letters from the captain

this town is like an old shipwreck. there's treasure buried here, and haunted legends keep most of the divers away. but i ain't scared. i know that treasure is worth enough to set a thousand more ships a-sailing 'cross a crystal blue sea of glorious, God-filled potential. i'm goin' in after it.

i walk the streets and see the faces of sad and broken stories. my heart swells with compassion for their forgetful, frightened minds. they are Divine, too. but like a foot that's been sat on for too long, they've forgotten Who they are connected with. so i smile, knowing Who I Am, because that's the best i can do for these beautiful creatures. maybe they'll remember to look in the mirror.

sometimes i forget my own Connection. it's then that i become distressed, and feel the weight of the world on my tiny human shoulders. how can one woman with such grand desires ever fulfill herself and comfort the world at the same time? she can't. just as it's not possible for one heart cell to pump all the blood to the rest of the human body, one human being cannot bring love to the entirety of man. but she can love her God, and through her, God can love her creation. and maybe, just maybe, her love will be more contagious than swine flu. and love is not just airborne. you and i, our hearts are talking to each other, even though we don't even know each other. even if you're on the other side of the planet from me, my heart is sending electromagnetic pulses in a radius that spans the entire globe and out into the universe.

talk about collective consciousness.

what if you only loved your family. purely and unabashedly gave each of your family members love and appreciation in every moment you were together. and the hearts of you and your family beat in the rhythm of the love of God. and that rhythm was pulsed out to each and every heart on this planet. and someone in another corner of the world had a heart that picked up on that Holy Rhythm, and suddenly became inspired to go home and love his family. do you see where this leads?

it begins with the simplest gesture of openness. when we were little, we remembered that it was safe to love everyone. so we did. but our parents got scared and punished us and told us that some people are not okay to love. they told us that we ourselves are not okay to love. it's not their fault though, because once upon a time, they were also little ones who remembered the wonders of loving everyone. and they were also born into families that were scared.

but you can be the beginning of a new pattern. you can fill yourself with love.

oh they'll call you selfish. they'll think you're a little wacky. but it feels so good that you won't care what they think, because you'll have compassion for them. because you remember what it felt like to be afraid of love. and you remember that ultimately, everyone only wants to love. it's what makes us the most Human.

we love.

you are safe here. because God is here, and God is taking care of everything for you. you don't need to worry anymore. you don't need to make anything happen. God is doing it all.

i am finding the treasure. i find pieces of it every day. i don't see a shipwreck anymore. i see the most magnificent future anyone could conceive of. and i have God on my side. i know the future is certain to be magnificent.

love.

it's been a while

so

i haven't written anything in a while. i've been journaling, but nothing for public view. however public this is.

scorpio is a time of transformations. shedding the old to make space for the brand new. allowing what doesn't serve you to fall away, while having the knowing that what does serve you will come in to take its place.

transformation can be a turbulent time for those who don't recognize it as transformation time. things fall apart in this time. you might get fired from your job. your mate might leave you. other things may go all to hell. these things that go "wrong" are part of the exoskeleton you are shedding. you no longer fit in that exoskeleton. trust that this is what is happening, and don't resist the changes the universe is making in your life. things will sort themselves out. but the more you resist, the longer it will take for Source to bring you what you need. just give the steering wheel over to the Larger Forces, and trust that what becomes of life will be more to your liking than you can imagine.

"negative" emotions may arise at this time. don't resist or judge them. don't punish yourself for feeling them. you wouldn't punish yourself for seeing red and orange, rather than only purple and blue. you know that these colors are just different frequencies of the same energy. red is light moving at a slower rate than purple. but it's ultimately the same thing.

well the same goes for "negative" and "positive" emotions. they are both of value, because they are both showing you how close you are to being who you REALLY are. who you really are, who you were when you first came into this world, is a joyful, excited, loving being. the reason why children are so wonderful to be around is because they remind us of who we REALLY ARE. we un-learned our natural way of being. and so many people are used to living in a state of less-than-bliss, because they think it's normal. i do it too. well, i don't think it's normal, but it's a habit.

anyway, when emotions come up during times of transformation, feel them, and allow them to be released. don't push them away or condemn them or argue with them or convince yourself to feel otherwise. and don't perpetuate a story to back up the emotion. just feel the emotion and notice it like you would notice the color of a flower, or the feeling of water on your hand. notice what it feels like, and let it go when it's ready to go.

likewise, physical things may need to be released. right now i am in the process of cleaning my room. and i mean CLEANING MY ROOM. i used to have a habit of saving little odds and ends just for the hell of it. now i'm finding that my life is cluttered with all this crap that doesn't belong here. i'm going through all of it and getting rid of probably 80%.

