Sunday, January 31, 2010

wondrous changes!

if you haven't heard of Abraham-Hicks yet, you NEED to look them up on youtube. my life has literally changed DRAMATICALLY since i started listening to their wisdom two days ago!

we hear all of this stuff about manifesting and creating your own reality, and everyone has their own methods and everyone is saying their method is the best. it's all very confusing, and i had been feeling like i was missing something... that i was doing it wrong somehow. since coming across Abraham-Hicks, i am SO MUCH less worried about myself and my creation.

Esther Hicks is a woman who channels the wisdom of a group of 4th dimensional beings known collectively as Abraham. i know that sounds rather odd to some people, but it is amazing wisdom. i am so much happier than i was before i found them, and i was becoming pretty okay with my life and myself. but now i remember what it is like to be happy, and i don't think i've felt this good in a very long time. it's really wonderful!

i cannot describe the wisdom and do it justice. just go check it out on youtube. here's a good one:

i've been making an effort to go to the cemetery around the block from my house every morning to watch the sunrise. it's really wonderful! nobody goes in there at this time of year, and at the time of day i go, so it's a whole big area of hills and trees, and i can be completely alone there! i can shout my gratitude from the top of a hill! my recommendation to anyone reading this is to find a place in nature that you can easily access, where you can be completely alone and uninterrupted, and just go there for a little while every day. it makes such a big difference in one's well-being and that's all i want for anyone.

loving all of you!

Friday, January 29, 2010


well, so much for getting to bed early! i haven't slept yet, but i did see the sunrise :) haha, i actually had a great morning. i'm feelin good!

i realized something while i was meditating this morning. i was thinking about being in a darkroom, and how much i love it. i get those really pleasant chills when i'm in a pitch-black room, with nobody but me, and a task at hand. and i emerge victorious, with film canister in hand, ready to work with a new artistic potential. such is the same with life for me, a scorpio woman. although i often feel afraid when i am in the throes of depression, there is something in the darkness that must be experienced. something very intangible. a chilling loneliness that cannot be matched in well-lit areas. it's the same reason why i love going into cemeteries at night. nobody is there! nobody dares go there because they're secretly too afraid. but we scorpios are too intrigued by the darkness for our fear to overpower our curiosity.

i haven't talked about astrology yet, but it is something i love very much. i always feel so honored to be a scorpio. it is the most mysterious and complex of all the astrological energies. and i have a LOT of scorpio energy in me (4 planets in fact!). scorpio is intense and passionate, that's what everyone knows already. but everyone is afraid of scorpios because we have a bad reputation. we're not assholes, i promise! we're mostly just misunderstood, much like a scorpion. i've held scorpions, they're actually quite docile. there is nothing to be afraid of. you just need to be aware that if a scorpion feels threatened, it will issue warnings, and then it will use its stinger. same with scorpios. you do not want to fuck around with a scorpio. we will never let on when we are feeling vulnerable or hurt. you won't know it for a very long time. but we always remember, every single offense is taken into account. until one day, out of the blue, we EXPLODE! it seems like it's for the stupidest reason, but it is because of the straw breaking the camel's back. watch out! anyone in the way will be stung without mercy and without thought. it is instinct, and it is automatic and almost involuntary.

i say almost because it is the scorpio's greatest self-development task to master her temper. scorpios have the greatest capacity for transcendence. many are unaware that there are actually 3 animals associated with scorpio, one of which is the phoenix, which burns itself up in a passionate explosion, only to rise anew from the ashes.

this is what my life has been like for the past few months. an old, frightened, unloved and unloving me died a slow and painful death that lasted from the end of november until a couple of weeks ago. and today a fresh, beautiful, bright young phoenix is rising from the ashes of what used to be my life. whew!

anyway, if any of you are scorpios, let me know about your own experiences! i know you know what i'm talking about when i mention the darkness. or maybe you're too distracted with all the earth-shattering sex you're having? who knows :P


Thursday, January 28, 2010


i need to learn to keep my commitments, to myself and the rest of myself (in the form of other people).

so far i have kept my commitment to meditate every morning and every night before bed. but i have not kept the commitment to myself to wake up early enough to see the sunrise every morning. it should be an easy commitment, simply a matter of rearranging my sleeping schedule. it's not like i am required to stay up until 3 am every night. it's just how things have happened. how do i change it though? it seems like every time i manage to wake up earlier in the day, i get so tired midway through that i fall asleep and mess it all up again...

