Thursday, August 26, 2010

spontaneous poems written on some coffee shop napkins

there is no need for such sad
puppy dog eyes
do you need an apology
to make you feel better?
it will be no better than an aspirin
or a good bong rip
eventually the pain will come back
in some form or another
and you'll wonder to yourself
"why is this happening again?
it feels so familiar
it seems i know nothing else..."

love is not what we shared
love is what happens when
you are so in love with yourSelf
that nobody else matters
and when two people
so full of love for themselves
come together
that is when sparks fly
i don't want anything less


i have been told i am "full of myself"
who else am i supposed to be full of?
who are you trying to fill yourself with?
not me, i hope.
you wouldn't like leftovers
especially when your own Self
so fresh and beautiful
tastes so much more delicious
than anything i could offer you.


the moon is a big pink mirror
reflecting back my one prayer
to know myself
to hear the truth
to love All That Is

but what happens after the moon wanes away?
where does that prayer go?
off into the darkness
to the end of the universe?
or does it disperse
into the ether
dissolving like sugar in a cup of black coffee
perhaps to come back to me tomorrow
through the eyes of some bystander...


Ode To A Chocolate Strawberry Milkshake

if only you could have lasted a little bit longer
so sweet
filling my experience with flavor
i try to deny
that my cup will soon be empty
but when the annoying
oh so obnoxious
sound of wet air
slurps through my straw
i cannot fool either of us further
O, plastic cup
you have nothing more to offer me
is it so crass
to throw you in the trash?
there will be more milkshakes in my future
but you were delicious while you lasted.

i am the summer

i am the buzz of a cicada
which sings to itself
on a lonely prairie
of maple bark
shaded by the green solar panels

i am the squawk of a blue jay
cacophonous and persistent
a trickster
hidden in the bushes in front of your house

i am the tickle of an ant
crawling across the smooth expanse
of your left foot
searching for something
that may be of use to the Colony

i am the Secret
which the wind
whispers into the ear of an oak tree
passed down through the generations
and heard by One
who remembers how to Listen

i am the flutter in the heart
of a child of twenty one
who hears the call of Spirit
and questions whether she has heard
anything at all

i am the sizzle of an onion on a hot grill
i am the chirp of a cardinal calling to its mate
i am a lonesome dobro in an empty cafe
i am a piece of cherry pie shared with a stranger on a rainy day
i am a puddle undernieth a swing while a rainbow stands guard just beyond the pine trees
i am a molecule in a sea of orange that gods call "marigold"
i am a crow shitting unabashedly on the heads of passers by
i am the song of rain on a canopy of leaves as two gods sit below
discussing their Creation

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

day of creation

today is a little bit lazy for me. i'm feeling good, i'm having fun imagining my life the way i want it to be. i'm loving my creation. i'm feeling a relaxed expectation.

it's a little bit rainy and gloomy outside, so i'm sort of lounging about... i'll snooze and read tarot cards for a little bit, and then i'll ride my bike around and look at things. i have fun riding my bike! i live in such a beautiful town, there are so many old gnarly buildings to look at and plenty of beautiful trees and hills. the weather this summer has been spectacular. the perfect variety of rain, sun, humid, dry. it's awesome.

i'm so excited about moving to austin! every day i wake up and it's the first thing i think about! and i think about it all day and then i go to sleep thinking about it, imagining it, dreaming it. it feels so good to imagine! it feels so good to daydream! now i remember what it was like when i was a kid, i was always dreaming something up. dreaming up my new treehouse. dreaming up my VW Bus (which i'm still dreaming up today! it's actually a possibility now :D). dreaming up my 7-floor mansion with pool, spa, and a different theme on every floor. dreaming up my kitchen and all the details. dreaming up whatever i could dream up about my future! when i was a kid, i just KNEW i would be rich and have whatever i wanted in my house! i just KNEW i would get everything i desired! and for some reason i forgot, but that's ok, because it just caused my desire to become stronger. so strong, in fact, that now that i am aligning with the good feeling of the desire, pure desire, it MUST come! ooooh, i love it! i love love love love love knowing the laws of creation.

life is becoming easier and easier, more and more fun, more and more delicious, more and more beautiful! i love living on this planet, full of so many amazing things to see and experience, taste and touch, hear and smell! i love my physical body and all of its abilities and sensing capabilities. i love knowing that i create my life with the power of my focused thoughts! i love saturating my mind with the desire and the feeling and the image of my home in austin, tx. i love knowing that abundance comes to me when i'm feeling this good! i love knowing that i have a divine inheritance that flows easily into my experience. i love being free and independent, and i LOVE giving of my abundance. i love buying treats for people. i love buying dinner for friends. i love grocery shopping and buying whatever food i want! i love having my own place and filling it with things i love. i love being surrounded by amazing people who are beautiful and creative and growing right alongside me. i love having deep, trusting, and loving friendships. i love intimacy with creative and beautiful men. i love my life and all it brings to me every day. i love it! i love living here! i love my creation! i love talking about how much i love my life! hahahahahaha!