don't be afraid of letting all of these things go. as a mass consciousness, we have trained ourselves into a mindset of scarcity. we fear letting go of physical things because "what if i can't get more?" it's the mindset that underlies much of the over-eating problem in this country. "clean your plate, there are children in africa who are starving." well those children in africa have nothing to do with how full my stomach is, do they? if i'm full, i'm full, and i don't need to be eating any more.

notice what no longer serves you. i quit smoking weed because the more i do it, the worse i feel, mentally and physically. i'm not condemning the use of marijuana, but i have used it enough in my life. it no longer serves me. and i have no qualms about letting that habit go.

when you are trusting enough to let go of the old, the new is allowed to come in and replace it. and the new will take forms that you may not have ever imagined. new friends will come along to replace the ones you no longer vibe with. new pastimes will come into your awareness and will fill the time that the old pastimes once filled.

there is no judgement here. "old" is not "bad." and don't make judgements on yourself for having things, people, or habits in your life that others may have released. what serves me is different from what serves you. just because i quit smoking doesn't mean you're required to. it doesn't make me better than you, or vice versa. it's just a difference in preference. you don't need to push away things you think are bad for you. release things when they are ready to be released. there's no rush, and there's nothing to be afraid of. no matter what, you're alright!

i hope this brings clarity for those of you who are reading this. big things are happening at this time on our planet. if you are watching the "news," you'll notice that things are falling apart at a faster and faster rate. people seem to be panicking and freaking out more than ever. if you'll recognize that this is a large-scale transformation, and apply what i've said about your personal life to the larger scope, you'll come to a place of calm understanding that things are just shifting around. we have so many people on this planet, contributing to the mass consciousness of the world we live in. there is a lot that has to be shifted. there is a very big exoskeleton that needs to be shed. but the brand new creature that is emerging from that exoskeleton is glorious to behold, and better than anyone can conceive of right now. just have trust in that and ride this wave. don't get caught up in the fearful stories. just ride through this energy and you'll see, big things are moving into place as you read this. and it's all very very good :)

love!

november brings new awareness

it's november already! whew, i sure have been sprinting through time and space. it seems like just yesterday i was angstily waiting for spring to bring me out of hibernation.

time is relative.

i haven't written much in a while. it feels like i've been doing a lot. energetically, i've been busy. and i feel really good! i've been flying lately! these last few weeks have been spectacular!

friday is my birthday! hoorayyyyy! i love birthdays! it's an excuse to celebrate myself! i am turning 21 this year, and i am making my part as classy and awesome as possible. i have a phish cover band playing, wine and cheese, cupcakes, and a tarot reader! yes! classy attire (including a tiara for moi!). i just love extravagance sometimes, and ridiculousness, and fun. i love throwing parties. i love bringing people together to have fun. it's what humans are best at.

i've been noticing my patterns of self-criticism and perfectionism. because i am so attentive to detail, since detail is what makes a good character/scene/plot good, i have a habit of picking on myself for my "imperfections." i bite hangnails and pick at blemishes on my skin. i kick myself internally whenever i misspeak or step on someone's toes or "sound stupid." i am a lot more self conscious than i thought, and it seems to have increased since i became more aware of the goings-on in my mind. perhaps it's just the awareness that seems to have magnified it. either way, i am now allowing myself to let go of those self-critical patterns that are holding me back from feeling the best about Who I Really Am.

when i criticize myself, i feel bad. not because it's true. not because i need to work on myself and make myself better. i feel bad because there is a vibrational discord in the energy of the criticizing thought, and the perspective that Source takes. Source sees me as a glorious being, with gifts and talents beyond measure. Source finds me to be beautiful in every way. Source loves every single cell of my body, every word that comes from my mouth, every neuron that fires in my brain. Source folds me into its loving embrace in every moment. when i know this, my heart sings. my nerves tingle. my spirit soars! when i deny this, i feel the gap as negative emotion.

i'm thankful for my growing awareness of Source's infinite Love for all that I Am.

first a pumpkin patch, then an old fellow high school student?

another weird dream coincidence today...

i had a dream that these girls brought in a huge pita bread (HUGE, like 6 feet in diameter) and they unfolded it on the ground, and i was like WHOA! who made that? and one of them said "katie r. made it" and i was like "oh." then today at work, katie r. comes in and orders a chai latte and i'm like DUDE! you were in my dream last night! and she was like "uh..." (hahaha, the relationship between us in high school, where we knew each other, was zilch... i knew who she was, she knew who i was, but we didn't talk at all, and i hadn't seen her since graduation).

anyway, i thought it was funny, not only because she is random person to have in my dream, but that she just as randomly showed up at my work RIGHT when i was there!

lol.

