Friday, February 26, 2010

ok, frustration, you win this time...

i keep getting pissed off at my mom. she's always up in mah biznass. so obnoxious. i know that it is only because i am expecting this vibration from her... and i want to expect a different vibration from her, but this is all i've known.

i can appreciate her for the contrast she is living, which is creating great expansion in the universe. i can appreciate her for the creative ideas she often has. but it's hard to do that all the time... i think i'll just stay away from her, because i don't know how to regard her without activating low vibrations within myself.

i want to get out of here. i want to be independent. i am getting impatient! i need to go to my Source Well and fill up. i need to do that every day.

don't know what else to write. feel like i've been blocking myself creatively.


Thursday, February 25, 2010

no more excuses

i have fallen into a habit of being unproductive beyond belief.

this is unacceptable. how will i ever achieve anything if i don't start being productive starting now?

no excuses. for every excuse that comes out of my mouth, i think i will do one pushup.

i am reading Think and Grow Rich, by napoleon hill. it's amazing. i think everyone should read it. you can download the e-book for free here:

it's free, so you really have no excuse not to read it. unless you don't want to be a millionaire. suit yourself. i've got big things to do, so i'll be doing them while you are sitting on your ass complaining!

kick it into gear!


Tuesday, February 23, 2010


i feel compelled to write.... but about what, i don't know yet.

perhaps it will flow out of me like it often does. i find myself typing out sentences that i barely have time to hear in my head first. i don't know where the words come from, but they're usually truthful.

i find i teach my own lessons. but a lot of the time i forget that, and i get in the mind frame of "this person has a lesson to learn, they just don't see it yet." and i get arrogant a little, and i lecture them, telling them how it is. but i don't listen to my own lectures. i should do that more often. i should listen to my own lectures. because they're always correct, but they're always for me.

this morning my mom tried to convince me that astrology isn't a spiritual practice. and neither is tarot. i tried to tell her that she is misunderstanding these things, and that they are founded in spiritual principles. but she didn't hear me. she kept talking over me before i could even finish what i was saying. and then she said that i was doing the same thing. i hardly ever argue anymore, because it riles me up and i don't like feeling riled up. i can feel my internal energy tensing, preparing to defend. i don't have anything that needs to be defended. i know that astrology is a spiritual practice for me, i don't need my mother to explain to me that my knowing must be wrong. there are a lot of things she has told me that are completely incorrect. but i based a lot of my understanding of the world on the "truths" she gave me when i was young. i know when i know the truth, and the truest truth needs no defense. the truth just is, and you either know it or you don't. there's no debating it. it just is.

i like how far i've come. i have changed so much. it is interesting to look back at myself the way i was a year ago. i think i had strep throat at the time. i had it for almost a month. it was miserable! now i know what the real cause of it was. now i know that all dis-ease comes from vibrational disharmony. and at that time, i was in extreme disharmony with myself. i had very low opinions of myself and a lot of others. i was angsty, depressed, and frustrated with my love life. and i was having a very difficult time in my collage class, which was probably why the problem was in my throat. my creative energy was all blocked up. just thinking about it makes my throat twinge! really!

i'm so thankful for where i am in my life right now. i say this all the time, and sometimes it feels like i'm just saying it and it doesn't mean anything, but i really am. i really am thankful for where i am and how far i've come. i love the beautiful woman i am growing into. i love the experiences i am creating for myself. i love my life!

where were you a year ago? where are you now in comparison? are you thankful for what has lead you to this place, here and now? even the difficult parts? because they are just as necessary as the pleasant parts. without the bad, the good could not be appreciated fully. i experienced a lot of really difficult lessons this year. a lot was brought to my attention that i was completely unaware of. a lot of my vibration has been re-vamped in the last year. i'm really glad. i'm much happier now, and i only see it getting better and better every day :D


Sunday, February 21, 2010


i love learning lessons, putting the pieces together to see a new area of my life of which i needed awareness.

