Saturday, June 8, 2013


Somehow I found the crack.  I'm remembering.  Thank God.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

God is in the space between

Between people.  Between things.  Between moments.  Between thoughts.

It is so easy and habitual to get caught up in the constant stimulation of the mental experience.  Before you know it, life has swept you up in a whirlwind of stories and emotions.  It takes awareness and patience to practice a continual steadiness in the Between Space.  I don't think I'm entirely ready to give up the excitement of the mental whirlwind.  I'm afraid of spending too much time in the Between Space.  I'm afraid of becoming a really shitty actress if I give up on the mental drama that I experience on a near daily basis.

I'm scared to let go of this personality that I've identified with over so many years of human life.  What if the Between Space obliterates me?  What if I become some boring and empty monk-like non-functional alien, cut off from all human experience and emotion?  I would rather suffer a little bit every day than live a boring life!  I am so afraid of enlightenment being boring.

Maybe my enlightenment will be unique and interesting and exciting.  I suppose it would have to be.  I don't think God could possibly get bored.  Maybe I have a very small idea of what it is to be God in a body.  I'd like to let go of that idea, because it seems to be perpetuating unnecessary suffering and resistance.

Everything will be okay.


Friday, May 17, 2013

The habit is to fight myself.  I'd like to let that go now.  I'm the only one I'll ever be with for the entirety of my life.  Why do I need to fight me?  That can only lead to grudges down the line.

Friday, May 10, 2013


So here I am, just beginning to feel drowsy again at 2:37 in the morning.  This afternoon I got home early from work and immediately passed out, staying asleep for a solid 5 hours.  During these hours I had profound dreams of beautiful release - grudges were allowed to be gone from my body.  I dreamed that a man I had felt belittled by and defensive towards confessed deeply painful experiences he was harboring, and I held him as he cried in my arms.  I dreamed that the moon was a glowing Goddess I called Khali and she spoke to me kindly.  I dreamed angrily that my mom was trying to intrude upon my space and in the midst of physically resisting her entry (both of us pushing on opposite sides of my bedroom door), realized what I was doing and let go.  I still put up arms as if to box with her, but I awoke before it came to blows.

Now I'm sitting in my living room, listening to my downstairs neighbors have raucous sex and feeling the house shake with their orgasm.  It sounds like great fun they're having.  I hope sex can be that fun for me someday.  The thought of it sends erotic pulsations through my body, so I know that something wants to wake up.  All in good time, I suppose.  Nothing good is ever done in haste.

The guidance I am getting is that I just need to relax and let God inhabit my body.  I suppose that by distinguishing myself from God is the very thing that keeps that inhabitation from occurring immediately.  I'll let You in when I'm good and ready, ok?

I know that things are happening under the surface.  Shifting, moving things.  Emotions are flowing and I am more sensitive than ever.  Any little bit of resistance on my part is noticed quickly and I am becoming so appreciative of my emotions as guidance signals.  I very easily turned down a job offer that seemed in theory to be a good move, but which didn't feel very good to me at all, even before the interview was conducted.  When I trust these feelings and follow their guidance, they become ever clearer to me and I find them to be more and more helpful.  I am getting more into the flow.

The deeper I go into my body, the more I find myself able to relax.  It's a truly wonderful sensation.  I'm so thankful for this knowing that is finally seeping into me.


Tuesday, May 7, 2013

From whom all blessings flow

So much emotion is swimming through me these days.  Right now in particular, I'm finding it difficult to solidify the feelings into words and cohesion.

For so long I have clung to an archaic idea of passion and "love."  However, in contrast to the blissful calm and serenity I had been experiencing lately, this "passion" feels horrible.  I feel like I'm being tossed about on the waves of internal dialogue, telling so-and-so all the things I'll never be able to say to him out loud.  Imagining all the ways in which we could interact romantically, and then trying so hard to hold it all back, knowing that he doesn't want the same from me.  What a chaotic vibration!

I'm becoming ready to let it all smooth out again.  How wonderful it is to become so clear that when something old and out-of-whack arises, it is very obvious and easy to feel, and quick to resolve.

Everything is going right for me, and I do have the power to weather this storm.  It will pass, and I can feel it ebbing already.  I am cared for and Loved beyond any human capacity to imagine, and every chance I get I want to let in a little bit more of that.

God, thank you for this knowing.  Thank you for this day of ease and prayers answered.  The burger was delicious!


Monday, April 15, 2013


Something has finally clicked for me in a big way, and since I haven't written in a while I think it is appropriate to reintroduce myself as the new creature that I am.

Since January, many things have changed in my life.  I moved to a new town, in an apartment of my own.  I've been working and taking my acting classes and creating and loving.  I've been having movie nights every week, and I've been making new friends, and deepening the friendships I already had.  I quit facebook and dove deeper into myself.  My relationship with God became more real, and I'm finding my life becoming easier and more enjoyable every day.  My happiness has increased, my money is flowing more freely, and I sleep really well every night.

