Wednesday, April 7, 2010

it's insecurity that messes shit up! (it has nothing to do with sex in particular)

i've come to big realizations over the past couple of days! fantastic breakthroughs, actually.

i've been feeling this out-of-alignment vibration within me, and i've been experiencing rendezvous which have had traces of the same kind of vibration... but i could not for the life of me understand where it was coming from. i have been doing a lot of cleaning-up of my vibration this year, and so far so good! but i finally figured out what was trying to come to the surface.

i was talking to a friend of mine yesterday and i was gonna buy some green goods from him, and i was counting out 20 singles (tips!!!). but i miscounted, and i got way confused and gave up and made him count for me. it was then that i realized i am actually legitimately afraid of doing math. i considered it, and it's true. my heart races, my face gets hot, i get flustered and my mind goes totally freaked-out-blank. this doesn't happen to me with ANYTHING else! not acting on stage, not speaking in public, not snakes, not scorpions, not heights, not swimming. MATH.

AND what's even better! i linked when the fear began with the 3rd grade. it was at this point in my life that i had a BFF, and the friendship was riddled with strife and little-kid-drama. in 3rd grade, we played Around The World a lot. this was a game involving flashcards with multiplication equations and two people would stand up and a flashcard was held up and the person who could solve the problem fastest was the winner, and moved on to the next person. my BFF and her other BFF were very competitive at this game. i was not fast enough. and yes, in hindsight it seems silly that i would link math with girlie drama. but in terms of how the brain works, it makes perfect sense.

the only times i feel insecure about myself are when i feel like i am on the spot to come up with a correct answer (or to do math unexpectedly), and often when i'm around women. i'm getting better at relating to women, but the vibration is still there. i can charm men like nothing. i can walk onstage and recite a monologue from memory like nothing. i can hold a full-grown scorpion in the palm of my hand and not even consider breaking a sweat. but when i'm doing spontaneous math problems, or hanging around women, i get freaked out.

although, you'd never know unless i told you (i'm a scorpio of course).

anyway, i'm glad i've identified what seems to be the root of the problematic vibration. knowing what it is and what it feels like and why i started thinking a certain way is such a relief. i already feel a lot lighter and clearer. i feel like this is the kind of thing that will be easily shifted and then used in ways which positively impact my life.

i'm growing!


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