i had a great success coaching session with matthew ashdown (http://www.matthewashdown.com/) and i am so excited for more! what a sweet dude!

i feel like life is unfolding magnificently, and it's getting easier and easier to trust in that greater Order, and allow it to be. :D

anyway, i don't have much fluffy stuff to say right now, i just wanted a record of my dream synchronicity.

love!

it's 10/10/10

well, it's october 10, 2010. that means by the time i post this, it will be 10:10 on 10/10/10

it's my mom's birthday today, and she turned 55. her birthday was 10/10/55. pretty awesome numerology there, huh?

hehe

so far, it's been a great month! many things are manifesting, not just for me, but for a lot of friends of mine. it's also been a very intense month, emotionally and energetically. it's difficult to explain... but it's not just me. several of my friends have reported similar feelings to mine: oscillations between sheer joy, to overwhelming emotion that seems to have no logical reason. it's beautiful, and it's strange, and it's exciting. i'm so thrilled to see what is coming. i can feel that big things are ready to pop! it feels very much like i imagine a pregnancy would feel... i am just waiting for the universe to give birth to all the amazing manifestations that are incubating right now. and i am feeling excited, just like an expectant mother would.

last night i dreamed that my neighbors approached me and told me about a place where you could get pumpkins for one dollar each. then today, my sister and i went to the mall to get a birthday gift for my mother, and on the way back (taking the scenic route) we came right up to a pumpkin place that had a big ol' sign that said "Pumpkins $1!" we cracked up, because i had told her about the dream, and she had said "there's a place somewhere around here that has pumpkins for cheap... but i don't know where it is." she has just started driving, so i was giving her directions, and at one point we came to an intersection and i didn't know which way was fastest to go home, but there were two signs, and one pointed to a town that was familiar to me, and i knew how to get home from there. so i said "let's go right." and about a mile down that road was the pumpkin patch! we were so thrilled, we stuck an extra dollar in the box (after we folded them all into little origami hearts, of course).

also, it was a beautiful day! incredibly warm, especially for october. it was warm even for august or july! fall is going to be a slow and languid transition this year. that's fine by me. many people are very anxious that we haven't had a frost yet.... "it's global warming! it's fucked up!" but i believe that everything in this world is in its perfect place, including the temperature. i'm not justifying polluting the environment or anything... but i have faith in a much larger force, and i am giving up my worries to that force, knowing that it can handle these comparatively small problems. when more of us are able to do this... to release this anxiety and fear... then we will find the planet is amazingly capable of bringing herself into balance.

i'm so very thankful to be living on this planet, in this body, at this time. it's amazing to witness the things that are happening right now. i am so excited for what is coming, and i am so appreciative of the value of past challenges. and i know that i am in the right place. everything is arranging itself for my greatest happiness and growth, as well as yours and everyone else's.

thank you for choosing to come to this planet, to help create a glorious experience of love and peace, the likes of which humanity has yet to see. we are blessed to have you join us.

happy 10/10/10 everybody! it's not gonna happen again for another 1000 years (and who knows, by then we may not have numbers assigned to months and years...)

love!

trees don't drink coffee

golden tears

fill the sky

from rooted Beings

joyously moving on

to the next stage of life

never looking back

always moving on

into the next season

whatever it may bring

Trusting in the Goodness

the Rightness

ultimate Patience

tranquility

and all around

mobile beings

seeking

searching

hunger for something more

blindly ignoring

the Gentle Giants

and their Teaching

everything anyone seeks

is right here

right now

no need to worry

just Breathe it in

the Eternal Love of Life

once upon a time, a girl loved her Life

and Life loved her

Life loved the girl so much

every day, He did his best

to show His love for her

He brought her flowers

she smelled them

and loved them

He brought her gifts

of shells

and stones

and trees

and the greatest gift of all

a glorious Body

in which she played

and explored Life

together they were happy

then, one day, Life brought to the girl

a beautiful boy to play with

this boy loved Life, too

and together they laughed

and Life loved them both

but soon

too soon

the day came

when the boy had to go a different way

saying, "i love you

but i love Life more

and i cannot change my Life

for you."

and with him gone

the girl was saddened

"Life is worthless

without him"

she said

still, Life brought her flowers

and kissed her face with the wind

but she turned away from Him

and slept long in the quiet of her room

and cried, her heart breaking

"i loved him more than Life itself!"

she lamented

but Life chuckled to himself

and still he brought her flowers

and even as she breathed

the air he gave her

every second

she cried

and mourned her loss

"he was my one true love!"

