Wednesday, April 28, 2010


the moon is beautiful right now. perhaps it is because the moon is full that i have been feeling this weird energy for the past couple days.

i like the way it peeks through the silhouette of the tree outside my window. and then the window pane warps and echoes it in a sort of ghostly way.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

the full spectrum

gosh i'm feeling ornery today.

but today, instead of feeling bad for being ornery... and trying to work my way out of it (ie push it out of myself)... i've decided to just sort of feel it, embrace it as a part of me, and observe how it affects my reality and the people around me. so far, i've only interacted with my mom while in this state... so i just told her straight up "i'm ornery, don't talk to me." and she was totally chill about it.

i think we need to be honest with ourselves. we make other people feel like they should feel bad when they are in a bad mood. obviously that only makes matters worse. if we could learn how to communicate when we're in a grumpy mood, and to tell people not to take it personally, that it's just where we're at... a lot of grief would be saved.

i kinda snapped at one of my bosses today. i get a sense that she is feeling more and more overwhelmed, and it's bleeding out into her relationships and her business... i want so much to tell her from an outside perspective what's going on with her, but every time i think about it, it becomes this battle of the ego in my head. i try to come at it from a positive angle, but the more the internal dialogue goes on, the more it becomes "you need to change this, and you need to do that, blah blah blah." then i had to sit down after work today and really wonder to myself why this vibration continues to show up in my reality. it's trying to tell me something. well i asked myself if i've been overbearing and imposing and control-freakish lately. and of course, i have. mostly to my mom. i have a tendency to cut her off when i disagree with her, and attempt to impose my point of view onto her. i now understand more fully how she is feeling when i do that.

i'm coming to understand more fully the notion that each of us contains the full spectrum of human potential. we all have the ability to be sad or angry or overbearing or intimidating, just as we also have the ability to be kind and compassionate and loving and creative and thankful. and everything in-between. we all have it. and when someone else shows it to us, and we push against it, in an attempt to disown it as "wrong," we become self-righteous and we turn into the very thing we are pushing against. so that's why i'm indulging in the ornery right now. i know it won't harm me, i'm just feeling it out. even just accepting it as a part of me and allowing it to exist is creating much more ease than when i try to fight with it. it's amazing. i love being a human. i love being a woman. i love having the ability to reason and contemplate and find understanding within myself. i love where i am. i love the learning experience of life. i love the growth. i love it.

so, thanks boss! i appreciate the growth and learning opportunity you've provided me with today! the universe is now more thanks to our contrasting interaction.

wooooh! ride that wave!


Monday, April 26, 2010

more new ground

it is amazing, the rate at which i am expanding in consciousness these days. i seriously have no idea what kind of place i'll be in next week, because i just may learn something truly profound about myself.

i've been learning about money in particular. i just discovered a dude named Dr. John Demartini. he's accumulated a wealth of knowledge in many areas over the past few decades, and he has a way of pulling examples from his knowledge bank and creating a tangible way of understanding the way things work in the physical world. i've spent the past few months learning about how the energy of it all works. now i'm making a nice segway into the practical application of it all. it's inspired me to understand my values, shift my attitude, and become empowered. i feel great!

here's an interview between him and a lovely woman named lilou mace.

i hope you appreciate his perspective as much as i do! i've already ordered 3 of his books and am looking forward to making profound changes in my life!

loving you all!

Thursday, April 22, 2010


the fear of judgement and the habit of judging others are two sides of the same coin.

i had a big realization this weekend. it had been several months since i'd spent time with true friends; people with whom i can be completely myself. it hit me that the difference between my relationship with say, my boss, and my relationship with my best girlfriend is freedom of expression. now, i'm very blessed to have an awesome boss with whom i can be very friendly. i enjoy working with her because she is a beautiful person. however, in this relationship, certain things on my end must be curtailed in order to maintain the "professional" relationship. it basically boils down to a fear of being fired. and so there is this internal struggle going on with me all the time: did i say something i shouldn't have? should i have done it differently? should i be dressed this way? am i being inappropriate right now?

now that i notice it, the energetic difference is stark. with my friend, i can be, do, and say anything, and i know that she knows i am doing my own thing, and she is doing her own thing, and we love each other, and we inspire each other, and we grow and blossom in our interactions. it is fantastic! so refreshing! i can feel the fullness of my being flooding through me. and when i expressed this to her, in my excitement i apparently started glowing. like literally glowing in the dark!

it was then that i also realized that i am in my element when i am speaking to a group. but what had eventually snuck in to hinder me was the fear of judgement. in high school, enough incidents happened in which i felt that people were judging me, and i began to assume that everyone had these feelings about me (when really it was probably only a small few people who really had any problem with the way i am). i became very insecure and judgemental myself.

