, and when he did so, it began to flower. so he re-planted it in our front garden so it would grow up the side of our house. it is incredibly vigorous though, and after only a couple of weeks, there were thorny, grabby shoots reaching out into our driveway. i trimmed a lot of the branches off completely, hoping to re-direct the plant's energy into the shoots that were reaching up the house.

i suppose one must treat the mind like a plant in this way. there are thorns and if you allow it to grow unruly, they will grab at you and get stuck to you and you will have a harder time trimming it and keeping it directed in the way you like. but if you do regular maintenance, it will grow in the way you want, and you won't be grabbed by prickers reaching in the wrong direction. the emotions tell you which direction the mind is growing in; negative emotion indicates that the mind is growing away from Who You Truly Are, and positive, loving emotions indicate that the mind is growing towards Who You Truly Are. soon, with the right pruning and nurturing, you will have a beautiful flowering creation that displays your care and attention.

paying attention to the mind as well as the emotions is important. it becomes an art form, and i feel like i am in kindergarten using crayons and coloring books! but we all have to start somewhere, so the best i can do is act like a kindergartener and just laugh at everything. everything's gonna be alright.


Wednesday, June 22, 2011

stretching the heart

pain is the experience of the heart stretching open to receive more love. pain is when the heart has been small and stiff for a long time, but the time comes for enormous amounts of love to flow through. at first, in a massage, there is pain where the knots have accumulated and are kneeded out by a loving masseuse. after the knots have softened and relaxed (released resistance), the massage is able to penetrate the tissue to deep levels. love may hurt at first, especially if one has closed the heart to it for so long. but once the heart has been pummeled with the force of it, Love is able to penetrate the tissues, physical and etherial.

i intend to let go and allow the penetration, though it may hurt at first. it may burn and sting and ache. it does. it won't forever though. i trust that eventually, this enormous amount of love that wants to flow through me will feel like bliss. for now it feels mildly uncomfortable, and that is progress. there was a time when it felt incredibly painful and i couldn't handle it. it was heavy and intense and i couldn't share it with anyone around me, because they were closed-off, too.

today, things are different. this powerful River of Love has blasted my heart open, and is ever-expanding me and my capacity for love. it is intense, and i have resisted much. but the more i experience the pain of resisting my own Love, the more i understand the importance of releasing and allowing. the easier it becomes to find the eye of the storm. the more i am able to trust what my feelings are telling me and the direction in which i need to focus.

i'm going to be okay. i'll be better than okay. the more i get the hang of this, the more fun i have in life. that is the whole point: to have fun. i'm getting this, and i'm going to be great. i am great. everything is wonderful.


the end of a chapter titled "A Kite in a Tempest."

yes this chapter is closed. relationships, however brief or longterm, are chapters that all have endings. the pain comes from trying to continue the chapter beyond its end point.

this most recent chapter was turbulent, full of tension between my heart's truest Knowing, and my mind trying to convince itself that this was what i wanted. in the end, i could not ignore my heart any further. and after the end, i waded through a mire of discordant emotion resulting from the mind's attempt at continuing the chapter.

i have ended it in a clean way, with blessings all around. i am ready to write the new chapter of my life's story, whatever it may contain, and whatever my character may learn and experience.

i know what i deserve in a true-love relationship, and i know what my heart feels like when it knows this is "not it." so i am sure i will know when i know "this is it."

i am not going back to the old and painful dramatic writing of previous relationships. i have a deep, conscious, powerful heart connection being prepared for me, and i am ready and willing to wait for it to cook in the ethers. in the meantime, i am gonna have some fun and continue letting go and allowing the All to open my heart wide.


Tuesday, June 21, 2011

the importance of focus

as humans, with limited perspective and control over the way life works, we have one job.

focus the mind in the right direction.

this is all we truly have control over in life. people, places, events come and go. emotions come and go. things come and go. we have one choice we must make at every turn in the road, and that is "shall i look at this situation in a way that makes me feel a little better or a little worse?"

this is the most powerful choice anyone can make. and without focus, it is easy to make this choice by default. i've found myself lacking focus lately, and i've noticed that it truly affects the outcome of any situation in my life. when you consciously make the choice to think about things in a way that feels a little better, it keeps you open to possibilities. it allows things to come in. it allows your awareness to alight upon ideas that may have been out of reach had you chosen to think otherwise.

i am glad i am coming back to my powerful place of focus. i'm glad i chose to de-rail my own train for a little while, because it just reinforces my understanding of how good it feels to be on-track. it gives me power while the physical world around me shifts and changes. it gives me my sealegs back.