the past couple days, i've been feeling really social and charming. i was really milking it, and basically toying with every guy in my vicinity and getting them all to give me things and do things for me. it was fun while it lasted... but today i was feeling a little low and guilty and i tried to push it aside. but i realized as i was brushing my teeth that i have had guys do that to me and it felt awful. so even though i know these things about what abraham says... that the only person you have responsibility for is you and that you shouldn't worry about other people's vibrations... it doesn't mean i can just do anything to anybody and then say "well, it's not MY fault you feel this way, you should take responsibility for your OWN vibration!" that's a rather cruel way that a beautiful and liberating truth can be twisted. i'm glad i tested that out and figured out what that really was. it helped me to define the teachings a little more clearly in my own life.

i know i keep saying this, but i can really feel myself getting better and better every day!

i have, however, been slacking a little when it comes to taking care of my body. i've been eating lots of food, and most of it is carbs and junk. yes, i know that my body is resilient and that it can survive on almost anything, and that's awesome and such a blessing, but that doesn't mean i should be giving my body anything less than what it truly desires. my body desires fresh fruits and vegetables, whole grains, legumes and nuts, and not much else. i've been forgetting that food is not just something that is pleasurable for the mouth. that's what leads to so much dysfunctional eating in this world. we are forgetting that at the end of our throat is our stomach, and our stomach has to do work to break down what we put into it. it's a super smart organ, and it can digest just about anything. but why not make its job as easy and pleasing as possible? why put high amounts of greasy, dense crap in our mouths just because it's physically enjoyable to feel it in our mouth and mash it up with our teeth? why do we say "shut up stomach, i know you feel like bursting, but my mouth isn't done masturbating yet. you'll just have to deal with one more bite, okay?!"

no more! i am either eating fresh and healthy vegetables and fruit, etc... or i am eating nothing at all. i much prefer being energized to being lethargic, and eating just because i can and i feel like it makes me SO LETHARGIC. and that's super unproductive. i am choosing to be productive and energized in my life experience. i am choosing to discipline myself into healthy and joyous habits! no more slacking! i am moving forward and taking control of my mouth! from now on, stomach first, mouth second!

i love learning lessons! life is so good! it's so fun to know how to navigate my mind and know how to get aligned no matter how far into the darkness i decide to explore at any given moment. i love it!

i love all of YOUUUUUUU!!!

be beautiful!

Friday, February 19, 2010


i see stubborn old leaves clinging to snow-covered branches outside my window
refusing to let go.
refusing to move on.
hardly noticing that their initial purpose has been fulfilled and therefore transformed
hardly noticing that they have withered away and become rigid in their old ways
hardly noticing that the life around them is taking a different direction
that they are no longer needed here
that there is a new purpose for them now
refusing to come to grips with the reality that their brown, old bodies are better on the ground
in their desperate hope to revive old times
cling to the past
see another green day
they miss their chance at new life
they hear not the calling of the Great Compost Bin In The Sky
they do not see past the seeming doom and gloom of death
they see death as an end
rather than a chance to begin anew
in their fear of what lies ahead
they rob themselves of the very thing they most desire
and isn't that what we all do?

silly anxiety, bad feelings are for grown ups!

i am getting better and better every day. i'm finding it easier and easier to feel happiness at any given moment just by desiring it and searching for it and holding onto it. it's so good to know that it really is that easy!

i've been using EFT to clear a lot of negative feelings, and it has done wonders! i feel like my mind is so much clearer than it has been in so long. i notice more and more often when there is an absence of thought, and when i notice a lapse in thought, i fill my mind with loving thoughts of myself and those people in my life who bring me joy. i am so thankful for this new fresh mind i am creating, because it was getting really difficult to choose my own thoughts amidst the mire of rambling nonsense that once occupied my headspace! i feel clearer and more able to focus than i ever have before.

for a minute today, i was thinking about bonnaroo. you see, there is a contest i am going to win, and the 5 winners of this contest will receive a $10,000 grant to go on an international reporting mission with the Pulitzer Center. this is awesome! and i'm so excited that this opportunity came to me (via facebook!). but i started worrying that if i go on this trip, it could very well be at the same time as bonnaroo. and i really want to go to bonnaroo this year! the flaming lips are opening! you have no idea how significant this is to me! about a week before i found this out, i was thinking to myself "wouldn't it be wonderful if the flaming lips came to bonnaroo this year?" and i got that tingly-all-over feeling that i get when i connect really hard with the universe. and the next day i found out they are going to be in a nearby town in the spring, and that a friend of mine from Fest 8 will be going! the universe lined up two shows by my favorite band over the span of less than a month! how awesome! but still i worry that there could be a chance that bonnaroo would conflict with the international trip. and it was causing me a bit of negative emotion to think about this. and then i remembered that negative emotion is only experienced when your thoughts are not in alignment with Source. and so i must look at these things with a new perspective. a grander, more trusting and knowing perspective.

