Tuesday, December 29, 2009

it's unbelievable the amount a person can sleep when there is nothing else to do. boredom is the worst waste of energy. i don't know what the fear is that boredom stems from. i think perhaps it's simply being unappreciative of the simple pleasures that life has to offer. we have unfortunately been born into a society that is fast becoming more and more distracted by intense stimuli. video games, fast-paced and violent movies, extreme sports, texting, etc. if we find ourselves lacking in these, we realize how empty we have become inside. it's an abyss that nobody likes to look at because it scares the shit out of us.

what is that emptiness, and how do you make it not empty anymore? video games and movies and drunken partying really only put a thin layer of shiny covering over the chasm, so as to give the illusion that one's life is full and complete with these things in it. but if you dare to walk over that thin layer, you'll soon realize the frailty of it. it is inevitable that you will fall through to the emptiness below.

how does one fill this space? ignoring it only seems to make it bigger and deeper. it becomes like a wound that just won't heal. band-aids don't work to heal this wound. the automatic reaction is to try and fill it with physical things: food, booze, sex, toys... but this hole is not something that is physical. it does not have a location, it cannot be pointed to or measured. so trying to fill it with sensory pleasures does nothing but make the emptiness seem much more glaring. no matter how much you try to stuff your face, that hole is still there, looming at you. no matter how much sex you have, that yearning for something is still evident.


i think it is unfulfilled desires of the spirit. what does the spirit desire, you may ask? i think the spirit desires to create, and to experience beauty.

video games, movies, food, texting, partying-- these are all engaging for the mind and perhaps the body. but the spirit feels left out. the spirit is much quieter and less obvious than the mind or body. the body is clearly there, and the mind is constantly chattering at you with its drama, trying to solve the "problem" of your life. but the spirit is quiet. it sits in the back of your mind, watching things happen. have you ever had that experience? suddenly you are watching yourself through your own eyes, and the question of "why am i here? what am i doing? who AM i?" arises out of nowhere. but it isn't quite a worded question, like those of the mind. it is just a feeling of sudden and unnerving awareness of the self. or i should say, the Self. and then the mind takes over again, getting easily distracted by the stimuli and the hustle and bustle of daily life, and you forget all about that feeling.

that feeling, however, is what you should be aiming for. it is what will drive you to become more and more your fullest, most beautiful potential. that is what meditation is; finding the observer within. finding that place in the back of your mind which watches EVERYTHING happen, including the thoughts. when you sit in the seat of the observer, the witness, you do not identify with the mind and it's jabber. you do not identify with the body and its occasional discomfort.

but meditation is boring! says the mind. and indeed, if you forget your place as the witness, you will find yourself carried off by the stream of thoughts, and your body follows suit. you get tensed up, you find some reason to shift around, and eventually your mind CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! so you say "fuck this" and you go play your video games or something.

the mind is sabotaging your efforts to quiet its incessant, nonsensical chatter! do not give in to its efforts! you have control over your thoughts. and since your mind has control over your body, it is probably in your best interest to take control of your mind. because you mind not only has control over the movements of your body. every feeling you have (sadness, anger, happiness, etc) is caused by a chemical called a "neuropeptide," which is produced in the hypothalamus in your brain. these chemicals land on receptors, located on the surface of each one of your trillions of cells. there are receptors for each specific emotion known to man. every time you have a thought of something that makes you feel, say shame, for example, the neuropeptide for shame is produced by the hypothalamus and pumped throughout your body. the chemical travels to each cell and makes you physically feel the emotion of shame. the same happens for every single emotion.

here's the thing. if you are used to feeling a certain emotion all the time, your cells will create more receptors for the corresponding neuropeptide. you are literally ADDICTED to a chemical produced within your own brain. it is an addiction which everyone will deny they have. but it is the exact same phenomenon which occurs in the brain of someone who is addicted to cigarettes. the body will recognize when it has not received its chemical fix, and will flash images and words at you which will cause your brain to produce the right neuropeptides.

we all have formed habitual patterns of thought. be it self-righteousness (ever had an argument with someone in your head? imagining yourself really giving them a piece of your mind? yeah, me too. what a waste of thought energy!), self-loathing ("i'm not pretty/smart/funny/cool enough to be around so-and-so"), self-pity ("why does all this shit have to happen to ME?? why am I always the one who has to [fill in the blank]). these habits are not naturally occurring. we aren't born thinking "oh man, i'm really a shitty baby. look at me, i can't even feed myself! i'm always shitting myself and making noise. my life sucks!" babies enter this world as bright, beautiful, pure beings in a corrupt and insane world. and just as a stem cell which is placed in an environment of other cells (liver, kidney, lung, pancreas, etc) and becomes one of those cells, learning the functions and duties of the cells around it, so does a child become moulded to the environment into which it has been placed. so your negative and limiting thought patterns, which have over time become chemical addictions, are not your fault. but they are your responsibility.

remember, if you become a victim to circumstance, your mind will create reasons for why you should feel like a victim, just so your body can get its fix of victim chemicals. so don't fall victim to the fact that your current addictions were given to you by your parents and society! you will only replace one negative addiction with another. in order to break free from your current addiction, replace it with a positive addiction.

science is showing us that we CAN rewire our brain. we can create new neural connections. the next time you notice your mind thinking "man, i'm such a loser" or "damn, this sucks" or "man, that girl is a bitch, i ought to give her a piece of my mind..." stop. say to your mind "now that's no way i wish to be thinking. what positive thought can i replace that with?" then, think of the opposite of what you just thought. let's say your mind said to you "i'm a loser, nobody loves me." the opposite of this would be "i'm not a loser, and everybody loves me," right? wrong. your subconscious mind (which governs 90 percent of your thoughts and actions) does not know the word no. it only works in "yes." so if you are going to create new thought habits, you must create them in a way that says "yes." so instead of saying "i am not a loser" you would say something like "i am a beautiful and amazing person, with qualities and gifts that everyone around me enjoys. i am worthy of love, and i love myself."

now let's say that your mind is telling you "this sucks." how would you say "this does not suck?" to your mind? well you can't counter a statement that is inherently negative. the word "sucks" in that context is always going to be negative, so just eliminate it from your vocabulary. instead, ask yourself "how can i look at this in a positive way? how does this situation benefit me and my greater growth? what lesson can i take out of this?" there is always a positive way to look at what is in front of you. we all have the habit of looking at what we are given in the most negative light, and then reacting to it from that standpoint. but it only takes consciousness to change your perspective. it only takes a little bit of effort to tell yourself to relax so that you can respond rather than react. RE-act, means to act again. like the word RE-flex. you are making a move that you have made before. you are acting out of habit. and for the most part, our habits don't serve us in the best way possible.

so create new habits. the next time you are bored, go to that place of Self-awareness in the back of your mind and ask your spirit what it would like to do. it may not tell you with words. words and symbols are the mind's way of communicating. physical sensations (pain, pleasure, itchiness, etc) are the body's way of communicating. feelings and urges are the soul's way of communicating. if you ask your spirit what it wishes to do, you may have an urge to do something that your mind totally disagrees with. but as we have just discussed, the mind doesn't always know what's best. don't listen to your mind. tell your mind to listen to you. follow the urge of your spirit. i can pretty much guarantee that if you make THAT your habit, the abyss of boredom will begin to fill up until you have no such experience anymore.