focus is very much like sea legs because while the waves and winds of the physical world toss and turn your boat around, you have stability in this moment now. and you know what you can do next, and you don't panic.

this is the simplest key to living the life of one's dreams, and it is funny that i forgot its importance. but i'm glad i'm remembering, and i'm glad i'm taking up the reigns again. this feels good :)

Thursday, June 16, 2011

i am Creator

i am letting go of burdens i once thought i needed to carry.

i am allowing myself to be stretched open by the vastness of Cosmic Penetration.

i am letting the layers of fabric that have been thrown over me in embarrassment and shame, be stripped from me to reveal my naked and quivering flesh.

i am opening my mouth wide and sucking the orgasm from Life's enormous dick. the cum is sweet and thirst-quenching, and the afterglow is heady and smells of early summer.

i am donning my cape and flying around the world, performing miracles and breathing life into that which was once thought to be dead.

i am alighting upon a hillside and surrendering all guises and asking a Tree to show me the Way. finding my questions silently answered, and my worries deeply soothed from below and above, i give Thanks, and frolic home to find more trouble to get into.

i am remembering that all the experience is Perfection, and it is because i am exploring an infinitely-faceted diamond that i feel the peaks and planes. if i wanted to feel only one feeling, i would explore a crystal ball. but that would be a different thing altogether, now wouldn't it?

i am feeling my heart open wide to hug my lover, my Father, my Mother, my Friend, my Self.

i am caught in a third-person sensation as i artfully butter my english muffin, and catch mySelf gazing lovingly through my eyes at the human that i wear every day. she is so adorable. i love her, sweet thing.


the phoenix burns herself alive.

the Phoenix burns. her Self: Alive.

the Phoenix burns herself to life

the phoenix burns herself a life

the phoenix burns herself alive.

Friday, June 10, 2011

the phoenix burns herself alive

it has been a while since i updated this blog... and much has happened and unfolded in my experience. the most prominent manifestation is a new relationship, which has proven to be an incredible catalyst for metamorphosis.

for as long as i can remember, i have been carrying some of the heaviest energy around with regards to relationships. longing, unworthiness, pain, and fear are just some descriptors that don't really begin to nail down the feelings i have carried. i don't know where or why i picked up these vibrations, but it's been a long and beautiful experience to uncover them and cast them into the Void from which they came.

every relationship i've had in the past has been fleeting and shallow for one main reason: the man i was with didn't understand the energy that i was carrying needed to be burned away. when the old and heavy emotions began to rise to the surface and be felt, they freaked out and ran away. i had to burn off a lot of that stuff on my own, and that was perfect. since beginning this new relationship, i've experienced an immense amount of emotional baggage being ripped through me. like a wildfire clearing out the old brush of a forest, to make way for new saplings and undergrowth, this new love roared through me and i could do nothing but break down and cry from pain and relief.

and what's best about this? he hasn't run away. he hasn't cringed. he hasn't taken it personally. he just smiles and tells me "i'm here to support you." and while i cry and cry, breaking apart layers and layers of old exoskeleton that has needed shedding for eons, he just witnesses so lovingly.

so while i am screamed at and reprimanded and warned by the bits of my mind that are attached to the exoskeleton, i will stand with love in the center of the metamorphosis and know that all is well, and know that man is exactly who i have asked for. he has already proven beyond the shadow of a doubt that he can handle me. and now all i can do is allow myself to burn. i will be resurrected, brighter and more glorious than i ever was before. and he will be there to witness me.


Tuesday, May 10, 2011

complaining vs. appreciation

i am currently doing business in boston. i'm buying textbooks back from college students through a buy-back company. the first couple days were stressful, and i found myself feeling very complainy, which is not normal for me anymore. usually i catch myself pretty quick, but i found myself on a downward-spiral, and ended up venting to my friend about all the things i found wrong with this operation.

sometimes you need to get it out of you so you can look at it and decide if it's what you really want, you know?

so this morning, i woke up, and in that hazy half-dream-consciousness in the snoozes between alarm rings, i decided that today was going to be my day of appreciation. no more complaining.

and it was amazing!

first of all, i truly appreciate myself for recognizing this, and making an empowered choice to change my focus. and then actually doing it. and succeeding at it!

i spent hours waiting for folks to come by to sell me their textbooks, and i just watched people go by and listed things i appreciated about them just based on the few moments i saw them as they walked past me. at one point, when i was feeling really good from appreciating so much, a whole gaggle of high school track-running dudes ran by me while they were all laughing! it was perfect! i even made friends with our "competition," who happens to be set up right next to us. the girl running that show turned out to be really nice and we decided to join efforts and look out for each other. i like that a lot.