i trust that the universe has brought me exactly what i have asked for, and that i am getting everything i desire. i trust that the universe is not taunting and teasing in nature, and that i would not have these desires if it were not within the capabilities of the universe to make them happen for me. i need not worry that perhaps the universe has made a mistake, and that i would have to choose between two equally desired outcomes. i trust that the universe has brought these opportunities to me for a reason, and that they are lined up in perfect sequence so that i may go to bonnaroo AND see the world with the pulitzer center. and how wonderful it will be when i get to experience these wonderful things that i have asked for and that Source has provided! how wonderful it is to know that the universe is taking care of my desires in such unique and beautiful ways, and that it is doing its best to surprise me in how things happen! isn't it wonderful that i know where i want to go, and that i can take such easy steps to get there! just choose thoughts that feel better and better and better! just keep floating downstream and allow the goodness to flow towards me! i am so thankful that it really is this easy! i am so thankful for all the exciting adventures on which i am embarking every day!

i love my life! it is so full of wonder and excitement! my life is so rich with amazing opportunities for creation and adventure! i love exploring this planet and finding new desires and passions within me! i love meeting like-minded people and seeing how they expand the universe in such unique and beautiful ways through the experience of life! i adore myself and my lust for life and all that this universe has to offer! i am hungry for it! give me more, universe! i desire more and more and more! it is so good! keep giving it to me! YESSSS!

hahaha, sex with the universe=PURE CREATION AT ITS BEST.

loving all of you!

Thursday, February 18, 2010


i see stubborn old leaves clinging to snow-covered branches outside my window.
their organic tethers binding them to the sleeping god that birthed them
used them to feed itself
refuses to let them be free
sometimes i wonder
if i am the leaf
or the tree.

hibernation in a hyper nation
restlessly wishing for action
anticipating spring
when i can burst forth into new life
emerging from my confining seed
blooming out in the wake of incubation

eventually succumbing to the long-needed rest
no longer fighting the dormancy
no longer fearing the waste of frozen sunlight
loving the sweet nothingness of slumber.

थे क़ुइक्क ब्रोव्न फोक्स जुम्प्स ओवर थे लज्य दोग

for some reason, my title decided to be in... hindi? it would be really cool to learn sanskrit.

if you have never heard of EFT, or if you have heard of it and haven't tried it, you should go try it right now. it's amazing, and just a few days of consistent tapping sessions has dramatically improved my mind. i find it so easy to clear away negative thoughts that try to peek in and settle down and make camp in my head, jabbering away at me with their incessant nonsense.

EFT (emotional freedom technique) is a system which uses tapping on certain points on the meridians (lines along which energy flows through the body, as established by acupuncture and ancient chinese medicine) combined with affirmations to reprogram the subconscious mind.

your subconscious mind consists of something like 90% of your brain activity, and it controls your bodily functions, your habits, and most of the thought patterns that you experience throughout the day. your subconscious is programmed during your early childhood. anything you pick up from the environment around you (ie your parents/authority figures/etc) is taken in and rooted into your brain's wiring. so if you have any kind of fear, like a fear of disapproval or of failure or anything else, it is likely that it was programmed into you by those around you when you were very little. fortunately, the brain is very plastic (maleable), and you can re-write your programming! and EFT is definitely the best method i've tried. other things like hypnosis are good too, but it's kinda hard to hypnotize yourself. once you learn the basics of EFT, you don't need to go to a professional. and it's free to learn.

i'm going to start making my own EFT sequences for specific blocks/fears/discomforts that i know i have:

-sex/discomfort with intimacy
-back/shoulder pain
-public speaking
-social interaction
-money (there are lots of videos on youtube that are about this!)
-creativity/creative inspiration
-sleep (too much, at the wrong time of day!)

yeah those are just a few. you can literally tap on ANYTHING. in the video i will show you, a man tapped away his multiple schlerosis!

loving all of you!