i guess commitments take willpower. when making a commitment to oneself, you are making an agreement that you are going to do something that will be good for you, even if one day you don't "feel like it." you must push past the "i don't feel like it" stage, because that is the stage that will always keep us where we are, and stop us from going where we want.

so today, i am going to bed before midnight. i am going to meditate early enough in the night so that i succeed in fulfilling this commitment today. just for today, i am going to bed early enough so that i can wake up and see the sunrise.

just for today, i am going to hold fast to my commitments. just for today, i will stick like glue to the commitments i have made to myself in order that i may experience a balanced and joyful life.

just for today, i will eradicate the laziness that ego creates in me!

loving you all!

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

aaaaaahhhhhh, yes.

so i have been attuned to Reiki. it's such a subtle change i feel, but i definitely feel different. i feel like i can handle anything that comes my way. i feel balanced and centered. i know that this feeling may or may not be permanent, but at least i know what it feels like, so i can recognize better when i am not balanced or centered.

i am feeling so trusting in the good outcomes of things. i feel thankful knowing that i am now acting from a place of centered consciousness.

i don't even know what to write. i've changed so much since even a couple weeks ago. at that time i was chomping at the bit to get out of this town and go back to school. now i am so aware that staying where i am was the best choice for me, because i have really been able to settle into myself and my place in this world. i know that i can only go up from here, and that is a comforting thought. i am so willing and able to stay here and really solidify the centered feeling i have right now. then, when i go forth this summer and have amazing adventures all over the place, i will be able to do so from a place of balance and love and harmony. and when i go back to school, i will have so much wonderful knowledge and wisdom about myself under my belt, and i will be able to be a much better student than i could have been this semester!

i'm so thankful for everything that i have chosen in this lifetime. i have been so blessed to know amazing people and to experience incredible and beautiful things. and i am thankful for the awareness of my Being, which allows me to create and experience everything i can dream of.

love to everyone!

Monday, January 25, 2010


have you ever been through a period in your life where so much change occurred all at once that when things settled down, you realized you weren't at all the same person?

i feel like that now.

it's not bad at all. it's just really strange. i feel like my mind is a blank slate. but where to go from here? what do i wish to do?

i need to take a shower. my reiki attunement is today :)

Sunday, January 24, 2010

floating in space

i have never been in this place before. i am at a point where everything in my life has so radically shifted that i can't imagine trying to go back to the way things once were... but at the same time, i feel like i don't know at all where i want to go from here. all of the books i read tell me that i need to set goals and take steps towards those goals. but i don't know what i'm trying to accomplish. i don't really know my mission yet. i suppose that means i'm still in the phase of working on myself and solidifying new habits before i go and do big things that may throw me off balance.

i am getting my reiki level 1 attunement tomorrow! i'm really excited for it. i've wanted to become attuned ever since i first heard what reiki was.

i never thought i would feel afraid of love. i always was so hungry for romance in my life. in all aspects, not just a relationship. i love romance. i love regarding my life as if it's a movie that i'm creating/watching. perhaps that's why so much drama seems to come my way. movies just aren't the same without a little drama i guess. what would life be like without any drama at all? would it even be interesting? what would there be to talk about if it weren't for gossip, politics, celebrities, and all the DRAMA we experience all the time? what would happiness feel like if i forgot what depression felt like?

questions like these sometimes make me wish i could just STOP. cease existence. it all feels like such a game sometimes. like it's pointless, so can i stop playing now?

anyway, i just feel kind of wary of romance right now in my life. i just escaped a whirlwind of romantic turmoil so recently, and now i'm faced with a new potential and find myself totally confused. what do i want? i guess it's best to answer that question by first asking "what don't i want?"

i don't want to feel trapped
i don't want to feel worried
i don't want to feel like everything i do has weight to it
i don't want constant wondering in my head... is he right for me? do i love him? when will it end? is this forever? do i want this to be forever?
i don't want to settle for someone just because he's the only one around/available.
i don't want to have expectations placed on me
i don't want to argue or struggle for common ground
i just want to stop wondering what the consequences will be! i feel stuck in a corner, wondering if i'm going to make the right decision. i feel like every decision i make will affect the rest of my life. what if i mess it up? what if i end up with something i didn't want? what if i hurt someone or myself?

paralyzed with fear? this shouldn't be me. fear is clouding my intuition right when i need it the most!

i guess, in the situation i'm in right now, i am forgetting to use communication skills. i'm forgetting that it's best to be completely honest in every moment.

i think i'm rambling now. time to meditate and go to bed. tomorrow is going to be a great day :) today was sort of apathetic and hazy. i spent the whole day sleeping/lazing/laying around.