it was really like Abraham-Hicks says: when you know what you don't want, you automatically know what you do want. focus all of your attention on that, and you will begin to come back into alignment with Who You Are. in my case, it was as simple as knowing that i didn't want to complain anymore, because it really left a bad taste in my mouth, so to speak. so i turned all of my attention onto appreciating, and i felt amazing the whole day. the more i get used to these high vibrations, the faster i snap back into them if i start to dip down into lower vibrations and old habits. i'm really becoming aware. and i'm becoming aware more and more each day that i have so far to go... i have eternity to evolve, and i'm never going to get it done. it's ok to text the limits and explore and "forget" for a day or two, because it serves as a great affirmation of what i know to be True. during times when i start to doubt, i'll find myself in scenarios like i did yesterday, and i'll prove to myself that there is no doubt... i am creating my reality, and what i focus on generates what i attract, and it gets bigger and bigger the more energy i add to it. there is no doubt about that at all, i can see very clearly that this is what happened yesterday. i'm glad i did that and explored out on the rough and ragged edge, because now i feel my focus is more strongly on what is going right. and i am keeping a sharper eye out on my habits now than ever before, firmly planting my feet in the direction of appreciation instead of complaint.

i'm looking forward to tomorrow and the new appreciation adventure i will take!


Friday, May 6, 2011


i'm not entirely sure what i came here to write, but here goes...

i'm realizing more and more that i am purely vibrational in nature. it's as if the physical reality i perceive is this blanket that lays over the vibrational reality that is invisible. and where there is a crease in the fabric, i know there is a vibration that needs smoothing. it's as though i just gained a new pair of eyes, but they don't see light. and i've gained a new pair of hands, but they don't mould clay. it's as though my very being stretches out beyond my skin and muscle and bone and out into eternity.

these are things i've heard before from others, and yes it's all very poetic. but i'm actually feeling it now. how interesting it is to be alive and focused in a physical body, yet very aware of the true Essence of Who I Am.


Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Life and Death: A Love Story

usually i do my best to ignore most of the goings-on in the old world. i am focusing as much of my mental energy as i can on creating my new world. but in lieu of the recent death of Osama Bin Ladin, and how stirred-up everyone is over it, i think this is an appropriate time to put my thoughts into written form. it's really annoying to have my opinion floating around in my head without being expressed somewhere!

when i first found out about Bin Ladin's death, i was completely nonplussed. it's been such a long time since i even thought of that "reality" that it was pretty much old news to me.

then, all the opinions started flying on facebook. it was rather difficult to ignore an old reality that seemed to be seeping into mine. half of my friends spouted political hyperbabble, theorizing what this would mean to the rest of the world. the other half posted a viral MLK quote, which, as it turns out, is completely erroneous. but none of these opinions really resonated with me, and i didn't know why.

until i remembered.

there is no such thing as death.

energy is flowing, moving, shifting, transforming. but even physics will tell you that there is no beginning or end to an energy. what appears to be an end is really just a shift into a different form. the physical body that was once referred to as Osama Bin Ladin may not be animated of its own accord anymore, but the Spirit that experienced life through that body does exist, and has expanded as a result of the contrast lived. not only this, but the thought-form that Bin Ladin accumulated around himself still exists. fear, hatred, anger, and all of those vibrations still exist. and obviously you can't kill fear, hatred, and anger with guns or weapons or anything physical. really, trying to do so will only feed those vibrations and make them stronger, more prevalent.

Bin Ladin was like the canary in the coal mine. he embodied such an extreme form of low vibration that it brought forth that vibration that was hidden within us all. we even justified acting from that vibrational level by saying "he started it!"

the best thing any of us can do is feel the emotional response to the idea of Bin Ladin. stop telling the story of why he was wrong and we are right. stop telling the story of who he hurt and what went wrong, and blah blah blah. stop telling those stories and FEEL the emotion. feel it. don't label it as wrong. don't push it away. don't run from it. don't even talk about it. feel it and surrender to it. allow it to exist. because if we keep pushing against it, trying to eradicate all anger, fear, sadness, pain, and hatred, it's just going to grow angrier and sadder, more painful and more fearful.

those emotions are like children who have been deprived of love. they are literally throwing temper tantrums, BEGGING for love, and we are trying to shut them up by spanking them and sending them to their room with no dinner. how is this loving? how is this resolving anything? how does this make us righteous?

let us embrace all of Everything. God/Goddess/the Universe/The Field/Universal Intelligence/The Divine/Consciousness exists everywhere, in everything. that includes Osama Bin Ladin. that includes George W. Bush. that includes "our" side and "their" side. that includes the lion and the lamb. it is all one thing experiencing itself. we can judge "right" and "wrong" all we like, but it only separates us further and holds us back from fully recognizing our True Selves.

so that's my two cents. i'm letting go of it now.