Monday, August 16, 2010

pruning the mind

i just got back from running. it's amazing how good it feels to run. you reach a point where your body is just moving, and your mind becomes distinctly slower and more easy to focus.

there are many people who wish to dismiss the mind as a distraction, something to be ignored. but this world has many components, and all of them have a purpose. the mind is no less a component of this world, with a definite purpose. just because we do not fully understand its purpose, and have not mastered the skill of making it work for us, does not mean it is something to be discarded. it is a similar attitude that doctors once had towards tonsils or the appendix. "it's just going to cause trouble in the future, might as well take 'em out now."

the purpose of meditation, i've found, is not to silence the mind or make it stop... rather it is to notice what is going on within the mind. there are a lot of automatic programs running, and in the midst of the plethora of external distractions, it is easy for these thoughts to slip under the radar of consciousness. useless thoughts, assumptions, judgements, destructive thoughts... these are all programs that we have picked up along the way, hardly noticing what we've downloaded. meditation, or simply quiet contemplation, allows one to notice the mind's habits, see what is serving or not serving, and begin to gently shift the thoughts into new places, new frequencies.

it's like listening to the radio (or your iPod these days) as background noise. and a song comes on that, at first you don't really notice, but you begin to feel sad or nostalgic, singing along absent-mindedly, thinking about a memory that you have attached to the song, and soon enough you're headed down a train of thought about an ex-boyfriend and how he wasn't fair to you. before you know it, you're steeped in a bad mood, and can't seem to shake it.

but the mind is not the one in control here. each one of us has the power to change the station. each one of us has the power to choose a different thought, and continue to choose thoughts of that nature until that is the predominant song playing in the background. and the more you practice "minding the mind" and focusing on new thoughts, the easier it becomes to detect thoughts that don't jive with the station you're tuning in to... it sounds like static, and you have a strong desire to shift the thought immediately so you can keep listening to the beautiful song you've been hearing.

i think what is meant by "transcendence" is... not identifying with any one part of the Whole. the mind is only one aspect. the body is only one aspect. the soul is only one aspect. together, they make up a divine trinity. but no one part can exist without the others, and the Whole is not Whole without each part. the mind is not to be discarded. the body is not to be ignored. the soul is not to be squandered. listen to each part, incorporate each part in your day to day life... this is what it is to be transcendent. to be ALIVE.

speaking of alive, i have an avocado tree growing! it's about 8 inches high now! wow, i'm so excited, it is really flourishing!

well, i don't really know what else to add to this post. off to snack land!


Sunday, August 15, 2010

making progress...?

there's this antsy-ness within me.... a feeling like "am i supposed to be doing anything? give me a clue as to what i should be doing right now to manifest my desires!" but there's really not much i can do right now, other than sit tight, and practice feeling good about where i am. i've created a daily routine for myself, which i have promised myself to follow every day for the next 10 weeks until i move to austin. it feels good, because without any kind of structure to my day, i just wander around ambiguously, wasting time in random ways. and at the end of the day, i reflect and recognize that i've been completely unproductive, and then i feel bad. and the purpose of my life is to feel good, so if structuring my day makes me feel like i did something in the direction of my goals, i'm gonna do it, because feeling good is important to me!

my intuition is becoming pretty sensitive... or rather, i'm becoming more sensitive to my own intuition. but i've just begun to get used to it, so i misunderstand sometimes. like, i'll feel doubt about something, and i'm not sure if it's my own resistance due to negative thought patterns, or if it's my intuition telling me that it's not going to happen or that it's not where i should direct my energy.

it's easy for me to get excited about imagining moving to austin, because i believe i've been intuiting this move for a while.

something that definitely needs to shift within me is my point of focus. i feel like i'm turned in the wrong direction. most of my thoughts are about moments in the past. and nothing i desire is in the past! and i can feel the negative emotion telling me i'm focused in the wrong direction, splitting my energy. the next 10 weeks is going to be devoted to focusing more and more in the direction of the future, and what i am becoming.

it's hard to experience life, and listen to music, and watch television, without catching some little glimpse of enlightenment, casually tossed out into the wind with the unconscious hope that it might inspire a greater Knowing. i read two Rolling Stone articles this week... one about Michael Cera, and one about Katy Perry... and both of the articles had a fine, hardly detectable dusting of that Knowing. it's amazing. once your eyes are open, you see other open eyes everywhere, and you realize that everything really is self-aware, even if it is under the illusion of forgetfulness.

