letters from the captain

this town is like an old shipwreck. there's treasure buried here, and haunted legends keep most of the divers away. but i ain't scared. i know that treasure is worth enough to set a thousand more ships a-sailing 'cross a crystal blue sea of glorious, God-filled potential. i'm goin' in after it.

i walk the streets and see the faces of sad and broken stories. my heart swells with compassion for their forgetful, frightened minds. they are Divine, too. but like a foot that's been sat on for too long, they've forgotten Who they are connected with. so i smile, knowing Who I Am, because that's the best i can do for these beautiful creatures. maybe they'll remember to look in the mirror.

sometimes i forget my own Connection. it's then that i become distressed, and feel the weight of the world on my tiny human shoulders. how can one woman with such grand desires ever fulfill herself and comfort the world at the same time? she can't. just as it's not possible for one heart cell to pump all the blood to the rest of the human body, one human being cannot bring love to the entirety of man. but she can love her God, and through her, God can love her creation. and maybe, just maybe, her love will be more contagious than swine flu. and love is not just airborne. you and i, our hearts are talking to each other, even though we don't even know each other. even if you're on the other side of the planet from me, my heart is sending electromagnetic pulses in a radius that spans the entire globe and out into the universe.

talk about collective consciousness.

what if you only loved your family. purely and unabashedly gave each of your family members love and appreciation in every moment you were together. and the hearts of you and your family beat in the rhythm of the love of God. and that rhythm was pulsed out to each and every heart on this planet. and someone in another corner of the world had a heart that picked up on that Holy Rhythm, and suddenly became inspired to go home and love his family. do you see where this leads?

it begins with the simplest gesture of openness. when we were little, we remembered that it was safe to love everyone. so we did. but our parents got scared and punished us and told us that some people are not okay to love. they told us that we ourselves are not okay to love. it's not their fault though, because once upon a time, they were also little ones who remembered the wonders of loving everyone. and they were also born into families that were scared.

but you can be the beginning of a new pattern. you can fill yourself with love.

oh they'll call you selfish. they'll think you're a little wacky. but it feels so good that you won't care what they think, because you'll have compassion for them. because you remember what it felt like to be afraid of love. and you remember that ultimately, everyone only wants to love. it's what makes us the most Human.

we love.

you are safe here. because God is here, and God is taking care of everything for you. you don't need to worry anymore. you don't need to make anything happen. God is doing it all.

i am finding the treasure. i find pieces of it every day. i don't see a shipwreck anymore. i see the most magnificent future anyone could conceive of. and i have God on my side. i know the future is certain to be magnificent.

love.

it's been a while

so

i haven't written anything in a while. i've been journaling, but nothing for public view. however public this is.

scorpio is a time of transformations. shedding the old to make space for the brand new. allowing what doesn't serve you to fall away, while having the knowing that what does serve you will come in to take its place.

transformation can be a turbulent time for those who don't recognize it as transformation time. things fall apart in this time. you might get fired from your job. your mate might leave you. other things may go all to hell. these things that go "wrong" are part of the exoskeleton you are shedding. you no longer fit in that exoskeleton. trust that this is what is happening, and don't resist the changes the universe is making in your life. things will sort themselves out. but the more you resist, the longer it will take for Source to bring you what you need. just give the steering wheel over to the Larger Forces, and trust that what becomes of life will be more to your liking than you can imagine.

"negative" emotions may arise at this time. don't resist or judge them. don't punish yourself for feeling them. you wouldn't punish yourself for seeing red and orange, rather than only purple and blue. you know that these colors are just different frequencies of the same energy. red is light moving at a slower rate than purple. but it's ultimately the same thing.

well the same goes for "negative" and "positive" emotions. they are both of value, because they are both showing you how close you are to being who you REALLY are. who you really are, who you were when you first came into this world, is a joyful, excited, loving being. the reason why children are so wonderful to be around is because they remind us of who we REALLY ARE. we un-learned our natural way of being. and so many people are used to living in a state of less-than-bliss, because they think it's normal. i do it too. well, i don't think it's normal, but it's a habit.

anyway, when emotions come up during times of transformation, feel them, and allow them to be released. don't push them away or condemn them or argue with them or convince yourself to feel otherwise. and don't perpetuate a story to back up the emotion. just feel the emotion and notice it like you would notice the color of a flower, or the feeling of water on your hand. notice what it feels like, and let it go when it's ready to go.