Monday, April 18, 2011

jack of speed

i have joined the local Roller Derby team in my town. it is so much fun! and i am super sore.

there's something very satisfying about being sore from exerting lots of physical energy doing something fun. tonight was my first practice, and i have been dubbed "Fresh Meat" for now. i like that :P

i had a mild epiphany during practice. i noticed i felt more stable the faster i was going, and it was easier to go around the bend without losing balance, because the momentum would keep me from falling. yes, going faster means that falling hurts more. but that's part of the game.

it's the same with life. when you get goin' at that really high, fast vibration, feeling really good and getting shit done... that feels great, and it is more stable. sure, if you let yourself get distracted, or you trip over some negative feeling, it will probably hurt worse than if you were plodding along at a steady rate of unhappiness, and then an unfortunate event presented itself to you... the latter would be like just another bump in the road.

but that's part of the game. you might get a few bruises. they'll heal. you just pick yourself up and keep on skating. at the end of the day, it is far more satisfying to be beaten-up and sore because you really played the game, than to feel comfortable and lazy, having never stretched your limits.


Tuesday, April 12, 2011

clarity, clarity, and more clarity.

tonight has brought clarity. my heart communicates in such a beautiful way to me. the more i listen, and heed its message, the closer i feel to mySelf. i feel love and respect for myself every time i listen and communicate from the center of my Heart.

my true desire: the relationship. THE relationship. i'm ready to be ready for this. i'm no longer willing to wade around in the land of in-between. i'm either in a relationship or i'm not. i would rather be "single" and celibate than mess around with boys that i know aren't ready for me. i am perfectly okay with being single for a while. it's getting easier and easier, and it's allowed my relationship with Me to become deeper and more Loving. this is bound to manifest as an outer relationship that reflects such Love and understanding. i am learning how to communicate with myself. this is preparation for when i will be communicating with another.

shall i describe him for you? well, you see... he is a lot like me, just with different genitalia :} he and i both know Who We Are and Why We Came (God... to have fun creating a physical life experience!). our intentions are complimentary and harmonious with one another. travel, film, art, socializing, and lovemaking... all this and much more... these are things we love to fill our lives with. we have fun making our way through life moment to moment, creating new vignettes and scenes that delight us in every way. sitting outside a coffee shop in amsterdam, smoking a joint and appreciating the sunlight... eating a nutella/banana crepe on the square by the eiffel tower... listening to americana music at a tavern in texas.... sitting on a rooftop under a full moon while a party rages in the apartment below. these are moments i imagine sharing with him. he and i both know that we do not make each other happy... that we are each individually connected to the Flow, and nothing the other says or does has the power to disconnect us from that Flow. but we've both explored the Darkness enough to be able to encourage the other in case we forget for a moment Who We Are and Why We Came. there is nothing we can't do. when i see him, i get the same feeling that i get when i'm about to go on stage; heart pounding, "this is it!" mind racing but simultaneously blank, pure excitement and thrill and Knowing and passion. there is no doubt when i look into his eyes. it is as if i am looking at my own Self... and indeed i am, for we "two" are actually One Spirit manifest in two avatars. he is thinking of me now... wondering when we'll meet, and i do my best to send my love and encouragement to him via his Connection; "i love you, and i look forward to meeting you... seek comfort in the Arms of your own Soul, for i am also there, and there is where we can rendezvous."

thank god for all the relationships that have "failed" in my past. truly, i was shown possibilities and was able to recognize what i don't want. i don't want aloofness and miscommunication. i don't want doubt and confusion. i don't want to speak and not be heard. i don't want bad sex! i don't want wishy-washy in-between bullshit. i don't want apathy. i don't want discordant intentions about money, expansion, travel, creation, or anything else that is important. i don't want short-lived, bitter-sweet, dream-like blips of relationships. what do i want? i want clarity and honesty. i want openness and trust. i want to be heard. i want to hear. i want to be on the same page. i want passion and intensity and lusty and divine physical contact. i want harmony of intentions. i want a man who wants to be rich, who wants to travel with me ASAP, who wants to play and create and explore every day with me. i want amazing, cosmic, mind-blowing, beyond orgasmic sex! and i want it all to come in the most beautiful package i've ever seen in my life. and i want it to last for as long as i'm using this DNA as the blueprint for my physical avatar. and i get to have all of this! the Universe has lined up for me the perfect fit for all that i've asked for in my years and years of contrasting experience. the Universe knows even better than i do what i've asked for over all of these years, and has cooked up somebody so magnificent and so ready for what i'm ready for... well there just aren't words to describe the deliciousness of this relationship. i sure have cooked up something wonderful :)

