Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Blasting off

Since last night, I have become downright excited!  New possibilities have entered my mind!  I'm grounding myself in this here-and-now, but I'm looking forward to what is coming next!  Surely this is the best position to be in.  Forever on the brink.

All it really takes is a little bit of letting go.  Just a little bit of breathing in my body.  Just a little bit of forgetting what the physical world consists of.  

This is the feeling I've been wanting to glean from my circumstances.  But I'm gleaning it from within my own self.  There is a gold mine of ecstatic yumminess to be glean'd from within!  How glorious!


Monday, February 3, 2014

Few and Far Between

Wow, it's been a long while.  Much has happened, within and without.

I got a dog, and he is currently the love of my life.  Such sweet affection from this furry friend.  I adore him.

I moved to a more permanent residence.  It's a lovely little place, and already my heart is asking for more.  How funny it is to be human, we have such constantly expanding desires, it's hard to keep up with it all!  But I have enjoyed this home, and still do.

I graduated from my acting class.

And I commenced my annual winter hibernation period.  This time, I punctuated it by attending my second Divine Openings 5 Day Retreat, in California.  I took two weeks to luxuriate in the warmth and beachy sunshine.  It was fantastic.  And there was contrast.  Life does not cease to have contrast, even after "enlightenment."

I use this word in quotations because it seems as soon as I think I've grasped what it is to "be there," I sink back down into old habits.  Searching for something new, searching for someone new, searching for the next thing, the next thing, the next thing.  It's incredibly tiresome, and I'm finding it difficult to tread the line between passionately going forth into new territories -- eating life with vim and vigor -- and hungrily, addictively seeking the avenues for new stuff to have.  Stuff can be anything from a car to a nice hard cock to ride on.  It doesn't matter, I am addicted to gathering and attaining new things!  How can I let go of this?  It's running me ragged, and I can tell I've lost sight of what I once felt very assuredly within me.  Or maybe I never quite felt it.  It seems every time I do find "it," I stay there for a few moments, and then I immediately look for ways in which I can get my stuff.  It's like I'm only trying to get "it" so that I can have my stuff as a result.


I am so sick of constantly having an ulterior motive to feeling happiness.  I just want to be happy and be satisfied with having that feeling, not because I know it will cause the things I want to gravitate magically towards me, but because FEELING UNABASHEDLY HAPPY IS FUCKING AWESOME!

I am exhausted by the constant reaching outside of myself, trying to fill holes that are empty because I'm not in them.  I am tired of chasing down physical manifestations.  I am DONE with trying to manifest shit.

I hereby commit to making myself happy.  In whatever way I can, I am going to make myself happy.  Tonight, it was eating an entire bag of cheddar and sour cream potato chips while watching Wilfred.  Tomorrow, maybe I'll do something else that's fun.  Or maybe I'll sleep all day.  Or maybe I'll jerk off.  Whatever it takes.  I deserve to feel good no matter what, and I am tired of making my happiness contingent on things happening in my outer reality.  I am so DONE WITH THAT!

If there is a God, I implore you, replace this fucking annoying habit with one of getting out of the way, of settling into my body and breathing, of letting my life just juggle itself from now on.

Thank you.


Saturday, June 8, 2013


Somehow I found the crack.  I'm remembering.  Thank God.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

God is in the space between

Between people.  Between things.  Between moments.  Between thoughts.

It is so easy and habitual to get caught up in the constant stimulation of the mental experience.  Before you know it, life has swept you up in a whirlwind of stories and emotions.  It takes awareness and patience to practice a continual steadiness in the Between Space.  I don't think I'm entirely ready to give up the excitement of the mental whirlwind.  I'm afraid of spending too much time in the Between Space.  I'm afraid of becoming a really shitty actress if I give up on the mental drama that I experience on a near daily basis.

I'm scared to let go of this personality that I've identified with over so many years of human life.  What if the Between Space obliterates me?  What if I become some boring and empty monk-like non-functional alien, cut off from all human experience and emotion?  I would rather suffer a little bit every day than live a boring life!  I am so afraid of enlightenment being boring.

Maybe my enlightenment will be unique and interesting and exciting.  I suppose it would have to be.  I don't think God could possibly get bored.  Maybe I have a very small idea of what it is to be God in a body.  I'd like to let go of that idea, because it seems to be perpetuating unnecessary suffering and resistance.

Everything will be okay.


Friday, May 17, 2013

The habit is to fight myself.  I'd like to let that go now.  I'm the only one I'll ever be with for the entirety of my life.  Why do I need to fight me?  That can only lead to grudges down the line.

Friday, May 10, 2013


So here I am, just beginning to feel drowsy again at 2:37 in the morning.  This afternoon I got home early from work and immediately passed out, staying asleep for a solid 5 hours.  During these hours I had profound dreams of beautiful release - grudges were allowed to be gone from my body.  I dreamed that a man I had felt belittled by and defensive towards confessed deeply painful experiences he was harboring, and I held him as he cried in my arms.  I dreamed that the moon was a glowing Goddess I called Khali and she spoke to me kindly.  I dreamed angrily that my mom was trying to intrude upon my space and in the midst of physically resisting her entry (both of us pushing on opposite sides of my bedroom door), realized what I was doing and let go.  I still put up arms as if to box with her, but I awoke before it came to blows.

Now I'm sitting in my living room, listening to my downstairs neighbors have raucous sex and feeling the house shake with their orgasm.  It sounds like great fun they're having.  I hope sex can be that fun for me someday.  The thought of it sends erotic pulsations through my body, so I know that something wants to wake up.  All in good time, I suppose.  Nothing good is ever done in haste.

The guidance I am getting is that I just need to relax and let God inhabit my body.  I suppose that by distinguishing myself from God is the very thing that keeps that inhabitation from occurring immediately.  I'll let You in when I'm good and ready, ok?

I know that things are happening under the surface.  Shifting, moving things.  Emotions are flowing and I am more sensitive than ever.  Any little bit of resistance on my part is noticed quickly and I am becoming so appreciative of my emotions as guidance signals.  I very easily turned down a job offer that seemed in theory to be a good move, but which didn't feel very good to me at all, even before the interview was conducted.  When I trust these feelings and follow their guidance, they become ever clearer to me and I find them to be more and more helpful.  I am getting more into the flow.

The deeper I go into my body, the more I find myself able to relax.  It's a truly wonderful sensation.  I'm so thankful for this knowing that is finally seeping into me.


Tuesday, May 7, 2013

From whom all blessings flow

So much emotion is swimming through me these days.  Right now in particular, I'm finding it difficult to solidify the feelings into words and cohesion.

For so long I have clung to an archaic idea of passion and "love."  However, in contrast to the blissful calm and serenity I had been experiencing lately, this "passion" feels horrible.  I feel like I'm being tossed about on the waves of internal dialogue, telling so-and-so all the things I'll never be able to say to him out loud.  Imagining all the ways in which we could interact romantically, and then trying so hard to hold it all back, knowing that he doesn't want the same from me.  What a chaotic vibration!

I'm becoming ready to let it all smooth out again.  How wonderful it is to become so clear that when something old and out-of-whack arises, it is very obvious and easy to feel, and quick to resolve.

Everything is going right for me, and I do have the power to weather this storm.  It will pass, and I can feel it ebbing already.  I am cared for and Loved beyond any human capacity to imagine, and every chance I get I want to let in a little bit more of that.

God, thank you for this knowing.  Thank you for this day of ease and prayers answered.  The burger was delicious!