Monday, May 31, 2010

70 posts!

this is my 70th post. cool.

i don't know what to write about!

i went hiking with my parents and my sister today. i kept hopping out of the vortex and mixing it up with my mom. she still thinks she can control me. it's funny. she tells me to do something, or stop doing something, and i just say "no!" and she can't do anything. maybe it's a little "immature" but it feels empowering to me. there are a lot of things i want to do in this world, and if people just tell me to not do something for no reason, i'm always going to choose what i want to do. i'm done with being bossed around. i'm free to make my choices in this life. i am free to be and do what i want.

i'm so excited for my summer trip. i am looking forward to meeting loads of new people and learning and growing from them. i have no idea what i am about to run into! so much happens in such short amounts of time, who knows what will unfold between now and when i leave. who knows what will happen between now and bonnaroo? who knows what will occur between bonnaroo and my birthday?? so much time to span, and so much land to explore and so many people to meet and so much love to spread!


i love life. it's becoming more and more glorious every day. i love the unfoldment of it all. and i love that if one day goes by that isn't as glorious as i want it to be, there is always the next day and the next day and the next day and the next day..... eternity is a long time. infinity is a big number. it's incomprehensible. there's nothing standing between me and tomorrow. there's nothing in this world that can harm me. sure, there may be physical things that could physically break my container. but i am more than my container, and if this one breaks i'll just find a new one. and that will be fun! i love life, and i'm so thankful for every moment i am experiencing. i am learning to appreciate every moment more and more and more, and it's getting easier and easier to focus on the feeling of happiness. it's getting easier to find that sense of eager purposefulness.

well, i'm tired for some reason. probably because i have a magazine to create and i haven't even started on the physical action of it. i have some ideas sort of nebulously floating in my mind, but i just need to sit down and focus my creative energy into doing it. my first issue happened like that. most of my projects and things happen like that. i have a deadline, and i put it off and put it off until the last minute, and then i get a flood of creative energy and i get it all done in a day or less. and it's glorious. i always do better work when i'm just sitting down and doing it all at once. i feel more focused and intentional. if i'm spacing out my work, often (depending on the project) it doesn't turn out as good as if i do it in the midst of an intense burst of creativity. it sucks for college though, because if you've got 3 papers all due within a day of each other, that's a lot of "bursts" that you have to try to have. and that's not quite the same as suddenly feeling the urge to get something done, and sitting down and completing it in no time.

i'm looking forward to going back to school next spring. it's gonna be fun!

blip blop bloop!


[edit: this is no longer my 70th post. i deleted the previous post because the photos weren't showing up. bummer. oh well, 69 is better than 70 anyway ;)]

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

creativity, bonnaroo, and other loveliness

i have had the most wonderful flow of creative energy lately. i love it so much. i made two paintings today! and i just finished carving a face into sculpey clay, from which i am creating a mold. then i'm going to make glass and silver castings of it, which i will turn into jewelry!

yesterday i sold another subscription to my magazine. i had a fantastic day yesterday.

things are getting better and better! i must be in a state of allowing, because i saw two people today that i've been wanting to see for a while! i want to make tomorrow even more awesome than today and yesterday and the day before and the day before have been. oh my goodness, i have been having such a great week! i can't express it enough!

i'm getting very excited about BONNAROO! the universe has cooked up something wonderful for me, and i am loving the unfoldment of it! today i had a strange moment. i was writing in my journal, and i suddenly wanted to look something up online... but then i picked up my iPod touch to do so, but then just as suddenly i forgot what it was i wanted to look up. i had a feeling i should just go to the bonnaroo website and see if something new was there... and what do you know! a contest to win 2 tickets to bonnaroo, and press passes and a video camera with which to interview the music artists! ace! it's mine, i just know it. hello to the b-roo/wired rep who's reading this now saying "haha, word!" thanks for picking me :D

i love all of you, and i hope you are having as much fun as i am!

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

a beautiful day in the neighborhood

i decided that today is a perfect day to do a photo blog post! i spent the whole day having fun and finding lovely things to photograph. it was wonderful! i'm going to do this more often.