Sunday, December 27, 2009

let's talk about sex!

sex is a weird phenomenon. i don't understand how people can have sex with people with whom they have absolutely no love connection. the times i have tried that, i feel horrible afterwards. i feel cheap and used, just a sack of meat to be fucked and tossed aside. i can feel the energetic difference between sex experienced from a purely sacral-chakra-standpoint, and sex as a spiritual, all-chakra-encompassing standpoint. i don't like the former.

i'm a scorpio. sex is kinda my thing. it's one of the great mysteries that i have a drive to solve. i don't know what sex is like for anyone who isn't a scorpio, but for me sex is a direct connection to the soul. it is such a unique and strange experience that i have to be there with all parts of my being. if one part of my being is not paid attention to, it is easy to tell. it is easy to feel when there is a mind/body/soul connection and when there is not. i don't understand why anyone would want to experience anything less than that. but then again, i suppose not many people know what a soul connection feels like, so i guess they don't know what they're missing. to me, the physical sensation of having sex is useless without the soul within the other body being involved. isn't that the point of sex? otherwise, a vibrator would be fine, thanks.

in fact, a vibrator would be better. i know how to please myself physically much better than most men seem to.

i found out, in the few times i've had reiki done on me, that my sacral chakra (dealing with matters of pleasure on the physical plane) and my heart chakra (dealing, obviously, with matters of love -- giving and receiving) are somehow directly connected. they seem to be almost one and the same. i cannot separate the feeling of love from the act of sex. when i try, it hurts me, physically and emotionally.

i wish there wasn't so much negative stigma surrounding sex. there's all this expectation and social nicety that one must comply to. if a girl sleeps around she's a slut. but a guy is a loser if he doesn't sleep around. if a girl knows what she wants and won't accept anything less than her standard, she's a prude or a bitch or something, i don't even know.

and the jealousy that arises when two people are "together" as a "couple." a foundation of ownership is established, and if either one begins to feel restricted by the boundaries which have been set, they will naturally wish they could jump over the fence and experience something new. this creates jealousy, fear of loss, and domination. these are not natural feelings which should be introduced into truly loving relationships! who i have sex with has nothing to do with how much i love one person or another. it's a paradox! sex is just sex! and then again, sex is not just sex, but a sacred and blessed act of energy exchange. but just because i have sex with someone doesn't mean i wish to have them as a co-creative life partner. it just means that this other person and i feel a mutual, physical pull towards each other. it just means that this person and i, for some reason, have a desire to find out more about each other's physical energy.

sex should be something that every single person can experience freely and openly. without fear of judgement. without having to go through drama and trauma.

is it so hard to ask for a mind/body/soul connection? i know that the standard is within the consciousness of human beings, because i've seen it in movies! anything that can be imagined can be created and experienced. so why has everyone allowed their standards to drop so low? why is everyone so satisfied to feel the boring experience of penis-in-vagina-ok-i'm-finished-let's-sleep-now. that is so horribly mundane. why does everyone settle with that?

i refuse to settle for that cheap and superficial of an experience of something which should be so sacred and wonderful. i refuse to allow anyone within my body temple who will not treat it as such: a temple. temples are to be treated with sacred wonder and joyous union with the One.

just a rant. i know it seems random, but it's what's been on my mind.


Thursday, December 24, 2009

happy holiday!

today is xmas eve, and everyone's freaking out!

we are missing the point, people! christmas is the time of year when everyone should be remembering that love is all there is. if jesus was walking this earth today, i have a feeling that he wouldn't be promoting mass consumerism, trampling pregnant women at the doors of wal-mart, and yelling at your kids because you're so stressed from running around buying stuff.

"but wait, isn't this the season of giving?" you ask. yes. it is the season of giving. EVERY season should be one of giving. but we forget that sharing is caring (and not just in terms of passing a joint) all the time, and so we try to cram all of our giving into one month-long period of time. it stresses people out, and therefore defeats the purpose.

giving to each other is supposed to make life easier, less stressful. in the body, every cell lives in perfect harmony, because everything is shared. food, water, hormones, enzymes, other chemicals and proteins and molecules. anything that is needed for living is shared between cells. there is no one cell that has way more than any other cell. there is no cell that has far too less than any other cell. EVERYONE SHARES EVERYTHING. there is no point in the year when human cells run to wal-mart for the best deal on a digestive enzyme, or an amino acid, just for that special someone who has been DYING for it all year. the idea of that is ridiculous, is it not?

so why do we do this as humans? we withhold our abundance from those around us, protecting it with our LIVES, worrying ourselves when we think someone might TAKE what is OURS from us. but then during a one-month period of the year, we rush to the stores, trying to get the cheapest deals on the most frivolous nonsense to buy for our family and friends. we freak out in the process, worrying about what the other person would want, or whether they would like it. we buy these people things to further fret over and protect for the remainder of their lives. it's a silly cycle.

if you have found yourself freaking out about the material aspect of christmas, stop and ask yourself this: on my deathbed, will i be looking back on this one day and thinking about what i GOT and what i BOUGHT? or will i look back and think about the beautiful people who surrounded me with love, compassion, and spirit?

i hope all of you find the christmas spirit within, and i hope you all try to keep it throughout 2010. that is my resolution, i think. to make every day christmas in spirit. to give with my heart and soul, not because i'm supposed to. not because "it's the season." but because it brings me joy to see other's happy and fulfilled, and if something i give brings happiness and fulfillment to another's life, then i don't need anything else.

much love to you all!

Sunday, December 20, 2009

why so serious??

i've realized the reason i've been having trouble being happy lately. it's easy to understand, intellectually, the ideas of positive thinking and the law of attraction. but ego is so sneaky! it will grab ahold of ANYTHING, including spiritual teachings, and twist it into a new fear! i started becoming fearful of my own negative thoughts manifesting into reality. i kept worrying about my subconscious mind, wondering how much it was really just sabotaging me in my endeavors. THIS IS COUNTERPRODUCTIVE!

today, as i left my house and walked to work in the icy sunlight, i suddenly felt so uplifted and full of inexplicable joy! i don't know where it came from. it's the first time i've felt so happy without having to convince myself to be happy in a long time. i had a fantastic time at work, making truffles and listening to music. i was laughing to myself the whole day long.

making truffles (and cookies, and muffins, and scones) is a very meditative and repetitive task, so it gives me a lot of opportunities to think and delve into my inner guidance. i realized i've been taking myself and my life way too seriously. i haven't been enjoying the growth process. i haven't been letting go of outcomes and desires. i haven't been acting enough like a child!

it's so ironic that when people don't like something you do or say, they call you "childish." yet, in their purest forms, children are the wisest and most godly beings on our planet. so when someone says i am being childish, they are really just insulting themselves. when you're a kid, you don't want to be a big old boring grown up. you just want to play and be carefree and run around and say whatever is on your mind without worrying about what you're actually saying. when adults say something offensive, other adults get angry because their egos get hurt. but when a child says the same thing, they are immediately excused because "they don't know any better."

but is the "knowledge" of an adult better than the freedom and playfulness of a child? why do we have to forget how to play? why do we have to forget how to really have fun?

i think it begins when parents and adults introduce shame into our psyche. children know no shame. but adults know shame, and they feel it when their kids do things that "embarrass" them. so they say "stop embarrassing me" to their children. they tell them "you should be ashamed of yourself." i'm not saying that parents are big bad people who are ruining their children. most people don't realize that when you are raising a child, every single little thing is taken in by them and put into their computer programming. an infant's brain actually has more neural connections than an adult, and this is because as children learn, their brain decides which neural connections are needed and which are not. so the brain is actually honed away as a child grows. and EVERY feeling and experience is turned into subconscious thought. and subconscious thought takes up about 90 percent of your brain activity. it controls your bodily functions, emotional reactions, habits, and so much else. so when you tell a child "you should be ashamed of yourself" you are introducing a foreign concept into that child's brain, but that feeling of shame (which is the most debilitating feeling in the human experience) will be there forever. and it not only affects their thoughts, but it affects the way they view their world. and as we all know, our thoughts create our reality.

well i've decided i'm done with shame. i am through with feeling ashamed of anything i've ever done or said. nobody should ever be made to feel shame for any reason. shame creates enormous limitation on your ability to create. i knew a four year old who thought she was terrible at drawing. FOUR YEARS OLD? FOUR YEAR OLDS ARE SUPPOSED TO LOVE DRAWING. but she somehow had the idea that her artwork wasn't good enough. and that comes from the feeling of shame.

