jack of speed

i have joined the local Roller Derby team in my town. it is so much fun! and i am super sore.

there's something very satisfying about being sore from exerting lots of physical energy doing something fun. tonight was my first practice, and i have been dubbed "Fresh Meat" for now. i like that :P

i had a mild epiphany during practice. i noticed i felt more stable the faster i was going, and it was easier to go around the bend without losing balance, because the momentum would keep me from falling. yes, going faster means that falling hurts more. but that's part of the game.

it's the same with life. when you get goin' at that really high, fast vibration, feeling really good and getting shit done... that feels great, and it is more stable. sure, if you let yourself get distracted, or you trip over some negative feeling, it will probably hurt worse than if you were plodding along at a steady rate of unhappiness, and then an unfortunate event presented itself to you... the latter would be like just another bump in the road.

but that's part of the game. you might get a few bruises. they'll heal. you just pick yourself up and keep on skating. at the end of the day, it is far more satisfying to be beaten-up and sore because you really played the game, than to feel comfortable and lazy, having never stretched your limits.

love!

clarity, clarity, and more clarity.

tonight has brought clarity. my heart communicates in such a beautiful way to me. the more i listen, and heed its message, the closer i feel to mySelf. i feel love and respect for myself every time i listen and communicate from the center of my Heart.

my true desire: the relationship. THE relationship. i'm ready to be ready for this. i'm no longer willing to wade around in the land of in-between. i'm either in a relationship or i'm not. i would rather be "single" and celibate than mess around with boys that i know aren't ready for me. i am perfectly okay with being single for a while. it's getting easier and easier, and it's allowed my relationship with Me to become deeper and more Loving. this is bound to manifest as an outer relationship that reflects such Love and understanding. i am learning how to communicate with myself. this is preparation for when i will be communicating with another.

shall i describe him for you? well, you see... he is a lot like me, just with different genitalia :} he and i both know Who We Are and Why We Came (God... to have fun creating a physical life experience!). our intentions are complimentary and harmonious with one another. travel, film, art, socializing, and lovemaking... all this and much more... these are things we love to fill our lives with. we have fun making our way through life moment to moment, creating new vignettes and scenes that delight us in every way. sitting outside a coffee shop in amsterdam, smoking a joint and appreciating the sunlight... eating a nutella/banana crepe on the square by the eiffel tower... listening to americana music at a tavern in texas.... sitting on a rooftop under a full moon while a party rages in the apartment below. these are moments i imagine sharing with him. he and i both know that we do not make each other happy... that we are each individually connected to the Flow, and nothing the other says or does has the power to disconnect us from that Flow. but we've both explored the Darkness enough to be able to encourage the other in case we forget for a moment Who We Are and Why We Came. there is nothing we can't do. when i see him, i get the same feeling that i get when i'm about to go on stage; heart pounding, "this is it!" mind racing but simultaneously blank, pure excitement and thrill and Knowing and passion. there is no doubt when i look into his eyes. it is as if i am looking at my own Self... and indeed i am, for we "two" are actually One Spirit manifest in two avatars. he is thinking of me now... wondering when we'll meet, and i do my best to send my love and encouragement to him via his Connection; "i love you, and i look forward to meeting you... seek comfort in the Arms of your own Soul, for i am also there, and there is where we can rendezvous."

thank god for all the relationships that have "failed" in my past. truly, i was shown possibilities and was able to recognize what i don't want. i don't want aloofness and miscommunication. i don't want doubt and confusion. i don't want to speak and not be heard. i don't want bad sex! i don't want wishy-washy in-between bullshit. i don't want apathy. i don't want discordant intentions about money, expansion, travel, creation, or anything else that is important. i don't want short-lived, bitter-sweet, dream-like blips of relationships. what do i want? i want clarity and honesty. i want openness and trust. i want to be heard. i want to hear. i want to be on the same page. i want passion and intensity and lusty and divine physical contact. i want harmony of intentions. i want a man who wants to be rich, who wants to travel with me ASAP, who wants to play and create and explore every day with me. i want amazing, cosmic, mind-blowing, beyond orgasmic sex! and i want it all to come in the most beautiful package i've ever seen in my life. and i want it to last for as long as i'm using this DNA as the blueprint for my physical avatar. and i get to have all of this! the Universe has lined up for me the perfect fit for all that i've asked for in my years and years of contrasting experience. the Universe knows even better than i do what i've asked for over all of these years, and has cooked up somebody so magnificent and so ready for what i'm ready for... well there just aren't words to describe the deliciousness of this relationship. i sure have cooked up something wonderful :)

anywho, it's good to finally put that down into words and solidify it a bit. i'm ready to be ready. Inner Being, make me ready! help me be ready for this, and put me in the right place at the right time (as You always do). and help me let go in the meantime. help me relax and allow myself to feel Love for him Now. and help me to remember that all the Love i feel comes from You, and that nobody can replace You as my Source of happiness and security, no matter how pretty they are. thank you.