therein lies the key: judgement of others is a sort of defense mechanism. we feel judged, and so we look for the things in others that are just as bad or worse than what we feel we are being judged for. and we point them out, and we perhaps feel a little better about ourselves. but not really.

i have learned that the opposite is also true: when we praise another, and recognize their beauty and talent, and we bask in the glow they put out, we are really doing the same for ourselves. it is a healthier form of competition. we see something we like, and we say "hey i could do that. i am beautiful too! i have talents of my own! they may not be the same talents, but i have them and they are awesome! i can glow in that way! i know i can!" we become inspired to express ourselves in the fullness of our being.

and there is nothing like expressing so fully that you glow. it is the most fantastic internal rush of energy. i want to find more ways to be that full expression.

it is my wish for all of you to find your element. find that feeling place of full expression of pure potential. so much can bloom forth from that place. it is what it feels like to be a child again. like things are just beginning. like you've barely scraped the surface and already you've found so much gold you hardly know what to do with it.

this moment is pure potential.
this moment is within me.
the potential is within me.
i am the moment.
i am the potential.


Wednesday, April 21, 2010

that which i am

atoms buzzing frantically
standing still
stoic stone soldiers in the night
a grin of second-hand sunlight
makes ghostly
the fractal expression
under which i stand
is it i who stands?
am i the atoms clumping as molecules
clumping as cells
clumping as tissues
clumping as organs
clumping as body?
am i this clump?
or am i the space between the clumps?
the atoms swim around
changing their minds on a whim
i am the awareness
of the impermanence
the unmoving mover
the ether
i am the moment
i am the sea of thought
through which the atoms swim
i am the essence
i am that
i am.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

थे मोस्ट लोविंग थिंग तो गिवे

grrr that Sanskrit keeps happening! is it Sanskrit or Hindi?

anyway. the title is "the most loving thing to give"

i've been thinking about resistance. by that i mean "resistance to the flow of the universe." we all do it. the universe leads us around, and occasionally we run into things that cause us to say "hey, i don't want this, why do i have to experience this?" and we push against it, and frustratingly enough, as we push against it, it seems to get bigger and more irritating. but then we sort of intuitively figure out that it's just not worth it, and we give up. and suddenly the problem is gone. and we think "well why didn't i do that in the first place?"

but what about when we are noticing other people pushing against the flow? the more we try to tell them to relax, the less relaxed they become. "i can't relax, i've got this problem to deal with!" they say. and we try to tell them "but if you just relax, the problem will go away, i promise you!" and of course they don't believe such nonsense. so they just get more frustrated and push harder.

what i have learned about resistance is that it creates a desire within us. we experience something we don't like, and we automatically know what we want instead (even if it is not verbalized, or acknowledged, we know it on a soul level). and once that desire is birthed within, all it takes is for us to relax and let it in. when we stop pushing against what we don't want, and instead focus on what we do want, what we want is what flows into our experience.

this has been my lesson for a while, but i think i've finally come to the moral of the story. there have been so many times when i look at the people around me who are resisting their experience, and i want to tell them what i've just told you, but they aren't ready to hear it. so i talk and talk, but they just argue and resist more. and then i get frustrated because i want them to feel good, and now i'm in a place of resistance. well what i've come to understand is that the most loving thing i can do is to allow others to have their resistant moments. i have been allowed to birth desires during resistant moments, so why should i rob someone else of their opportunity to do the same? is it more loving to convince someone to be happy or is it more loving to allow that person to grow and learn in their own time and in their own way? i am sure it is the latter. everyone will figure out the trick eventually.

it reminds me of my eighth grade art class. my art teacher was an extraordinarily nice guy. but when a student was struggling with a drawing or painting, he would show them how to improve by drawing or painting right on their project. how can someone learn to draw better if the art teacher is doing it for them? i once had a different art teacher who painted on my water color painting to show me the technique, and i was so upset because it was no longer mine.

my experience is mine. it is the only thing i truly own. no one else can experience my perspective from the inside. no one can really appreciate the growth i have experienced. and likewise, i cannot jump into another person's point of view. i can't tell someone else how to do it, because i have not lived their life.

but of course, i can write these things that i have learned, and perhaps allude to lessons that my readers can learn. but i can't do it for anyone else. i can only live for me. and that is my only responsibility: to live consciously, joyously, freely, and deliberately. that is all anyone should ever take responsibility for.

but you can figure that out on your own.


