Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Blasting off

Since last night, I have become downright excited!  New possibilities have entered my mind!  I'm grounding myself in this here-and-now, but I'm looking forward to what is coming next!  Surely this is the best position to be in.  Forever on the brink.

All it really takes is a little bit of letting go.  Just a little bit of breathing in my body.  Just a little bit of forgetting what the physical world consists of.  

This is the feeling I've been wanting to glean from my circumstances.  But I'm gleaning it from within my own self.  There is a gold mine of ecstatic yumminess to be glean'd from within!  How glorious!


Monday, February 3, 2014

Few and Far Between

Wow, it's been a long while.  Much has happened, within and without.

I got a dog, and he is currently the love of my life.  Such sweet affection from this furry friend.  I adore him.

I moved to a more permanent residence.  It's a lovely little place, and already my heart is asking for more.  How funny it is to be human, we have such constantly expanding desires, it's hard to keep up with it all!  But I have enjoyed this home, and still do.

I graduated from my acting class.

And I commenced my annual winter hibernation period.  This time, I punctuated it by attending my second Divine Openings 5 Day Retreat, in California.  I took two weeks to luxuriate in the warmth and beachy sunshine.  It was fantastic.  And there was contrast.  Life does not cease to have contrast, even after "enlightenment."

I use this word in quotations because it seems as soon as I think I've grasped what it is to "be there," I sink back down into old habits.  Searching for something new, searching for someone new, searching for the next thing, the next thing, the next thing.  It's incredibly tiresome, and I'm finding it difficult to tread the line between passionately going forth into new territories -- eating life with vim and vigor -- and hungrily, addictively seeking the avenues for new stuff to have.  Stuff can be anything from a car to a nice hard cock to ride on.  It doesn't matter, I am addicted to gathering and attaining new things!  How can I let go of this?  It's running me ragged, and I can tell I've lost sight of what I once felt very assuredly within me.  Or maybe I never quite felt it.  It seems every time I do find "it," I stay there for a few moments, and then I immediately look for ways in which I can get my stuff.  It's like I'm only trying to get "it" so that I can have my stuff as a result.


I am so sick of constantly having an ulterior motive to feeling happiness.  I just want to be happy and be satisfied with having that feeling, not because I know it will cause the things I want to gravitate magically towards me, but because FEELING UNABASHEDLY HAPPY IS FUCKING AWESOME!

I am exhausted by the constant reaching outside of myself, trying to fill holes that are empty because I'm not in them.  I am tired of chasing down physical manifestations.  I am DONE with trying to manifest shit.

I hereby commit to making myself happy.  In whatever way I can, I am going to make myself happy.  Tonight, it was eating an entire bag of cheddar and sour cream potato chips while watching Wilfred.  Tomorrow, maybe I'll do something else that's fun.  Or maybe I'll sleep all day.  Or maybe I'll jerk off.  Whatever it takes.  I deserve to feel good no matter what, and I am tired of making my happiness contingent on things happening in my outer reality.  I am so DONE WITH THAT!

If there is a God, I implore you, replace this fucking annoying habit with one of getting out of the way, of settling into my body and breathing, of letting my life just juggle itself from now on.

Thank you.