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

magical number 40!

it's my 40th post: perfect for the epicness of what i'm about to write.

i know what i want to do with my life. i know how to put it into words. before, it was vague. too vague for me to set as a specific goal. but now i know.

i want my whole life to be my art project. and my art is what will be the rift. all who regard it will be changed forever, and will not be able to go back to the way they once were. and none will escape its effects.

i want to create such powerfully crafted works that the very earth will forever be changed for the better. i want my work to be so controversial that it cannot be ignored.

i want my work to be the last straw that breaks the camel's back. the camel being this lifestyle of pain and suffering and destruction. this division between brethren. this mindset of lack and godly forgetfulness.

i want to do big things. enormous things.

i am starting my career today. now that i know where i'm heading, i'm ready to go.

just thought i'd let y'all know that :)


Monday, February 15, 2010

be magnificent!

i am claiming my magnificence and glory, here and now, and forever more. i am a powerful and creative godbeing and i love myself. i am the best me that ever walked the face of this earth. i have expanded the universe in unique and beautiful ways, and for this i deserve everything i have ever desired. i deserve wealth. i deserve beautiful experience. i deserve love from all directions, in every form i could ever ask for.

it is important that i claim these things, each and every day. you should do the same. claim your worth.

i really don't know what to write about. i feel like this has been a time of absorbing and learning for me, rather than spouting truth. you'll have to forgive me in this time of transformation. on the surface my life appears to be stagnant... but it's really a necessary period of rest and re-programming, in preparation for the upcoming adventures of the spring and summer. i'm excited for these adventures to come! and sometimes i wish they would hurry up and get here... but i am coming to realize more and more every day the value of this period of time. i am living for free right now. i have a room of my own and a SUPER comfortable bed, which i don't have to pay for. i have access to food all day every day, which i don't have to pay for. i have luxuries that many people in this world will never have the fortune to experience. and it's winter, so nothing is going on anyway! therefore, i get to hibernate and really use this time to rest my body and my mind and my heart and my soul. i have zero responsibilities, no obligations to anyone but myself and my vibration. i'm so lucky to have this vacation! i fought it tooth and nail, complaining of boredom and restlessness... worrying about not having money or a job. how silly of me! there's nothing to complain about! i am in an ideal situation right now for what needs to be experienced in my life. i needed to settle down for a minute, get my bearings, screw my head on straight, develop constructive habits (like meditating, and talking to myself HAHA!). i needed to hunker down and sleep off the whirlwind that has been my life for so long.

wow. after typing that, i realize how very true it is. i haven't had a period of rest in my life in a very long time. not since i was a kid. ever since high school it's been homework homework homework, follow rules, listen to other people's orders, be here on time, wake up at this time, go here at that time, do this because i told you to, do that because otherwise you'll fail. i'm really glad i can just sit, and be, and feel. i have absolutely nothing that i have to do. it took a minute to get used to that, but i'm really liking it! and when spring is here it will feel so good to thaw out and ease back into life with new vigor and excitement!

i love typing, because things really flow out of me that wouldn't flow if i was writing by hand. i can type much faster than i can write. funny enough, when i first had to learn how to type in school i hated it and i thought i would never learn. then i got instant messenger, and i learned so quickly! i never really did click with conventional school. it was all so ridiculous. in the beginning it was way too easy and i aced everything and didn't learn. then i got to high school and we actually had to do work, and i wasn't used to it. and i knew everything, and was smarter than most kids in grades above me. but i didn't like to do homework. and if i didn't understand the way something was taught, i just tuned it out and didn't get it. like math. math is awesome, and i understand it really well if it is taught to me in a way that i can understand. such is the way with a lot of things. like typing. now i'm really good at typing, better than my parents. i almost never have type-o's.

i'm so great! i'm so great! lol.

no for real, i'm pretty great. thank goodness for that.

ok, now i'm just getting goofy. it's 5:07am and i'm only awake because i woke up from a nightmare at 2. there was a dead boar on the street in front of the bus i had just gotten off. i went across the street, and suddenly the boar was coming after me. when i woke up, the last thought in my mind was "i was becoming the boar."

i don't quite know what it means.

anyway, hope all y'all had a happy valentine's day. or as my good friend says, happy "singles awareness day."