i deserve to be treated with love and respect. nothing i do or say is shameful. i do things differently. but different is not WRONG. it's just different. when someone tries to make another person feel shame, they are just trying to justify themselves and make themselves feel bigger and more RIGHT. but we are ALL EQUAL. and WE ARE ALL DESERVING OF LOVE IN EVERY MOMENT.

therefore, shame is not something i will allow to enter my consciousness. if someone tries to make me feel shame, i will smile and walk away from them. i have nothing to hide. i have no reason to feel ashamed. i am beautiful and intelligent and creative and glorious and amazing. and i wish to show that to everyone. because everyone and i are one. and therefore, everyone else is beautiful and intelligent and creative and glorious and amazing, and so much more. i choose to show everyone their best Selves by showing my best Self. and that Self does not feel shame. there is nothing to be ashamed of.

to anyone who has tried to make someone feel shame: what are YOU so ashamed of that you must make another feel the debilitating, agonizing, gut-wrenching feeling of shame? why do you think you are so much better than anyone else that you are given permission to inflict such pain on another soul?

do you really think you get to cast the first stone?

stop taking yourself so seriously. stop taking your "problems" so seriously. stop taking other people so seriously! for god's sake, stop being so uptight! if you find yourself getting wound up, take a second... breathe.... and ask yourself "what's the big deal?" chances are, someone somewhere else in the world has a bigger problem to deal with in their lives.

of course, everything i write in every post is not only talking to anyone who reads it, but it's also me talking to myself. so don't feel bad! i've been the recipient AND the giver of shame. i've been condescending and mean and harsh before. who knows if i'll forget and do it again?

so i'll end with a quote from my fave book, Neale Donald Walsch's Conversations With God Book 3 (page 90):

"Yet be not quick to judge another. Rather, seek to avoid judgment, for another person's "wrongs" were your "rights" of yestermorn; another person's "mistakes" are your own past actions, now corrected; another person's choices and decisions are as 'hurtful' and 'harmful,' as 'selfish' and 'unforgivable,' as many of your own have been.
It is when you 'just can't imagine' how another person could 'do such a thing' that you have forgotten where you came from, and where both you and the other person are going."

love to all of you!

ps. i found a great website called gratitudelog.com. it's like twitter, only instead of incessant, frivolous jabber, one posts expressions of gratitude and sends encouragement and kindness to friends. if you want, you can follow me: themagnificentadrienne

Thursday, December 17, 2009

the waiting is the hardest part!

so much has changed in my life quite quickly. i haven't seen or hung out with any friends in weeks. i am at home, with basically nothing to do. i have a job at a little bakery downtown, but i only work a few days a week. it's difficult for me to be in this situation again. nothing to do but face my own thoughts. nowhere to go but further inward.

my ego feels like i'm wasting my time by just staying still and listening, observing, getting comfortable. i was in a yoga class yesterday, and unlike a lot of yoga classes, we only did a few poses... but the class took an hour and a half because we fully relaxed into each and every pose. i guess i've been moving so quickly from one thing to another that i haven't allowed myself to fully relax into anything i'm doing. i just do it until i get bored, and then jump on the next thing that comes my way.

it's really been a challenge for me to just settle down, chill out, stop bouncing around. i feel like i'm supposed to be DOING something. but there's nothing for me to do right now except relax, be thankful, be happy. ego forgets that there is all the time in the universe to experience life. this amount of time that i'm taking to calm down is a blip on the radar. it just feels like forever because i have nothing else to compare it to.

fear of "wasting time" seems to be immanent in everyone's lives nowadays. we have forgotten that the universe is billions of years old -- and so are we! just because i have only spent 20 earth years in this physical form doesn't mean that is how long i've been ALIVE. if i "died" tomorrow, i would still have all the time in the universe to be alive and to experience. life doesn't ever end, so what is the hurry? why do we have to stress ourselves by constantly running around, doing things according to someone else's clock?

this time is a big lesson for me. it's an opportunity for me to experience standing still. taking my time. there's no rush. there's nothing for me to do. there is nobody i am responsible for except myself. this is easy! all i have to do is BE. i don't need to think about anything, i don't need to do anything, i don't need to say anything. i just need to BE, and be thankful as i am.

i love my life. i love everyone i've ever met. i love everything i've ever done. i love every experience that is coming my way.

i love the universe!


Tuesday, December 8, 2009

infinite levels of gratitude

i just got back from one of my favorite local restaurants, a little family-owned and operated middle eastern restaurant. i had some delicious lentil soup, a hummus wrap, and some rice pudding for dessert. everything was delicious, as usual.

this time though, it was different. it was different because i decided to make a conscious effort to be thankful for the meal. and not just thankful like "wow, this food sure is tasty, i'm really glad i am able to enjoy it, thank you!" that's only one level of thankfulness, and i decided to go beyond that. after being thankful for the tastiness of the meal, as well as the ability to taste and smell and enjoy the sensation of eating (which is incredible, and one should be thankful for that!), i thought about the people who prepared the food. i thought about the time and loving effort they put into making my meal. and i was thankful for it. then i thought about every ingredient that went into each dish, and how far it had to travel to get to the restaurant. then i thought about the energy it took for the vegetables in my sandwich to be grown, picked, washed, packaged and shipped. each tomato started as a seed that was planted in soil that was tilled by a farmer, watered and cared for by that farmer, fed by the sun... then workers looked at that tomato, decided it was ripe, picked it, cleaned it... do you realize how many hands each tomato passes through before it gets to your plate? and that's just the tomatoes! my hummus wrap had tomatoes, lettuce, onions, and hummus (made of chickpeas, tahini-- which is like peanut butter, only made from sesame seeds-- lemon juice, olive oil, and spices), all wrapped in a pita.

each and every one of the ingredients in my meal came from somewhere, and had to be grown, picked, and processed by someone. sunlight and water (miracles in themselves for which to be thankful) were needed in abundance to grow the ingredients. soil had to be created by the earth and all the bugs and bacteria which assist in breaking down organic material into nutrient-rich fertilizer that feeds the plants. and (in an ideal world, where there are no synthesized fertilizers and chemical pesticides) the organic material which made that fertilizer.... well i think you see where i'm going with this.

and that's just the ingredients. what a huge amount of energy to bring me one simple and delicious meal!

but i didn't stop there. next i went on to wonder about the recipe, and the ancient peoples who originally invented the foods i was now eating. how many years of honing and perfecting went into creating the incredible combination of flavors that i was experiencing right now? who was the first person who decided to mash up chickpeas, sesame seeds, and lemon juice to make a creamy paste that was good on everything??? who was this genius?! who was the first person to pick rice and figure out how to make it soft enough to eat? who was the person who decided to mix it with cream and sugar and cinnamon and call it rice pudding? how long ago were these ideas realized? how many mistakes were made in the process of trying to create a gustatory masterpiece?

this wonder went hand in hand with gratitude as i enjoyed every single bite with newfound interest. so much energy went into bringing this food to my presence, not just on the part of the server and the cook. not only in the form of gasoline and truck drivers. not only from the farmers and workers where the ingredients were grown. not just energy from the present day (or yesterday, or a week ago, or a few months ago). but ANCIENT curiosity, intelligence, and wisdom ALSO went into my meal. i was literally enjoying past, present, and future energy SIMULTANEOUSLY.

holy moly.

and the best part is, because i was eating with a mind of thankfulness, and associating gratitude and love with each bite of food, now each cell in my body that receives the energy from that food will be filled with the same feelings of gratitude and love. and that will allow me to continue to feel those feelings, even if i don't eat tomorrow. because the energy that is powering my body at the cellular level has been charged with positivity.

the thankfulness you feel can be unending. it should be unending. there is so much to be thankful for. don't worry about what you're going to GET. a lot of us wait until we get what we want before we decide to say thank you. but the universe is just a reflection of everything you are thinking, feeling, saying, and doing. if you decide to be thankful FIRST, then the universe must match your state of mind with people, events, and things for which to be thankful. your mind will always match your experience. but you can't change the experience first. the first step to changing your experience is to change your mind about the experience. then all else will follow.