Sunday, April 11, 2010

making peace with the resistance

lately i've been experiencing a lot of internal resistant vibrations (ie. mental arguments with others, struggles with myself, worries popping up and me having to battle with them). and i realized that the more i fight with myself to think a different way, the bigger the resistance. the sooner i am able to say "ah, i'm being resistant. let's relax and know that i'm getting better and better all the time, and that i have so much time to change myself. there's no need to push myself so hard. there's no need to be frustrated. progress is happening." the sooner i feel more at ease.

i am making peace with the resistance. i know it's there. i know i have been choosing habits of thought that are resistant. but knowing that i can choose differently is all i need to tell myself in order to turn "downstream."

i'm enjoying the contrast around me. it shows me where i need to ease my own inner tensions. it shows me where i can grow. and it makes it easier to appreciate the goodness of life. i love where i am right now.

so, on a different note, anyone who hasn't yet seen Memento needs to go directly to the video store and rent it right now. it is amazing, and after watching it i felt like a different person. the plot is so intensely twisty up until the very end, that my brain literally had to work in a way it never had before. watch it. you'll love it.

i love you kids!

Friday, April 9, 2010

a lot of ornery

i've been ornery lately.

i wonder why? habit of thought blames it on the people around me who are being stupid. but these days, i know that i am the one who is responsible first and foremost. i cannot experience ornery people unless there is orneriness within me.

yesterday i smoked salvia with a friend of mine. i really enjoyed it. when my mind got out of the way, all my body wanted to do was dance. so i got up and did this insanely good belly dance to Thievery Corporation. i was not in control. very fun :)

but then i started to come down and i asked my friend why he wasn't echoed, and he was not responding to me in a way that made sense. so i told him to stop talking.

then he took his hit, and went somewhere else, and came back and he said "did you see this and this and this and this, blah blah blah" and i was like "no..." and he was like "oh, you did it wrong."

that's what pissed me off. that he thought he was right and i was wrong just because our experiences were different.

why is that always the way people think? "my experience is this way. yours is different? vastly different, you say? oh, you must be doing it wrong."

eff that.

we all have different vantage points, and they are all equally valid. no one person can claim to have a better life than another. likewise, no one person can claim to have a worse life than another. there are all things in our experiences which are pleasing and which are unpleasant. but since nobody can jump into another's experience and understand their perspective, nobody can say what is more unpleasant or pleasant for another person.

our own perspective is the only thing we have. it is all we can really go on. it is all we should be focusing on. and since we choose the lens through which we look at our perspective (positive or negative), we don't need to fall victim to it. you observe your experience, and you make an assessment of it (either positive or negative). then, based on the assessment, you offer a response (vibrationally). then, in response to your vibration, your experience shows more and more aspects which are of the offered vibration. for example, you observe something negative, you offer a negative vibration about it, then the universe brings you more of that. and vice versa.

anyway, today is a new day with new things to see and hear and taste and touch and smell. today i am going to do my best to observe as many positive aspects as i can.


Wednesday, April 7, 2010

it's insecurity that messes shit up! (it has nothing to do with sex in particular)

i've come to big realizations over the past couple of days! fantastic breakthroughs, actually.

i've been feeling this out-of-alignment vibration within me, and i've been experiencing rendezvous which have had traces of the same kind of vibration... but i could not for the life of me understand where it was coming from. i have been doing a lot of cleaning-up of my vibration this year, and so far so good! but i finally figured out what was trying to come to the surface.

i was talking to a friend of mine yesterday and i was gonna buy some green goods from him, and i was counting out 20 singles (tips!!!). but i miscounted, and i got way confused and gave up and made him count for me. it was then that i realized i am actually legitimately afraid of doing math. i considered it, and it's true. my heart races, my face gets hot, i get flustered and my mind goes totally freaked-out-blank. this doesn't happen to me with ANYTHING else! not acting on stage, not speaking in public, not snakes, not scorpions, not heights, not swimming. MATH.

AND what's even better! i linked when the fear began with the 3rd grade. it was at this point in my life that i had a BFF, and the friendship was riddled with strife and little-kid-drama. in 3rd grade, we played Around The World a lot. this was a game involving flashcards with multiplication equations and two people would stand up and a flashcard was held up and the person who could solve the problem fastest was the winner, and moved on to the next person. my BFF and her other BFF were very competitive at this game. i was not fast enough. and yes, in hindsight it seems silly that i would link math with girlie drama. but in terms of how the brain works, it makes perfect sense.

the only times i feel insecure about myself are when i feel like i am on the spot to come up with a correct answer (or to do math unexpectedly), and often when i'm around women. i'm getting better at relating to women, but the vibration is still there. i can charm men like nothing. i can walk onstage and recite a monologue from memory like nothing. i can hold a full-grown scorpion in the palm of my hand and not even consider breaking a sweat. but when i'm doing spontaneous math problems, or hanging around women, i get freaked out.

although, you'd never know unless i told you (i'm a scorpio of course).

anyway, i'm glad i've identified what seems to be the root of the problematic vibration. knowing what it is and what it feels like and why i started thinking a certain way is such a relief. i already feel a lot lighter and clearer. i feel like this is the kind of thing that will be easily shifted and then used in ways which positively impact my life.

i'm growing!