sorrow filled her very being

she could not find the strength

to lift her head

from the pillow of depression

she wished Life would just

go away

He was so persistent

and all she wanted was the boy

but Life knew that she would Remember

and so He still gave her flowers

and breathed his Life Breath into her

and kissed her face with the warmth of the sun

and rejoiced in her being

for He only had eyes for her

He loved her for eternity

and even as she scoffed

at His miraculous Gifts

still He loved her even more

then, after much time had passed

weeks?

months?

years?

she couldn't remember

suddenly she recalled

a dream

in which she was filled with love

for Life itself

the memory flooded her mind

and heart

and Life said "i love you

and always have

and even as you cried

and railed against Me

still i cradled you in my Eternal Embrace

i love you, dear one.

we are mates for all of Existence."

love filled her being

for she realized then and there

that her One True Love

was Life itself

and He was never gone from her

and never would be

He surrounded her

and engulfed her

she breathed Him in

and drank of His sweet nectar

sang His songs

and celebrated His beauty

and her voice rang out

"i love Life more than anything!"

and she greeted the new dawn

with a passion

she had never known

for any boy

in particular.

her honesty

you really want to know

the depths of my Being?

do you really want to

hear the honest-to-Goddess

Truth

of my experience of You?

to whom are you speaking?

i am but a reflection

and somehow you noticed

a part of yourself

so beautiful you couldn't look away

and you asked It for the Truth

because you knew that

the Truth

is Who I Am

it's why you cannot resist

the glint of my Vision Globe

that soft machine

transmitter

of so much more than prisms

it's not as stark and impersonal

as you think

you don't remember? really?

you haven't lied awake and told yourself

"there has to be something i'm forgetting...

this can't be it, i remember there being

something more to it..."

like that feeling you might get

on a lucky occasion

while sleeping

dreaming

and suddenly you remember

you have another life

beyond this bizarre and

sensational Realm

this isn't real

i'm creating this

i remember Now

so.

the Truth.

the Truth is, i love you.

yes, i am talking about you

in

particular.

and i know you love me

because nobody does anything

other than Love.

it's a Verb.

it's a state of Being.

and something in me

is oh so curious

to watch you wake up to that

and know it for yourself

and rejoice in it with me

go ahead

take your time

i can wait for eternity.

inevitably unstoppable

My mind has a fear

that if I allow myself

to feel this Love

I will soon be hurting

for they say

“love doesn't last.”

but my heart

doesn't remember hurt

and now it's too late

the seeds of passion

have taken root

in the crevasses

and the memory of your face

is the sunlight that nourishes

the sprout

of a glorious tree

waiting in the future

for you to climb it

and pick its fruit.

home

What is my favorite flower

to smell?

Your hair, of course

thick and dark

sweet and full of life

kissing my nose

with innocence and honesty.

Where is my favorite place on the shore

overlooking the ocean

deep and wide?

Before your eyes, without a doubt;

allowing my ship

to be carried away

by the ever-beckoning

rhythmic pulling

of emotion.

Which is my favorite light of day:

the cool diamond light

of the gibbous moon

by the fireside

where fairies

dance to the beat of drums?

Or the sparkle of buttery

sunshine smiling through

the dew on a

spider web on a branch

by a river?

Both are lovely,

but, when viewed

with You,

made a thousand times

lovelier

by light of your Glow.

Of what does the sound

of my favorite birdsong

remind me?

The sweet, gentle drawl

of your tabacco-soaked

voice

as you tell me your story

through softly snarling lips.

In the crook of what tree

would I love to sit

to read all day

and sing Love's songs

to the shade of the branches

overhead?

In the bend of your arm

and the curve of your waist

is where I find

the most comfortable

patch of bark.

What is my favorite

hill

to climb

and look out over

the forest below?

The slope of your

right eyebrow

must be, by far

the most delightful

to my eyes and feet.

And where is the key

that unlocks the gate

to this glorious paradise

where the seeds of my dreams

are planted and nurtured?

Well I'll tell you alone

that I've put it away

in the most silent

and sacred

place in my heart

in a wooden box

with flowers on the top.

beside the fire

"you're blushing, Hyena,"

he smirked

as he sipped sensuously

at his hand-rolled cigarette

she beamed at him

with brown eyes wide

heart pounding with a

Knowing deep from within

she had caught a glimpse

from the corner of her eye

but dared not look

for she knew their souls

recognized each other

but she first Asked

"is it him?

could it possibly be?"

and she felt the Answer

a joyful, swirling mass of

"YES!