i love you all :)

Sunday, December 6, 2009

the science of enlightenment!

believe it or not, i used to consider myself an atheist.

really! i did! back in the day when i was a punkass 15 year old, i hated everything that had to do with george w. bush, and therefore anyone and anything associated with the image of someone who would vote for george w. bush: god, bible thumpers, rednecks, white bread.... i was totally prejudiced.

needless to say, i realized that fighting hatred and prejudice with further hatred and prejudice was not the way to solve things! i've come a long way from being an angsty teen to being a god-loving, self-loving, and people-loving young woman. not only do i love god, but i am talking about it without embarrassment. and it's because i don't believe in god.

i know god exists.

and science is proving it daily now.

remember i mentioned Bruce Lipton in a post not too long ago ("sickness"). well here is the first clip of a lecture he did on the Biology of Perception. he proves using cellular biology that our perceptions and our beliefs affect our health.

his lecture was only the first half of the seminar, the second half of which was a lecture by Rob Williams. he is a psychologist who discovered the way to reprogram your subconscious mind to eliminate limiting thoughts that were placed there by our parents and society as we were growing up. he shows how to do one of the techniques in his Psych-K program, and my sister and i just tried it and it WORKED.

do you wish to see more science that is proving more and more every day that god exists and that we ARE god? here are books and movies you can learn from!

-What the Bleep Do We Know?!
-The Living Matrix
-The Book of Secrets - Deepak Chopra
-Conversations With God - Neale Donald Walsch
-The Power of Now - Eckhart Tolle
-The Biology of Belief - Dr. Bruce Lipton

there are so many more where those came from, but those are the most "mainstream" enlightenment thinkers. others include Dr. Rev. Michael Beckwith, Dr. Wayne Dyer, and so many others!

do you want to learn more about ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING? go to ted.com to see brief lectures on absolutely any topic, from cutting edge science to buddhist philosophy. the goal of TED is to bring world peace through the spread of knowledge.

lovin all of you!

Friday, December 4, 2009

I say ye shall have enlightenment if ye do call upon patience as your armament and declare yourselves deserving

i just visited a website that a friend i met in San Diego told me about. it's called soulcraftteachings.com, and there are several e-books on the site, including the entire Golden Scripts, which apparently is very rare to find in print anymore.

the quote in the title is from the Golden Scripts, and it is a perfect summation of what i have been learning and REALizing (ie: making REAL in my life) since this summer.

anyone can be enlightened. it is not just a privelage given to a select few, like jesus, the buddha, hare krishna, etc. these people were examples that we can all embody IN REAL LIFE, IN THIS DAY AND AGE, AT ANY AGE.

there are a few simple keys to enlightenment, that everyone can understand if they so choose.

first you must know that you deserve to know the Truth.

you must then realize that you ALREADY know the Truth, and always have.

the Truth is: I am God. Everyone around me is not separate from me, but One with me. The appearance of separation is an illusion. I am God, and everyone and everything around me and within me is God as well.

once you understand and accept this Truth as being True, you can then take steps to embody that Truth. follow the Golden Law consciously, rather than unconsciously. it is not a Golden Rule, because rules can be broken. the Golden Law applies 100% of the time, whether you believe in it or not.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. that is; put forth the energy you wish to receive; what goes around comes around.

do you wish to have more love in your life? more money? more blessings? give them first. all the world is a system of energy exchange. you breathe in oxygen, you breathe out carbon dioxide, which trees breathe in and in turn breathe out oxygen. exchange of energy. a smile is energy. a kind word. a hug. eye contact. these are all very simple forms of energy. when you consciously put forth these forms of energy in positive and loving ways, you will notice receiving much more positive and loving energy in other forms from other people.

you've heard the term "karma's a bitch." well not if you use her to your advantage! karma is there to serve. karma will always serve back to you multifold that which you have served to others. karma does not judge. karma does not care who you are, what your name is, how "important" or "unimportant" you think you are. karma is consistent and predictable. do you wish to receive? then GIVE FIRST, without the expectation of reciprocity. give with love, with detachment, and with thanks. because that which you give another, you give yourself.

these are all things that have been said before. i am not the first to say any of this. but because i am a peer to most of you who read this, i think it probably makes it easier to listen to and understand.

the whole world works in the same way that the human body works. each cell lives joyfully to serve the Whole. it fears not for its own survival, but rather knows that the work it does for the cells around it will come back benefit it. this is because EVERY SINGLE CELL IS OF THIS MIND. every cell is working selflessly. in being selfless, it survives easier and for a longer time than those cells which stand alone (amoebas, paramecia, etc).

if we wish to see change come to this planet (and i hope you all wish to see change come to this planet, because there is a lot going on right now that needs to be remedied quickly), we need to stop being so freaked out by eachother. stop being so afraid to MAKE EYE CONTACT. stop worrying about getting what's "rightfully yours" and ask yourself how you can help another achieve what is rightfully theirs. ask yourself what you have to offer another.

because every single one of you has something to offer. don't worry about how big or small of an impact it may seem to have. don't worry about what people will think of you. just offer your service. eventually people will come to you to receive that service. and you will soon find yourself receiving a lot more than you are giving out.

you deserve all the wealth, abundance, and love that the universe has to offer.

fear not.

be love.

one love
one heart
let's get together and
feel alright.


Wednesday, December 2, 2009

thankfulness and forgiveness go hand-in-hand

today i am thankful for:

-funny television that comes in handy when i need to get my mind off of silly "real life" dramas
-loving advice from my mom and sister
-sweet dreams about a beautiful boy i still love
-Conversations With God, by Neale Donald Walsch
-peanut butter and honey

i have to start out small in times like this. i've been going through a lot lately. i have had to come face-to-face with my own selfishness and its destructive consequences. i have lost friends in rapid succession due to my own childish, selfish, and egoic behavior. i have had to face the fact that i have created all of this. ALL OF THIS. that makes it feel so much worse than anything.

but i have to take responsibility for my own change. so i am taking my mother's suggestion, and i am going to focus on what i can be thankful for. 5 things each day. i can do that. i can hold tight, find my center, regain my balance, re-collect my marbles. and i WILL be stronger and brighter for it.

the most ironic and beautiful lesson that i've learned is this: despite how much i resisted coming home to my family, despite the "negative energy" i felt from this home and this family, despite trying to avoid learning from my mother and listening to her wisdom and experience... i have been forced to come home and do those things and LISTEN. and i have realized that there is so much more wisdom and learning to be gained from my family. in my time of greatest pain and hardship, as all of my friends seem to have turned their back on me (and right they should, i've been an asshole), my family has been able to forgive me and care for me and show me unconditional love and support in the ways i've been needing it the most. i'm grateful beyond words. i'm thankful that the universe finally forced me to come here and SIT, and STAY, and CHILL THE FUCK OUT.

i would have kept running around. running away. i would have been sick and alone on the street or somewhere else, with less than nothing but my own mistakes.

i love myself, no matter what. i know i've messed up. everyone i've hurt doesn't think i'm aware of what i've done, but i am. more than i ever wanted to be, i am aware. i acknowledge my mistakes, which have been HUGE. i acknowledge the pain i've inflicted on those around me who only wanted to show me love. that pain must have been intense. i sure know it, because that which you cause another to feel, you ultimately cause yourself to feel. and i have never felt so much pain in such concentrated amounts. i never want to cause that kind of pain again. i never want to harm another again. i never want to fall asleep at the wheel of my life EVER AGAIN. the pain inflicted on myself is enough to put me in my place for a lifetime.

i can't ask the forgiveness of any of the people i've harmed. they have every right to deny me that, and that's okay.

but i can forgive myself. i can accept that i've made mistakes and forgive myself for them and consciously change my behavior so as to match Who I Want To Be.

here is a passage from Conversations With God Book 3 that has given me much needed strength in this time of inner turmoil. god is speaking to Neale Donald Walsh, who has just expressed his feelings of unworthiness and self-doubt.