anywho, it's good to finally put that down into words and solidify it a bit. i'm ready to be ready. Inner Being, make me ready! help me be ready for this, and put me in the right place at the right time (as You always do). and help me let go in the meantime. help me relax and allow myself to feel Love for him Now. and help me to remember that all the Love i feel comes from You, and that nobody can replace You as my Source of happiness and security, no matter how pretty they are. thank you.


Monday, April 11, 2011


wow, i've really learned something amazing this week!

i had been feeling some interesting feelings, particularly with regards to relationships and sex. part of me feels a strong desire for it, and was willing to overlook any minor undesirable features (physically unattractive to me in some way, spiritually misaligned with me, intentionally misaligned with me, etc) in order to have what i thought i wanted NOW. all the while, my heart quietly twinged, waiting for me to listen to what it has to say. and it would become cacophony and confusion in my mind as i battled between having what i want NOW, and waiting until the energy is completely in alignment before allowing it to manifest.

so i was presented with a few choices this week. one choice was a potential romance with someone very physically beautiful, and very aligned with me in terms of consciousness. i knew as soon as i saw him the first time that i wasn't in alignment with a relationship, and so he couldn't be the one i was looking for in that department... but my mind tried to convince me that maybe over time things would change. the mind can be a real idiot sometimes. the heart always knows, in an unbiased way. needless to say, i spent about a month feeling confused and distraught by all of the feelings of "what if." finally i came to the conclusion that i clearly wasn't ready for a relationship, because if i was, i wouldn't feel confused. i asked him "what do you feel?" preparing myself to explain my feelings, i listened as he explained to me exactly what i was feeling, but from his perspective. we were on the exact same page.

oh the freedom!

i felt this amazing sensation of being lifted to a completely new level of self-awareness. i had listened to my heart and communicated from that space, and in making myself vulnerable in that way, i actually became stronger and healthier. my trust in my own intuition became stronger. my heart opened and softened. and i felt the confusion lift.

next, some opportunities for sex came to me. one of them just kept not working out, and i figured out pretty early on that this was for a good reason. he ended up communicating to me that he wasn't big on jumping into sex. i laughed when he texted me this, because i already knew it wasn't going to happen, but i was relieved to find out why.

then a friend of mine asked me if i would be interested in practicing tantra with him. i said yes, although i felt the tiniest grain of a question in my heart. but my desire overrode it, and we began making plans. the wonderful thing about intuition is that, if you don't hear it when it's the tiniest grain of a question, it will stay there and get louder, and the more you pull against it the louder it will get. finally, last night, i felt like my mind was roaring with confusion. i decided to take a walk and ask my heart what was going on. i just talked aloud to myself and explained to myself that i didn't want him. i wasn't attracted to him, and that was that. that was it. it was such a simple little thing... a preference. i wanted something different, and even though i knew it would feel good to have sex again, it wouldn't feel right in my heart if i ignored my own desires.

desire is something that many people are confused about in this day and age. on one side, we have a mainstream world that is consumed by desire, thinking that the craving within can be satiated by the next shiny object, the next hot body, the next good party. but that craving within is not a craving for physical stimulation. it is a craving for connection to the All That Is. this connection cannot be achieved by buying anything or going anywhere or doing anything in particular, although flashes of this connection can be felt in the midst of a great conversation, or while dancing, or making art, or whatever else suits your fancy. but those are fleeting, and if you cannot feel the connection all the time, then you're left craving what you think is bringing you happiness (the action) when really, your happiness comes from being connected (however accidentally or intentionally).

connection to Source/God/All That Is/Whatever you want to call it, comes from being still and going within oneself and finding that silent island. there, you ask the question, and the answer comes forth from the abyss around you.

but there is another side of desire that we ignore. when we figure out that we have been consumed by physical desire, and that connection was what we were seeking all along, many of us tend to reject the physical world completely. we say "oh i shouldn't desire that, it won't make me happy. i'll just forget about it." on one level that is true... that physical thing won't make you happy, but if you are happy already, you are allowed to partake in the physical world and relish its delights. there is a reason desire is there. desire is born within us from the Divine. desire is what pulls us towards where we are meant to Be. desire is a Divine communication, and to ignore it is blasphemy.