We are here! I am your

Soul Mate, and always

have been! I have always

loved you. I have never

been far. I am peeking

out through the eyes of

all you see here

and i can manifest in

any one you Choose."

and she rejoiced

in this Knowing

and silently told her

SoulMate

"I love you so much

my heart is fit

to burst

i wish to bestow

this feeling

into the heart

of everyone i meet

and if You should

never manifest

into one beautiful

Being, i would

not mourn

for i Know

of your Love

for me

and feel it so strongly.

surely i shall feel this

Full

Always."

and she turned to him

eyes bright

shining with

the Love of her SoulMate

and in his eyes

she recognized herSelf

shining back at her

and she knew he was

The One of her Choosing

she Knew that her

SoulMate

had come down

from the Heavens

to possess the beautiful body

of a boy

with a porkpie hat

and a crooked nose

and a smooth, nasal drawl

and a slouch of the hip

and a twenty-minute-long

cigarette

and the lips of an angel

he asked her for her middle name

he told her his pet peeve:

silent letters in useless places

like the "l" in "salmon"

which happened to be

his favorite color.

spontaneous poems written on some coffee shop napkins

there is no need for such sad

puppy dog eyes

do you need an apology

to make you feel better?

it will be no better than an aspirin

or a good bong rip

eventually the pain will come back

in some form or another

and you'll wonder to yourself

"why is this happening again?

it feels so familiar

it seems i know nothing else..."

love is not what we shared

love is what happens when

you are so in love with yourSelf

that nobody else matters

and when two people

so full of love for themselves

come together

that is when sparks fly

i don't want anything less

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i have been told i am "full of myself"

duh!

who else am i supposed to be full of?

who are you trying to fill yourself with?

not me, i hope.

you wouldn't like leftovers

especially when your own Self

so fresh and beautiful

tastes so much more delicious

than anything i could offer you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

the moon is a big pink mirror

reflecting back my one prayer

to know myself

to hear the truth

to love All That Is

but what happens after the moon wanes away?

where does that prayer go?

off into the darkness

to the end of the universe?

or does it disperse

into the ether

dissolving like sugar in a cup of black coffee

perhaps to come back to me tomorrow

through the eyes of some bystander...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ode To A Chocolate Strawberry Milkshake

if only you could have lasted a little bit longer

so sweet

filling my experience with flavor

i try to deny

that my cup will soon be empty

but when the annoying

oh so obnoxious

sound of wet air

slurps through my straw

i cannot fool either of us further

O, plastic cup

you have nothing more to offer me

is it so crass

to throw you in the trash?

there will be more milkshakes in my future

but you were delicious while you lasted.

i am the summer

i am the buzz of a cicada
which sings to itself
on a lonely prairie
of maple bark
shaded by the green solar panels

i am the squawk of a blue jay
cacophonous and persistent
a trickster
hidden in the bushes in front of your house

i am the tickle of an ant
crawling across the smooth expanse
of your left foot
searching for something
anything
that may be of use to the Colony

i am the Secret
which the wind
whispers into the ear of an oak tree
passed down through the generations
and heard by One
who remembers how to Listen

i am the flutter in the heart
of a child of twenty one
who hears the call of Spirit
and questions whether she has heard
anything at all

i am the sizzle of an onion on a hot grill
i am the chirp of a cardinal calling to its mate
i am a lonesome dobro in an empty cafe
i am a piece of cherry pie shared with a stranger on a rainy day
i am a puddle undernieth a swing while a rainbow stands guard just beyond the pine trees
i am a molecule in a sea of orange that gods call "marigold"
i am a crow shitting unabashedly on the heads of passers by
i am the song of rain on a canopy of leaves as two gods sit below
discussing their Creation

day of creation

today is a little bit lazy for me. i'm feeling good, i'm having fun imagining my life the way i want it to be. i'm loving my creation. i'm feeling a relaxed expectation.

it's a little bit rainy and gloomy outside, so i'm sort of lounging about... i'll snooze and read tarot cards for a little bit, and then i'll ride my bike around and look at things. i have fun riding my bike! i live in such a beautiful town, there are so many old gnarly buildings to look at and plenty of beautiful trees and hills. the weather this summer has been spectacular. the perfect variety of rain, sun, humid, dry. it's awesome.

i'm so excited about moving to austin! every day i wake up and it's the first thing i think about! and i think about it all day and then i go to sleep thinking about it, imagining it, dreaming it. it feels so good to imagine! it feels so good to daydream! now i remember what it was like when i was a kid, i was always dreaming something up. dreaming up my new treehouse. dreaming up my VW Bus (which i'm still dreaming up today! it's actually a possibility now :D). dreaming up my 7-floor mansion with pool, spa, and a different theme on every floor. dreaming up my kitchen and all the details. dreaming up whatever i could dream up about my future! when i was a kid, i just KNEW i would be rich and have whatever i wanted in my house! i just KNEW i would get everything i desired! and for some reason i forgot, but that's ok, because it just caused my desire to become stronger. so strong, in fact, that now that i am aligning with the good feeling of the desire, pure desire, it MUST come! ooooh, i love it! i love love love love love knowing the laws of creation.