Yet I tell you this. You are worthy. As is everyone else. Unworthiness is the worst indictment ever visited upon the human race. You have based your sense of worthiness on the past, while I base your sense of worthiness on the future.
The future, the future, always the future! That is where your life is, not in the past. The future. That is where your truth is, not in the past.
What you have done is unimportant compared to what you are about to do. How you have erred is insignificant compared to how you are about to create.
I forgive your mistakes. All of them. I forgive your misplaced passions. All of them. I forgive your erroneous notions, your misguided understandings, your hurtful actions, your selfish decisions. All of them.
Others may not forgive you, but I do. Others may not release you from your guilt, but I do. Others may not let you forget, allow you to go on, become something new, but I do. For I know that you are not what you were, but are, and always will be, what you are now.
A sinner can become a saint in one minute. In one second. In one breath.
In truth, there is no such thing as a "sinner," for no one can be sinned against -- least of all Me. That is why I say that I "forgive" you. I use the phrase because it is one you seem to understand.
In truth, I do not forgive you, and will not forgive you ever, for anything. I do not have to. There is nothing to forgive. But I can release you. And I hereby do. Now. Once again. As I have done so often in the past, through the teachings of so many others.
(pages 86-87)

i love all of you. i don't care who you are, i don't care what your relationship is to me. i don't care if we've never met before. i love you all, because you and i are the same. we are literally One and the same.

do unto others as you would have them do unto you. this is because there is ONLY ONE OF US. there is no other. you are talking to yourself in every interaction with "another." every person you interact with, ever person in the world, is an expression of that which is you. whether it is you in this Now, you in a past Now, or you in a future Now. everyone you meet, or don't meet.

therefore, forgive everyone. no matter what they do or say to you. forgive them, because chances are you have been where they are, and you have done what they are doing. do not sneer upon that which you once were. we are all evolving, and everyone is doing it in their own time and in their own way. be patient. be loving. be forgiving. and stand as an example of Love and Light, always, no matter what comes your way. i know i haven't done that these past couple weeks. but now i recognize my error, and i am taking strides to change and grow. i know you are all doing your best to do the same.

i love you.

Monday, November 30, 2009

my disclaimer

i need to be honest and up front with myself and everyone who reads this.

i am learning, just like all of you. i write in this blog so that i may try to sort out my thoughts, or at least put them somewhere other than in my mind. it becomes overwhelming to constantly have these things chattering at me. so this blog is very much like my journal. but i choose to allow you all to read it because i feel that by opening myself and my experience to you, and showing you all aspects of me, unfiltered, perhaps you all may find some insight into your own personal situations. i do not claim to know everything for all of you. you must make the judgement whether what i say holds true for you or not. not everything i write is necessarily with the intention of teaching or making myself look good. i am just trying to figure things out, just like everyone else.

therefore, please take everything i say, and consider whether or not it is true for you. please understand that i am merely expressing thoughts. not every thought is a true thought. indeed, many of my thoughts are dark and shrouded by ego. sometimes i have to express those before i can recognize them as untrue. try to take what i say from an objective standpoint, and don't become hurt by my expression. if i write something that you disagree with or that you find hurtful, please tell me and i will try to amend it in my next post. as in my "real" life, my truth is constantly growing and evolving. you can observe this evolution of personal truth in the blog posts. i will not remove anything i have previously written. i will only clarify or make amendments or give light to something i have learned since in the next post.

thank you all for taking the time to peek into my experience. i know i sometimes may seem cold, or harsh in the way i regard others. please know that i am constantly making strides to change those parts of me which no longer serve me and those around me.

i love all of you. thanks for your patience and love and understanding :)

"sometimes you just have to force yourself not to respond, especially if responding is going to be hurtful"

my mom just said that to me.

i feel so lost. i don't know what i'm doing wrong. why is it that whenever i make a choice, or say something out of a place that i think is love, someone get's pissed off at me, or misunderstands my intentions, or just plain gets hurt?

god, please tell me what i can do to change my behavior so that i don't continue to step on everyone around me while trying to make decisions.

well the best way to stop stepping on everyone is to stand still and pay attention to where they are in relation to you.

what does that mean? how do i do that in reality?

just breathe. look at your friends, and imagine yourself where they are. why would your friend feel slighted by your actions?

because maybe she thinks i'm ungrateful for all the love that she and her family gave me over the weekend.

and why would she feel that way?

because i wrote about it in a blog post and told everyone to read it...

perhaps not everyone wants your lessons to be publicly viewed?

what should i do? i can't erase my actions, and i don't want to erase anything i've said. i still find truth in them...

maybe you could simply make amends by clarifying what you have written, by pointing out that you ARE in fact grateful, beyond words. words are the least effective purveyor of truth. they become misconstrued and are interpreted via each person's individual filtor: their mind, and their experience. your words, though they ring true for you and your experience, may not hold the same truth for your best friend and your partner. they may not see the angle you are viewing things from. they may think you are acting and speaking without love for them and their realities. although this is certainly not true for you (if you had no compassion for the ones you loved, you would not be feeling the sting of your actions on them), they aren't so sure. reassure them that you are not trying to hurt them. you are a human being with human experiences, all of which are perfect and beautiful in their own way. you are not doing anything "wrong." you are experiencing, and that is what you should be doing. you are remembering that you are part of a whole, and simply the fact that you understand that you may have hurt them by what you have written here proves that you are earnest in your learning experience. it shows that you care to make "right" what you may have done "wrong" by them. in this, you are also learning to make right what you have done wrong by your Self.

what have i been doing wrong by my Self?

remember, you are never doing anything "wrong." there is no such thing as "right" or "wrong."

yes, i know, i've been reading that in Conversations with God.

i know you have, and i'm just reminding you of that.

thanks, but now what can i change? what have i been ignoring, or missing?

you have been ignoring the fact that EVERYONE is JUST AS MUCH OF A DIVINE BEING AS YOU ARE. whether you are talking to a "jock" who doesn't seem to understand you on any level, or whether you are talking to Jesus the Christ himself. there is no better or worse in the eyes of God. there is nothing more or less divine in the universe. everyone is playing on their own level, by their own rules, and with their own spectrum of understanding. just because you have a broader range of understanding than some people your age does not make your choices or your reality any more important than their's. you are beautiful and magnificent and perfect, and so is everyone else. judge not lest ye be judged. you have been judging the love that the people around you have been trying to show you. you have labeled it as not good enough for someone of your caliber. yet i tell you this, all love is love, and every bit of love is just as important as the next. the same goes with money, oxygen, fire, or any other form of energy. when you can learn to count the pennies of love as equally important as the million-dollar check of love, then you will truly understand the value in those around you. they are all doing their best. they are all giving you love from their place of highest understanding. they are all trying to tell you their point of view. do not label it as "not truth" just because you see things differently. everyone's truth is truth, because everyone is creating their own reality. nobody does anything they think is wrong, in relationship to their worldview and their frame of mind. everyone is doing their best. just love them for it, and accept every penny of love they are trying to give to you. pennies add up, you know. this whole analogy is what you have been missing in your search for actual money as well.

is this all coming from me? i never really thought about any of this in that way... thank you for the insight, whoever gave that to me.

you know who gave it to you. you gave it to yourself, and I gave it to you, and so did everyone around you. you know the truth. you are the truth. be love, be the truth, and just relax. you have everything you've ever desired. stop questioning the motives of god. you know that you have and are everything you choose to have and be. choose love. choose prosperity. choose health. you are already all of these things. you have no need to fear!

just relax. you're okay, and so is everyone and everything else. you haven't lost anything, you haven't done irreparable damage, you haven't "fucked everything up." you're just in the process of becoming more aware. pain is simply the body, mind, or soul bringing attention to something that needs to be addressed. if you bump into a table in the middle of the night because the lights were off, the pain you feel in your hip is your body bringing attention to the fact that there is an object there, to your left, and that you should make more of an effort to feel out your environmet before you go further. that is what is happening here with you socially. you keep bumping into things, wondering why everything keeps hurting you and everyone else. you haven't taken the time to stand still, feel out your environment, and decide the best and most pain-free route of action. now is that time for you. just hold still for a bit. everything is working, don't worry. the universe and all of its good does not stop making progress if you take a break to catch your breath. everything is moving forward, whether you are standing still or not.

thank you god. you're right about everything. my mom has been trying to tell me this for weeks now and i didn't want to listen to her.

thank you to everyone who has been so patient with me while i had my eyes closed.