Saturday, January 23, 2010


i've been thinking about the word "hypochondria" as it pertains to me. looking back on my life since high school, it seemed like one thing after another was wrong with my body. i dislocated my knee several times between ninth grade and now. i had super bad lower back pain for almost an entire summer once. i had a foot injury that had residual effects up until recently. i had to go to physical therapy for a shoulder problem that hasn't managed to leave yet. i had pains in my lungs for several months in 2009. i had a recurring bladder infection from july until present. it's been one thing after another going wrong with my body. as my friend put it (a little sarcastically?) "wow, you're falling apart."

this lead to a lot of paranoia about my body. i was constantly worrying about whether i would ever be completely healthy again, wondering what was going to go wrong next. this is hypochondria if i ever saw it! it's so funny, because i always laughed at the idea of hypochondria. people basically making up nonsense ailments in their heads, and convincing themselves that they are experiencing symptoms.

then my friend yesterday told me that i need to get my "control drama in check." he said that i am "poor me incarnate" and that whenever any kind of energy channel is opened with me, i start in on what is going wrong with my life.

this made me remember that i've been doing this with ALL aspects of my life: my body, my financial situation, my college experience, my family, my EVERYTHING. instead of looking at what IS healthy in my experience, i have been worrying about the parts that feel "off," and wondering what's going to go wrong next.

of course, the irony of hypochondria is "what you think about, you bring about." a hypochondriac is worrying so much about one little "symptom," imaginary or real, and focuses so much on it that it ends up getting worse and actually being something which consumes the person.

this is not how i wish to use my time! wasting it by focusing on one little ache or pain and in effect, ignoring all the health that i have been blessed with.

i think a lot of us experience hypochondria in our lives. we get caught up in the drama surrounding us in the media and in our perceived realities. we focus on that drama, talk about it as if it's important, and then internalize the resulting vibration. then we look for the next thing to complain about, until we really have nothing to talk about that doesn't somehow lead to complaining or gossiping.

gossip and complaint are the worst wastes of thought and word energy. it is focusing on what is wrong in the outside world, which distracts us from the things we can work on internally.

as dr, wayne dyer says, "when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change." are you looking at your life and only seeing the "problems" you have? why not be thankful for the problems you don't have? there are a lot more of those! some people in this world go their entire lives without drinking a glass of clean water. NOT ONCE. i know some people who actually have the audacity to complain about the taste of the tap water in my town. my town has some of the tastiest drinking water in this world! what is there to complain about? of course, some people don't even drink water because they don't like it. i will never understand these people. but to each his own. my point is, there's nothing to complain about. we are not experiencing war first hand. we are not in the midst of a famine. we are not quarantined or wearing face masks due to airborn epidemic diseases like bird flu or anything. and we wash our asses with cleaner water than some people ever get to drink! there is a lot to be thankful for, but it takes effort. you have to be diligent in the observation of your thoughts and words. but this is such an easy way to change the world. change your perspective first. notice the ways in which your life is actually pretty awesome, rather than focusing all of your energy on what is "wrong" or "falling apart" in your life. if something is supposed to fall apart, it's going to whether you like it or not. you might as well be thankful for it, because complaining about something inevitable never stopped it from happening. yes, be thankful for the shit that goes down in your life. once you can do that, you will be well on your way to mastery my friends. because when you can be thankful even for the bad things, WHILE they are happening, the next step is being thankful for no reason at all. and that only brings pure happiness, regardless of the outer circumstances.

that's my lesson for the day. i hope you all can find some insight there :) i love becoming aware of the places where i need to grow. well, it's breakfast time! i finally woke up at the perfect time today! 10 am, yay! i've been waking up anywhere between 2 and 4 pm for the past several weeks, and missing out on all the wonderful sunlight! not today folks. today i'm using all the sunlight for my own benefit, and none of you can stop me, muahahahahahahahaha!

ok, peace out kids.