likewise, physical things may need to be released. right now i am in the process of cleaning my room. and i mean CLEANING MY ROOM. i used to have a habit of saving little odds and ends just for the hell of it. now i'm finding that my life is cluttered with all this crap that doesn't belong here. i'm going through all of it and getting rid of probably 80%.

don't be afraid of letting all of these things go. as a mass consciousness, we have trained ourselves into a mindset of scarcity. we fear letting go of physical things because "what if i can't get more?" it's the mindset that underlies much of the over-eating problem in this country. "clean your plate, there are children in africa who are starving." well those children in africa have nothing to do with how full my stomach is, do they? if i'm full, i'm full, and i don't need to be eating any more.

notice what no longer serves you. i quit smoking weed because the more i do it, the worse i feel, mentally and physically. i'm not condemning the use of marijuana, but i have used it enough in my life. it no longer serves me. and i have no qualms about letting that habit go.

when you are trusting enough to let go of the old, the new is allowed to come in and replace it. and the new will take forms that you may not have ever imagined. new friends will come along to replace the ones you no longer vibe with. new pastimes will come into your awareness and will fill the time that the old pastimes once filled.

there is no judgement here. "old" is not "bad." and don't make judgements on yourself for having things, people, or habits in your life that others may have released. what serves me is different from what serves you. just because i quit smoking doesn't mean you're required to. it doesn't make me better than you, or vice versa. it's just a difference in preference. you don't need to push away things you think are bad for you. release things when they are ready to be released. there's no rush, and there's nothing to be afraid of. no matter what, you're alright!

i hope this brings clarity for those of you who are reading this. big things are happening at this time on our planet. if you are watching the "news," you'll notice that things are falling apart at a faster and faster rate. people seem to be panicking and freaking out more than ever. if you'll recognize that this is a large-scale transformation, and apply what i've said about your personal life to the larger scope, you'll come to a place of calm understanding that things are just shifting around. we have so many people on this planet, contributing to the mass consciousness of the world we live in. there is a lot that has to be shifted. there is a very big exoskeleton that needs to be shed. but the brand new creature that is emerging from that exoskeleton is glorious to behold, and better than anyone can conceive of right now. just have trust in that and ride this wave. don't get caught up in the fearful stories. just ride through this energy and you'll see, big things are moving into place as you read this. and it's all very very good :)

love!

november brings new awareness

it's november already! whew, i sure have been sprinting through time and space. it seems like just yesterday i was angstily waiting for spring to bring me out of hibernation.

time is relative.

i haven't written much in a while. it feels like i've been doing a lot. energetically, i've been busy. and i feel really good! i've been flying lately! these last few weeks have been spectacular!

friday is my birthday! hoorayyyyy! i love birthdays! it's an excuse to celebrate myself! i am turning 21 this year, and i am making my part as classy and awesome as possible. i have a phish cover band playing, wine and cheese, cupcakes, and a tarot reader! yes! classy attire (including a tiara for moi!). i just love extravagance sometimes, and ridiculousness, and fun. i love throwing parties. i love bringing people together to have fun. it's what humans are best at.

i've been noticing my patterns of self-criticism and perfectionism. because i am so attentive to detail, since detail is what makes a good character/scene/plot good, i have a habit of picking on myself for my "imperfections." i bite hangnails and pick at blemishes on my skin. i kick myself internally whenever i misspeak or step on someone's toes or "sound stupid." i am a lot more self conscious than i thought, and it seems to have increased since i became more aware of the goings-on in my mind. perhaps it's just the awareness that seems to have magnified it. either way, i am now allowing myself to let go of those self-critical patterns that are holding me back from feeling the best about Who I Really Am.

when i criticize myself, i feel bad. not because it's true. not because i need to work on myself and make myself better. i feel bad because there is a vibrational discord in the energy of the criticizing thought, and the perspective that Source takes. Source sees me as a glorious being, with gifts and talents beyond measure. Source finds me to be beautiful in every way. Source loves every single cell of my body, every word that comes from my mouth, every neuron that fires in my brain. Source folds me into its loving embrace in every moment. when i know this, my heart sings. my nerves tingle. my spirit soars! when i deny this, i feel the gap as negative emotion.

i'm thankful for my growing awareness of Source's infinite Love for all that I Am.