Saturday, November 28, 2009

comfortably uncomfortable

you know the feeling, when you're almost asleep, and your bed is so warm and cozy, and you feel like you are just drifting on a cloud.... but then you realize you REALLY have to pee? the pain in your bladder is almost unbearable, but you don't want to leave the beautiful comfort of your bed. if you let it go long enough, you'll either violently escape your bed to run to the bathroom, or you just hope the pain goes away until you end up wetting the bed.

it seems like a lose-lose situation. either lose the comfort of your bed and gain the comfort of an empty bladder, or keep the comfort of your bed only to lose that comfort as soon as it becomes soaked with your urine.

this is a strange analogy, i know, but i realized it's what had become of my first and only boyfriend-girlfriend relationship.

we loved eachother so much. but there were differences that made things a little difficult. i ended up violently escaping my bed so as to relieve some of the pain i was feeling (ironically enough, i actually was having bladder problems, which have been subsequently solved). but in doing so, i risked not being able to find the same comfort that i had found with my boyfriend. in fact, both of us have realized that it wasn't comfortable for either of us as much as it should have been.

i feel like a lot of people have become comfortably uncomfortable with their lives. they have a job they don't like, but it supplies them with the money they need to have the things they want. they have a spouse who doesn't satisfy their needs and desires, but it is the only person they have found who is willing to be with them. there are numerous other situations which make us uncomfortable, but we are comfortable enough that we ignore the discomfort.

by acknowledging any discomfort, whether emotional, physical, or spiritual, and trying to figure out where the discomfort is coming from, it is easier to gently get out of bed at the first sight of pain, release what needs to be released, and trust that the bed will be more comfortable once you take care of yourself.

we always forget to take care of ourselves. we're constantly surrounded by people or things that seem to need our attention. mothers forget about their health in lieu of a new baby. an engineer doesn't get enough sleep or healthy food because he is busy on a new project. a student drinks coffee and smokes cigarettes to stay awake so she can cram for a test the next day. these are things all of us do, in some way or another. but in paying attention to things outside of ourselves, we forget to take care of what's inside of our Selves.

my ex-boyfriend once told me, while i was in california, missing him terribly, that "pain is fear leaving the body." if pain did not express itself (whether physically or emotionally), it would stay inside, as fear. fear colors our worldview and brings more pain upon ourselves. it's a good thing to express the pain and fear that we feel. i have been surrounded by loving beautiful people who have been trying to help me get through the pain of this recent breakup (which i've never experienced, by the way. i've only had one boyfriend in my life). i am so thankful for their loving patience. but they have been trying to tell me to stop crying, to stop being upset, to stop feeling this pain. all i want, though, is to feel the pain, express it, and release it. i cannot release that which i push back down into the deepest corners of my mind. all of it needs to get out of me. no one would ever tell another person, "oh, you have to go to the bathroom? well, that's not good for you, just ignore the pain, it'll go away." no one would ever tell someone who was sick to their stomach and throwing up "swallow that back down, you don't need to throw up, throwing up sucks." the thought is absurd. if you need to get something out, get it out! it's doing no good to you when it's trapped inside!

pain not expressed is worse than pain felt and then buried.


Friday, November 20, 2009

you are more important than anyone in your universe

the best way to find your soul mate is to FIND YOUR SOUL.

stop looking for anything or anyone OUTSIDE of YOURSELF. your one true love should first be loving your SELF. this goes against everything you've ever learned previous, but stop putting others before yourself. if you can't be happy and loving in your own right, there is no way you can give anyone else the love and happiness they deserve.

if everything in your reality is created by you (and it is, as quantum physics and other sciences are proving every day now), then if you are unhappy or unfulfilled or unsatisfied, so too will be the people around you. that's not to say that you must make yourself feel good at the expense of others. however, when you are happy, you can give happiness to others. when you love yourself as you are right now, then everyone else will sense it and will love you back. this makes it much easier to love everyone else in return! i know this from experience! it's impossible to receive the gift of love if you cannot give it to yourself. you can say this about any feeling: freedom, peace, happiness... even the negative ones; sadness, hatred, fear, etc. the golden rule is not something you can either follow or not. it's more like the Golden Law, which applies much like the Law of Gravity. it is constant and consistent. it is IMPOSSIBLE to treat anyone like anything OTHER than yourself. therefore, put yourself first, treat yourself with love and respect, and it will make it much easier to give others the love and respect you hope for them to feel.

like bob marley says "when you worry your face will frown, and that will bring everybody down! don't worry, be happy!

Monday, November 16, 2009

what a relief!

it's relieving to be honest with people and not allow resentment to build up. it's so important to be able to be completely, 100% honest with the ones you love. if words must constantly be minced, it creates a burden on the one mincing. because the words that are being expressed are not the ones that are floating around in the mind, constantly nagging you and telling you things you don't want to hear. it also creates stress for the person receiving minced information. on a gut level, we know when there is something that is not being said, which creates questions that we don't dare to ask. when negative thoughts and feelings are expressed in words openly and honestly between people (the goal being to resolve those feelings and turn negative to positive, not put the other person down), opportunity for growth is presented. but when those thoughts and feelings are allowed to fester within the mind, they become more and more intense, further poisoning the body and spirit. this can be very overwhelming if allowed to perpetuate, and we all know what stress does to the body.

we must all consciously practice releasing toxicity, in every area of life. let's say, for example, that someone became sick (like i did several days ago). the initial discomfort of nausea is something that this person has little trouble enduring for a while. maybe it will pass, they say. however, the discomfort does not go away, and the nausea becomes worse and worse. when this person finally has to vomit, the last thing going through his or her mind is "oh no, all of that nutrition is being lost! what if i never get it back?" it's silly, isn't it? why would anyone ever think something like that about vomit? if it needs to get out, get it out!

but for some reason, that's not how we feel about other things that are toxic to us: relationships, possessions, thoughts, emotions, etc. isn't this the excuse so many people give when they are in a toxic relationship? "they're all i have. if i leave him/her, i'll have no one left. i'll be all alone." so the relationship perpetuates, becomes more and more unhealthy, not only to the people in it, but to the people observing it.

when we can freely release those aspects of ourself and of our lives that no longer serve us, without allowing them to fester and become unhealthy, that is when we can truly be free and ALIVE!

imagine the digestive system. as i wrote in a previous post, the digestive system is a marvel of the human body. delicious, fresh food (let's say an avocado, my favorite!) is put into the mouth, and mashed up by the teeth and tongue. not only is it mashed up, but enzymes are added to it in the saliva to break it down before it even reaches the stomach. and i'm not even going to talk about the phenomenon of taste! after being chewed up, the esophagus automatically grabs it and pulls it down to the stomach, where acid breaks the food down into amino acids and molecules that nourish the body and allow for cell growth and reproduction. in the intestines, those nutrients are absorbed, along with any water. all that can be used is used, and the rest is released.

compare this system to your life. things like possessions, papers, etc, are amassed. at first all is hunky-dory, and these things seem wonderful. but then we start to attach ourselves to these things, until one day we are in our garage (or bedroom, or attic, or basement, or locker, or anywhere where we put our STUFF) and we can't believe how much crap we have! but we rationalize, as we're cleaning, that "oh, well i could use that," or "this might come in handy one day when i get time to do this project." you know you've said that to yourself, because i know i have. but that day never comes when you have enough time or enough ROOM to do whatever project you were thinking you might one day do. it's constipation! it's you trying to hold on to things that are no longer nourishing your life.

when we eat food, it passes through our system, the nutrients are taken and used, and the waste is released back to the earth. if we were to re-consume this waste, it would poison us. but that is what the bottom feeders are for: the earthworms and bacteria and other bugs that DO find nutrition in that which we consider poison. they are MADE to consume that which we cannot. and in their consumption of it, they create soil which nourishes the plants, which nourish us. that which we have released has now returned to us in a purified and consumable form.

likewise, with any relationship, possession, thought, or feeling; when we release that which no longer nourishes our spirit and body, we can rest assured that the universe will purify it for us, make it new again, and bring us a better and healthier form of whatever was released.

so, in summary: don't mince words, just tenderize them. and stop eating your own shit.