Wednesday, February 10, 2010

without me, Source could not express in the exact way that i am expressing, so i am just as important as Source that is non physical.
and others' good qualities are Source, (which is Me) reflecting myself back to me. telling me how great i really am.
there is nothing in my outer reality which does not reflect a vibration in my inner reality.
i am important in the equation, and i am the only person who should be focused on by me... that is, i am the only one i can control, and therefore monitoring my vibration is more important than regarding the vibration of others(good or bad)

finding the balance

so my latest lesson is in finding the balance between selfishness and selflessness.

it is important to be selfish in this way: every single human being has access to all of the wealth and opportunity and excitement that Source has to offer. nobody needs to give up their fortune in order for others to be able to have some. the universe is so abundant that everyone can have HUGE amounts of prosperity and joy. therefore, being excited and thankful for one's wealth, and selfishly maintaining a vibration which matches that of wealth, is important!

but if you expect the universe to bless you with your "veritable fortune" as Abraham-Hicks says, then you need to offer a vibration of givingness rather than takingness.

there's a difference between receiving the gifts of the universe, and trying to take from the universe. it's a subtle difference, but it's quite clear. and i think what i've been doing a lot is taking. i can feel the vibration of manipulation within me. i can recognize when i'm making a point to let the people around me know that i hope to receive something. i don't think this is how it's supposed to work! i'm pretty sure that when the universe gives, it gives freely and not because i have to try and get it out of my friends or relatives.

i realized this after receiving the second scam in two weeks. i got a letter saying i had won $250,000, and a check for $4900+ which was meant to pay for taxes. i took it to the bank and asked if it was for real, and they told me it was not. but i'd been so excited! for a second i glimpsed the potential of having a fortune which i could tap into at any time, which would allow me to do EVERYTHING i've been wanting to do.

i'm still trusting that the universe is gonna pull through and surprise me with something grand. everything always works out like that. it's the rushing and the impatience that blocks things up. manifestations take time. so i'm quite sure that by the time bonnaroo rolls around (have you seen the lineup??? it's AWESOME!), the money i've been wishing for will have manifested. i'm so thankful for the universe and it's cleverness. i'm probably going to make madd bank in some crazy way that i can't even imagine. i'm stoked to find out what that will be!

so i was looking on craigslist at nanny jobs. one post wasn't even offering monetary compensation, just a room. i realized that i'm living at my parents' house for free, and i might as well be making an effort to clean up around the place. if i was working or staying at someone else's house, i would feel compelled to clean up just because. and i like cleaning. i don't know what it is about being at my house that makes me forget how much i love cleaning other people's houses. why not pretend i'm at someone else's place and just clean? or just pretend that i'm at my own house and it is my responsibility to clean my own place. that way, i'm offering a vibration of "being-at-my-own-place-ness," which (according to the law of attraction, which is always in place) HAS to be matched by a situation in which i am actually at my own place.

i love the way things work in this universe. and i'm so excited to be learning how to master myself and use the Laws to my advantage.

if you haven't checked out Abraham-Hicks, pleez do so! there's a post below that has a clip in it :)


PS. i'm really proud of myself for having figured out this lesson! i think i've been manipulating people for most of my life! it's awesome that i've just recognized that within myself and now understand how to take action to change that for the better! YES!

Sunday, February 7, 2010

a brief update?

life is awesome.

the day before yesterday, i set my intention for yesterday to contain serendipitous encounters. well, it sure did!

i went to see a show at a bar downtown, and i ended up meeting two people whom i had met this summer and haven't seen since. both of these guys are aquarius. and they happen to be best friends with each other! one guy i met in the lot after a phish show. the other guy i met in a bar in my town. how weird, right? i love it! the universe always sneaks up on me, even when my requests are answered. i ask for something, and the universe comes up with the most surprising way of giving it to me!

so today is superbowl sunday, and i'm going to my first ever superbowl party! yay! i'm a gwown up now!

i don't pay much attention to sports. at least, not watching them. how boring, to watch sports being played on television rather than to just do them yourself. but that's just me. i like running around and playing, and if i'm sitting down to watch a box of light, i'd like to learn something from it rather than just numb my mind.

i love my life and all the people in it! i know so many people! i've passed through so many tribes of kids so far in my incarnation. i'm excited to create my own tribe.

tonight is gonna be fun! i'm gonna meet and interact with lots of awesome people and it feels soooooo goooooood!