Saturday, June 25, 2011

What Would Maude Do?

i just finished watching Harold and Maude again. i've seen it so many times, but every time is like the first time. i catch a new insight, a new feeling, a new glimpse into what life could be if i would decide that it was important enough to make it that way.

my primary desire in life: to LIVE life in the way Maude teaches Harold to live.

my second desire in life: to CREATE a movie that affects people (and myself) in the way this movie affects me. there is no greater work of art than one that can create such a flood of glorious emotion, Unnamed and Powerful. leaving the witness feeling raw, invigorated, shaken, uplifted, and swollen with the desire to LIVE LIFE in the way it is supposed to be lived.

this movie fills me with more inspiration and fuel than any self-help book or 12-step program. because it FEELS so REAL and possible! it feels like Maude is just an older version of myself, and Harold is me where i am, and i am showing myself the way to my own Kingdom.

the movie finishes with me pouring out emotion through my face and chest, reveling in the immensity and beauty of the pure energy that i feel. it is magnificent to be alive, and i MUST take action TODAY to live my life in Maude's Image.

that would be a wonderful tattoo: What Would Maude Do?

perfect for the inner wrist. i've been trying to come up with a short phrase to go on the inside of my right wrist (the left is taken up by the Czech Lion) to remind me to let go and be free and easy in my life. i think that is a lovely line of thinking... perhaps a better phrasing will come to mind.

i love feeling this awake!


pruning a thorny rose bush

it seems to be so easy for old habits to creep back in, like a thorny weed overgrowing a garden. today i was trimming a plant. it was in our back yard and my dad had thought it was a weed and trimmed it back, and when he did so, it began to flower. so he re-planted it in our front garden so it would grow up the side of our house. it is incredibly vigorous though, and after only a couple of weeks, there were thorny, grabby shoots reaching out into our driveway. i trimmed a lot of the branches off completely, hoping to re-direct the plant's energy into the shoots that were reaching up the house.

i suppose one must treat the mind like a plant in this way. there are thorns and if you allow it to grow unruly, they will grab at you and get stuck to you and you will have a harder time trimming it and keeping it directed in the way you like. but if you do regular maintenance, it will grow in the way you want, and you won't be grabbed by prickers reaching in the wrong direction. the emotions tell you which direction the mind is growing in; negative emotion indicates that the mind is growing away from Who You Truly Are, and positive, loving emotions indicate that the mind is growing towards Who You Truly Are. soon, with the right pruning and nurturing, you will have a beautiful flowering creation that displays your care and attention.

paying attention to the mind as well as the emotions is important. it becomes an art form, and i feel like i am in kindergarten using crayons and coloring books! but we all have to start somewhere, so the best i can do is act like a kindergartener and just laugh at everything. everything's gonna be alright.


Wednesday, June 22, 2011

stretching the heart

pain is the experience of the heart stretching open to receive more love. pain is when the heart has been small and stiff for a long time, but the time comes for enormous amounts of love to flow through. at first, in a massage, there is pain where the knots have accumulated and are kneeded out by a loving masseuse. after the knots have softened and relaxed (released resistance), the massage is able to penetrate the tissue to deep levels. love may hurt at first, especially if one has closed the heart to it for so long. but once the heart has been pummeled with the force of it, Love is able to penetrate the tissues, physical and etherial.

i intend to let go and allow the penetration, though it may hurt at first. it may burn and sting and ache. it does. it won't forever though. i trust that eventually, this enormous amount of love that wants to flow through me will feel like bliss. for now it feels mildly uncomfortable, and that is progress. there was a time when it felt incredibly painful and i couldn't handle it. it was heavy and intense and i couldn't share it with anyone around me, because they were closed-off, too.

today, things are different. this powerful River of Love has blasted my heart open, and is ever-expanding me and my capacity for love. it is intense, and i have resisted much. but the more i experience the pain of resisting my own Love, the more i understand the importance of releasing and allowing. the easier it becomes to find the eye of the storm. the more i am able to trust what my feelings are telling me and the direction in which i need to focus.

i'm going to be okay. i'll be better than okay. the more i get the hang of this, the more fun i have in life. that is the whole point: to have fun. i'm getting this, and i'm going to be great. i am great. everything is wonderful.


the end of a chapter titled "A Kite in a Tempest."

yes this chapter is closed. relationships, however brief or longterm, are chapters that all have endings. the pain comes from trying to continue the chapter beyond its end point.

this most recent chapter was turbulent, full of tension between my heart's truest Knowing, and my mind trying to convince itself that this was what i wanted. in the end, i could not ignore my heart any further. and after the end, i waded through a mire of discordant emotion resulting from the mind's attempt at continuing the chapter.

i have ended it in a clean way, with blessings all around. i am ready to write the new chapter of my life's story, whatever it may contain, and whatever my character may learn and experience.

i know what i deserve in a true-love relationship, and i know what my heart feels like when it knows this is "not it." so i am sure i will know when i know "this is it."

i am not going back to the old and painful dramatic writing of previous relationships. i have a deep, conscious, powerful heart connection being prepared for me, and i am ready and willing to wait for it to cook in the ethers. in the meantime, i am gonna have some fun and continue letting go and allowing the All to open my heart wide.