Sunday, November 15, 2009

i found this video today. he elaborates on what i wrote about in my "Ego and God" post a few days ago. "ego is a really clever salesman"

Saturday, November 14, 2009

the candle without its flame

a candle without a flame is just that.
no light can emit 
unless the wick is lit
likewise, a flame without a candle
doesn't last very long
but when brought together
the combination can bring light 
to the darkest of rooms

without you
i'm just another piece of string
covered in wax
cold and dark on its own
and where would you go
to alight your heat
and passion burning
bright as lightning
but so quick
as to liken you to a spark
without a ground to stand on
without the steady fuel 
of an infinite string
glistening with wax

Friday, November 13, 2009


last night i got food poisoning.  i was up all night throwing up.  it got to the point where i was so miserably thirsty, but whenever i drank any water, i just threw it up again, making me feel thirstier.  now, i'm just achy everywhere.  i've been "sleeping" all day, but it's one of those sleeps where  you feel like you're more awake than asleep because your dreams are obnoxiously loud.  

being sick is not always a bad thing.  even though i felt miserable, i still had to remind myself to be thankful that my body is so healthy and intelligent that it can discern what is good for it and what is poisonous.  my body is so smart that it refuses to try and digest toxicity, which would thereby fill every cell in my body with toxicity.  

vomiting and diarrhea are probably the body's most interesting abilities.  as soon as the gut detects poison, all efforts are directed at evacuating the digestive system.  undigested food in the intestines speeds along, faster than usual, to be expelled as quickly as possible (albeit unpleasantly).  the body wastes no time in separating water from the waste.  to do that would be to risk further poisoning the body.  the stomach decides that nothing may enter until everything that may be toxic is evacuated, including water.  

our gut is one intelligent part of the puzzle.  science experiments have shown that the gut has its own nervous system that makes decisions independent of the brain.  in an experiment i saw on the Science Channel, scientists took a piece of rat intestine, suspended it in a life-preserving liquid, and put a plastic pellet up to one end.  the intestine sucked up the pellet and moved it along, "digesting" it until it popped out the other end.  this piece of intestine was not attached to any living animal, and therefore was not controlled by the brain.  what does this say about the body? that there is more going on than we fully understand.

on the cellular level, each cell carries the same properties as the body, only on a small scale.  respiratory, digestive, excretory, and reproductive systems are found in each cell.  Bruce Lipton, a cellular biologist, applies fractal theory to the human body.  fractal theory, if you are unfamiliar with the term, is described in the phrase "as above, so below."  in other words, that which is on the large scale is mimicked by the small scale.  the universe is fractal in nature.  imagine, for example, the planet earth.  zoom out and you see the solar system:  a star (an energy body) with planets (smaller energy bodies) orbiting it.  look out from the solar system and you see more stars, many of which also have solar systems.  now zoom out and you have the milky way galaxy:  a center of energy with energy orbiting it.  look out from there, and you see what appear to be more stars, but which are really more galaxies.  now zoom out from that and you have the universe.  can you zoom out further?  

now let's go back to the earth.  zoom in this time, and you have a human.  actually, billions of humans.  zoom into one human, and we see the organs and systems that make up the physical human body.  zoom into any one cell that makes up one of those organs, and you see that each cell ALSO has organs and systems, only on a very miniscule scale.  now zoom in and you see the atoms that make up each cell.  billions of them.  and what does an atom look like?

a center of energy, with smaller bits of energy orbiting it.  

can you zoom in further?

if the universe is fractal (ie REPETITIVE) in nature, and the human cell is simply a microcosm of the human body, then what is the human body a microcosm of?  we are each individual cell bodies in the larger cell body of the earth.  the earth is one very large organism that lives and breathes just like every little organism found on its surface.

if this is so, then it can be said that disease within the human body is likened to war, famine, and pollution in the larger scale of humanity.  

when my body detects something toxic within it, all efforts are directed at purging, evacuating the poison so as to continue the survival of the organism.  looking at the earth as an organism, it is no wonder that so many more storms, earthquakes, tsunamis, and other natural "disasters" have been occurring lately.  we have been poisoning our planet and she is throwing up all over the place, trying to save herself from the toxicity.  we must work quickly to come together and heal ourselves and the planet.  it's easy to do.

we just all have to agree to do it.

when every single little cell does its part, the whole organism is allowed to flourish.  each cell only carries enough food and oxygen to survive for 2 seconds at a time.  this is because all of the cells are working in harmony, sharing with and healing each other.  there is no separation.  a cell that is separate is an amoeba, and those don't live very long.  when cells in the human body decide to stop cooperating with the rest of the body, the phenomena known as "cancer" occurs.  cancer cells do not listen to the rest of the cells around it, and grow and reproduce out of control, eventually killing the organism.  sound familiar?  

not one dictator or CEO or president is enough to stop billions of people stepping up to the plate.  not one negative voice is strong enough to drown out billions of positive people crying in unison for change.  we cannot wait for one talking head to call us to action.  we must take matters into our own hands, because now it's down to the wire.  

stop falling victim to circumstance.  take the reins of your life and "be the change you wish to see in the world."  


Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Ego and God

Lucky D's Hostel
San Diego, CA

so i've made it to california.  i've only been here for a little over a week, but it feels like it's been forever.  i miss my boy.  it's strange to not have any responsibilities.  it makes it easy to veg out and not leave my room.  

being here without the help of close friends and my boyfriend is a challenge.  but it's a challenge i'm choosing, and every time i feel like i can't do it i have to remind myself that i have CHOSEN this path, and that i want to see where it leads me.  i can do it.  the universe is helping me every step of the way.  every time i run completely out of money, some more shows up, from one source or another.  

i Know that i am always in the exact right place at the right time.  even if i'm just sitting in the communal kitchen watching Frasier and looking at half a peanut butter and cocopuffs sandwich, like i am right now.  what will i make of my day today?  i heard about a Food Not Bombs several blocks from here, which i might go to and help out at.  

i've met a lot of awesome people since i've been here.  even people on the street.  there was a homeless guy i talked to the other day who told me this story:

once upon a time, there was a WIIIIIIIIDE mouthed frog, and one day he hopped up to a bird and said, "i'm a WIIIIIIIIIDE mouthed frog, and i feed my babies bugs, what do you feed your babies?" and the bird replied "why, i feed my babies worms."  "oh," said the frog, "i didn't know that,"  and he hopped along to a deer in the forest.  he said, "i'm a WIIIIIIIIIIIDE mouthed frog, and i feed my babies bugs, what do you feed your babies?"  the deer replied "why, i feed my babies leaves from the trees."  "oh, i didn't know that," said the frog, and he hopped along to an alligator in the river.  he said "i'm a WIIIIIIIIIDE mouthed frog, and i feed my babies bugs, what do you feed your babies?"  

"wide mouthed frogs!"

