Monday, November 30, 2009

my disclaimer

i need to be honest and up front with myself and everyone who reads this.

i am learning, just like all of you. i write in this blog so that i may try to sort out my thoughts, or at least put them somewhere other than in my mind. it becomes overwhelming to constantly have these things chattering at me. so this blog is very much like my journal. but i choose to allow you all to read it because i feel that by opening myself and my experience to you, and showing you all aspects of me, unfiltered, perhaps you all may find some insight into your own personal situations. i do not claim to know everything for all of you. you must make the judgement whether what i say holds true for you or not. not everything i write is necessarily with the intention of teaching or making myself look good. i am just trying to figure things out, just like everyone else.

therefore, please take everything i say, and consider whether or not it is true for you. please understand that i am merely expressing thoughts. not every thought is a true thought. indeed, many of my thoughts are dark and shrouded by ego. sometimes i have to express those before i can recognize them as untrue. try to take what i say from an objective standpoint, and don't become hurt by my expression. if i write something that you disagree with or that you find hurtful, please tell me and i will try to amend it in my next post. as in my "real" life, my truth is constantly growing and evolving. you can observe this evolution of personal truth in the blog posts. i will not remove anything i have previously written. i will only clarify or make amendments or give light to something i have learned since in the next post.

thank you all for taking the time to peek into my experience. i know i sometimes may seem cold, or harsh in the way i regard others. please know that i am constantly making strides to change those parts of me which no longer serve me and those around me.

i love all of you. thanks for your patience and love and understanding :)

"sometimes you just have to force yourself not to respond, especially if responding is going to be hurtful"

my mom just said that to me.

i feel so lost. i don't know what i'm doing wrong. why is it that whenever i make a choice, or say something out of a place that i think is love, someone get's pissed off at me, or misunderstands my intentions, or just plain gets hurt?

god, please tell me what i can do to change my behavior so that i don't continue to step on everyone around me while trying to make decisions.

well the best way to stop stepping on everyone is to stand still and pay attention to where they are in relation to you.

what does that mean? how do i do that in reality?

just breathe. look at your friends, and imagine yourself where they are. why would your friend feel slighted by your actions?

because maybe she thinks i'm ungrateful for all the love that she and her family gave me over the weekend.

and why would she feel that way?

because i wrote about it in a blog post and told everyone to read it...

perhaps not everyone wants your lessons to be publicly viewed?

what should i do? i can't erase my actions, and i don't want to erase anything i've said. i still find truth in them...

maybe you could simply make amends by clarifying what you have written, by pointing out that you ARE in fact grateful, beyond words. words are the least effective purveyor of truth. they become misconstrued and are interpreted via each person's individual filtor: their mind, and their experience. your words, though they ring true for you and your experience, may not hold the same truth for your best friend and your partner. they may not see the angle you are viewing things from. they may think you are acting and speaking without love for them and their realities. although this is certainly not true for you (if you had no compassion for the ones you loved, you would not be feeling the sting of your actions on them), they aren't so sure. reassure them that you are not trying to hurt them. you are a human being with human experiences, all of which are perfect and beautiful in their own way. you are not doing anything "wrong." you are experiencing, and that is what you should be doing. you are remembering that you are part of a whole, and simply the fact that you understand that you may have hurt them by what you have written here proves that you are earnest in your learning experience. it shows that you care to make "right" what you may have done "wrong" by them. in this, you are also learning to make right what you have done wrong by your Self.

what have i been doing wrong by my Self?

remember, you are never doing anything "wrong." there is no such thing as "right" or "wrong."

yes, i know, i've been reading that in Conversations with God.

i know you have, and i'm just reminding you of that.

thanks, but now what can i change? what have i been ignoring, or missing?

you have been ignoring the fact that EVERYONE is JUST AS MUCH OF A DIVINE BEING AS YOU ARE. whether you are talking to a "jock" who doesn't seem to understand you on any level, or whether you are talking to Jesus the Christ himself. there is no better or worse in the eyes of God. there is nothing more or less divine in the universe. everyone is playing on their own level, by their own rules, and with their own spectrum of understanding. just because you have a broader range of understanding than some people your age does not make your choices or your reality any more important than their's. you are beautiful and magnificent and perfect, and so is everyone else. judge not lest ye be judged. you have been judging the love that the people around you have been trying to show you. you have labeled it as not good enough for someone of your caliber. yet i tell you this, all love is love, and every bit of love is just as important as the next. the same goes with money, oxygen, fire, or any other form of energy. when you can learn to count the pennies of love as equally important as the million-dollar check of love, then you will truly understand the value in those around you. they are all doing their best. they are all giving you love from their place of highest understanding. they are all trying to tell you their point of view. do not label it as "not truth" just because you see things differently. everyone's truth is truth, because everyone is creating their own reality. nobody does anything they think is wrong, in relationship to their worldview and their frame of mind. everyone is doing their best. just love them for it, and accept every penny of love they are trying to give to you. pennies add up, you know. this whole analogy is what you have been missing in your search for actual money as well.