Saturday, May 22, 2010

can't sleep, must write!

it's been one of those nights.... i experienced so much stimulating interaction with people today that my thoughts are flying through my mind at a thousand miles an hour, and i want to go to sleep, but my thoughts are keeping me way too awake.

so i figured the best thing to do to slow them down and ease my mind would be to get them out of my head and into writing.

i had a long (and rather loud) conversation about sex tonight. i don't even remember how it started, but it ended up involving everyone at the party that i was at, and concluded with a guy accusing me of being a sexaholic. which is frustrating a little bit.... because i know that i'm not a sexaholic. i believe a sexaholic is someone who is so addicted to the physical sensations of sexual stimulation that they no longer derive pleasure from the activity, they just want to have the stimulation as often as possible, and it doesn't matter from whom they are receiving the stimulation. for me, it is the exact opposite. i have found that i have such a passionate interest in the topic of sex. not just having sex, but the subject itself... i love to talk about it, learn about it, read about it, think about it.... it's fascinating to me. everyone has a subject that is purely fascinating to them, and that they love talking about more than anything in the world. but because society has placed so much prude stigma around the subject of sex, then i must be a sexaholic if i'm talking about it so much. what a silly notion!

oh yeah, now i remember how the conversation started... i was suggesting that what this world needs is REAL sexual education. like, HOW to have sex, and how to be sexual and embrace your sexual beingness. it is natural for every single one of us to be sexual in everything we do. not that we are looking for orgasm in everything we do, but that from the very beginning we are deriving pleasure from our experience. and that sexually charged experiencing of life is trained out of us at an early age, because we are told that it is not normal. that normal people are reserved and jaded. we don't express joy for life, because if you do you're weird. you're even considered a loser if you have joy for life. if you enjoy frollicking, you are cast aside as a weirdo. and so we glean this from our environment, and then we embody the toned-down experience (the boring, lifeless, zombified experience of the day-to-day drone lifestyle). and we lose our sexuality. we lose our ability to truly enjoy the sexual experience, because we have lost our ability to derive pleasure from the tiniest sensation. we are desensitized in every sense of the word.

so i am not a sexaholic. no. i am a lifeaholic. i am an appreciationaholic. i am a pleasureaholic. and if that means i'm a sexaholic, then so be it! i love sex! alcoholics don't love alcohol. they consume it to forget the guilt they have for needing it in the first place. there is a different psychology going on here.

i love love love love LOVE SEX! and i have now come to understand that it must be one of my purposes here on this earth, to demonstrate sexual liberation, and spread it to others. in the future, i am sure i will be teaching young children about sex and how it is a beautiful and natural part of their existence. and i will be encouraging them to explore themselves, and even eachother. and i know that's quite radical in this day and age. but i don't care. jesus was quite radical in his day and age too. but luckily, things are speeding up so quickly that i won't have to wait 2000 years for people to start catching on to my message. it'll probably catch on within 50 to 60 years. and that's enough time to form an entire generation of sexually liberated young adults, who will be raising sexually liberated young children, and so on.

it is so strange... although i suppose it is only strange because i have been raised to believe that people my age shouldn't be having children.... but i want to have children. like, right now. i mean, i suppose not right this second, although yeah kinda. it's a feeling i've always had. i've always wanted to have the experience of being pregnant and raising a little one with ideals and understandings that i think are healthy and conducive to creating an independent human being. although, i always knew that "i'm way too young, there are things i want to do with my life, i could never raise a child right now, i wouldn't be able to handle it, it's too much of a responsibility, my life would take such a different direction, blah blah blah." and part of me still thinks that way, but there is a part of me that is growing quite rapidly that says "i know i would be an amazing mother, and i know that the experience of pregnancy and mothering would be so life changing and beneficial, and i would relish the entire experience and gain so much from it. i think i could do it now if it happened that way."

not to say i'm trying to get preggo today. i'm just saying, if it happened today, i would rejoice.

anyway. i think my mind has blown its load and i can go to sleep now.


