Friday, June 10, 2011

the phoenix burns herself alive

it has been a while since i updated this blog... and much has happened and unfolded in my experience. the most prominent manifestation is a new relationship, which has proven to be an incredible catalyst for metamorphosis.

for as long as i can remember, i have been carrying some of the heaviest energy around with regards to relationships. longing, unworthiness, pain, and fear are just some descriptors that don't really begin to nail down the feelings i have carried. i don't know where or why i picked up these vibrations, but it's been a long and beautiful experience to uncover them and cast them into the Void from which they came.

every relationship i've had in the past has been fleeting and shallow for one main reason: the man i was with didn't understand the energy that i was carrying needed to be burned away. when the old and heavy emotions began to rise to the surface and be felt, they freaked out and ran away. i had to burn off a lot of that stuff on my own, and that was perfect. since beginning this new relationship, i've experienced an immense amount of emotional baggage being ripped through me. like a wildfire clearing out the old brush of a forest, to make way for new saplings and undergrowth, this new love roared through me and i could do nothing but break down and cry from pain and relief.

and what's best about this? he hasn't run away. he hasn't cringed. he hasn't taken it personally. he just smiles and tells me "i'm here to support you." and while i cry and cry, breaking apart layers and layers of old exoskeleton that has needed shedding for eons, he just witnesses so lovingly.

so while i am screamed at and reprimanded and warned by the bits of my mind that are attached to the exoskeleton, i will stand with love in the center of the metamorphosis and know that all is well, and know that man is exactly who i have asked for. he has already proven beyond the shadow of a doubt that he can handle me. and now all i can do is allow myself to burn. i will be resurrected, brighter and more glorious than i ever was before. and he will be there to witness me.


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