(puckering his lips) "oh, i didn't know that!"

i need to make sure i get outside today.  i always feel better when i'm walking around, finding things to do. 


yesterday i was hanging out in the common area at the hostel i'm at, and i was feeling frustrated at these two frat-type guys who work here and like to commandeer the common room to play wii frisbee every night, even if other people are in the middle of watching TV.  i don't watch very much TV, but it's still rather rude to barge in and demand that we turn off our program and let them play the same game they play every night until 6am.  so in my frustration, i turned to the book "Conversations With God," and opened it up to a random page and looked at it, and right in the middle, highlighted by the previous owner, was the sentence "Stop making judgements against yourself." 

i had to think about that for a second.  how was i making judgements against myself by feeling aggravated about a couple of jock-straps?  then i remembered that WE ARE ALL ONE, and to judge another or complain about another is to judge or complain about an aspect of oneself.  all the universe is an expression and manifestation of what is inside oneself.  therefore, every interaction is an interaction with the Self.  it was a good reminder to be love in EVERY interaction, including the ones that make me uncomfortable.  i don't have to spend time around people who do not appreciate or love me for who i am, but if i choose to be around those kinds of people, i need to focus and stay positive.  if i don't feel like i can handle that, then it is my responsibility to leave the situation.  the impact of my actions is immense.  i do not want anyone to feel harmed in any way by me, no matter how slightly.  therefore, i will choose Higher and BE LOVE, even (rather, ESPECIALLY) in the face of hatred.  

to anyone who may be reading this:  i promise you, you are loved.  the universe wants you to be happy and free.  judge not yourself by judging others.  feel no fear, you are safe and protected in everything you do.  when you trust that everything is working in your favor (even the things that may seem "bad" at the time), things tend to get much better, faster!  i love you all, infinitely and unconditionally.  i know you don't know me, but that doesn't matter, because you are reading this for a reason.  it doesn't matter if you don't connect with these words right now.  you will remember them when the time is right, and they will mean something when you need them to.  

it doesn't matter if you "believe" in "god" or not.  it took me a long time to be able to use the word "god" without the twinge of ego that came with it.  but one day at a phish show, i was tripping on acid and i started to hear some kind of demonic undertones to the music, and i asked my friends if they heard it.  they said they didn't know what i was talking about.  then i listened again and said to myself, hmmm, i must be hallucinating that.... and as soon as i thought that, it went away.  i looked for it again and it was there, and then i told myself it wasn't, and it was gone again.  then i started wondering if i was schizophrenic.  i started wondering how much of what i was seeing was of my mind's creation.  and then a voice in my head said "you're creating all of it."  and i thought to myself "does that mean i'm god?" and the voice in my head said "yes, i am god.  i've been here the whole time, remember?" and then i realized i had remembered that i was god a couple weeks before while i was tripping on shrooms.  i wondered to myself "but what keeps making me forget this?" and god said "ego.  ego is what always makes you forget."  and i asked "but what does ego look like?" and god said "ego is everything that says you aren't god.  every person that says 'you can't do that.' every image and thought and word that says 'i'm better/worse than this person' "  and i kept thinking about that for the rest of the phish tour.  i realized a lot about god during that weekend.  and ego has made me forget since then!  it's a constant conscious battle to separate my egoic mind from my god-state that is pure observant bliss.  god is the observer.  the watcher.  god watches and loves its creation.  ego tries to control the creation, curtail the creation.  god knows though, that creation will always continue, and that there is no need for control.  ego is the mirror of god.  the exact opposite.  ego tells the truth in the exact opposite way that god tells the truth.  ego says "you're not god.  you can't be god, what makes you think you're so much better than me?"  but ego gets lost in the language and forgets its place.  YOU IS EGO, I IS GOD.  therefore, when ego says "you aren't god" it is telling the truth, but it's confusing.  to this, god can reply "yes ego, you're right.  YOU ISN'T GOD, YOU IS EGO.  I IS GOD."  

ego is every single thought, feeling, emotion, word, image, or anything else that tells you "you are not god."  once you recognize what ego looks like, it is easy to say "thank you ego, for being my mirror and showing me Who I Am by showing me who i am NOT.  i am NOT ego, and i choose to act as god.  god is love.  i am love.  UNCONDITIONAL love.  ego puts conditions on love, because ego doesn't know what real love feels like.  ego only knows what fear feels like.  a condition on love is fear that love will be lost, and protecting oneself from being hurt by "lost love."

know that no love can be lost, because love is universal and infinite.  love yourself purely and completely, and others will notice and follow suit!  when i decided to love myself and know myself as beautiful, strangers on the street began telling me how beautiful i am!  this never happened before, because i didn't think i was beautiful.  i didn't think i was worthy of love from anyone else, even though i desired so much to be loved by others.  but what i didn't realize was that "what you seek you already are."  do not seek love, money, wealth, beauty.  BE IT.  CHOOSE IT AND BE IT.  


Tuesday, September 29, 2009


i can't express enough how sorry i am for saying such terrible things to you tonight.  it's times like that when i feel like i'm watching everything happen from a dark corner in the back of my own mind.  i get lost there.  i know you know that's not the real me.  the next time i end up coming from that place, please remind me that it's not the real me, and that everything is ok.  i try to remind myself, but it's better to have someone who loves me unconditionally (because when i'm in that mindset, my self-love is not always unconditional).  i don't know why i get like that.  i'm trying my hardest to learn about myself and the way i think.  all i know is that it's a challenge i've been presented with in order to learn something.  i've always had highs and lows, and i'm so thankful for your patience and love, because i've never had that from anyone during those times in the past.  i've always had to live with the fear and guilt that my pain may cause harm to others.  i'm so thankful for you being such a strong force of love against the darkness that shows up in my mind. it's getting better, but it takes time and practice.  like i said, last year i was like that for days and days on end.  you and the lessons you've taught me have helped me make those periods few and far between.  hopefully i'll be able to rid myself of them entirely, or almost entirely.  

of course it's ALWAYS worth it for me to love you, you've brought so much love into my life.  it's horribly selfish of me to even think about gaining anything for myself from you.  i want to give you so much more than i would ever want for myself.  i wish i could give you more than you give me now.  i wish i could reciprocate all the gifts you give me.  i want to share all my love with you, but it's sometimes really hard to give love to someone virtually.  i know that's why i have to detach from you... but i still want to be sending you love, and i don't know how to do that yet without wishing i was there a little bit.  

i'm being presented with a lot of lessons that many people never have to experience, let alone before they even get down the basics.  i created these challenges, i recognize that, but i still need patience and understanding while i'm trying to figure them out.  there is no way i can fail to learn.  

you're not the only person i've lashed out at in the past couple days.  i snapped at my friend for questioning me so much about my trip to cali.  i really need to get out of here and do something.  my back hurts and i'm tired and bored all day. sometimes i feel like i can't enjoy anything without someone there to enjoy things with me.  i go to the woods, but i get restless and distracted.  i know what you're going to say to this, but i feel like i'm thinking about you 95% of the time.  i wish that wasn't how my mind and heart worked, but it is... i get obsessive and it makes life hard to focus on.  sometimes if i really want to talk to you, i don't do anything all day because i'm apathetic about something i guess.  i'm ashamed to be admitting these things to you, because i know what your reaction is to them... but admitting these things to you is also admitting them to myself, which helps.  

i guess it's almost like i have focused so much passion on you and i have stopped having much passion for anything else... 

i'm sorry, this must be really weird for you to read... i didn't really realize how obsessive and manic-depressive i can be.  i don't want to be a drain on your energy.  i just hope you understand me a little bit.  when i'm with you i don't feel any of these things... i don't know what's wrong with me... i just wish i didn't have to feel like this.  so low.  i feel so ashamed to feel like this, especially to be expressing it to you.  i want to be showing you love and i'm not doing that at all.  i want to be the beautiful happy young woman that you love so much, and i hope that by just expressing the feelings i have right now will help me get rid of them faster.  i'm going to try my hardest to do better for you, for me.  

i love you, i'm sorry, please forgive me, thank you.