Wednesday, January 20, 2010

giving to the self through giving to others

over the past two days, i've come to understand how amazing it really is to serve others. this hasn't yet taken the form of actually providing service to others on the physical plane. but i do have thought energy, and that counts for more than anything on the physical plane. thought comes first. everything you see around you now --your table, your coffee mug, your computer keyboard, your tshirt, your sneakers, your iPod-- all of it began as a thought. anything created by a human being had to begin as a thought.

EEG machines, and other brain-scanning technology tells us that a brainwave is a frequency. a thought is a vibration, too high in frequency to perceive with the 5 physical senses. a finished product --a table for example-- is a vibration as well, but it is lower in frequency so that on this physical plane, with these physical senses, we can perceive it. the atoms in a table are vibrating at a certain frequency which makes it "solid" and "brown" (or whatever color... the one i'm looking at is purple), and these traits are picked up by our senses: our eyes can sense the vibration of light which bounces off of the table and tells us it is a certain shape with a certain color and a certain size in a certain distance from you. your hands, or any other part of your body, can confirm its presence on the physical plane, telling you it is solid and it feels like the very shape your eyes are telling you it is. these physical sensations that you get in the presence of a table are not experienced with thoughts. you can imagine feeling these sensations, but the thought frequency is too high for you or anyone else to actually experience the sensations which accompany a physical encounter with a table.

a thought about a table is the same as a table, but the thought about it is higher in frequency, and cannot be perceived with our 5 physical senses. easy to understand, right?

so, in order to make manifest an idea -- in other words, a thought, or a high-frequency vibration that cannot be perceived by the 5 physical senses -- one must lower the vibration of the thought. a sound frequency is a lower vibration than a thought frequency. so voicing a thought aloud brings the vibration closer to that of a solid, measurable, perceivable product. you can sense the vibration of a word using the receptor called your "ear." the sound wave travels down your ear canal to your eardrum, which vibrates in sync with the sound wave. the eardrum's vibration is turned into an electrical signal to the brain, where it is stored in a different place from the original thought. now you have the original neurological pathway that the thought created, as well as the one created by hearing the sound of the thought. written word is also a lower frequency than thought.

i'm getting off track, the point is, manifesting is as easy as lowering the vibration of your thoughts into vibrations that are perceivable by your 5 physical senses, and the 5 physical senses of everyone else! it's not magic, it's science. it's not difficult to grasp.

back to my original point, i have thought energy to offer, and that's where it starts. by offering my thought energy to others, i give to myself. what i've been doing for the past two nights is, instead of trying to manifest good things for myself, i hold all of my friends and family members in my mind, and i put all of my enthusiastic thought and word energy into manifesting a wonderful day for everyone i love. i send my intention to the universe for the blessings of health, happiness, and easy, effortless, and loving interactions with everyone they meet the next day. i do this individually for several people in my life, and it feels so good. the key to manifesting is detachment from outcomes. well, it's super easy to be detached from outcomes when what you are manifesting isn't even in your life and has nothing to do with you.

so even if you think you have nothing to offer, offer your thoughts (prayers, if you will). thoughts DO hold power, and they DO affect matter. that which you offer to the world with love and blessings is always offered in return by the universe. the universe will always mirror the attitude you have. giving regretfully or stingily will result in the universe treating you the same. remember the Golden Law? the energy you send out is the energy you receive. you reap what you sew. do unto others as you would have them do unto you. it is not the Golden Rule. rules can be broken. this is the Golden Law. you cannot break this law, even if you want to. it will ALWAYS be followed, and you will ALWAYS experience the consequences (good or bad) of this law. following it consciously is the way in which you experience freedom. when you consciously give FIRST the energy which you know you enjoy experiencing, BY LAW you will receive the same energy. there's no fake it till you make it either. the universe knows when your words don't match your thoughts! so work on your thoughts first. that is the first step. work on your thoughts. always be aware of what your mind is creating inside your head, because it doesn't just stay there. your thoughts will manifest as the physical "reality" you experience, EVERY SINGLE TIME. whether you like it or not. whether you believe it or not. you don't have to try to manifest things. that's jumping ahead of yourself. cultivate a mind of awareness and love and gratitude and blessings for others, and that is what will manifest in your physical world. you don't have to try to do anything. just be conscious of your thoughts.

hahahaha, this has been one rambling post! i hope at least one person reading this has found some insight in this! hehehe.


