i had been feeling some interesting feelings, particularly with regards to relationships and sex. part of me feels a strong desire for it, and was willing to overlook any minor undesirable features (physically unattractive to me in some way, spiritually misaligned with me, intentionally misaligned with me, etc) in order to have what i thought i wanted NOW. all the while, my heart quietly twinged, waiting for me to listen to what it has to say. and it would become cacophony and confusion in my mind as i battled between having what i want NOW, and waiting until the energy is completely in alignment before allowing it to manifest.
so i was presented with a few choices this week. one choice was a potential romance with someone very physically beautiful, and very aligned with me in terms of consciousness. i knew as soon as i saw him the first time that i wasn't in alignment with a relationship, and so he couldn't be the one i was looking for in that department... but my mind tried to convince me that maybe over time things would change. the mind can be a real idiot sometimes. the heart always knows, in an unbiased way. needless to say, i spent about a month feeling confused and distraught by all of the feelings of "what if." finally i came to the conclusion that i clearly wasn't ready for a relationship, because if i was, i wouldn't feel confused. i asked him "what do you feel?" preparing myself to explain my feelings, i listened as he explained to me exactly what i was feeling, but from his perspective. we were on the exact same page.
oh the freedom!
i felt this amazing sensation of being lifted to a completely new level of self-awareness. i had listened to my heart and communicated from that space, and in making myself vulnerable in that way, i actually became stronger and healthier. my trust in my own intuition became stronger. my heart opened and softened. and i felt the confusion lift.
next, some opportunities for sex came to me. one of them just kept not working out, and i figured out pretty early on that this was for a good reason. he ended up communicating to me that he wasn't big on jumping into sex. i laughed when he texted me this, because i already knew it wasn't going to happen, but i was relieved to find out why.
then a friend of mine asked me if i would be interested in practicing tantra with him. i said yes, although i felt the tiniest grain of a question in my heart. but my desire overrode it, and we began making plans. the wonderful thing about intuition is that, if you don't hear it when it's the tiniest grain of a question, it will stay there and get louder, and the more you pull against it the louder it will get. finally, last night, i felt like my mind was roaring with confusion. i decided to take a walk and ask my heart what was going on. i just talked aloud to myself and explained to myself that i didn't want him. i wasn't attracted to him, and that was that. that was it. it was such a simple little thing... a preference. i wanted something different, and even though i knew it would feel good to have sex again, it wouldn't feel right in my heart if i ignored my own desires.
desire is something that many people are confused about in this day and age. on one side, we have a mainstream world that is consumed by desire, thinking that the craving within can be satiated by the next shiny object, the next hot body, the next good party. but that craving within is not a craving for physical stimulation. it is a craving for connection to the All That Is. this connection cannot be achieved by buying anything or going anywhere or doing anything in particular, although flashes of this connection can be felt in the midst of a great conversation, or while dancing, or making art, or whatever else suits your fancy. but those are fleeting, and if you cannot feel the connection all the time, then you're left craving what you think is bringing you happiness (the action) when really, your happiness comes from being connected (however accidentally or intentionally).
connection to Source/God/All That Is/Whatever you want to call it, comes from being still and going within oneself and finding that silent island. there, you ask the question, and the answer comes forth from the abyss around you.
but there is another side of desire that we ignore. when we figure out that we have been consumed by physical desire, and that connection was what we were seeking all along, many of us tend to reject the physical world completely. we say "oh i shouldn't desire that, it won't make me happy. i'll just forget about it." on one level that is true... that physical thing won't make you happy, but if you are happy already, you are allowed to partake in the physical world and relish its delights. there is a reason desire is there. desire is born within us from the Divine. desire is what pulls us towards where we are meant to Be. desire is a Divine communication, and to ignore it is blasphemy.
i have strong and beautiful Desires. i have a Desire for a mate who is not only aligned with me consciously, spiritually, and intentionally, but is also physically beautiful in all the ways that delight my eyes and hands and body. i want the full package, and there is a Reason for this. to deny my own Desire is to deny the communication my Large Loving GodSelf is giving to me. to rationalize and say "oh well he's not that good-looking to me, but he's sweet, he deserves a chance... i shouldn't be so shallow..." is to judge my own connection with the Divine. everyone has a Desire that can be matched by the Universe. that includes EVERYONE. everyone's physical preferences can be met.
from now on, i'm not settling for anything that is less than what makes my heart sing. i have high standards and i deserve to have those standards met. we all do. i am laying claim to my Divine Inheritance. my Kingdom of Heaven is my own Creation, and i get to design it and choose the way it looks and feels and tastes and smells. i have already Created this Kingdom, and i am its Queen. all is well in this land, so long as i listen to the advisor that rests within my own HEART.