wet dreams

once again, i encounter a state of hibernation. and while my nervous mind wails and rails against the stagnation, my Inner Being tells me that it's quite alright. i am allowed to sleep and be still for a while. there is nothing i need to do, nowhere i need to be but here.

it is in this quietude that i recognize there is much within me from which i have been running. but running from my own inner world is like trying to run from air. not only is it impossible, since it is everywhere, but it is fatal. we need our inner world. it is all we have. it is literally what breathes us.

there are aspects of my own inner world that i have fought against, hid from myself, ignored, loathed. most recently i have come to acknowledge and accept my true sexual nature and desires. even writing it down like makes me feel a little nervous, because i have this fear that it will create a definition of me in the minds of others, and ultimately change the way i am perceived. this may be so, but i now have to make a choice: would i rather be honest and loving with myself? or would i rather cater to the fickle preferences of others, real or imaginary?

of course i will always choose the former.

so, without further ado, here it is. the unveiling of my bisexuality.

i'm not sure what else to say about it. part of me felt like it wasn't really so important that i should make an announcement. then again, a lot of what i write about is simply personal revelation expressed with the hope that my honesty will inspire even one other to be more honest with themselves.

it's interesting... to put a label on one's sexuality seems strange. sexuality is an energy, a feeling, triggered within each of us according to our personal experience, thoughts, images, culture, etc. sexuality is sexuality. it's not something that can be fit into a box called "gay" or "straight." it is an energy, an attraction that arises within. the Spirit does not have a gender. just because we as humans have genitals that are either matching or complementary (or anywhere in-between) doesn't mean that the sexual energy that arouses those genitalia is different according to each person. as a woman, i breathe air that is of the same molecular makeup as a man, or a hermaphrodite. in the eyes of Source, there is no difference.

energy is energy.

sex is sex.

one of my resolutions this new year was to have this be my year of sexual freedom. no more rules, games, or worries. no more doubts and fears. no more attachments. just pure enjoyment of pleasure in every form it comes in.

another resolution, that seems to go hand-in-hand with the first, is that i will not back down from my desires. this year, i will own all of my desires and cherish them, for they make me who i am. and Who I Am is unique unto the entire Universe. my desires keep this Universe expanding, growing, breathing.

anything i desire, i have the absolute right to desire. desire is a treasure. a crack through which God flows to us and through us. it is not necessarily the physical thing we want. simply the pleasure of having a desire burning within us, lighting us on fire and fueling the Creation of All That Is.

Life.

i have said this before, and i'll say it again. sex is not about having an orgasm. it is about experiencing fully the pleasure of desire. in the same way, life is not about having the things (the orgasms). it is about experiencing the pleasure of the desire.

of course, withholding oneself from their desire because you think it's not okay to have the thing you desire (whether it's money or an orgasm) only makes the desire painful (ever heard of blue balls? kind of like that. and yes, women get blue balls, to). when that desire feels so big that it is filling your entire Beingness, that means it's time to fulfill it. that's when it's the best time to get laid. that's when it's the most satisfying to eat a great meal.

there is nothing we are here to do except desire and enjoy. that's it. nothing more. no "purpose" or "lesson" or "karma." just pleasure, bliss, enjoyment.

love,

pH.

Free at Last, I Am Free at Last

i want you to know that there is nothing to fear.

i want you to know that freedom is something that cannot be taken away. it is born within us, an inherent state of Being. we may choose to become distracted by illusions of bondage. we may choose to experience the feeling of being trapped. but these choices are truly indicators of exactly how free we are.

freedom is not something that can be quantified, defined, mandated, or granted.

freedom is a feeling.

you cannot take away a feeling.

feelings are something over which we humans have full control. we can create whatever feeling we like. indeed, we do so every day. every form of art, music, film, and literature is created with the intention of invoking a feeling. our feelings stem from the stories we tell ourselves, and the stories we tell each other.

many people today are telling a very frightening story. many people are telling stories of how we will lose our freedom. of how we have already lost so much of our freedom, and "They" want to take the rest away. some people are telling the story of how we will not let "Them" take our freedom. that we will fight to the death to protect our freedom from their greed and lies and corruption.

but a few people are telling a different story altogether. a few people are telling the story of how, no matter how big and scary the illusion is, it doesn't change how free we are. we are freedom, embodied.

we make choices every day. some of these choices illustrate our inherent freedom. others play into the illusion of being trapped. either way, our choices are made purely because we are free to make them.

no amount of guns, legislation, or dictatorship can ever suppress the natural Force of the Universe. nobody has ever taken away the freedom of another. if there has ever been the experience of lack of freedom, it is because we allowed the strength of the illusion to overpower the strength of our Knowing that not one person has power over another.

the greatest revolution that will happen, that is happening, on this planet... is the revolution within each of us. soon we will all know that the only ones who robbed us of our freedom were ourselves.

