ever since i Awakened last summer, i've been so very aware of where i was (angry, depressed, etc), and was in a way pushing against those feelings... trying to stop "negative" thoughts... trying to avoid getting aggravated or sad... but finally i've come to this understanding that those feelings are always going to be there. i'm always going to have times when i feel depressed. and there will always be times when i feel elated. there will always be times when i feel agro. and there will be times when i am brutally honest. this is true empowerment. to own all of those emotions, and feel them as they come, and still be okay with it. to create a beautiful sad moment is just as valuable as creating a beautiful happy moment. in fact, sometimes the beautiful sad moments are even more home-hitting than the happy ones. because a happy moment always comes with that seed of sadness that "this too shall pass."
this is what the yin-yang symbol is. in the black, there is a seed of white. in the dark, dismal emotions, there is a seed of light... that Knowing that "this too shall pass." and when you find that seed of Knowing, you stand on it and look into the darkness and find the beauty there, and think "hey. i'm alright. and this emotion isn't killing me. it's actually kind of pretty." and while you're standing on that white island, suddenly you find it growing, to become the white half, and within the white half is a seed of Knowing that "this too shall pass." and you appreciate all of it, and feel thankful that you made it this far. this is when things become truly magical. this is when the universe shows itself to you in all it's glory. and after going through this oscillation enough times, you come to find peace within it. you know what's coming. and you embrace the transformation. and you surrender and become more willing to show All of yourSelf to the universe. the happy and the sad. the agro and the peaceful. the depression and the elation. and you feel no shame. you just have such a pure desire to share your Whole Self with this magnificent experience called Life. and you do it whole heartedly and passionately. you don't care what the people at the grocery store think when you break down suddenly in front of the array of cheeses. you dance with the abandon of a child in front of a crowd of people. you laugh out loud at what seems to be nothing at all, but you know you're laughing at the perfect absurdity of Everything and Everyone. and you relish in how delicious a bag of chips is.
i don't want to eliminate anything from my experience. i don't want to eliminate half of my experience just in the hopes of achieving the manifestation of all of my physical desires. i don't think that's what life is about. life is about watching the crazy people walk down main street saying things like "i'm not sexy no more... i've got a great butt though!" (yes, i heard someone say this today as i was eating a sandwich outside a deli in my town. i laughed so hard!). life is about the Critical Moment, when the cicadas are buzzing real loud, and the grass is wet from the rain that just went away, and the orange light of the street lamps is sparkling on everything in a strangely comforting way. and you're walking with a kid that you met fifteen minutes earlier and you're talking about how big the universe is. and you're remembering how you felt when you encountered a beautiful boy at a hippie fest in the woods in pennsylvania. and you're pouring your heart out to this stranger, and saying that no matter how much it hurts, i'm still gonna do it all over again because it's worth it to FEEL. that's what life is. it's not this fantasy of driving in a glamourous car with your freshly pressed-on nails and straight, blond hair-extensions. it's not doing yoga every day, eating raw food, and saying positive affirmations and arranging your furniture for the best energy-flow. i refuse to eliminate half of the equation! i want both! i want to do yoga when i want to do yoga. i want to be a motherfuckin gangsta and smoke a blunt with mah homies when i want to be a motherfuckin gangsta smokin blunts with mah homies. it's all part of the movie. and it's all God. it's all perfection. everyone is enlightened, just not all of them remember that they are. but everyone knows their own truth, and when they can say it openly, there is always a nugget of enlightenment to be captured, and treasured.
i love this life so much. i love this planet. i love this body. i love the struggle. i love the ease. i love love love love love it! it's so much fun!