Friday, May 17, 2013

The habit is to fight myself.  I'd like to let that go now.  I'm the only one I'll ever be with for the entirety of my life.  Why do I need to fight me?  That can only lead to grudges down the line.

Friday, May 10, 2013


So here I am, just beginning to feel drowsy again at 2:37 in the morning.  This afternoon I got home early from work and immediately passed out, staying asleep for a solid 5 hours.  During these hours I had profound dreams of beautiful release - grudges were allowed to be gone from my body.  I dreamed that a man I had felt belittled by and defensive towards confessed deeply painful experiences he was harboring, and I held him as he cried in my arms.  I dreamed that the moon was a glowing Goddess I called Khali and she spoke to me kindly.  I dreamed angrily that my mom was trying to intrude upon my space and in the midst of physically resisting her entry (both of us pushing on opposite sides of my bedroom door), realized what I was doing and let go.  I still put up arms as if to box with her, but I awoke before it came to blows.

Now I'm sitting in my living room, listening to my downstairs neighbors have raucous sex and feeling the house shake with their orgasm.  It sounds like great fun they're having.  I hope sex can be that fun for me someday.  The thought of it sends erotic pulsations through my body, so I know that something wants to wake up.  All in good time, I suppose.  Nothing good is ever done in haste.

The guidance I am getting is that I just need to relax and let God inhabit my body.  I suppose that by distinguishing myself from God is the very thing that keeps that inhabitation from occurring immediately.  I'll let You in when I'm good and ready, ok?

I know that things are happening under the surface.  Shifting, moving things.  Emotions are flowing and I am more sensitive than ever.  Any little bit of resistance on my part is noticed quickly and I am becoming so appreciative of my emotions as guidance signals.  I very easily turned down a job offer that seemed in theory to be a good move, but which didn't feel very good to me at all, even before the interview was conducted.  When I trust these feelings and follow their guidance, they become ever clearer to me and I find them to be more and more helpful.  I am getting more into the flow.

The deeper I go into my body, the more I find myself able to relax.  It's a truly wonderful sensation.  I'm so thankful for this knowing that is finally seeping into me.


Tuesday, May 7, 2013

From whom all blessings flow

So much emotion is swimming through me these days.  Right now in particular, I'm finding it difficult to solidify the feelings into words and cohesion.

For so long I have clung to an archaic idea of passion and "love."  However, in contrast to the blissful calm and serenity I had been experiencing lately, this "passion" feels horrible.  I feel like I'm being tossed about on the waves of internal dialogue, telling so-and-so all the things I'll never be able to say to him out loud.  Imagining all the ways in which we could interact romantically, and then trying so hard to hold it all back, knowing that he doesn't want the same from me.  What a chaotic vibration!

I'm becoming ready to let it all smooth out again.  How wonderful it is to become so clear that when something old and out-of-whack arises, it is very obvious and easy to feel, and quick to resolve.

Everything is going right for me, and I do have the power to weather this storm.  It will pass, and I can feel it ebbing already.  I am cared for and Loved beyond any human capacity to imagine, and every chance I get I want to let in a little bit more of that.

God, thank you for this knowing.  Thank you for this day of ease and prayers answered.  The burger was delicious!