life is becoming easier and easier, more and more fun, more and more delicious, more and more beautiful! i love living on this planet, full of so many amazing things to see and experience, taste and touch, hear and smell! i love my physical body and all of its abilities and sensing capabilities. i love knowing that i create my life with the power of my focused thoughts! i love saturating my mind with the desire and the feeling and the image of my home in austin, tx. i love knowing that abundance comes to me when i'm feeling this good! i love knowing that i have a divine inheritance that flows easily into my experience. i love being free and independent, and i LOVE giving of my abundance. i love buying treats for people. i love buying dinner for friends. i love grocery shopping and buying whatever food i want! i love having my own place and filling it with things i love. i love being surrounded by amazing people who are beautiful and creative and growing right alongside me. i love having deep, trusting, and loving friendships. i love intimacy with creative and beautiful men. i love my life and all it brings to me every day. i love it! i love living here! i love my creation! i love talking about how much i love my life! hahahahahaha!

YES!

pruning the mind

i just got back from running. it's amazing how good it feels to run. you reach a point where your body is just moving, and your mind becomes distinctly slower and more easy to focus.

there are many people who wish to dismiss the mind as a distraction, something to be ignored. but this world has many components, and all of them have a purpose. the mind is no less a component of this world, with a definite purpose. just because we do not fully understand its purpose, and have not mastered the skill of making it work for us, does not mean it is something to be discarded. it is a similar attitude that doctors once had towards tonsils or the appendix. "it's just going to cause trouble in the future, might as well take 'em out now."

the purpose of meditation, i've found, is not to silence the mind or make it stop... rather it is to notice what is going on within the mind. there are a lot of automatic programs running, and in the midst of the plethora of external distractions, it is easy for these thoughts to slip under the radar of consciousness. useless thoughts, assumptions, judgements, destructive thoughts... these are all programs that we have picked up along the way, hardly noticing what we've downloaded. meditation, or simply quiet contemplation, allows one to notice the mind's habits, see what is serving or not serving, and begin to gently shift the thoughts into new places, new frequencies.

it's like listening to the radio (or your iPod these days) as background noise. and a song comes on that, at first you don't really notice, but you begin to feel sad or nostalgic, singing along absent-mindedly, thinking about a memory that you have attached to the song, and soon enough you're headed down a train of thought about an ex-boyfriend and how he wasn't fair to you. before you know it, you're steeped in a bad mood, and can't seem to shake it.

but the mind is not the one in control here. each one of us has the power to change the station. each one of us has the power to choose a different thought, and continue to choose thoughts of that nature until that is the predominant song playing in the background. and the more you practice "minding the mind" and focusing on new thoughts, the easier it becomes to detect thoughts that don't jive with the station you're tuning in to... it sounds like static, and you have a strong desire to shift the thought immediately so you can keep listening to the beautiful song you've been hearing.

i think what is meant by "transcendence" is... not identifying with any one part of the Whole. the mind is only one aspect. the body is only one aspect. the soul is only one aspect. together, they make up a divine trinity. but no one part can exist without the others, and the Whole is not Whole without each part. the mind is not to be discarded. the body is not to be ignored. the soul is not to be squandered. listen to each part, incorporate each part in your day to day life... this is what it is to be transcendent. to be ALIVE.

speaking of alive, i have an avocado tree growing! it's about 8 inches high now! wow, i'm so excited, it is really flourishing!

well, i don't really know what else to add to this post. off to snack land!

love!

making progress...?

there's this antsy-ness within me.... a feeling like "am i supposed to be doing anything? give me a clue as to what i should be doing right now to manifest my desires!" but there's really not much i can do right now, other than sit tight, and practice feeling good about where i am. i've created a daily routine for myself, which i have promised myself to follow every day for the next 10 weeks until i move to austin. it feels good, because without any kind of structure to my day, i just wander around ambiguously, wasting time in random ways. and at the end of the day, i reflect and recognize that i've been completely unproductive, and then i feel bad. and the purpose of my life is to feel good, so if structuring my day makes me feel like i did something in the direction of my goals, i'm gonna do it, because feeling good is important to me!

my intuition is becoming pretty sensitive... or rather, i'm becoming more sensitive to my own intuition. but i've just begun to get used to it, so i misunderstand sometimes. like, i'll feel doubt about something, and i'm not sure if it's my own resistance due to negative thought patterns, or if it's my intuition telling me that it's not going to happen or that it's not where i should direct my energy.

it's easy for me to get excited about imagining moving to austin, because i believe i've been intuiting this move for a while.