i think i want to write about relationships today...

why have we romanticized the painful pining after someone who is clearly uninterested? i feel like i've been doing this my whole life, since the first time i can remember having a crush on someone. i had a crush on a kid from kindergarten until 6th grade. and then i gave that one up and had a crush on a different kid who looked like harry potter. he hated me! but i still "loved" him. and i only gave up on that one because i moved out of state. and then i found another boy to obsess over, who very clearly did not want me, not even as a friend really (nowadays we're pretty good acquaintances, and i'm friends with his mom, lol!). but i had a crush on him from 7th till 9th grade. and i only gave up on that one because he left school! and it doesn't stop there! it only became more and more intense, more and more lonely, more and more pathetic and depressing.

recently, i went on a camping trip with a stranger. he was in his late 50s, early 60s perhaps. when i met him, i could feel the energy of "he's interested in me more than a casual friend." we met at a little orchard where there was a show happening to benefit veterans. we talked, in a group, about peace and politics and such. i was a little low on energy that day, and i listened more than talked. but this dude seemed pretty interested in me, and i could tell. i gave him my email, because i have a magazine and am always looking for contributors.

anyway, he emailed me a few times, in a mournfully romantic way, sort of poetic and lovesick. the energy felt very familiar to me, and a little irritating. he asked me to come camping with him in a beautiful forest on an island in a little lake. i didn't answer, because i was, at the time, feeling bummed out and anxious about yet another failed attempt at continuing a romantic connection with a boy i met at the rainbow gathering. he sent me an email less than a day later entitled "deafening silence" and said "forgive me for overreaching. have a good week."

i instantly felt compassion, because he was displaying to me the exact energy i was feeling towards this rainbow kid. "deafening silence" is a bit of an understatement! i wrote this kid letter after letter, i sent him artwork. he asked me to do so! i sent him facebook messages. i tried calling him. and i only heard like a total of 5 sentences from him. when we met at rainbow, the connection was amazing, and we had so much fun for a few days. he brought me home and gave me one last kiss, and smelled my hair. i told him i would miss him, and gave him a kiss on the cheek. and that was that. so painfully brief.

i romanticized the long-distance lovers idea... writing letters and anticipating the day when we would see each other again. i sent him so much love, and all i received was unemotional half-sentences that were cryptic and vague. i could feel his energy was just not there. and i freaked out and asked him what was going on? was there something wrong? did i do something to scare him away? then one day he said "maybe i only wanted a connection at rainbow..."


anyway, so back to the camping trip. i felt compassion, and decided i was willing to open my heart and mind to the idea of enjoying peace and quiet in a beautiful natural setting. but i felt it only fair to give him the fair warning that i wish i could have had. clear communication about my intentions and feelings. so i told this old dude "i have given it thought, and i would like to come with you. but i have to make it very clear to you, i do not want any kind of romantic interaction of any kind whatsoever. i may be making assumptions here, but my radar is usually pretty on-point." so he agreed to "give me space."

but physical space and energetic space are two very different things! not only did i feel a strong and displeasing pull from him, i felt like i was drowning in his overwhelming misplaced desire! it was aweful, and i felt terrible putting up a big wall around my heart, in an attempt to give him maybe a not-so-subtle hint that i was very much NOT interested in him AT ALL. i was blatantly rude to him, and on the drive home i just blew up at him. i felt terrible being that way. but it's the most suffocating energy. i just wanted to escape the whole thing.

then as soon as i got home, i checked my facebook messages and i had received a message from a guy saying "hello queen," telling me that i was the angel of his dreams, that he wanted me and only me. i told him i wasn't interested, but he was incessant. he would not listen to the word "no." and i finally blocked him altogether because he just didn't get it.

it's so obvious now, laying it all out, that these two suffocating men were just showing me the energy i have been putting forth with regards to relationships. i know, i can feel it, i can recognize what it feels like from the inside and outside. but now, it's tricky, because i don't really know what a detached love feels like. i don't really recognize it... or i do, but somehow i keep slipping into the old habit of disempowerment... like i am drowning in my own loneliness, and whenever someone comes along i cling to them and pull them under in an attempt to get some air.

i think i just keep flailing about, forgetting that i'm a pretty good swimmer and i don't need anyone to rescue me.

it's just been so played up by the movies we watch and the books we read... the protagonist is a homely but sweet man who's never known true love, but sees the woman of his dreams, and at first she doesn't notice him, but he waits for her. he does little things for her, in the hopes that she might one day notice him and almost pity him, and give him a chance, and discover that he's really a sweet and romantic man who can provide her with everything that makes her happy (except a sexy-ass bod and great sex). they get married and live happily ever after, the beauty and the beast.