Sunday, January 17, 2010

the dance of destruction and transformation

i had a really powerful day today.

first let me fill you in on some of what i've been experiencing lately. outer circumstances, and my own forgetfulness of Who I Am, had thrown me into a bit of leftover depression. when i talk about depression, i'm not talking about feeling a little sad, or feeling a little bummed-out. i'm talking about total, soul-crushing, mind-numbing darkness. i'm talking about wishing i could stop existing, but knowing that it is impossible to do so. i'm talking about wishing i could avoid everything that i have created for myself to start fresh, only to remember that it doesn't work that way. it takes an enormous amount of inner strength to pull oneself through something like that. i'm not the only person who has done it, either. i have survived, and not out of a desire to live. there were days when i had no desire at all to be alive, and i finally tried to act on that feeling (of course i failed, otherwise i would not be writing this). and it is only because i have consciously fought this desire to NOT be alive that i have come to learn the lessons i did in the past few days.

i have been spending a lot of thought energy trying to manifest my way back to school. but while i was trying to do that, another feeling was there that i was trying very hard to ignore. it was the feeling that it was not quite the time for me to be back at school. not just yet anyway. there are other things to be done first. i was trying VERY hard to ignore this feeling. but when i finally faced it, i realized it was right. if i were to go back to school now, i would be caught up in a quagmire of financial aid, paperwork, no housing, no food, and a bunch of stuff that has NOTHING to do with being a student. when i do go back, these things will have already been taken care of. i will not need to worry about anything except finishing my homework on time and doing my best. so i made the conscious choice to surrender to the inevitable, rather than waste my energy fighting it.

today, that feeling was confirmed.

today, i went to a Reiki Share Group in a small town near where i live. this is a group of several Reiki Level 3 women who practice healing each other. a friend of mine told me about the group, and although she didn't show up today, i went and really enjoyed myself. during my healing session, i had three women working on me at once. one woman was at my head, one at my feet, and one woman, Linda, was sort of observing my energy from afar. when i laid down and closed my eyes, i was of course bombarded with my usual onslaught of annoying, unnecessary thoughts. not necessarily fears, just stupid things that get in the way of me experiencing the Here And Now. anyway, i just told myself to relax and allow these beautiful women to give me this energy and show me love. all of a sudden, i felt this really intense energy in my stomach. it felt like the power that you feel when you put two like poles of a magnet close to each other. like a tingling, electricity feeling, but completely painless. but INTENSE. i have had Reiki sessions before, but i have never felt the energy so powerfully as i did today. i had my eyes closed and i was wondering what was going on! i opened my eyes, and Linda was standing next to me, with both of her hands over my stomach chakra, just smiling away! beaming! and i closed my eyes and just grinned, because it re-confirmed everything that my ego had been trying to make me doubt. when the women were finished, i sat up and they told me how they felt, and i told them how i felt. the woman who was at my feet had moved up my left side, touching her hands to each joint. i hadn't told her at all, but the most trouble with me happens on my left side. i don't know what it is. and she totally intuited that i needed help on that side of my body. what Linda had to say to me, though, was the most amazing message i have heard since i have been on this path.

first i have to tell you about the shroom trip i had this summer at a festival. i happened to meet a guy at this festival, and he told me he had a whole batch of shrooms that he grew himself. he offered me some, and i gladly obliged! but, not having had any legitimate mushrooms (just the shitty ones that occasionally pass through the campus community), i ended up taking quite a bit more than was probably advisable. that night i had one of the most powerful self-realizations of my life. this was the first time i remembered MySelf. i was dancing to this incredible performance by this native-american-infused rock band. they were chanting and beating drums.... the guitarist was like a gnarled old tree that had come to life and was SHREDDING the guitar. and there was this earth-angel-goddess playing the washboard, and every time i started to feel a little scared of how hard i was tripping, i just looked at her and took comfort and knew that everything would be okay. it was an INCREDIBLE experience. but at some point, as i was dancing, i got caught in eternity. lol, i know that sounds silly, but for a second i was literally stuck in eternity. i wondered to myself "how long have i been here? how long have i been dancing like this?" and this very "clear" voice, but not really a voice, more like a conscious presence within me, said "i have been here forever. i have ALWAYS been doing this dance." and in that moment, however long it was, i felt that i was Shiva and i felt that i had come to this planet with a very important purpose. i KNEW these feelings to be true, and i accepted them as truth. of course, after the shrooms wore off, i didn't really know what to make of this experience, so i sort of put it on the back-burner.