something that definitely needs to shift within me is my point of focus. i feel like i'm turned in the wrong direction. most of my thoughts are about moments in the past. and nothing i desire is in the past! and i can feel the negative emotion telling me i'm focused in the wrong direction, splitting my energy. the next 10 weeks is going to be devoted to focusing more and more in the direction of the future, and what i am becoming.

it's hard to experience life, and listen to music, and watch television, without catching some little glimpse of enlightenment, casually tossed out into the wind with the unconscious hope that it might inspire a greater Knowing. i read two Rolling Stone articles this week... one about Michael Cera, and one about Katy Perry... and both of the articles had a fine, hardly detectable dusting of that Knowing. it's amazing. once your eyes are open, you see other open eyes everywhere, and you realize that everything really is self-aware, even if it is under the illusion of forgetfulness.

i think i want to write about relationships today...

why have we romanticized the painful pining after someone who is clearly uninterested? i feel like i've been doing this my whole life, since the first time i can remember having a crush on someone. i had a crush on a kid from kindergarten until 6th grade. and then i gave that one up and had a crush on a different kid who looked like harry potter. he hated me! but i still "loved" him. and i only gave up on that one because i moved out of state. and then i found another boy to obsess over, who very clearly did not want me, not even as a friend really (nowadays we're pretty good acquaintances, and i'm friends with his mom, lol!). but i had a crush on him from 7th till 9th grade. and i only gave up on that one because he left school! and it doesn't stop there! it only became more and more intense, more and more lonely, more and more pathetic and depressing.

recently, i went on a camping trip with a stranger. he was in his late 50s, early 60s perhaps. when i met him, i could feel the energy of "he's interested in me more than a casual friend." we met at a little orchard where there was a show happening to benefit veterans. we talked, in a group, about peace and politics and such. i was a little low on energy that day, and i listened more than talked. but this dude seemed pretty interested in me, and i could tell. i gave him my email, because i have a magazine and am always looking for contributors.

anyway, he emailed me a few times, in a mournfully romantic way, sort of poetic and lovesick. the energy felt very familiar to me, and a little irritating. he asked me to come camping with him in a beautiful forest on an island in a little lake. i didn't answer, because i was, at the time, feeling bummed out and anxious about yet another failed attempt at continuing a romantic connection with a boy i met at the rainbow gathering. he sent me an email less than a day later entitled "deafening silence" and said "forgive me for overreaching. have a good week."

i instantly felt compassion, because he was displaying to me the exact energy i was feeling towards this rainbow kid. "deafening silence" is a bit of an understatement! i wrote this kid letter after letter, i sent him artwork. he asked me to do so! i sent him facebook messages. i tried calling him. and i only heard like a total of 5 sentences from him. when we met at rainbow, the connection was amazing, and we had so much fun for a few days. he brought me home and gave me one last kiss, and smelled my hair. i told him i would miss him, and gave him a kiss on the cheek. and that was that. so painfully brief.

i romanticized the long-distance lovers idea... writing letters and anticipating the day when we would see each other again. i sent him so much love, and all i received was unemotional half-sentences that were cryptic and vague. i could feel his energy was just not there. and i freaked out and asked him what was going on? was there something wrong? did i do something to scare him away? then one day he said "maybe i only wanted a connection at rainbow..."

devastation!

anyway, so back to the camping trip. i felt compassion, and decided i was willing to open my heart and mind to the idea of enjoying peace and quiet in a beautiful natural setting. but i felt it only fair to give him the fair warning that i wish i could have had. clear communication about my intentions and feelings. so i told this old dude "i have given it thought, and i would like to come with you. but i have to make it very clear to you, i do not want any kind of romantic interaction of any kind whatsoever. i may be making assumptions here, but my radar is usually pretty on-point." so he agreed to "give me space."

but physical space and energetic space are two very different things! not only did i feel a strong and displeasing pull from him, i felt like i was drowning in his overwhelming misplaced desire! it was aweful, and i felt terrible putting up a big wall around my heart, in an attempt to give him maybe a not-so-subtle hint that i was very much NOT interested in him AT ALL. i was blatantly rude to him, and on the drive home i just blew up at him. i felt terrible being that way. but it's the most suffocating energy. i just wanted to escape the whole thing.

then as soon as i got home, i checked my facebook messages and i had received a message from a guy saying "hello queen," telling me that i was the angel of his dreams, that he wanted me and only me. i told him i wasn't interested, but he was incessant. he would not listen to the word "no." and i finally blocked him altogether because he just didn't get it.

it's so obvious now, laying it all out, that these two suffocating men were just showing me the energy i have been putting forth with regards to relationships. i know, i can feel it, i can recognize what it feels like from the inside and outside. but now, it's tricky, because i don't really know what a detached love feels like. i don't really recognize it... or i do, but somehow i keep slipping into the old habit of disempowerment... like i am drowning in my own loneliness, and whenever someone comes along i cling to them and pull them under in an attempt to get some air.

