Sunday, January 24, 2010

floating in space

i have never been in this place before. i am at a point where everything in my life has so radically shifted that i can't imagine trying to go back to the way things once were... but at the same time, i feel like i don't know at all where i want to go from here. all of the books i read tell me that i need to set goals and take steps towards those goals. but i don't know what i'm trying to accomplish. i don't really know my mission yet. i suppose that means i'm still in the phase of working on myself and solidifying new habits before i go and do big things that may throw me off balance.

i am getting my reiki level 1 attunement tomorrow! i'm really excited for it. i've wanted to become attuned ever since i first heard what reiki was.

i never thought i would feel afraid of love. i always was so hungry for romance in my life. in all aspects, not just a relationship. i love romance. i love regarding my life as if it's a movie that i'm creating/watching. perhaps that's why so much drama seems to come my way. movies just aren't the same without a little drama i guess. what would life be like without any drama at all? would it even be interesting? what would there be to talk about if it weren't for gossip, politics, celebrities, and all the DRAMA we experience all the time? what would happiness feel like if i forgot what depression felt like?

questions like these sometimes make me wish i could just STOP. cease existence. it all feels like such a game sometimes. like it's pointless, so can i stop playing now?

anyway, i just feel kind of wary of romance right now in my life. i just escaped a whirlwind of romantic turmoil so recently, and now i'm faced with a new potential and find myself totally confused. what do i want? i guess it's best to answer that question by first asking "what don't i want?"

i don't want to feel trapped
i don't want to feel worried
i don't want to feel like everything i do has weight to it
i don't want constant wondering in my head... is he right for me? do i love him? when will it end? is this forever? do i want this to be forever?
i don't want to settle for someone just because he's the only one around/available.
i don't want to have expectations placed on me
i don't want to argue or struggle for common ground
i just want to stop wondering what the consequences will be! i feel stuck in a corner, wondering if i'm going to make the right decision. i feel like every decision i make will affect the rest of my life. what if i mess it up? what if i end up with something i didn't want? what if i hurt someone or myself?

paralyzed with fear? this shouldn't be me. fear is clouding my intuition right when i need it the most!

i guess, in the situation i'm in right now, i am forgetting to use communication skills. i'm forgetting that it's best to be completely honest in every moment.

i think i'm rambling now. time to meditate and go to bed. tomorrow is going to be a great day :) today was sort of apathetic and hazy. i spent the whole day sleeping/lazing/laying around.


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