Monday, April 4, 2011

the fear

ever since i started doing Divine Openings, i've been changing internally at such a rapid rate that it's almost hard to comprehend. oddly enough, time has taken a different form... it feels stretchier than before. it seems to slow down so that each day and each week is very long, and i have more time to expand and develop, so that by the end of one week i have transitioned drastically.

yesterday was very interesting. a few days of low emotion and some confusion were leading up to it, and i was doing (what i thought was) my best to feel and allow the emotions. but really, i was forgetting to go within and feel feel feel feel FEEL. i had gotten caught up in a web of old stories and i couldn't escape! yesterday began beautifully... i woke up before 6 am and went out for a nice morning stroll with my dog. i enjoyed the brisk air and the sunrise and the birds chirping. i even saw my first cardinal of the year! (i love cardinals)

however, when i got back home, i started feeling sleepy again. so i decided it wouldn't hurt to take a nap. well i went to sleep and i woke up around 1 or 2 feeling completely depressed. then my mind began attaching all kinds of non-existent dramas to the depression, making it feel so much worse. i felt like i had no friends (false) and like i was completely unloved. i felt like my life was worthless and going nowhere (false false false), and that i was failing at all that i sought to succeed in. i even began daydreaming of suicide, which i hadn't done in over a year. i wondered if having a taste of death would give me a new appreciation for life. i fantasized about sitting on the back porch with a razor, listening to the birds and breathing in the cool spring air as i drifted out. i just allowed these thoughts and feelings to come in, but soon i began worrying about myself. i grasped and pleaded, trying to get ahold of friends who might be able to soothe me. not hearing back from them, i began to feel even lonelier and abandoned. i sat in a bar drinking water, crying all alone.

i finally reached the bottom, fully realizing that i was creating this experience, and telling myself this story which was hurting me so much. i prayed for my Inner Being to help me stop creating this story and begin to create a new one.

soon, the loneliness lifted. riding my bike home, i began to feel angry. "fuck it! fuck all those people! if they don't want to help me when i need help, then they can go fuck themselves because i deserve love god dammit! fuck all of it, i'll be my own friend."

i went back out to my porch and sat, listening to music and singing, and feeling irritated at my mom for trying to cheer me up (lol). then, as i was dipping a tortilla chip into some guacamole she had made, i suddenly felt lucid. it was as though i had been walking around in my sleep all day, and i was now aware of the moment i was in. everything felt okay. i still hadn't heard from my friends, but that was ok. i just sat and enjoyed the music i listened to, the view from my back porch, and the chips and guacamole. i went inside and watched House. then i watched Yes Man (which is hilarious and made me feel a hundred times better).

then, i tuned in to what i thought would be Whose Line Is It Anyway?? only to find a program by Joel Osteen. part of me wanted to immediately flip to something different, because i knew this was going to be something cheesy and religious. but something deeper told me to stay and listen, so i did. the entire service given by this man was uplifting, empowering, and beautiful. his face glowed as he spoke his Truth. i was moved to tears several times by the examples he gave of humans uplifting each other and helping each other succeed. and by the end, i found out that this was a Born Again Christian pastor i had been listening to. i really felt my heart open.

today my energy feels like calm water. i'm not moving up, and i'm not being pulled under. i'm just being, and i'm grateful to be at peace. the conclusion i have made from yesterday was that if i try to resist feeling, by trying to run away from my center and hide behind friends, television, facebook, and my stories... i'll only end up hurting more and more until all of those things abandon me so that i have nowhere else to hide. it is so hilarious! i got a text message later at night, after i was finally feeling much better, from one of my friends saying that he'd been busy and had only just gotten the message i'd sent asking for someone to talk to. and today, i found out that the other friend i had texted (with a whole bunch of drama and silliness) hadn't even gotten any of the messages until this morning, because his phone had died. my Inner Being knew that what i needed was silence and inner-diving, not more drama and talk and stories and "poor me" bullshit.

i intend to remember this the next time some emotion comes up. i intend for it to be easy to let go and surrender to the feeling of it. i intend for my new story to create itself easily in my mind, and i intend for it to be easy to let go of the old stories i've been carrying around. i'm ready for this. bring it on!


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