i have strong and beautiful Desires. i have a Desire for a mate who is not only aligned with me consciously, spiritually, and intentionally, but is also physically beautiful in all the ways that delight my eyes and hands and body. i want the full package, and there is a Reason for this. to deny my own Desire is to deny the communication my Large Loving GodSelf is giving to me. to rationalize and say "oh well he's not that good-looking to me, but he's sweet, he deserves a chance... i shouldn't be so shallow..." is to judge my own connection with the Divine. everyone has a Desire that can be matched by the Universe. that includes EVERYONE. everyone's physical preferences can be met.

from now on, i'm not settling for anything that is less than what makes my heart sing. i have high standards and i deserve to have those standards met. we all do. i am laying claim to my Divine Inheritance. my Kingdom of Heaven is my own Creation, and i get to design it and choose the way it looks and feels and tastes and smells. i have already Created this Kingdom, and i am its Queen. all is well in this land, so long as i listen to the advisor that rests within my own HEART.


Monday, April 4, 2011

the fear

ever since i started doing Divine Openings, i've been changing internally at such a rapid rate that it's almost hard to comprehend. oddly enough, time has taken a different form... it feels stretchier than before. it seems to slow down so that each day and each week is very long, and i have more time to expand and develop, so that by the end of one week i have transitioned drastically.

yesterday was very interesting. a few days of low emotion and some confusion were leading up to it, and i was doing (what i thought was) my best to feel and allow the emotions. but really, i was forgetting to go within and feel feel feel feel FEEL. i had gotten caught up in a web of old stories and i couldn't escape! yesterday began beautifully... i woke up before 6 am and went out for a nice morning stroll with my dog. i enjoyed the brisk air and the sunrise and the birds chirping. i even saw my first cardinal of the year! (i love cardinals)

however, when i got back home, i started feeling sleepy again. so i decided it wouldn't hurt to take a nap. well i went to sleep and i woke up around 1 or 2 feeling completely depressed. then my mind began attaching all kinds of non-existent dramas to the depression, making it feel so much worse. i felt like i had no friends (false) and like i was completely unloved. i felt like my life was worthless and going nowhere (false false false), and that i was failing at all that i sought to succeed in. i even began daydreaming of suicide, which i hadn't done in over a year. i wondered if having a taste of death would give me a new appreciation for life. i fantasized about sitting on the back porch with a razor, listening to the birds and breathing in the cool spring air as i drifted out. i just allowed these thoughts and feelings to come in, but soon i began worrying about myself. i grasped and pleaded, trying to get ahold of friends who might be able to soothe me. not hearing back from them, i began to feel even lonelier and abandoned. i sat in a bar drinking water, crying all alone.

i finally reached the bottom, fully realizing that i was creating this experience, and telling myself this story which was hurting me so much. i prayed for my Inner Being to help me stop creating this story and begin to create a new one.

soon, the loneliness lifted. riding my bike home, i began to feel angry. "fuck it! fuck all those people! if they don't want to help me when i need help, then they can go fuck themselves because i deserve love god dammit! fuck all of it, i'll be my own friend."

i went back out to my porch and sat, listening to music and singing, and feeling irritated at my mom for trying to cheer me up (lol). then, as i was dipping a tortilla chip into some guacamole she had made, i suddenly felt lucid. it was as though i had been walking around in my sleep all day, and i was now aware of the moment i was in. everything felt okay. i still hadn't heard from my friends, but that was ok. i just sat and enjoyed the music i listened to, the view from my back porch, and the chips and guacamole. i went inside and watched House. then i watched Yes Man (which is hilarious and made me feel a hundred times better).

then, i tuned in to what i thought would be Whose Line Is It Anyway?? only to find a program by Joel Osteen. part of me wanted to immediately flip to something different, because i knew this was going to be something cheesy and religious. but something deeper told me to stay and listen, so i did. the entire service given by this man was uplifting, empowering, and beautiful. his face glowed as he spoke his Truth. i was moved to tears several times by the examples he gave of humans uplifting each other and helping each other succeed. and by the end, i found out that this was a Born Again Christian pastor i had been listening to. i really felt my heart open.

today my energy feels like calm water. i'm not moving up, and i'm not being pulled under. i'm just being, and i'm grateful to be at peace. the conclusion i have made from yesterday was that if i try to resist feeling, by trying to run away from my center and hide behind friends, television, facebook, and my stories... i'll only end up hurting more and more until all of those things abandon me so that i have nowhere else to hide. it is so hilarious! i got a text message later at night, after i was finally feeling much better, from one of my friends saying that he'd been busy and had only just gotten the message i'd sent asking for someone to talk to. and today, i found out that the other friend i had texted (with a whole bunch of drama and silliness) hadn't even gotten any of the messages until this morning, because his phone had died. my Inner Being knew that what i needed was silence and inner-diving, not more drama and talk and stories and "poor me" bullshit.

i intend to remember this the next time some emotion comes up. i intend for it to be easy to let go and surrender to the feeling of it. i intend for my new story to create itself easily in my mind, and i intend for it to be easy to let go of the old stories i've been carrying around. i'm ready for this. bring it on!


