the fear of judgement and the habit of judging others are two sides of the same coin.
i had a big realization this weekend. it had been several months since i'd spent time with true friends; people with whom i can be completely myself. it hit me that the difference between my relationship with say, my boss, and my relationship with my best girlfriend is freedom of expression. now, i'm very blessed to have an awesome boss with whom i can be very friendly. i enjoy working with her because she is a beautiful person. however, in this relationship, certain things on my end must be curtailed in order to maintain the "professional" relationship. it basically boils down to a fear of being fired. and so there is this internal struggle going on with me all the time: did i say something i shouldn't have? should i have done it differently? should i be dressed this way? am i being inappropriate right now?
now that i notice it, the energetic difference is stark. with my friend, i can be, do, and say anything, and i know that she knows i am doing my own thing, and she is doing her own thing, and we love each other, and we inspire each other, and we grow and blossom in our interactions. it is fantastic! so refreshing! i can feel the fullness of my being flooding through me. and when i expressed this to her, in my excitement i apparently started glowing. like literally glowing in the dark!
it was then that i also realized that i am in my element when i am speaking to a group. but what had eventually snuck in to hinder me was the fear of judgement. in high school, enough incidents happened in which i felt that people were judging me, and i began to assume that everyone had these feelings about me (when really it was probably only a small few people who really had any problem with the way i am). i became very insecure and judgemental myself.
therein lies the key: judgement of others is a sort of defense mechanism. we feel judged, and so we look for the things in others that are just as bad or worse than what we feel we are being judged for. and we point them out, and we perhaps feel a little better about ourselves. but not really.
i have learned that the opposite is also true: when we praise another, and recognize their beauty and talent, and we bask in the glow they put out, we are really doing the same for ourselves. it is a healthier form of competition. we see something we like, and we say "hey i could do that. i am beautiful too! i have talents of my own! they may not be the same talents, but i have them and they are awesome! i can glow in that way! i know i can!" we become inspired to express ourselves in the fullness of our being.
and there is nothing like expressing so fully that you glow. it is the most fantastic internal rush of energy. i want to find more ways to be that full expression.
it is my wish for all of you to find your element. find that feeling place of full expression of pure potential. so much can bloom forth from that place. it is what it feels like to be a child again. like things are just beginning. like you've barely scraped the surface and already you've found so much gold you hardly know what to do with it.
this moment is pure potential.
this moment is within me.
the potential is within me.
i am the moment.
i am the potential.