but today, Linda told me something that brought that back-burner to the forefront of my consciousness. she said that when she was over my stomach, she saw an image of Shiva, but it was me, and i was dancing and i had all my arms, giving love energy to the whole world. she told me that my aura was huge and that my crown chakra was basically blasting through the woman who was at my head. she had done an initial scan of my energy and could feel it everywhere. all of this amazed me, because i had never told anyone my experience of myself as Shiva. i never even put two-and-two together, that Shiva was the Lord of Dance, and that i was dancing and said "i have always been here, i have always been doing this dance." the name Shiva just sort of FELT right, but i was tripping balls on mushrooms, so i wasn't consciously thinking "oh, which god is the one that does that dance?" i just KNEW and FELT myself to be Shiva, incarnate on this planet, to do something really big.

now, i know this all sounds super crazy and pretty full of ego, but i don't care. i am completely independent of the good or bad opinion of others. today i was reminded that i have something big that i came here to do. i know that i am not more important than anyone else on this planet, or in this universe. everyone is equally as important as everyone else in the grand scheme of things. all things are connected, and you cannot remove any one part of the whole. it is ALL important. EVERYONE is important. these things i know to be true, and these are things i must remind myself of daily. YES i am god. and so is EVERYONE ELSE. so it is with great love and confidence that i say these things: i have a big role to play in this life. there are no small parts, only small actors. my taking up this role --whatever form it will take, because it isn't going to happen in an instant, and i am certainly not ready for it yet... i have a lot to learn, and a lot to master within myself-- is not diminishing any one of you and your EQUALLY important roles! barack obama is basically the figurehead of the world right now, but does that mean he is more important than the people who elected him and who work for his cause? absolutely not. i am telling you, with certainty and with humility, i am eventually going to be in a position similar to obama's position in america... but i am going to be that for the world. my ego feels daunted by the idea. but this is a purpose that i have known in my heart for my entire life, and which i forgot for a little while (namely in high school).

so why am i writing all of this in a blog? i dunno, i guess to just remind myself of the ultimate direction in which i'm headed, and perhaps to make you all think i'm crazy :P it's all good dude, i don't need to prove myself. i'm just going to surrender to the purpose that the universe has in store for me. i know it's there, and i know it's big. i don't know what it will be just yet, but i have a feeling that it's along the lines of what i just described. right now, i can live my humble little life, working at a bakery and praying and meditating and feeding the ducks and taking daily walks and all the other little things i do to keep myself sane. i know that the future is infinite in potential, and i'm excited to see it all unfold. i'm so glad that you are all on this path with me!

what about you guys? what self-realizing, big-bang-consciousness moments have you had? have you remembered your purpose? have you remembered how grand your life is meant to be? it's big! for all of us, our purpose is BIG. but not all of us are ready or willing, in this incarnation, to take up that BIGNESS and really fully accept it. i hope each and every one of you is as ready to change this world for the better as i am.


Sunday, January 10, 2010

a little promoting, a little catching up!

so first i'm going to do a little promotional rant here and talk about Philosopher's Notes. check it out at it's EFFING AWESOME. i have been going through repeated bouts of depression and discouragement and stress lately, and already it has given me some powerful tools to pull through those experiences. i managed to get a scholarship to have free access to all the notes. what a gift!

what is it? it's a collection of 100 of the most important/inspiring enlightenment/self-help books out there, boiled down to key points, and composed into 6-page PDFs. basically like enlightened cliffnotes or something, only way more helpful and spunky. plus, the guy who created it (i KNEW he was a gemini, gemini's always bring me blessings that change my life!) also recorded 20-minute clips of him reading the notes aloud, so you can listen and read (which really helps me focus on what is being said).

it's $47 for the whole set, but if you can't afford it, there is a scholarship application. all you have to do is explain your financial situation, and why you can't pay for the wisdom right now but sure could use it to make your life better. it's such a generous gift. i'm excited to be embarking on the 50-day challenge set up by (50 notes in 50 days, guaranteed transformation, with online support!). this team of people (finerminds and philosopher's notes) have really brought me a lot of joy and inspiration and motivation. so i recommend that everyone check out those websites!