is this all coming from me? i never really thought about any of this in that way... thank you for the insight, whoever gave that to me.

you know who gave it to you. you gave it to yourself, and I gave it to you, and so did everyone around you. you know the truth. you are the truth. be love, be the truth, and just relax. you have everything you've ever desired. stop questioning the motives of god. you know that you have and are everything you choose to have and be. choose love. choose prosperity. choose health. you are already all of these things. you have no need to fear!

just relax. you're okay, and so is everyone and everything else. you haven't lost anything, you haven't done irreparable damage, you haven't "fucked everything up." you're just in the process of becoming more aware. pain is simply the body, mind, or soul bringing attention to something that needs to be addressed. if you bump into a table in the middle of the night because the lights were off, the pain you feel in your hip is your body bringing attention to the fact that there is an object there, to your left, and that you should make more of an effort to feel out your environmet before you go further. that is what is happening here with you socially. you keep bumping into things, wondering why everything keeps hurting you and everyone else. you haven't taken the time to stand still, feel out your environment, and decide the best and most pain-free route of action. now is that time for you. just hold still for a bit. everything is working, don't worry. the universe and all of its good does not stop making progress if you take a break to catch your breath. everything is moving forward, whether you are standing still or not.

thank you god. you're right about everything. my mom has been trying to tell me this for weeks now and i didn't want to listen to her.

thank you to everyone who has been so patient with me while i had my eyes closed.


Saturday, November 28, 2009

comfortably uncomfortable

you know the feeling, when you're almost asleep, and your bed is so warm and cozy, and you feel like you are just drifting on a cloud.... but then you realize you REALLY have to pee? the pain in your bladder is almost unbearable, but you don't want to leave the beautiful comfort of your bed. if you let it go long enough, you'll either violently escape your bed to run to the bathroom, or you just hope the pain goes away until you end up wetting the bed.

it seems like a lose-lose situation. either lose the comfort of your bed and gain the comfort of an empty bladder, or keep the comfort of your bed only to lose that comfort as soon as it becomes soaked with your urine.

this is a strange analogy, i know, but i realized it's what had become of my first and only boyfriend-girlfriend relationship.

we loved eachother so much. but there were differences that made things a little difficult. i ended up violently escaping my bed so as to relieve some of the pain i was feeling (ironically enough, i actually was having bladder problems, which have been subsequently solved). but in doing so, i risked not being able to find the same comfort that i had found with my boyfriend. in fact, both of us have realized that it wasn't comfortable for either of us as much as it should have been.

i feel like a lot of people have become comfortably uncomfortable with their lives. they have a job they don't like, but it supplies them with the money they need to have the things they want. they have a spouse who doesn't satisfy their needs and desires, but it is the only person they have found who is willing to be with them. there are numerous other situations which make us uncomfortable, but we are comfortable enough that we ignore the discomfort.

by acknowledging any discomfort, whether emotional, physical, or spiritual, and trying to figure out where the discomfort is coming from, it is easier to gently get out of bed at the first sight of pain, release what needs to be released, and trust that the bed will be more comfortable once you take care of yourself.

we always forget to take care of ourselves. we're constantly surrounded by people or things that seem to need our attention. mothers forget about their health in lieu of a new baby. an engineer doesn't get enough sleep or healthy food because he is busy on a new project. a student drinks coffee and smokes cigarettes to stay awake so she can cram for a test the next day. these are things all of us do, in some way or another. but in paying attention to things outside of ourselves, we forget to take care of what's inside of our Selves.