be well, my friends. remember your freedom, and fear not the big bad goings-on that surround us in these times. it will not last.

on the crest of an expanding wave

i am feeling an increasing awareness of the presence of my Source. it pervades all moments and makes me feel like, through it, i am reaching out into infinite directions and touching everything and everyone. it feels good.

today, as i walked my dog, we came across a conflict. a group of GLBT students surrounded a man who was holding up a large sign with some bible quotes on it. he was arguing that only through Christ can one find salvation, that homosexuality is a sin, etc. the GLBT students were of course outraged. as i approached, i felt my heart rate become more intense. i participated by saying that i thought it was beautiful that we all have the freedom to choose our own perspectives. eventually they all decided to ignore him, which i though was a lovely idea. i left at that point, but as i walked home i couldn't help but ponder the energy of what had occurred.

i delighted in the contrast of it! i found it exciting, and as i came away from it i recognized that my Inner Being had delighted in it as well, because from it had been created something new and expanded. and the same went for the Inner Being of every single participant in the conflict. each of them was asking for something, and Source has become it for all of them. were they to let go and know that All Is Well, they would receive what they asked for immediately. as i walked away, i did just that, and i rode the wave of expansion almost as it was happening. what a thrill!

it feels good to feel good. it is so good to know that i am always surrounded by Love. that i am always safe and secure and taken care of. it feels good to see my life through the eyes of Source. it feels good to feel the presence of Source right there with me, on the leading edge, experiencing what i experience, sharing my life with me. it is truly the greatest Partnership i could ask for :)

love,
phoenix

flowing ideas

it's been a while since i've written, and i feel like a lot has been happening internally this entire year and i haven't really shared much of it. mostly because i'm not quite sure how to put it into words. but often i find that writing clears my mindspace. it's as if the words are jumbled up in my head, floating around and wanting to be expressed in some way, and when i finally put them down on paper (or a screen), they are transported out of my awareness so i no longer need to listen to them jabbering at me.

so i have this homework assignment. oh yeah, did i tell you? i'm back in school! yay! i'm going for Digital Cinema, which is exciting! filmmaking is something i've always wanted to do, and this feels so good to be doing this... to have something tangible to flow my action/creative energy towards. so my homework that i am supposed to be getting done for class tomorrow is simple in theory, but i'm not sure how to go about it. i have to create a story board to accompany a poem that i will be visually interpreting on camera. the poem should not be acted out or directly interpreted, but should leave some mystery and intrigue in the way it is portrayed in the short video. my struggle is that, i am using the poem i wrote last year called "I Am The Summer." (http://treasuresfromthedeep.blogspot.com/2010/08/i-am-summer.html)

the problem, the solution of which i intend to receive, is that the poem is already very blatantly visual. every line is describing a literal object or scenario. the meaning behind the poem is that god/spirit/consciousness/The Movie resides in each and every moment... in every single aspect of every moment... as if it has all been directed and choreographed to be there, in perfect timing and synchronicity. as if it IS a film that we are all playing our part in. so how can i play that idea into a visual expression as the film is being read aloud over the screen shots?

what if i made it about a girl? and you could never quite glimpse her in her entirety, but from what you could catch she seemed beautiful and magical... and then in the final scene, you see her weeping, face-down on the grass, hair covering her head and arms... oooh images are flowing now!

so in the first scene, she is lying in the grass, and there is an extreme close-up, blurred image of her hair on the grass, and a butterfly goes by... and the image slowly comes into focus.

next scene, the girl is seen through the leaves of bushes and trees, running. playing.

next scene, just the girl's hand and arm are seen as she goes around a tree, her hand brushing against the bark.

next: the camera follows a leaf as it flutters down and lands near or on the girl (never seeing her face), who is lying in the grass.... the shot widens and we see....:

next shot: shot widens to find the girl is face-down on the grass, weeping, the leaf clutched in her hand.

ok i'm ready for bed now :D

Dollhouse

i just spent the majority of this weekend watching the TV mini-series "Dollhouse."

what an intense experience.

returning to my "real" life, i find my internal world chaotic and strange to me. it is amazing that a visual story (a movie or a tv show) can evoke such a powerful vibrational effect on a person. i was completely absorbed into the show... i HAD to find out what happened next. i HAD to see it through to the end, even though so much of the show made me feel emotional discomfort and agitation.

i imagine that is how Source feels before entering a physical body. no matter how agitating and uncomfortable some of the physical experiences may be, there is an intrigue that is intoxicating and addictive. the EXPERIENCE is so thrilling, to be feeling so much color and life and diversity of emotion and thought and idea.

i am so glad i watched the entirety of the show. thank god it was only 2 series, or i would have locked myself in my room for days until i finished it!