love!

heart-to-heart

wow, i've really learned something amazing this week!

i had been feeling some interesting feelings, particularly with regards to relationships and sex. part of me feels a strong desire for it, and was willing to overlook any minor undesirable features (physically unattractive to me in some way, spiritually misaligned with me, intentionally misaligned with me, etc) in order to have what i thought i wanted NOW. all the while, my heart quietly twinged, waiting for me to listen to what it has to say. and it would become cacophony and confusion in my mind as i battled between having what i want NOW, and waiting until the energy is completely in alignment before allowing it to manifest.

so i was presented with a few choices this week. one choice was a potential romance with someone very physically beautiful, and very aligned with me in terms of consciousness. i knew as soon as i saw him the first time that i wasn't in alignment with a relationship, and so he couldn't be the one i was looking for in that department... but my mind tried to convince me that maybe over time things would change. the mind can be a real idiot sometimes. the heart always knows, in an unbiased way. needless to say, i spent about a month feeling confused and distraught by all of the feelings of "what if." finally i came to the conclusion that i clearly wasn't ready for a relationship, because if i was, i wouldn't feel confused. i asked him "what do you feel?" preparing myself to explain my feelings, i listened as he explained to me exactly what i was feeling, but from his perspective. we were on the exact same page.

oh the freedom!

i felt this amazing sensation of being lifted to a completely new level of self-awareness. i had listened to my heart and communicated from that space, and in making myself vulnerable in that way, i actually became stronger and healthier. my trust in my own intuition became stronger. my heart opened and softened. and i felt the confusion lift.

next, some opportunities for sex came to me. one of them just kept not working out, and i figured out pretty early on that this was for a good reason. he ended up communicating to me that he wasn't big on jumping into sex. i laughed when he texted me this, because i already knew it wasn't going to happen, but i was relieved to find out why.

then a friend of mine asked me if i would be interested in practicing tantra with him. i said yes, although i felt the tiniest grain of a question in my heart. but my desire overrode it, and we began making plans. the wonderful thing about intuition is that, if you don't hear it when it's the tiniest grain of a question, it will stay there and get louder, and the more you pull against it the louder it will get. finally, last night, i felt like my mind was roaring with confusion. i decided to take a walk and ask my heart what was going on. i just talked aloud to myself and explained to myself that i didn't want him. i wasn't attracted to him, and that was that. that was it. it was such a simple little thing... a preference. i wanted something different, and even though i knew it would feel good to have sex again, it wouldn't feel right in my heart if i ignored my own desires.

desire is something that many people are confused about in this day and age. on one side, we have a mainstream world that is consumed by desire, thinking that the craving within can be satiated by the next shiny object, the next hot body, the next good party. but that craving within is not a craving for physical stimulation. it is a craving for connection to the All That Is. this connection cannot be achieved by buying anything or going anywhere or doing anything in particular, although flashes of this connection can be felt in the midst of a great conversation, or while dancing, or making art, or whatever else suits your fancy. but those are fleeting, and if you cannot feel the connection all the time, then you're left craving what you think is bringing you happiness (the action) when really, your happiness comes from being connected (however accidentally or intentionally).

connection to Source/God/All That Is/Whatever you want to call it, comes from being still and going within oneself and finding that silent island. there, you ask the question, and the answer comes forth from the abyss around you.

but there is another side of desire that we ignore. when we figure out that we have been consumed by physical desire, and that connection was what we were seeking all along, many of us tend to reject the physical world completely. we say "oh i shouldn't desire that, it won't make me happy. i'll just forget about it." on one level that is true... that physical thing won't make you happy, but if you are happy already, you are allowed to partake in the physical world and relish its delights. there is a reason desire is there. desire is born within us from the Divine. desire is what pulls us towards where we are meant to Be. desire is a Divine communication, and to ignore it is blasphemy.

i have strong and beautiful Desires. i have a Desire for a mate who is not only aligned with me consciously, spiritually, and intentionally, but is also physically beautiful in all the ways that delight my eyes and hands and body. i want the full package, and there is a Reason for this. to deny my own Desire is to deny the communication my Large Loving GodSelf is giving to me. to rationalize and say "oh well he's not that good-looking to me, but he's sweet, he deserves a chance... i shouldn't be so shallow..." is to judge my own connection with the Divine. everyone has a Desire that can be matched by the Universe. that includes EVERYONE. everyone's physical preferences can be met.