my ex-boyfriend once told me, while i was in california, missing him terribly, that "pain is fear leaving the body." if pain did not express itself (whether physically or emotionally), it would stay inside, as fear. fear colors our worldview and brings more pain upon ourselves. it's a good thing to express the pain and fear that we feel. i have been surrounded by loving beautiful people who have been trying to help me get through the pain of this recent breakup (which i've never experienced, by the way. i've only had one boyfriend in my life). i am so thankful for their loving patience. but they have been trying to tell me to stop crying, to stop being upset, to stop feeling this pain. all i want, though, is to feel the pain, express it, and release it. i cannot release that which i push back down into the deepest corners of my mind. all of it needs to get out of me. no one would ever tell another person, "oh, you have to go to the bathroom? well, that's not good for you, just ignore the pain, it'll go away." no one would ever tell someone who was sick to their stomach and throwing up "swallow that back down, you don't need to throw up, throwing up sucks." the thought is absurd. if you need to get something out, get it out! it's doing no good to you when it's trapped inside!

pain not expressed is worse than pain felt and then buried.


Friday, November 20, 2009

you are more important than anyone in your universe

the best way to find your soul mate is to FIND YOUR SOUL.

stop looking for anything or anyone OUTSIDE of YOURSELF. your one true love should first be loving your SELF. this goes against everything you've ever learned previous, but stop putting others before yourself. if you can't be happy and loving in your own right, there is no way you can give anyone else the love and happiness they deserve.

if everything in your reality is created by you (and it is, as quantum physics and other sciences are proving every day now), then if you are unhappy or unfulfilled or unsatisfied, so too will be the people around you. that's not to say that you must make yourself feel good at the expense of others. however, when you are happy, you can give happiness to others. when you love yourself as you are right now, then everyone else will sense it and will love you back. this makes it much easier to love everyone else in return! i know this from experience! it's impossible to receive the gift of love if you cannot give it to yourself. you can say this about any feeling: freedom, peace, happiness... even the negative ones; sadness, hatred, fear, etc. the golden rule is not something you can either follow or not. it's more like the Golden Law, which applies much like the Law of Gravity. it is constant and consistent. it is IMPOSSIBLE to treat anyone like anything OTHER than yourself. therefore, put yourself first, treat yourself with love and respect, and it will make it much easier to give others the love and respect you hope for them to feel.

like bob marley says "when you worry your face will frown, and that will bring everybody down! don't worry, be happy!

Monday, November 16, 2009

what a relief!

it's relieving to be honest with people and not allow resentment to build up. it's so important to be able to be completely, 100% honest with the ones you love. if words must constantly be minced, it creates a burden on the one mincing. because the words that are being expressed are not the ones that are floating around in the mind, constantly nagging you and telling you things you don't want to hear. it also creates stress for the person receiving minced information. on a gut level, we know when there is something that is not being said, which creates questions that we don't dare to ask. when negative thoughts and feelings are expressed in words openly and honestly between people (the goal being to resolve those feelings and turn negative to positive, not put the other person down), opportunity for growth is presented. but when those thoughts and feelings are allowed to fester within the mind, they become more and more intense, further poisoning the body and spirit. this can be very overwhelming if allowed to perpetuate, and we all know what stress does to the body.

we must all consciously practice releasing toxicity, in every area of life. let's say, for example, that someone became sick (like i did several days ago). the initial discomfort of nausea is something that this person has little trouble enduring for a while. maybe it will pass, they say. however, the discomfort does not go away, and the nausea becomes worse and worse. when this person finally has to vomit, the last thing going through his or her mind is "oh no, all of that nutrition is being lost! what if i never get it back?" it's silly, isn't it? why would anyone ever think something like that about vomit? if it needs to get out, get it out!

but for some reason, that's not how we feel about other things that are toxic to us: relationships, possessions, thoughts, emotions, etc. isn't this the excuse so many people give when they are in a toxic relationship? "they're all i have. if i leave him/her, i'll have no one left. i'll be all alone." so the relationship perpetuates, becomes more and more unhealthy, not only to the people in it, but to the people observing it.

when we can freely release those aspects of ourself and of our lives that no longer serve us, without allowing them to fester and become unhealthy, that is when we can truly be free and ALIVE!

imagine the digestive system. as i wrote in a previous post, the digestive system is a marvel of the human body. delicious, fresh food (let's say an avocado, my favorite!) is put into the mouth, and mashed up by the teeth and tongue. not only is it mashed up, but enzymes are added to it in the saliva to break it down before it even reaches the stomach. and i'm not even going to talk about the phenomenon of taste! after being chewed up, the esophagus automatically grabs it and pulls it down to the stomach, where acid breaks the food down into amino acids and molecules that nourish the body and allow for cell growth and reproduction. in the intestines, those nutrients are absorbed, along with any water. all that can be used is used, and the rest is released.