Monday, March 7, 2011


i feel a tenuous invitation
take a gentle step forward
gradually allowing
what's inside
to become what's outside
is it safe?
poke your head out
look around
and next time
stand firmly
let the waters wash over
blow through the body

now is the time to say yes
yes i surrender
yes i accept this Gift
yes i trust You
yes, thank You.

Sunday, February 20, 2011


it's been a while since i've talked about relationships. mostly because for most of my life, relationships have felt confusing at best.

well i've met someone, and i have no idea where it will lead me. i'm feeling that old familiar vibration. it feels like a cocktail of longing, timidness, quiet desperation, and complete terror. i've been carrying this vibration around with me for a long time, and i'm realizing how heavy it is. i don't want to carry this around anymore. i'm ready to give it up, and let in a new vibration.

as a human, i can't physically see the vibration or move it with my hands. but as a human, i can feel, and allow my larger, non-physical self to take care of the rest. these feelings are just Me telling myself where i pinched off my own flow of Power. in many areas, my Power blasts through me like water through a fire hose. in the area of romance, it's more like a garden hose with some kinks in it. but i'm ready for that to shift, and i'm ready to feel this as it's coming to me.

it's almost like we, as humans, romanticize the idea of being lonely. even when we are in relationships, we long to "own" something we know we can never possess. it's like we are searching for God, but we put our lover's face over the place of God, and we obsess and pine and reach, trying to feel oneness with this being outside of ourselves. and being outside of ourselves, we never find what we are looking for.

here is a prayer, for those of us who have felt this vibration and wish for freedom: may we find the strength within ourselves to accept the fullness of God's Love, even though it is so much bigger than anything we imagine we want from someone else.

i love you all.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

breakthroughs, the Art of Allowing, and my new Immortality Account

i really just had a breakthrough, folks.

life change doesn't happen magically, out of thin air. it's not like one day things are going terribly and the next day everything falls into place. the Art Of Allowing isn't about just sitting by and dreaming up a someday scenario to have it suddenly fall into your lap next week.

the Art Of Allowing is about relaxing into Who I Am Now. and knowing that Who I Am Now is a progressive unfolding. i'm further along than i was last year, and i still have much more that i want to be. i know that i will be in a vastly different place next year, even next week.

first the energy lines up within. you begin to value yourself more. you begin to appreciate the subtle inner experience. this last year has gone by without much change in my physical setting or situation. but every week i feel i have transformed so much that i feel like "a lot is going on." i've felt so busy inside, and it's taken a lot of focus and rest and patience and self-soothing. but recently i've been taking decisive action towards my goals.

a couple of main goals of mine are greater physical health and beauty, and greater wealth. now, i had been wanting to begin a regular yoga practice for a while, but i just didn't FEEL like it. and i felt a little guilty for not being more disciplined or whatever. but now i recognize that the energy wasn't lined up yet. now the energy is so lined up that not going to yoga class feels like a worse decision than going, even if i am 5 minutes late (which used to be an excuse for me not to go... "oh, i don't want to interrupt, or embarrass myself, or whatever"). my health is so worth it to me that i am determined to take action that is in alignment with that goal.

the next one is wealth. all this time, i have been wanting it to fall into my lap. i wanted to win the lottery or just somehow manifest some chunk of cash that would solve all of my problems. this is a very subtle victim vibration, because it alludes to the idea that "i can't do it through normal, entrepreneurial ways, like many of the wealthiest people have. i just want the universe to make it easy for me so i can just go on vacation." well let me tell you, winning the lottery may be fun, i don't know. but i can definitely feel that it will be so much more gratifying to really create my wealth through my own means and my own innovation and resources. and i am doing just that. my magazine, illuminatedMag, is gaining so much momentum that it just bubbles up so much excitement within me! i finally feel like this could really be a lucrative endeavor for me, one of many. and if you haven't heard of Dr. John F. Demartini, listen up, because he is one smart motherfucker. this action feels so good and strong to me right now that i don't care how crazy it sounds, i'm doing it. he says in his book How To Make One Hell of A Profit and Still Get To Heaven, that in order to demonstrate to the universe that you value yourself and believe you are worthy of material riches, PAY YOURSELF FIRST.

