Thursday, May 6, 2010


my dog died today. a very bittersweet occurrence. she was very old, and recently i started seeing that glimmer of young dog spirit in her eyes... i would let her off her leash and she would romp around the back yard all excited... but her body was too old, and only a minute or so of this kind of activity would throw her into an asthma attack.

so this morning, on my way to the bathroom upstairs, i heard her having an attack. i thought to her "Niki, why don't you just die? you won't have to go through this anymore..." and about half an hour later i heard my mom call my dad at work to tell him she'd gone. my heart leapt and i felt so thankful. and then i went downstairs and saw her body slumped over, foam dripping from her mouth, eyes still open... and i felt sad knowing that i wouldn't be able to play with her anymore.

but the truth is, we haven't been able to play with Niki for a while. her body had become so old and in pain that we couldn't even walk her for more than a block. we used to live in the country, and there she could run free and chase deer and explore. i think Niki died a few years ago really... when her body stopped getting the exercise and love that it needed to be healthy.

it's really been making me think about life. what am i doing? why do i spend so much of my time sedentary, looking at my facebook page or just wasting my time in general? why do we distract ourselves from our lives so much, instead of actually going out and experiencing things? we make excuses: oh, there's nothing to do in this town. let's just smoke pot and play video games and in the morning we'll go to our cubicles and file papers and text our friends about how bored we are.... then we'll come home and drink a beer, and watch a "reality" TV show. time for a cigarette break.

how is it that we have all become so disempowered?

is it that we've ignored Who We Are for so long that the weight of everything is so suffocating that we feel paralyzed by the weight of it all? i've been there. it nearly killed me. but if it's so much of an effort to be here, why not MAKE THE EFFORT? why not? what else is there? 80 years of boredom and unfulfillment? i'd rather die tomorrow than draw out the pain. that's why i was so thankful that Niki died today. It was heartbreaking to watch her be so bored and unable to do anything about it. i've been wanting her to die for months.

there are a lot worse things than death. boredom is one of them. unfulfilled potential is another. in fact, i think death will be an exciting experience. i think it would be exciting for anyone experiencing it. we find death so abhorrent because we don't know what it is. as far as we are concerned, life occurs in a linear fashion, and you start on your birthday and end on your deathday, and that's that. but if you look at the nature of this universe, that mode of thinking is illogical. this planet is in a constant state of recycling itself. things leave their bodies, and the bodies become food for the bottom-feeders (like worms and bacteria and flies). then, from the composted bodies sprouts new life in a new form. we humans, however, are attached to the image of things. we are so upset about certain species becoming extinct, but we are ignoring that new species are coming into existence all the time through the process of evolution. life is continuing and well-being abounds! "death" is a part of the whole process. without it, life would be miserable.

imagine how crowded this planet would be if nothing ever died? life wouldn't even be possible. it's absurd to even try to imagine it. mammals wouldn't exist if the dinosaurs hadn't become extinct. everything is always in a perfect state of balance and harmony. if you disagree with that statement, you're not looking hard enough.

that said, i'm going to live life the way i was always supposed to. the way i naturally knew how to when i was a kid. i want to go outside and feel the sun on my body. i want to smell the wind, full of pollen and chemicals. i want to take my clothes off and swim in a river. i want to walk on the rail-road tracks like a balance-beam as far as i can go. i want to roll down a hill and get grass in my hair and then get ice cream that will drip all over my clothes and make my fingers sticky.

what do you want to do?

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