compare this system to your life. things like possessions, papers, etc, are amassed. at first all is hunky-dory, and these things seem wonderful. but then we start to attach ourselves to these things, until one day we are in our garage (or bedroom, or attic, or basement, or locker, or anywhere where we put our STUFF) and we can't believe how much crap we have! but we rationalize, as we're cleaning, that "oh, well i could use that," or "this might come in handy one day when i get time to do this project." you know you've said that to yourself, because i know i have. but that day never comes when you have enough time or enough ROOM to do whatever project you were thinking you might one day do. it's constipation! it's you trying to hold on to things that are no longer nourishing your life.

when we eat food, it passes through our system, the nutrients are taken and used, and the waste is released back to the earth. if we were to re-consume this waste, it would poison us. but that is what the bottom feeders are for: the earthworms and bacteria and other bugs that DO find nutrition in that which we consider poison. they are MADE to consume that which we cannot. and in their consumption of it, they create soil which nourishes the plants, which nourish us. that which we have released has now returned to us in a purified and consumable form.

likewise, with any relationship, possession, thought, or feeling; when we release that which no longer nourishes our spirit and body, we can rest assured that the universe will purify it for us, make it new again, and bring us a better and healthier form of whatever was released.

so, in summary: don't mince words, just tenderize them. and stop eating your own shit.


Sunday, November 15, 2009

i found this video today. he elaborates on what i wrote about in my "Ego and God" post a few days ago. "ego is a really clever salesman"

Saturday, November 14, 2009

the candle without its flame

a candle without a flame is just that.
no light can emit 
unless the wick is lit
likewise, a flame without a candle
doesn't last very long
but when brought together
the combination can bring light 
to the darkest of rooms

without you
i'm just another piece of string
covered in wax
cold and dark on its own
and where would you go
to alight your heat
and passion burning
bright as lightning
but so quick
as to liken you to a spark
without a ground to stand on
without the steady fuel 
of an infinite string
glistening with wax

Friday, November 13, 2009


last night i got food poisoning.  i was up all night throwing up.  it got to the point where i was so miserably thirsty, but whenever i drank any water, i just threw it up again, making me feel thirstier.  now, i'm just achy everywhere.  i've been "sleeping" all day, but it's one of those sleeps where  you feel like you're more awake than asleep because your dreams are obnoxiously loud.  

being sick is not always a bad thing.  even though i felt miserable, i still had to remind myself to be thankful that my body is so healthy and intelligent that it can discern what is good for it and what is poisonous.  my body is so smart that it refuses to try and digest toxicity, which would thereby fill every cell in my body with toxicity.  

vomiting and diarrhea are probably the body's most interesting abilities.  as soon as the gut detects poison, all efforts are directed at evacuating the digestive system.  undigested food in the intestines speeds along, faster than usual, to be expelled as quickly as possible (albeit unpleasantly).  the body wastes no time in separating water from the waste.  to do that would be to risk further poisoning the body.  the stomach decides that nothing may enter until everything that may be toxic is evacuated, including water.  

our gut is one intelligent part of the puzzle.  science experiments have shown that the gut has its own nervous system that makes decisions independent of the brain.  in an experiment i saw on the Science Channel, scientists took a piece of rat intestine, suspended it in a life-preserving liquid, and put a plastic pellet up to one end.  the intestine sucked up the pellet and moved it along, "digesting" it until it popped out the other end.  this piece of intestine was not attached to any living animal, and therefore was not controlled by the brain.  what does this say about the body? that there is more going on than we fully understand.

on the cellular level, each cell carries the same properties as the body, only on a small scale.  respiratory, digestive, excretory, and reproductive systems are found in each cell.  Bruce Lipton, a cellular biologist, applies fractal theory to the human body.  fractal theory, if you are unfamiliar with the term, is described in the phrase "as above, so below."  in other words, that which is on the large scale is mimicked by the small scale.  the universe is fractal in nature.  imagine, for example, the planet earth.  zoom out and you see the solar system:  a star (an energy body) with planets (smaller energy bodies) orbiting it.  look out from the solar system and you see more stars, many of which also have solar systems.  now zoom out and you have the milky way galaxy:  a center of energy with energy orbiting it.  look out from there, and you see what appear to be more stars, but which are really more galaxies.  now zoom out from that and you have the universe.  can you zoom out further?  