Thursday, May 13, 2010

promoting my product :D

hey everybody, i know it's been a minute since my last update.

i'm here to promote my newest product: Illuminated Mag. it's my art/enlightenment 'zine, and i have hard copies on sale now! go here:

all proceeds go to me creating more and more and more! thank you so much for supporting me by reading my stuff and investing in this project of mine :) one day, it will be a world-renowned magazine, and then i'll be so famous that you will be able to sell your original "vintage" copies for lots of $$$$$!

anyway, it's bedtime.


Thursday, May 6, 2010


my dog died today. a very bittersweet occurrence. she was very old, and recently i started seeing that glimmer of young dog spirit in her eyes... i would let her off her leash and she would romp around the back yard all excited... but her body was too old, and only a minute or so of this kind of activity would throw her into an asthma attack.

so this morning, on my way to the bathroom upstairs, i heard her having an attack. i thought to her "Niki, why don't you just die? you won't have to go through this anymore..." and about half an hour later i heard my mom call my dad at work to tell him she'd gone. my heart leapt and i felt so thankful. and then i went downstairs and saw her body slumped over, foam dripping from her mouth, eyes still open... and i felt sad knowing that i wouldn't be able to play with her anymore.

but the truth is, we haven't been able to play with Niki for a while. her body had become so old and in pain that we couldn't even walk her for more than a block. we used to live in the country, and there she could run free and chase deer and explore. i think Niki died a few years ago really... when her body stopped getting the exercise and love that it needed to be healthy.

it's really been making me think about life. what am i doing? why do i spend so much of my time sedentary, looking at my facebook page or just wasting my time in general? why do we distract ourselves from our lives so much, instead of actually going out and experiencing things? we make excuses: oh, there's nothing to do in this town. let's just smoke pot and play video games and in the morning we'll go to our cubicles and file papers and text our friends about how bored we are.... then we'll come home and drink a beer, and watch a "reality" TV show. time for a cigarette break.

how is it that we have all become so disempowered?

is it that we've ignored Who We Are for so long that the weight of everything is so suffocating that we feel paralyzed by the weight of it all? i've been there. it nearly killed me. but if it's so much of an effort to be here, why not MAKE THE EFFORT? why not? what else is there? 80 years of boredom and unfulfillment? i'd rather die tomorrow than draw out the pain. that's why i was so thankful that Niki died today. It was heartbreaking to watch her be so bored and unable to do anything about it. i've been wanting her to die for months.

there are a lot worse things than death. boredom is one of them. unfulfilled potential is another. in fact, i think death will be an exciting experience. i think it would be exciting for anyone experiencing it. we find death so abhorrent because we don't know what it is. as far as we are concerned, life occurs in a linear fashion, and you start on your birthday and end on your deathday, and that's that. but if you look at the nature of this universe, that mode of thinking is illogical. this planet is in a constant state of recycling itself. things leave their bodies, and the bodies become food for the bottom-feeders (like worms and bacteria and flies). then, from the composted bodies sprouts new life in a new form. we humans, however, are attached to the image of things. we are so upset about certain species becoming extinct, but we are ignoring that new species are coming into existence all the time through the process of evolution. life is continuing and well-being abounds! "death" is a part of the whole process. without it, life would be miserable.

imagine how crowded this planet would be if nothing ever died? life wouldn't even be possible. it's absurd to even try to imagine it. mammals wouldn't exist if the dinosaurs hadn't become extinct. everything is always in a perfect state of balance and harmony. if you disagree with that statement, you're not looking hard enough.

that said, i'm going to live life the way i was always supposed to. the way i naturally knew how to when i was a kid. i want to go outside and feel the sun on my body. i want to smell the wind, full of pollen and chemicals. i want to take my clothes off and swim in a river. i want to walk on the rail-road tracks like a balance-beam as far as i can go. i want to roll down a hill and get grass in my hair and then get ice cream that will drip all over my clothes and make my fingers sticky.

what do you want to do?