today i am thankful for:
-funny television that comes in handy when i need to get my mind off of silly "real life" dramas
-loving advice from my mom and sister
-sweet dreams about a beautiful boy i still love
-Conversations With God, by Neale Donald Walsch
-peanut butter and honey
i have to start out small in times like this. i've been going through a lot lately. i have had to come face-to-face with my own selfishness and its destructive consequences. i have lost friends in rapid succession due to my own childish, selfish, and egoic behavior. i have had to face the fact that i have created all of this. ALL OF THIS. that makes it feel so much worse than anything.
but i have to take responsibility for my own change. so i am taking my mother's suggestion, and i am going to focus on what i can be thankful for. 5 things each day. i can do that. i can hold tight, find my center, regain my balance, re-collect my marbles. and i WILL be stronger and brighter for it.
the most ironic and beautiful lesson that i've learned is this: despite how much i resisted coming home to my family, despite the "negative energy" i felt from this home and this family, despite trying to avoid learning from my mother and listening to her wisdom and experience... i have been forced to come home and do those things and LISTEN. and i have realized that there is so much more wisdom and learning to be gained from my family. in my time of greatest pain and hardship, as all of my friends seem to have turned their back on me (and right they should, i've been an asshole), my family has been able to forgive me and care for me and show me unconditional love and support in the ways i've been needing it the most. i'm grateful beyond words. i'm thankful that the universe finally forced me to come here and SIT, and STAY, and CHILL THE FUCK OUT.
i would have kept running around. running away. i would have been sick and alone on the street or somewhere else, with less than nothing but my own mistakes.
i love myself, no matter what. i know i've messed up. everyone i've hurt doesn't think i'm aware of what i've done, but i am. more than i ever wanted to be, i am aware. i acknowledge my mistakes, which have been HUGE. i acknowledge the pain i've inflicted on those around me who only wanted to show me love. that pain must have been intense. i sure know it, because that which you cause another to feel, you ultimately cause yourself to feel. and i have never felt so much pain in such concentrated amounts. i never want to cause that kind of pain again. i never want to harm another again. i never want to fall asleep at the wheel of my life EVER AGAIN. the pain inflicted on myself is enough to put me in my place for a lifetime.
i can't ask the forgiveness of any of the people i've harmed. they have every right to deny me that, and that's okay.
but i can forgive myself. i can accept that i've made mistakes and forgive myself for them and consciously change my behavior so as to match Who I Want To Be.
here is a passage from Conversations With God Book 3 that has given me much needed strength in this time of inner turmoil. god is speaking to Neale Donald Walsh, who has just expressed his feelings of unworthiness and self-doubt.
Yet I tell you this. You are worthy. As is everyone else. Unworthiness is the worst indictment ever visited upon the human race. You have based your sense of worthiness on the past, while I base your sense of worthiness on the future.
The future, the future, always the future! That is where your life is, not in the past. The future. That is where your truth is, not in the past.
What you have done is unimportant compared to what you are about to do. How you have erred is insignificant compared to how you are about to create.
I forgive your mistakes. All of them. I forgive your misplaced passions. All of them. I forgive your erroneous notions, your misguided understandings, your hurtful actions, your selfish decisions. All of them.
Others may not forgive you, but I do. Others may not release you from your guilt, but I do. Others may not let you forget, allow you to go on, become something new, but I do. For I know that you are not what you were, but are, and always will be, what you are now.
A sinner can become a saint in one minute. In one second. In one breath.
In truth, there is no such thing as a "sinner," for no one can be sinned against -- least of all Me. That is why I say that I "forgive" you. I use the phrase because it is one you seem to understand.
In truth, I do not forgive you, and will not forgive you ever, for anything. I do not have to. There is nothing to forgive. But I can release you. And I hereby do. Now. Once again. As I have done so often in the past, through the teachings of so many others. (pages 86-87)
i love all of you. i don't care who you are, i don't care what your relationship is to me. i don't care if we've never met before. i love you all, because you and i are the same. we are literally One and the same.
do unto others as you would have them do unto you. this is because there is ONLY ONE OF US. there is no other. you are talking to yourself in every interaction with "another." every person you interact with, ever person in the world, is an expression of that which is you. whether it is you in this Now, you in a past Now, or you in a future Now. everyone you meet, or don't meet.
therefore, forgive everyone. no matter what they do or say to you. forgive them, because chances are you have been where they are, and you have done what they are doing. do not sneer upon that which you once were. we are all evolving, and everyone is doing it in their own time and in their own way. be patient. be loving. be forgiving. and stand as an example of Love and Light, always, no matter what comes your way. i know i haven't done that these past couple weeks. but now i recognize my error, and i am taking strides to change and grow. i know you are all doing your best to do the same.
i love you.