Sunday, August 15, 2010

making progress...?

there's this antsy-ness within me.... a feeling like "am i supposed to be doing anything? give me a clue as to what i should be doing right now to manifest my desires!" but there's really not much i can do right now, other than sit tight, and practice feeling good about where i am. i've created a daily routine for myself, which i have promised myself to follow every day for the next 10 weeks until i move to austin. it feels good, because without any kind of structure to my day, i just wander around ambiguously, wasting time in random ways. and at the end of the day, i reflect and recognize that i've been completely unproductive, and then i feel bad. and the purpose of my life is to feel good, so if structuring my day makes me feel like i did something in the direction of my goals, i'm gonna do it, because feeling good is important to me!

my intuition is becoming pretty sensitive... or rather, i'm becoming more sensitive to my own intuition. but i've just begun to get used to it, so i misunderstand sometimes. like, i'll feel doubt about something, and i'm not sure if it's my own resistance due to negative thought patterns, or if it's my intuition telling me that it's not going to happen or that it's not where i should direct my energy.

it's easy for me to get excited about imagining moving to austin, because i believe i've been intuiting this move for a while.

something that definitely needs to shift within me is my point of focus. i feel like i'm turned in the wrong direction. most of my thoughts are about moments in the past. and nothing i desire is in the past! and i can feel the negative emotion telling me i'm focused in the wrong direction, splitting my energy. the next 10 weeks is going to be devoted to focusing more and more in the direction of the future, and what i am becoming.

it's hard to experience life, and listen to music, and watch television, without catching some little glimpse of enlightenment, casually tossed out into the wind with the unconscious hope that it might inspire a greater Knowing. i read two Rolling Stone articles this week... one about Michael Cera, and one about Katy Perry... and both of the articles had a fine, hardly detectable dusting of that Knowing. it's amazing. once your eyes are open, you see other open eyes everywhere, and you realize that everything really is self-aware, even if it is under the illusion of forgetfulness.

i think i want to write about relationships today...

why have we romanticized the painful pining after someone who is clearly uninterested? i feel like i've been doing this my whole life, since the first time i can remember having a crush on someone. i had a crush on a kid from kindergarten until 6th grade. and then i gave that one up and had a crush on a different kid who looked like harry potter. he hated me! but i still "loved" him. and i only gave up on that one because i moved out of state. and then i found another boy to obsess over, who very clearly did not want me, not even as a friend really (nowadays we're pretty good acquaintances, and i'm friends with his mom, lol!). but i had a crush on him from 7th till 9th grade. and i only gave up on that one because he left school! and it doesn't stop there! it only became more and more intense, more and more lonely, more and more pathetic and depressing.

recently, i went on a camping trip with a stranger. he was in his late 50s, early 60s perhaps. when i met him, i could feel the energy of "he's interested in me more than a casual friend." we met at a little orchard where there was a show happening to benefit veterans. we talked, in a group, about peace and politics and such. i was a little low on energy that day, and i listened more than talked. but this dude seemed pretty interested in me, and i could tell. i gave him my email, because i have a magazine and am always looking for contributors.

anyway, he emailed me a few times, in a mournfully romantic way, sort of poetic and lovesick. the energy felt very familiar to me, and a little irritating. he asked me to come camping with him in a beautiful forest on an island in a little lake. i didn't answer, because i was, at the time, feeling bummed out and anxious about yet another failed attempt at continuing a romantic connection with a boy i met at the rainbow gathering. he sent me an email less than a day later entitled "deafening silence" and said "forgive me for overreaching. have a good week."

i instantly felt compassion, because he was displaying to me the exact energy i was feeling towards this rainbow kid. "deafening silence" is a bit of an understatement! i wrote this kid letter after letter, i sent him artwork. he asked me to do so! i sent him facebook messages. i tried calling him. and i only heard like a total of 5 sentences from him. when we met at rainbow, the connection was amazing, and we had so much fun for a few days. he brought me home and gave me one last kiss, and smelled my hair. i told him i would miss him, and gave him a kiss on the cheek. and that was that. so painfully brief.

i romanticized the long-distance lovers idea... writing letters and anticipating the day when we would see each other again. i sent him so much love, and all i received was unemotional half-sentences that were cryptic and vague. i could feel his energy was just not there. and i freaked out and asked him what was going on? was there something wrong? did i do something to scare him away? then one day he said "maybe i only wanted a connection at rainbow..."


anyway, so back to the camping trip. i felt compassion, and decided i was willing to open my heart and mind to the idea of enjoying peace and quiet in a beautiful natural setting. but i felt it only fair to give him the fair warning that i wish i could have had. clear communication about my intentions and feelings. so i told this old dude "i have given it thought, and i would like to come with you. but i have to make it very clear to you, i do not want any kind of romantic interaction of any kind whatsoever. i may be making assumptions here, but my radar is usually pretty on-point." so he agreed to "give me space."

but physical space and energetic space are two very different things! not only did i feel a strong and displeasing pull from him, i felt like i was drowning in his overwhelming misplaced desire! it was aweful, and i felt terrible putting up a big wall around my heart, in an attempt to give him maybe a not-so-subtle hint that i was very much NOT interested in him AT ALL. i was blatantly rude to him, and on the drive home i just blew up at him. i felt terrible being that way. but it's the most suffocating energy. i just wanted to escape the whole thing.

then as soon as i got home, i checked my facebook messages and i had received a message from a guy saying "hello queen," telling me that i was the angel of his dreams, that he wanted me and only me. i told him i wasn't interested, but he was incessant. he would not listen to the word "no." and i finally blocked him altogether because he just didn't get it.

it's so obvious now, laying it all out, that these two suffocating men were just showing me the energy i have been putting forth with regards to relationships. i know, i can feel it, i can recognize what it feels like from the inside and outside. but now, it's tricky, because i don't really know what a detached love feels like. i don't really recognize it... or i do, but somehow i keep slipping into the old habit of disempowerment... like i am drowning in my own loneliness, and whenever someone comes along i cling to them and pull them under in an attempt to get some air.

i think i just keep flailing about, forgetting that i'm a pretty good swimmer and i don't need anyone to rescue me.

it's just been so played up by the movies we watch and the books we read... the protagonist is a homely but sweet man who's never known true love, but sees the woman of his dreams, and at first she doesn't notice him, but he waits for her. he does little things for her, in the hopes that she might one day notice him and almost pity him, and give him a chance, and discover that he's really a sweet and romantic man who can provide her with everything that makes her happy (except a sexy-ass bod and great sex). they get married and live happily ever after, the beauty and the beast.

but TRUE love is not like that! TRUE love has to be an immediate and mutual connection, and a gradual building of a trusting friendship, and an eventual confession of "more-than-just-friends" feelings. at least, that's how i feel like it should be for me. this can exist for everyone, i believe. but both individuals must be free and empowered, standing tall as their own God/dess earth-forms. there cannot be one who is feeling less than their full selves. because that one will suck the life out of the other, and the other will just feel suffocated and chained-down. we must all remember that we are independently responsible for our own happiness and love. that these feelings do not come from outside of oneself, but from that place within. that place of pure appreciation for the way things are Now. that place of clarity, recognizing the Perfection and Divinity of Everything That Is. when you reside in that place more often than not, you're bound to rendezvous with another who is as well, and who enjoys being there with you.

it's time for the perpetuation of the romantic lie to end. it's been the most painful lie to live, and it's tentacles still have a hold of my big toe. but i'm done feeding that monster! it does not serve me, and never did.


1 comment:

  1. theres a book i read called When Things Fall Apart that i feel you may dig :)