Tuesday, April 27, 2010

the full spectrum

gosh i'm feeling ornery today.

but today, instead of feeling bad for being ornery... and trying to work my way out of it (ie push it out of myself)... i've decided to just sort of feel it, embrace it as a part of me, and observe how it affects my reality and the people around me. so far, i've only interacted with my mom while in this state... so i just told her straight up "i'm ornery, don't talk to me." and she was totally chill about it.

i think we need to be honest with ourselves. we make other people feel like they should feel bad when they are in a bad mood. obviously that only makes matters worse. if we could learn how to communicate when we're in a grumpy mood, and to tell people not to take it personally, that it's just where we're at... a lot of grief would be saved.

i kinda snapped at one of my bosses today. i get a sense that she is feeling more and more overwhelmed, and it's bleeding out into her relationships and her business... i want so much to tell her from an outside perspective what's going on with her, but every time i think about it, it becomes this battle of the ego in my head. i try to come at it from a positive angle, but the more the internal dialogue goes on, the more it becomes "you need to change this, and you need to do that, blah blah blah." then i had to sit down after work today and really wonder to myself why this vibration continues to show up in my reality. it's trying to tell me something. well i asked myself if i've been overbearing and imposing and control-freakish lately. and of course, i have. mostly to my mom. i have a tendency to cut her off when i disagree with her, and attempt to impose my point of view onto her. i now understand more fully how she is feeling when i do that.

i'm coming to understand more fully the notion that each of us contains the full spectrum of human potential. we all have the ability to be sad or angry or overbearing or intimidating, just as we also have the ability to be kind and compassionate and loving and creative and thankful. and everything in-between. we all have it. and when someone else shows it to us, and we push against it, in an attempt to disown it as "wrong," we become self-righteous and we turn into the very thing we are pushing against. so that's why i'm indulging in the ornery right now. i know it won't harm me, i'm just feeling it out. even just accepting it as a part of me and allowing it to exist is creating much more ease than when i try to fight with it. it's amazing. i love being a human. i love being a woman. i love having the ability to reason and contemplate and find understanding within myself. i love where i am. i love the learning experience of life. i love the growth. i love it.

so, thanks boss! i appreciate the growth and learning opportunity you've provided me with today! the universe is now more thanks to our contrasting interaction.

wooooh! ride that wave!


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