from now on, i'm not settling for anything that is less than what makes my heart sing. i have high standards and i deserve to have those standards met. we all do. i am laying claim to my Divine Inheritance. my Kingdom of Heaven is my own Creation, and i get to design it and choose the way it looks and feels and tastes and smells. i have already Created this Kingdom, and i am its Queen. all is well in this land, so long as i listen to the advisor that rests within my own HEART.

love!

the fear

ever since i started doing Divine Openings, i've been changing internally at such a rapid rate that it's almost hard to comprehend. oddly enough, time has taken a different form... it feels stretchier than before. it seems to slow down so that each day and each week is very long, and i have more time to expand and develop, so that by the end of one week i have transitioned drastically.

yesterday was very interesting. a few days of low emotion and some confusion were leading up to it, and i was doing (what i thought was) my best to feel and allow the emotions. but really, i was forgetting to go within and feel feel feel feel FEEL. i had gotten caught up in a web of old stories and i couldn't escape! yesterday began beautifully... i woke up before 6 am and went out for a nice morning stroll with my dog. i enjoyed the brisk air and the sunrise and the birds chirping. i even saw my first cardinal of the year! (i love cardinals)

however, when i got back home, i started feeling sleepy again. so i decided it wouldn't hurt to take a nap. well i went to sleep and i woke up around 1 or 2 feeling completely depressed. then my mind began attaching all kinds of non-existent dramas to the depression, making it feel so much worse. i felt like i had no friends (false) and like i was completely unloved. i felt like my life was worthless and going nowhere (false false false), and that i was failing at all that i sought to succeed in. i even began daydreaming of suicide, which i hadn't done in over a year. i wondered if having a taste of death would give me a new appreciation for life. i fantasized about sitting on the back porch with a razor, listening to the birds and breathing in the cool spring air as i drifted out. i just allowed these thoughts and feelings to come in, but soon i began worrying about myself. i grasped and pleaded, trying to get ahold of friends who might be able to soothe me. not hearing back from them, i began to feel even lonelier and abandoned. i sat in a bar drinking water, crying all alone.

i finally reached the bottom, fully realizing that i was creating this experience, and telling myself this story which was hurting me so much. i prayed for my Inner Being to help me stop creating this story and begin to create a new one.

soon, the loneliness lifted. riding my bike home, i began to feel angry. "fuck it! fuck all those people! if they don't want to help me when i need help, then they can go fuck themselves because i deserve love god dammit! fuck all of it, i'll be my own friend."

i went back out to my porch and sat, listening to music and singing, and feeling irritated at my mom for trying to cheer me up (lol). then, as i was dipping a tortilla chip into some guacamole she had made, i suddenly felt lucid. it was as though i had been walking around in my sleep all day, and i was now aware of the moment i was in. everything felt okay. i still hadn't heard from my friends, but that was ok. i just sat and enjoyed the music i listened to, the view from my back porch, and the chips and guacamole. i went inside and watched House. then i watched Yes Man (which is hilarious and made me feel a hundred times better).

then, i tuned in to what i thought would be Whose Line Is It Anyway?? only to find a program by Joel Osteen. part of me wanted to immediately flip to something different, because i knew this was going to be something cheesy and religious. but something deeper told me to stay and listen, so i did. the entire service given by this man was uplifting, empowering, and beautiful. his face glowed as he spoke his Truth. i was moved to tears several times by the examples he gave of humans uplifting each other and helping each other succeed. and by the end, i found out that this was a Born Again Christian pastor i had been listening to. i really felt my heart open.

today my energy feels like calm water. i'm not moving up, and i'm not being pulled under. i'm just being, and i'm grateful to be at peace. the conclusion i have made from yesterday was that if i try to resist feeling, by trying to run away from my center and hide behind friends, television, facebook, and my stories... i'll only end up hurting more and more until all of those things abandon me so that i have nowhere else to hide. it is so hilarious! i got a text message later at night, after i was finally feeling much better, from one of my friends saying that he'd been busy and had only just gotten the message i'd sent asking for someone to talk to. and today, i found out that the other friend i had texted (with a whole bunch of drama and silliness) hadn't even gotten any of the messages until this morning, because his phone had died. my Inner Being knew that what i needed was silence and inner-diving, not more drama and talk and stories and "poor me" bullshit.

i intend to remember this the next time some emotion comes up. i intend for it to be easy to let go and surrender to the feeling of it. i intend for my new story to create itself easily in my mind, and i intend for it to be easy to let go of the old stories i've been carrying around. i'm ready for this. bring it on!

love.