Tuesday, September 29, 2009


i can't express enough how sorry i am for saying such terrible things to you tonight.  it's times like that when i feel like i'm watching everything happen from a dark corner in the back of my own mind.  i get lost there.  i know you know that's not the real me.  the next time i end up coming from that place, please remind me that it's not the real me, and that everything is ok.  i try to remind myself, but it's better to have someone who loves me unconditionally (because when i'm in that mindset, my self-love is not always unconditional).  i don't know why i get like that.  i'm trying my hardest to learn about myself and the way i think.  all i know is that it's a challenge i've been presented with in order to learn something.  i've always had highs and lows, and i'm so thankful for your patience and love, because i've never had that from anyone during those times in the past.  i've always had to live with the fear and guilt that my pain may cause harm to others.  i'm so thankful for you being such a strong force of love against the darkness that shows up in my mind. it's getting better, but it takes time and practice.  like i said, last year i was like that for days and days on end.  you and the lessons you've taught me have helped me make those periods few and far between.  hopefully i'll be able to rid myself of them entirely, or almost entirely.  

of course it's ALWAYS worth it for me to love you, you've brought so much love into my life.  it's horribly selfish of me to even think about gaining anything for myself from you.  i want to give you so much more than i would ever want for myself.  i wish i could give you more than you give me now.  i wish i could reciprocate all the gifts you give me.  i want to share all my love with you, but it's sometimes really hard to give love to someone virtually.  i know that's why i have to detach from you... but i still want to be sending you love, and i don't know how to do that yet without wishing i was there a little bit.  

i'm being presented with a lot of lessons that many people never have to experience, let alone before they even get down the basics.  i created these challenges, i recognize that, but i still need patience and understanding while i'm trying to figure them out.  there is no way i can fail to learn.  

you're not the only person i've lashed out at in the past couple days.  i snapped at my friend for questioning me so much about my trip to cali.  i really need to get out of here and do something.  my back hurts and i'm tired and bored all day. sometimes i feel like i can't enjoy anything without someone there to enjoy things with me.  i go to the woods, but i get restless and distracted.  i know what you're going to say to this, but i feel like i'm thinking about you 95% of the time.  i wish that wasn't how my mind and heart worked, but it is... i get obsessive and it makes life hard to focus on.  sometimes if i really want to talk to you, i don't do anything all day because i'm apathetic about something i guess.  i'm ashamed to be admitting these things to you, because i know what your reaction is to them... but admitting these things to you is also admitting them to myself, which helps.  

i guess it's almost like i have focused so much passion on you and i have stopped having much passion for anything else... 

i'm sorry, this must be really weird for you to read... i didn't really realize how obsessive and manic-depressive i can be.  i don't want to be a drain on your energy.  i just hope you understand me a little bit.  when i'm with you i don't feel any of these things... i don't know what's wrong with me... i just wish i didn't have to feel like this.  so low.  i feel so ashamed to feel like this, especially to be expressing it to you.  i want to be showing you love and i'm not doing that at all.  i want to be the beautiful happy young woman that you love so much, and i hope that by just expressing the feelings i have right now will help me get rid of them faster.  i'm going to try my hardest to do better for you, for me.  

i love you, i'm sorry, please forgive me, thank you.

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