now let's go back to the earth.  zoom in this time, and you have a human.  actually, billions of humans.  zoom into one human, and we see the organs and systems that make up the physical human body.  zoom into any one cell that makes up one of those organs, and you see that each cell ALSO has organs and systems, only on a very miniscule scale.  now zoom in and you see the atoms that make up each cell.  billions of them.  and what does an atom look like?

a center of energy, with smaller bits of energy orbiting it.  

can you zoom in further?

if the universe is fractal (ie REPETITIVE) in nature, and the human cell is simply a microcosm of the human body, then what is the human body a microcosm of?  we are each individual cell bodies in the larger cell body of the earth.  the earth is one very large organism that lives and breathes just like every little organism found on its surface.

if this is so, then it can be said that disease within the human body is likened to war, famine, and pollution in the larger scale of humanity.  

when my body detects something toxic within it, all efforts are directed at purging, evacuating the poison so as to continue the survival of the organism.  looking at the earth as an organism, it is no wonder that so many more storms, earthquakes, tsunamis, and other natural "disasters" have been occurring lately.  we have been poisoning our planet and she is throwing up all over the place, trying to save herself from the toxicity.  we must work quickly to come together and heal ourselves and the planet.  it's easy to do.

we just all have to agree to do it.

when every single little cell does its part, the whole organism is allowed to flourish.  each cell only carries enough food and oxygen to survive for 2 seconds at a time.  this is because all of the cells are working in harmony, sharing with and healing each other.  there is no separation.  a cell that is separate is an amoeba, and those don't live very long.  when cells in the human body decide to stop cooperating with the rest of the body, the phenomena known as "cancer" occurs.  cancer cells do not listen to the rest of the cells around it, and grow and reproduce out of control, eventually killing the organism.  sound familiar?  

not one dictator or CEO or president is enough to stop billions of people stepping up to the plate.  not one negative voice is strong enough to drown out billions of positive people crying in unison for change.  we cannot wait for one talking head to call us to action.  we must take matters into our own hands, because now it's down to the wire.  

stop falling victim to circumstance.  take the reins of your life and "be the change you wish to see in the world."  


Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Ego and God

Lucky D's Hostel
San Diego, CA

so i've made it to california.  i've only been here for a little over a week, but it feels like it's been forever.  i miss my boy.  it's strange to not have any responsibilities.  it makes it easy to veg out and not leave my room.  

being here without the help of close friends and my boyfriend is a challenge.  but it's a challenge i'm choosing, and every time i feel like i can't do it i have to remind myself that i have CHOSEN this path, and that i want to see where it leads me.  i can do it.  the universe is helping me every step of the way.  every time i run completely out of money, some more shows up, from one source or another.  

i Know that i am always in the exact right place at the right time.  even if i'm just sitting in the communal kitchen watching Frasier and looking at half a peanut butter and cocopuffs sandwich, like i am right now.  what will i make of my day today?  i heard about a Food Not Bombs several blocks from here, which i might go to and help out at.  

i've met a lot of awesome people since i've been here.  even people on the street.  there was a homeless guy i talked to the other day who told me this story:

once upon a time, there was a WIIIIIIIIDE mouthed frog, and one day he hopped up to a bird and said, "i'm a WIIIIIIIIIDE mouthed frog, and i feed my babies bugs, what do you feed your babies?" and the bird replied "why, i feed my babies worms."  "oh," said the frog, "i didn't know that,"  and he hopped along to a deer in the forest.  he said, "i'm a WIIIIIIIIIIIDE mouthed frog, and i feed my babies bugs, what do you feed your babies?"  the deer replied "why, i feed my babies leaves from the trees."  "oh, i didn't know that," said the frog, and he hopped along to an alligator in the river.  he said "i'm a WIIIIIIIIIDE mouthed frog, and i feed my babies bugs, what do you feed your babies?"  

"wide mouthed frogs!"