i'm going to school these days, and i am intending to major in Digital Cinema at the community college i attend. it's amazing how easily that is unfolding for me. i am taking Screenwriting, Intro to Field Production, and Drawing 1. this is perfect for me. it is getting me in the mindset of filmmaking. it is giving me the knowledge and understanding i need in order to make this my career. i am feeling encouraged and supported along this path, and i know that it is taking me in exactly the direction i want to go! there is no need for me to "make" anything happen, because i have this deep, pervasive sensation that everything in that department has already been created and is unfolding perfectly for me and all i am doing is going along for the ride and absorbing information, gaining new perspective.

i am beginning to gain the sense that, if i feel this way about my career path and it is unfolding so easily, then the other aspects of my life that i have been asking for and creating for so long (romantic relationships in particular) are unfolding in the same way and i can just let go and go for the ride.

with school... i had to take a break. after freshman year, i had to leave, because i knew i wasn't doing what i loved, but i wasn't able to recognize and accept and acknowledge that doing what i really love IS possible. it took me 2 years to finally come to the realization that i HAD to be filmmaking, or i would never be happy. it's what i've wanted to do my entire life, since before i could put it into words. i have always wanted to be an actress and i have always wanted to make films. these desires are Divine Inspiration. they are what cause Life Force to flood my very existence.

so perhaps the same goes for romance. taking a break is something i've said i wanted to do, but whenever i do, something or somebody comes in to change my mind. i guess i need to get clear on what i really want and just focus on that and know it is already created for me... the path is laid out. now i just need to be okay with not being "there" today, knowing that i will be eventually.

love.

God is in the Puke

recently i began working as a bartender at a local bar. it's a great job! i make a lot of money on a steady basis, and i'm basically facilitating the good times of everyone who comes in.

last night, however, i had my first puke cleanup.

i was thoroughly grossed-out by the idea of having to do this task, and was putting it off, hoping someone else would pick up the job for me. but i went into the kitchen to put in a load of dishes, and as i was coming out, this phrase came into my mind:

"God is in the puke."

i instantly cracked up, and my resistance to the nasty cleaning job lifted. i put on some rubber gloves and cleaned up that puke like it was nobody's business.

sometimes life just presents itself, and whether we like it or not, we are experiencing it. but it is all the same Stuff. it is all coming from the same Source. it is all coming from and going back to Love.

the best way to feel good about all of it is to remember that it's all Go(o)d.

yes, even puke is part of God.

love,

the phoenix

the Heart's embrace of the entire Universe

this last week, my vibration has sped up so much that i am currently riding on a high and exciting wave of love and appreciation!

and i did this!

i remembered the importance of feeling uncomfortable emotions, and i began asking the emotions what the story was that was creating the feeling. then i recognized that, because the emotion felt uncomfortable, it meant that the story was pointed in the opposite direction of Source. i began gently guiding my story back towards Source.

gradually, my mood began to shift! i've also been listening to Abraham Hicks again, and it is amazing how uplifted and soothed i am by Esther's voice as she speaks as Abraham. i am immediately reminded of my power and the love that surrounds me.

so today i began in hope and optimism, and i recognized it and i just appreciated myself for being there. i stabilized there for a little while, and then i began creeping up the emotional scale. i got myself an iced coffee and chatted with my friend who works at the shop i got it from. it was delicious (i LOVE black iced coffee, and haven't had a cup in a few weeks). then i went to the YMCA (getting a membership there was the best choice i could make for myself) for my first day of kickboxing class! it was so much fun, and i really worked my body hard! it was great. then, immediately afterward, i got to do yoga with my friend who teaches the class. i thought i was going to miss yoga today because the class i usually go to was at the same time as kickboxing, but then i saw my friend walk in and i was like "OMG yoga today?!" and so physically i feel great. then after that, i went to my special tree friend and rampaged so much appreciation all over myself and my life.

then tonight i was texting my friend, and he told me he was feeling a little hungover. so i offered to send him some healing/soothing energy. he agreed, and as i was sending it, i just felt my heart open so wide. it felt amazing. but then i started thinking about some uncomfortable moments and interactions i had had recently that had been bothering me a little bit, and i was still feeling my heart incredibly wide open, and i felt like my heart grew arms and pulled into its loving embrace all of the people i had tried to "push out" of my experience. it felt so good. it still feels good.

it made me realize that that must be what causes friction between people... we "push out" an aspect of ourselves that we have decided isn't worthy of love, and then we see it in other people and we get angry with them or feel hurt by them or judge them in some way. and simultaneously we express in an out-of-balance way that same aspect of ourselves. but the universe consists of everything, and all of it is "worthy" of love! worthiness isn't even a question, because it all IS love and there is no judgement of where the love should go. there is nowhere for it to go, it just is. there is nowhere it cannot be. and so, by embracing these aspects of ourselves, represented by others who have "harmed us," we acknowledge that "i am all of this universe, and i am completely lovable and loved. i love mySelf completely!"

eeeeeee! i feel so good right now! it is so fantastic to be alive!

LOVE!
the phoenix