it's sites like that which give me hope and ease my anxiety about the ever growing integration of technology into our everyday lives. it is sites like and the two others i mentioned which should be what the purpose of the internet is. not just information sharing (or nonsense sharing, or consumerism cultivation, or mindless distraction), but the sharing of ideas which will change our future for the better. the encouragement of others whom we have not yet met in "real" life.

so, moving on to my latest lessons. detachment. what is it? why is it important? why and how should we begin to cultivate it within ourselves?

detachment is hard to explain. i haven't really figured it out myself. it's difficult to achieve. there is a difference between being detached in the sense that you don't give a shit what is going to happen (in other words, apathy), and being detached from any expected outcome, lovingly knowing that the universe is always bringing you what is best for you. detachment is not running around, carelessly fucking things up and saying "oh well, it's all perfect in the universe." yes, everything IS all perfect in the universe. but letting go of intention and flailing around, stomping on people along the way, is not enlightenment. it is carelessness. and it will bring about misery, not just to the people around you who you are bashing into and saying "oops, my B dude," but to you as well. i know. trust me. i have been doing that for a few months now and have only recently been able to come to grips with what i am actually doing, and recognizing the glaring ego of my motivations. and i messed up a lot of friendships in the process. and i have subsequently been forced to sit in solitude, in the darkness of my own mind, and think about what i've done. the most agonizing session of cosmic "time-out" that i've ever had to endure! but of course, the universe knows exactly what is best for me and my growth, and i have learned a lot about myself and the extent of my ego.

detachment from outcomes is important to living a happy life. i haven't mastered it yet. i am not even close to mastering it. but i know in my heart it is something i must master, because it is my consistent downfall and bringer of pain and disappointment. i get my heart so set on an ideal that i have fantasized about, and it comes to the point where the "plan" is so detailed that i can't imagine the scenario going any other way. i am inevitably disappointed in the reality that comes my way, because it is not what i had planned. well, guess what? the universe doesn't give a shit about your puny plan. the universe DOES bring you exactly what you ask for, but usually it's not in a way that is recognized immediately. the universe has grander plans for you, and if you just set your intention in a specific direction, the HOW of it will manifest even more magnificently than your limited imagination can.

so detachment from HOW things unfold is important, but do not think this means you should detach from WHAT you wish to witness unfolding. there is a very big difference between WHAT and HOW. WHAT i want is to go back to school and get started on the incredible idea that i have been graced with. the HOW includes the following: paying for tuition, which semester i will be returning, where i will be living, how the money will come my way. all of these things are what the universe takes care of. if you have to ask yourself "how am i going to do that? how will i come up with all that money? how will i do this, how will i do that, blah blah blah...?" then you should probably stop and remind yourself that the HOW is none of your business. you don't have to worry about it, because the universe will take care of it in a beautiful and perfect way, beyond your imagining. so don't waste your thought energy on trying to imagine how you will get the things done that you want to do. that will only drain you. instead, focus your thought energy on being in the moment, and simultaneously keeping your eyez on the prize. i'm going back to school, and this time i have a purpose and a specific intention. but i need to allow the universe to do its job without me backseat driving the cosmic vehicle! i'm just going to tell the driver where i want to go, and trust that s/he will know the best route to take :)

like i always say, these lessons that i "teach" are always lessons i've had to go through myself, or with which i will soon be faced. either way, this is just my perspective, and i hope that seeing things from my perspective will help any of you who read this to understand your own a little better. i'm not claiming to be all-knowing. i'm just experiencing life like everyone else, and if my life lessons can inspire even one other person to grow in a necessary and beautiful way, then my purpose on this earth is fulfilled.

love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love LOVE!

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

an urgent request!

For anyone who is reading this: i am asking for help!

i've decided to return to school this spring semester. i have finally realized what i want the purpose of my education to be, and i'm excited to embark on a new part of my journey.

so here's where i need help! i have to pay off what i owe the school before they allow me to register for classes. so i am requesting that anyone who reads this, hold a vision of me in your mind, returning to school this spring without any problems. a little prayer for me please!

i love all of you, and i'm so thankful to anyone who reads my blog entries. i'm excited to go back to school! i'm looking forward to seeing all of my awesome friends there :)