(puckering his lips) "oh, i didn't know that!"

i need to make sure i get outside today.  i always feel better when i'm walking around, finding things to do. 


yesterday i was hanging out in the common area at the hostel i'm at, and i was feeling frustrated at these two frat-type guys who work here and like to commandeer the common room to play wii frisbee every night, even if other people are in the middle of watching TV.  i don't watch very much TV, but it's still rather rude to barge in and demand that we turn off our program and let them play the same game they play every night until 6am.  so in my frustration, i turned to the book "Conversations With God," and opened it up to a random page and looked at it, and right in the middle, highlighted by the previous owner, was the sentence "Stop making judgements against yourself." 

i had to think about that for a second.  how was i making judgements against myself by feeling aggravated about a couple of jock-straps?  then i remembered that WE ARE ALL ONE, and to judge another or complain about another is to judge or complain about an aspect of oneself.  all the universe is an expression and manifestation of what is inside oneself.  therefore, every interaction is an interaction with the Self.  it was a good reminder to be love in EVERY interaction, including the ones that make me uncomfortable.  i don't have to spend time around people who do not appreciate or love me for who i am, but if i choose to be around those kinds of people, i need to focus and stay positive.  if i don't feel like i can handle that, then it is my responsibility to leave the situation.  the impact of my actions is immense.  i do not want anyone to feel harmed in any way by me, no matter how slightly.  therefore, i will choose Higher and BE LOVE, even (rather, ESPECIALLY) in the face of hatred.  

to anyone who may be reading this:  i promise you, you are loved.  the universe wants you to be happy and free.  judge not yourself by judging others.  feel no fear, you are safe and protected in everything you do.  when you trust that everything is working in your favor (even the things that may seem "bad" at the time), things tend to get much better, faster!  i love you all, infinitely and unconditionally.  i know you don't know me, but that doesn't matter, because you are reading this for a reason.  it doesn't matter if you don't connect with these words right now.  you will remember them when the time is right, and they will mean something when you need them to.  

it doesn't matter if you "believe" in "god" or not.  it took me a long time to be able to use the word "god" without the twinge of ego that came with it.  but one day at a phish show, i was tripping on acid and i started to hear some kind of demonic undertones to the music, and i asked my friends if they heard it.  they said they didn't know what i was talking about.  then i listened again and said to myself, hmmm, i must be hallucinating that.... and as soon as i thought that, it went away.  i looked for it again and it was there, and then i told myself it wasn't, and it was gone again.  then i started wondering if i was schizophrenic.  i started wondering how much of what i was seeing was of my mind's creation.  and then a voice in my head said "you're creating all of it."  and i thought to myself "does that mean i'm god?" and the voice in my head said "yes, i am god.  i've been here the whole time, remember?" and then i realized i had remembered that i was god a couple weeks before while i was tripping on shrooms.  i wondered to myself "but what keeps making me forget this?" and god said "ego.  ego is what always makes you forget."  and i asked "but what does ego look like?" and god said "ego is everything that says you aren't god.  every person that says 'you can't do that.' every image and thought and word that says 'i'm better/worse than this person' "  and i kept thinking about that for the rest of the phish tour.  i realized a lot about god during that weekend.  and ego has made me forget since then!  it's a constant conscious battle to separate my egoic mind from my god-state that is pure observant bliss.  god is the observer.  the watcher.  god watches and loves its creation.  ego tries to control the creation, curtail the creation.  god knows though, that creation will always continue, and that there is no need for control.  ego is the mirror of god.  the exact opposite.  ego tells the truth in the exact opposite way that god tells the truth.  ego says "you're not god.  you can't be god, what makes you think you're so much better than me?"  but ego gets lost in the language and forgets its place.  YOU IS EGO, I IS GOD.  therefore, when ego says "you aren't god" it is telling the truth, but it's confusing.  to this, god can reply "yes ego, you're right.  YOU ISN'T GOD, YOU IS EGO.  I IS GOD."  

ego is every single thought, feeling, emotion, word, image, or anything else that tells you "you are not god."  once you recognize what ego looks like, it is easy to say "thank you ego, for being my mirror and showing me Who I Am by showing me who i am NOT.  i am NOT ego, and i choose to act as god.  god is love.  i am love.  UNCONDITIONAL love.  ego puts conditions on love, because ego doesn't know what real love feels like.  ego only knows what fear feels like.  a condition on love is fear that love will be lost, and protecting oneself from being hurt by "lost love."

know that no love can be lost, because love is universal and infinite.  love yourself purely and completely, and others will notice and follow suit!  when i decided to love myself and know myself as beautiful, strangers on the street began telling me how beautiful i am!  this never happened before, because i didn't think i was beautiful.  i didn't think i was worthy of love from anyone else, even though i desired so much to be loved by others.  but what i didn't realize was that "what you seek you already are."  do not seek love, money, wealth, beauty.  BE IT.  CHOOSE IT AND BE IT.