this seems simple, and it is ridiculously so. this is almost like tithing, but way better. since most of my inspiration comes from within, and a tithe is usually defined as 10% of your income going to the place where you receive your spiritual food (inspiration), tithing always felt a little off to me, and i practiced it on and off. but Dr. Demartini says to create a savings account, and take a portion off the top of your income every month (BEFORE you pay for anything else, including bills, employees, food, etc), and put it in this savings account. this is your "Immortality Account" and it is un-spendable to you as a human. this is GodSelf's money, and it stays in that account forever. But the amazing thing is, as we all know, money attracts more money. "the rich get richer, the poor get poorer." it's actually a Cosmic Law. so you're building this Immortality Account and it's getting bigger and bigger, and drawing more and more money to it, which means it's drawing more and more money to YOU. and the higher the percentage you put in, the faster it grows, and the more money you receive.

i've been spending the last year intending for my money vibration to raise, and for a long time it felt like nothing was happening. then i decided "fuck it! i have a low money vibration! so what? is it going to kill me? no, it's not. it's just annoying for the time being. so be it." and i accepted it. i even started saying sarcastic affirmations like "i'm never going to be rich, i'm just going to be poor forever and i'll always have to live with my dad and i'll never have nice things, etc." all the things i was worried about believing or thinking that i thought would block me from getting the money i wanted. and saying them sarcastically in my head just made me laugh, because i've come to the point where i honestly don't believe them. i even encouraged more and more sarcastic affirmations for a while and it really lightened my mood! gave me hope!

then i picked up that book and skimmed the table of contents, found a chapter called "The Spiritual Laws of Saving" and felt the hugest YES i have felt in a long time. i feel a renewed sense of enthusiasm and optimism regarding my finances. i feel empowered to create my OWN wealth! i am so excited!

another point on the breakthroughs... there is no such thing as instant gratification. the more instant it is, the less gratifying the experience. have you ever wanted an instant orgasm? or would you rather enjoy a long and sensual climb to the peak, and then a gentle glide down into a satiated lull? this point in time doesn't carry my perfectly healthy, acne-free, energy-filled body. but there is a point in time that does, and i'm lining up with it energetically first, and then by taking the inspired action that is appropriate. someday i will eat and care for my body according to my ayurvedic doshas. but not immediately. i'm not ready yet. i will be, and i'll know when the action is appropriate. until then, i'm gonna enjoy eating food that might give me indigestion.

love and many breakthroughs for you my fine fellows!

Thursday, January 27, 2011

poems on a january morning

in the stillness of the winter night
a girl
My girl
sends Me her Wishes
brilliant flame of Intention
giving away more than her Location
I accept into my Beingness
her adorable Command
and joyously do her bidding
I exist for nothing but to Serve Her
my Darling Creation
she need not do anything for my Love
for her simple existence brings me
such fascination and ecstasy
and spurs me to whisper
Sweet Everythings directly
into each and every cell
of her gloriously constructed avatar
she is wondrous to Behold
I Know
I have Beheld her for all of Existence


dear Godself
you are like the essence
of every flower
and tree
and plant
combined into
the sweetest perfume ever mixed
with one mysterious undertone
on which i can almost put my finger
and if i heard the name i would know it
but i am certain there is no name
that can describe
God's Perfume.


i feel you Engulf me
my senses tingle
as if extra Voltage
suddenly travels through
my nerve fibers
my molecules
my atoms
as though the empty space
between the electrons
is no longer empty
but filled to the brim
with something yet unmeasured


every day, God makes Love to my lungs



Monday, January 24, 2011

happy january :D

it's been a long ass time since i wrote anything here. this is the first post of the new year :)

i just shaved my head. i have been in texas for 2 weeks, and just arrived home by train this evening. i'm really happy to be home. i'm really happy to know that this is my home.

i've surprised myself. i dug my roots into this funny little town, and now i'm determined to zap the life back into it. part of the reason i was in austin, tx, was to pick up on the vibration of that city, and perhaps bring some of it back to my hometown.

i love it here. and soon, most people will agree with me. i am especially excited about the next 5 to 10 years. things are unfolding rapidly (energetically). i can feel big things lurking in the energetic shadows, ready to pop out and delight me and everyone around me!

well, i don't know what else to write today, so i'll leave it at that. i intend to write more often this year.