Monday, April 15, 2013


Something has finally clicked for me in a big way, and since I haven't written in a while I think it is appropriate to reintroduce myself as the new creature that I am.

Since January, many things have changed in my life.  I moved to a new town, in an apartment of my own.  I've been working and taking my acting classes and creating and loving.  I've been having movie nights every week, and I've been making new friends, and deepening the friendships I already had.  I quit facebook and dove deeper into myself.  My relationship with God became more real, and I'm finding my life becoming easier and more enjoyable every day.  My happiness has increased, my money is flowing more freely, and I sleep really well every night.

But the most important thing that has just unfolded within the last week is my worthiness.  Today I discovered I'm worth something.  Not just something, but everything.  I am worth the entire Universe.  The whole thing.  Not just a little slice of it, or a corner, or a box full.  I am worth all of everything.

I quit my job today.  During the month and a half that I worked there, it was made very clear to me that I was considered replaceable.  I didn't quite put my finger on it that way until today though, and once I did, the choice to leave was easy.  Let me tell you right now:  I am really fucking good at what I do.  It doesn't even matter what it is I'm doing, give me some time to learn it, memorize it, practice it and I will rock that shit.  And I was just getting to the point where I was rocking the shit out of that job.  But it became apparent to me that my job didn't care as much about pleasing me as I did about pleasing it.  Every time I thought I'd succeeded particularly well, the feedback I got was that it wasn't good enough. It could always be better.  You stupid idiot, why didn't you do it this way?

But I understand something now, or at least I'm beginning to see it this way;  all of that feedback was my own internal dialogue just playing on a record for me to hear.  And now that I hear it, I want to rail against it!  "I'm better than you even understand, you fools!  I fucking rock, and you can't even see it!  Fuck this shit, I deserve to be appreciated for what I'm bringing to the table, because believe me, I am bringing a hell of a lot more than you can even see.  You don't even know what you're losing."  This new inner dialogue is me gaining power.  It's not that I need anyone at my job to validate me.  I just need to own it enough to recognize that I deserve so much more than I've allowed myself to believe or accept.  I have been settling for what I thought I could scrounge up, making do and resenting it the whole time.  But I deserve a life that rocks in every fucking possible way!  I deserve a kickass boyfriend and a fun-filled day every day I'm alive.  I deserve to laugh loudly everywhere I go.  I deserve the freedom to be my loud, brazen, obnoxious and lovable self all day every day.  I deserve to be rich and famous, and I deserve to enjoy the physical pleasures that life brings in abundance.  I deserve these things, and nothing those shitheads (hehe) say matters or affects that one bit because they just don't know.  They're feeling like shit because they don't know about themselves what I now know about me.  They have no idea how fun and wonderful it could be if they just made that choice.  They think they've been forced into a shitty life with shitty circumstances and that there is no way out of the shit that's around them because everything is just shit.  Well that's just bullshit and I refuse to believe it!

Life is grandeur and pleasure and fun.  Life is laughing and playing and singing and sleeping.  Life is getting sunburned while napping in a cemetery.  Life is watching a plant grow.  Life is breathing in the spring breeze through a window while the heater whispers sweet nothings.  Life is working at a shitty taco bar and realizing your own self worth and taking that shit and running with it.  I am going far, people.  You heard it here first.  I am going places and you are all invited to come with me.  This world would not be the same without me, and I know you all know it.  Let's all decide to own that about ourselves.  Fuck what anyone else thinks or told us in the past.  We are kickass and all the Debbie Downers can suck our dicks!

Fuck yeah!


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