But the most important thing that has just unfolded within the last week is my worthiness.  Today I discovered I'm worth something.  Not just something, but everything.  I am worth the entire Universe.  The whole thing.  Not just a little slice of it, or a corner, or a box full.  I am worth all of everything.

I quit my job today.  During the month and a half that I worked there, it was made very clear to me that I was considered replaceable.  I didn't quite put my finger on it that way until today though, and once I did, the choice to leave was easy.  Let me tell you right now:  I am really fucking good at what I do.  It doesn't even matter what it is I'm doing, give me some time to learn it, memorize it, practice it and I will rock that shit.  And I was just getting to the point where I was rocking the shit out of that job.  But it became apparent to me that my job didn't care as much about pleasing me as I did about pleasing it.  Every time I thought I'd succeeded particularly well, the feedback I got was that it wasn't good enough. It could always be better.  You stupid idiot, why didn't you do it this way?

But I understand something now, or at least I'm beginning to see it this way;  all of that feedback was my own internal dialogue just playing on a record for me to hear.  And now that I hear it, I want to rail against it!  "I'm better than you even understand, you fools!  I fucking rock, and you can't even see it!  Fuck this shit, I deserve to be appreciated for what I'm bringing to the table, because believe me, I am bringing a hell of a lot more than you can even see.  You don't even know what you're losing."  This new inner dialogue is me gaining power.  It's not that I need anyone at my job to validate me.  I just need to own it enough to recognize that I deserve so much more than I've allowed myself to believe or accept.  I have been settling for what I thought I could scrounge up, making do and resenting it the whole time.  But I deserve a life that rocks in every fucking possible way!  I deserve a kickass boyfriend and a fun-filled day every day I'm alive.  I deserve to laugh loudly everywhere I go.  I deserve the freedom to be my loud, brazen, obnoxious and lovable self all day every day.  I deserve to be rich and famous, and I deserve to enjoy the physical pleasures that life brings in abundance.  I deserve these things, and nothing those shitheads (hehe) say matters or affects that one bit because they just don't know.  They're feeling like shit because they don't know about themselves what I now know about me.  They have no idea how fun and wonderful it could be if they just made that choice.  They think they've been forced into a shitty life with shitty circumstances and that there is no way out of the shit that's around them because everything is just shit.  Well that's just bullshit and I refuse to believe it!

Life is grandeur and pleasure and fun.  Life is laughing and playing and singing and sleeping.  Life is getting sunburned while napping in a cemetery.  Life is watching a plant grow.  Life is breathing in the spring breeze through a window while the heater whispers sweet nothings.  Life is working at a shitty taco bar and realizing your own self worth and taking that shit and running with it.  I am going far, people.  You heard it here first.  I am going places and you are all invited to come with me.  This world would not be the same without me, and I know you all know it.  Let's all decide to own that about ourselves.  Fuck what anyone else thinks or told us in the past.  We are kickass and all the Debbie Downers can suck our dicks!

Fuck yeah!


Monday, January 14, 2013

first post of the new year

It's been a while since I sat down and just wrote.  A lot has been unfolding, inside and out.  I was hibernating for several weeks, as has become traditional for me over the last few winters.  I succumbed to it, and even enjoyed it for the most part.  The low energy, lots of sleeping, very little exercise... it was an indulgence for a while, but eventually I began to grow restless.  That's when I knew I needed to start living again.

So I got a job in a new town, and have lined up an apartment there.  It's a cute little place that I really look forward to decorating and living in.  I've never lived out on my own before, and the melange of emotions tumbling through my body is fascinating.  Excitement mixed with sadness, anxiety, determination, focus, and the tiniest bit of uncertainty.  This is probably the best state of being that could possibly be.  I'm on the brink of new things, and I am loving this.

I can feel that it's all working out for me, so even in moments when I get frustrated or worried, I find it easy to step back and let go and trust the unfolding of all the Good.  It's all worked out so far, even in the times when I've doubted it.  Everything eventually worked out for me, so now I figure I might as well enjoy waiting for it to work out rather than worry and freak out about the timing of it all.

I used to say things like this to try and convince myself that they're true.  Nowadays, I don't really think about trying to be "right" or "positive" or whatever.  I'm just saying "Yes" to everything that comes my way, and "fuck it" to the things I'm worried about.  I guess this is why I haven't been writing much lately.  There's nothing I feel like I need to "teach" or share because I know everyone will figure it all out on their own.  I did.  And I think it's best to do it that way, because then we have our own individual experience and connection to Life, rather than a pre-digested formula for how to live.  Me, I prefer to just go balls to the wall, fuck up royally, and learn from it, then go at it from a different angle the next time.  Or the same one again until I get the point.

Needless to say, I'm having lots more fun being free like this than I was before when I tried to keep all those rules in mind.  You know, those rules you're supposed to follow if you're trying to be "spiritual."  They're bullshit rules, and I have decided to break them all just for the fun of it.  I'll do things my way, thank you very much.