Tuesday, June 21, 2011

the importance of focus

as humans, with limited perspective and control over the way life works, we have one job.

focus the mind in the right direction.

this is all we truly have control over in life. people, places, events come and go. emotions come and go. things come and go. we have one choice we must make at every turn in the road, and that is "shall i look at this situation in a way that makes me feel a little better or a little worse?"

this is the most powerful choice anyone can make. and without focus, it is easy to make this choice by default. i've found myself lacking focus lately, and i've noticed that it truly affects the outcome of any situation in my life. when you consciously make the choice to think about things in a way that feels a little better, it keeps you open to possibilities. it allows things to come in. it allows your awareness to alight upon ideas that may have been out of reach had you chosen to think otherwise.

i am glad i am coming back to my powerful place of focus. i'm glad i chose to de-rail my own train for a little while, because it just reinforces my understanding of how good it feels to be on-track. it gives me power while the physical world around me shifts and changes. it gives me my sealegs back.

focus is very much like sea legs because while the waves and winds of the physical world toss and turn your boat around, you have stability in this moment now. and you know what you can do next, and you don't panic.

this is the simplest key to living the life of one's dreams, and it is funny that i forgot its importance. but i'm glad i'm remembering, and i'm glad i'm taking up the reigns again. this feels good :)

Thursday, June 16, 2011

i am Creator

i am letting go of burdens i once thought i needed to carry.

i am allowing myself to be stretched open by the vastness of Cosmic Penetration.

i am letting the layers of fabric that have been thrown over me in embarrassment and shame, be stripped from me to reveal my naked and quivering flesh.

i am opening my mouth wide and sucking the orgasm from Life's enormous dick. the cum is sweet and thirst-quenching, and the afterglow is heady and smells of early summer.

i am donning my cape and flying around the world, performing miracles and breathing life into that which was once thought to be dead.

i am alighting upon a hillside and surrendering all guises and asking a Tree to show me the Way. finding my questions silently answered, and my worries deeply soothed from below and above, i give Thanks, and frolic home to find more trouble to get into.

i am remembering that all the experience is Perfection, and it is because i am exploring an infinitely-faceted diamond that i feel the peaks and planes. if i wanted to feel only one feeling, i would explore a crystal ball. but that would be a different thing altogether, now wouldn't it?

i am feeling my heart open wide to hug my lover, my Father, my Mother, my Friend, my Self.

i am caught in a third-person sensation as i artfully butter my english muffin, and catch mySelf gazing lovingly through my eyes at the human that i wear every day. she is so adorable. i love her, sweet thing.


the phoenix burns herself alive.

the Phoenix burns. her Self: Alive.

the Phoenix burns herself to life

the phoenix burns herself a life

the phoenix burns herself alive.

Friday, June 10, 2011

the phoenix burns herself alive

it has been a while since i updated this blog... and much has happened and unfolded in my experience. the most prominent manifestation is a new relationship, which has proven to be an incredible catalyst for metamorphosis.

for as long as i can remember, i have been carrying some of the heaviest energy around with regards to relationships. longing, unworthiness, pain, and fear are just some descriptors that don't really begin to nail down the feelings i have carried. i don't know where or why i picked up these vibrations, but it's been a long and beautiful experience to uncover them and cast them into the Void from which they came.

every relationship i've had in the past has been fleeting and shallow for one main reason: the man i was with didn't understand the energy that i was carrying needed to be burned away. when the old and heavy emotions began to rise to the surface and be felt, they freaked out and ran away. i had to burn off a lot of that stuff on my own, and that was perfect. since beginning this new relationship, i've experienced an immense amount of emotional baggage being ripped through me. like a wildfire clearing out the old brush of a forest, to make way for new saplings and undergrowth, this new love roared through me and i could do nothing but break down and cry from pain and relief.

and what's best about this? he hasn't run away. he hasn't cringed. he hasn't taken it personally. he just smiles and tells me "i'm here to support you." and while i cry and cry, breaking apart layers and layers of old exoskeleton that has needed shedding for eons, he just witnesses so lovingly.

so while i am screamed at and reprimanded and warned by the bits of my mind that are attached to the exoskeleton, i will stand with love in the center of the metamorphosis and know that all is well, and know that man is exactly who i have asked for. he has already proven beyond the shadow of a doubt that he can handle me. and now all i can do is allow myself to burn. i will be resurrected, brighter and more glorious than i ever was before. and he will be there to witness me.