San Diego, CA
so i've made it to california. i've only been here for a little over a week, but it feels like it's been forever. i miss my boy. it's strange to not have any responsibilities. it makes it easy to veg out and not leave my room.
being here without the help of close friends and my boyfriend is a challenge. but it's a challenge i'm choosing, and every time i feel like i can't do it i have to remind myself that i have CHOSEN this path, and that i want to see where it leads me. i can do it. the universe is helping me every step of the way. every time i run completely out of money, some more shows up, from one source or another.
i Know that i am always in the exact right place at the right time. even if i'm just sitting in the communal kitchen watching Frasier and looking at half a peanut butter and cocopuffs sandwich, like i am right now. what will i make of my day today? i heard about a Food Not Bombs several blocks from here, which i might go to and help out at.
i've met a lot of awesome people since i've been here. even people on the street. there was a homeless guy i talked to the other day who told me this story:
once upon a time, there was a WIIIIIIIIDE mouthed frog, and one day he hopped up to a bird and said, "i'm a WIIIIIIIIIDE mouthed frog, and i feed my babies bugs, what do you feed your babies?" and the bird replied "why, i feed my babies worms." "oh," said the frog, "i didn't know that," and he hopped along to a deer in the forest. he said, "i'm a WIIIIIIIIIIIDE mouthed frog, and i feed my babies bugs, what do you feed your babies?" the deer replied "why, i feed my babies leaves from the trees." "oh, i didn't know that," said the frog, and he hopped along to an alligator in the river. he said "i'm a WIIIIIIIIIDE mouthed frog, and i feed my babies bugs, what do you feed your babies?"
"wide mouthed frogs!"
(puckering his lips) "oh, i didn't know that!"
i need to make sure i get outside today. i always feel better when i'm walking around, finding things to do.
BAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA i love Frasier.
yesterday i was hanging out in the common area at the hostel i'm at, and i was feeling frustrated at these two frat-type guys who work here and like to commandeer the common room to play wii frisbee every night, even if other people are in the middle of watching TV. i don't watch very much TV, but it's still rather rude to barge in and demand that we turn off our program and let them play the same game they play every night until 6am. so in my frustration, i turned to the book "Conversations With God," and opened it up to a random page and looked at it, and right in the middle, highlighted by the previous owner, was the sentence "Stop making judgements against yourself."
i had to think about that for a second. how was i making judgements against myself by feeling aggravated about a couple of jock-straps? then i remembered that WE ARE ALL ONE, and to judge another or complain about another is to judge or complain about an aspect of oneself. all the universe is an expression and manifestation of what is inside oneself. therefore, every interaction is an interaction with the Self. it was a good reminder to be love in EVERY interaction, including the ones that make me uncomfortable. i don't have to spend time around people who do not appreciate or love me for who i am, but if i choose to be around those kinds of people, i need to focus and stay positive. if i don't feel like i can handle that, then it is my responsibility to leave the situation. the impact of my actions is immense. i do not want anyone to feel harmed in any way by me, no matter how slightly. therefore, i will choose Higher and BE LOVE, even (rather, ESPECIALLY) in the face of hatred.
to anyone who may be reading this: i promise you, you are loved. the universe wants you to be happy and free. judge not yourself by judging others. feel no fear, you are safe and protected in everything you do. when you trust that everything is working in your favor (even the things that may seem "bad" at the time), things tend to get much better, faster! i love you all, infinitely and unconditionally. i know you don't know me, but that doesn't matter, because you are reading this for a reason. it doesn't matter if you don't connect with these words right now. you will remember them when the time is right, and they will mean something when you need them to.
it doesn't matter if you "believe" in "god" or not. it took me a long time to be able to use the word "god" without the twinge of ego that came with it. but one day at a phish show, i was tripping on acid and i started to hear some kind of demonic undertones to the music, and i asked my friends if they heard it. they said they didn't know what i was talking about. then i listened again and said to myself, hmmm, i must be hallucinating that.... and as soon as i thought that, it went away. i looked for it again and it was there, and then i told myself it wasn't, and it was gone again. then i started wondering if i was schizophrenic. i started wondering how much of what i was seeing was of my mind's creation. and then a voice in my head said "you're creating all of it." and i thought to myself "does that mean i'm god?" and the voice in my head said "yes, i am god. i've been here the whole time, remember?" and then i realized i had remembered that i was god a couple weeks before while i was tripping on shrooms. i wondered to myself "but what keeps making me forget this?" and god said "ego. ego is what always makes you forget." and i asked "but what does ego look like?" and god said "ego is everything that says you aren't god. every person that says 'you can't do that.' every image and thought and word that says 'i'm better/worse than this person' " and i kept thinking about that for the rest of the phish tour. i realized a lot about god during that weekend. and ego has made me forget since then! it's a constant conscious battle to separate my egoic mind from my god-state that is pure observant bliss. god is the observer. the watcher. god watches and loves its creation. ego tries to control the creation, curtail the creation. god knows though, that creation will always continue, and that there is no need for control. ego is the mirror of god. the exact opposite. ego tells the truth in the exact opposite way that god tells the truth. ego says "you're not god. you can't be god, what makes you think you're so much better than me?" but ego gets lost in the language and forgets its place. YOU IS EGO, I IS GOD. therefore, when ego says "you aren't god" it is telling the truth, but it's confusing. to this, god can reply "yes ego, you're right. YOU ISN'T GOD, YOU IS EGO. I IS GOD."
ego is every single thought, feeling, emotion, word, image, or anything else that tells you "you are not god." once you recognize what ego looks like, it is easy to say "thank you ego, for being my mirror and showing me Who I Am by showing me who i am NOT. i am NOT ego, and i choose to act as god. god is love. i am love. UNCONDITIONAL love. ego puts conditions on love, because ego doesn't know what real love feels like. ego only knows what fear feels like. a condition on love is fear that love will be lost, and protecting oneself from being hurt by "lost love."
know that no love can be lost, because love is universal and infinite. love yourself purely and completely, and others will notice and follow suit! when i decided to love myself and know myself as beautiful, strangers on the street began telling me how beautiful i am! this never happened before, because i didn't think i was beautiful. i didn't think i was worthy of love from anyone else, even though i desired so much to be loved by others. but what i didn't realize was that "what you seek you already are." do not seek love, money, wealth, beauty. BE IT. CHOOSE IT AND BE IT.