but TRUE love is not like that! TRUE love has to be an immediate and mutual connection, and a gradual building of a trusting friendship, and an eventual confession of "more-than-just-friends" feelings. at least, that's how i feel like it should be for me. this can exist for everyone, i believe. but both individuals must be free and empowered, standing tall as their own God/dess earth-forms. there cannot be one who is feeling less than their full selves. because that one will suck the life out of the other, and the other will just feel suffocated and chained-down. we must all remember that we are independently responsible for our own happiness and love. that these feelings do not come from outside of oneself, but from that place within. that place of pure appreciation for the way things are Now. that place of clarity, recognizing the Perfection and Divinity of Everything That Is. when you reside in that place more often than not, you're bound to rendezvous with another who is as well, and who enjoys being there with you.

it's time for the perpetuation of the romantic lie to end. it's been the most painful lie to live, and it's tentacles still have a hold of my big toe. but i'm done feeding that monster! it does not serve me, and never did.


Saturday, August 7, 2010

the ultimate freedom

it's amazing... i've reached such a free place in my experience... physically, things are still the same... but i've let go of one of the biggest fears that was holding me up.

ever since i Awakened last summer, i've been so very aware of where i was (angry, depressed, etc), and was in a way pushing against those feelings... trying to stop "negative" thoughts... trying to avoid getting aggravated or sad... but finally i've come to this understanding that those feelings are always going to be there. i'm always going to have times when i feel depressed. and there will always be times when i feel elated. there will always be times when i feel agro. and there will be times when i am brutally honest. this is true empowerment. to own all of those emotions, and feel them as they come, and still be okay with it. to create a beautiful sad moment is just as valuable as creating a beautiful happy moment. in fact, sometimes the beautiful sad moments are even more home-hitting than the happy ones. because a happy moment always comes with that seed of sadness that "this too shall pass."

this is what the yin-yang symbol is. in the black, there is a seed of white. in the dark, dismal emotions, there is a seed of light... that Knowing that "this too shall pass." and when you find that seed of Knowing, you stand on it and look into the darkness and find the beauty there, and think "hey. i'm alright. and this emotion isn't killing me. it's actually kind of pretty." and while you're standing on that white island, suddenly you find it growing, to become the white half, and within the white half is a seed of Knowing that "this too shall pass." and you appreciate all of it, and feel thankful that you made it this far. this is when things become truly magical. this is when the universe shows itself to you in all it's glory. and after going through this oscillation enough times, you come to find peace within it. you know what's coming. and you embrace the transformation. and you surrender and become more willing to show All of yourSelf to the universe. the happy and the sad. the agro and the peaceful. the depression and the elation. and you feel no shame. you just have such a pure desire to share your Whole Self with this magnificent experience called Life. and you do it whole heartedly and passionately. you don't care what the people at the grocery store think when you break down suddenly in front of the array of cheeses. you dance with the abandon of a child in front of a crowd of people. you laugh out loud at what seems to be nothing at all, but you know you're laughing at the perfect absurdity of Everything and Everyone. and you relish in how delicious a bag of chips is.

i don't want to eliminate anything from my experience. i don't want to eliminate half of my experience just in the hopes of achieving the manifestation of all of my physical desires. i don't think that's what life is about. life is about watching the crazy people walk down main street saying things like "i'm not sexy no more... i've got a great butt though!" (yes, i heard someone say this today as i was eating a sandwich outside a deli in my town. i laughed so hard!). life is about the Critical Moment, when the cicadas are buzzing real loud, and the grass is wet from the rain that just went away, and the orange light of the street lamps is sparkling on everything in a strangely comforting way. and you're walking with a kid that you met fifteen minutes earlier and you're talking about how big the universe is. and you're remembering how you felt when you encountered a beautiful boy at a hippie fest in the woods in pennsylvania. and you're pouring your heart out to this stranger, and saying that no matter how much it hurts, i'm still gonna do it all over again because it's worth it to FEEL. that's what life is. it's not this fantasy of driving in a glamourous car with your freshly pressed-on nails and straight, blond hair-extensions. it's not doing yoga every day, eating raw food, and saying positive affirmations and arranging your furniture for the best energy-flow. i refuse to eliminate half of the equation! i want both! i want to do yoga when i want to do yoga. i want to be a motherfuckin gangsta and smoke a blunt with mah homies when i want to be a motherfuckin gangsta smokin blunts with mah homies. it's all part of the movie. and it's all God. it's all perfection. everyone is enlightened, just not all of them remember that they are. but everyone knows their own truth, and when they can say it openly, there is always a nugget of enlightenment to be captured, and treasured.

i love this life so much. i love this planet. i love this body. i love the struggle. i love the ease. i love love love love love it! it's so much fun!