it is in this quietude that i recognize there is much within me from which i have been running. but running from my own inner world is like trying to run from air. not only is it impossible, since it is everywhere, but it is fatal. we need our inner world. it is all we have. it is literally what breathes us.
there are aspects of my own inner world that i have fought against, hid from myself, ignored, loathed. most recently i have come to acknowledge and accept my true sexual nature and desires. even writing it down like makes me feel a little nervous, because i have this fear that it will create a definition of me in the minds of others, and ultimately change the way i am perceived. this may be so, but i now have to make a choice: would i rather be honest and loving with myself? or would i rather cater to the fickle preferences of others, real or imaginary?
of course i will always choose the former.
so, without further ado, here it is. the unveiling of my bisexuality.
i'm not sure what else to say about it. part of me felt like it wasn't really so important that i should make an announcement. then again, a lot of what i write about is simply personal revelation expressed with the hope that my honesty will inspire even one other to be more honest with themselves.
it's interesting... to put a label on one's sexuality seems strange. sexuality is an energy, a feeling, triggered within each of us according to our personal experience, thoughts, images, culture, etc. sexuality is sexuality. it's not something that can be fit into a box called "gay" or "straight." it is an energy, an attraction that arises within. the Spirit does not have a gender. just because we as humans have genitals that are either matching or complementary (or anywhere in-between) doesn't mean that the sexual energy that arouses those genitalia is different according to each person. as a woman, i breathe air that is of the same molecular makeup as a man, or a hermaphrodite. in the eyes of Source, there is no difference.
energy is energy.
sex is sex.
one of my resolutions this new year was to have this be my year of sexual freedom. no more rules, games, or worries. no more doubts and fears. no more attachments. just pure enjoyment of pleasure in every form it comes in.
another resolution, that seems to go hand-in-hand with the first, is that i will not back down from my desires. this year, i will own all of my desires and cherish them, for they make me who i am. and Who I Am is unique unto the entire Universe. my desires keep this Universe expanding, growing, breathing.
anything i desire, i have the absolute right to desire. desire is a treasure. a crack through which God flows to us and through us. it is not necessarily the physical thing we want. simply the pleasure of having a desire burning within us, lighting us on fire and fueling the Creation of All That Is.
i have said this before, and i'll say it again. sex is not about having an orgasm. it is about experiencing fully the pleasure of desire. in the same way, life is not about having the things (the orgasms). it is about experiencing the pleasure of the desire.
of course, withholding oneself from their desire because you think it's not okay to have the thing you desire (whether it's money or an orgasm) only makes the desire painful (ever heard of blue balls? kind of like that. and yes, women get blue balls, to). when that desire feels so big that it is filling your entire Beingness, that means it's time to fulfill it. that's when it's the best time to get laid. that's when it's the most satisfying to eat a great meal.
there is nothing we are here to do except desire and enjoy. that's it. nothing more. no "purpose" or "lesson" or "karma." just pleasure, bliss, enjoyment.