i think i just keep flailing about, forgetting that i'm a pretty good swimmer and i don't need anyone to rescue me.

it's just been so played up by the movies we watch and the books we read... the protagonist is a homely but sweet man who's never known true love, but sees the woman of his dreams, and at first she doesn't notice him, but he waits for her. he does little things for her, in the hopes that she might one day notice him and almost pity him, and give him a chance, and discover that he's really a sweet and romantic man who can provide her with everything that makes her happy (except a sexy-ass bod and great sex). they get married and live happily ever after, the beauty and the beast.

but TRUE love is not like that! TRUE love has to be an immediate and mutual connection, and a gradual building of a trusting friendship, and an eventual confession of "more-than-just-friends" feelings. at least, that's how i feel like it should be for me. this can exist for everyone, i believe. but both individuals must be free and empowered, standing tall as their own God/dess earth-forms. there cannot be one who is feeling less than their full selves. because that one will suck the life out of the other, and the other will just feel suffocated and chained-down. we must all remember that we are independently responsible for our own happiness and love. that these feelings do not come from outside of oneself, but from that place within. that place of pure appreciation for the way things are Now. that place of clarity, recognizing the Perfection and Divinity of Everything That Is. when you reside in that place more often than not, you're bound to rendezvous with another who is as well, and who enjoys being there with you.

it's time for the perpetuation of the romantic lie to end. it's been the most painful lie to live, and it's tentacles still have a hold of my big toe. but i'm done feeding that monster! it does not serve me, and never did.

love!

the ultimate freedom

it's amazing... i've reached such a free place in my experience... physically, things are still the same... but i've let go of one of the biggest fears that was holding me up.

ever since i Awakened last summer, i've been so very aware of where i was (angry, depressed, etc), and was in a way pushing against those feelings... trying to stop "negative" thoughts... trying to avoid getting aggravated or sad... but finally i've come to this understanding that those feelings are always going to be there. i'm always going to have times when i feel depressed. and there will always be times when i feel elated. there will always be times when i feel agro. and there will be times when i am brutally honest. this is true empowerment. to own all of those emotions, and feel them as they come, and still be okay with it. to create a beautiful sad moment is just as valuable as creating a beautiful happy moment. in fact, sometimes the beautiful sad moments are even more home-hitting than the happy ones. because a happy moment always comes with that seed of sadness that "this too shall pass."

this is what the yin-yang symbol is. in the black, there is a seed of white. in the dark, dismal emotions, there is a seed of light... that Knowing that "this too shall pass." and when you find that seed of Knowing, you stand on it and look into the darkness and find the beauty there, and think "hey. i'm alright. and this emotion isn't killing me. it's actually kind of pretty." and while you're standing on that white island, suddenly you find it growing, to become the white half, and within the white half is a seed of Knowing that "this too shall pass." and you appreciate all of it, and feel thankful that you made it this far. this is when things become truly magical. this is when the universe shows itself to you in all it's glory. and after going through this oscillation enough times, you come to find peace within it. you know what's coming. and you embrace the transformation. and you surrender and become more willing to show All of yourSelf to the universe. the happy and the sad. the agro and the peaceful. the depression and the elation. and you feel no shame. you just have such a pure desire to share your Whole Self with this magnificent experience called Life. and you do it whole heartedly and passionately. you don't care what the people at the grocery store think when you break down suddenly in front of the array of cheeses. you dance with the abandon of a child in front of a crowd of people. you laugh out loud at what seems to be nothing at all, but you know you're laughing at the perfect absurdity of Everything and Everyone. and you relish in how delicious a bag of chips is.

i don't want to eliminate anything from my experience. i don't want to eliminate half of my experience just in the hopes of achieving the manifestation of all of my physical desires. i don't think that's what life is about. life is about watching the crazy people walk down main street saying things like "i'm not sexy no more... i've got a great butt though!" (yes, i heard someone say this today as i was eating a sandwich outside a deli in my town. i laughed so hard!). life is about the Critical Moment, when the cicadas are buzzing real loud, and the grass is wet from the rain that just went away, and the orange light of the street lamps is sparkling on everything in a strangely comforting way. and you're walking with a kid that you met fifteen minutes earlier and you're talking about how big the universe is. and you're remembering how you felt when you encountered a beautiful boy at a hippie fest in the woods in pennsylvania. and you're pouring your heart out to this stranger, and saying that no matter how much it hurts, i'm still gonna do it all over again because it's worth it to FEEL. that's what life is. it's not this fantasy of driving in a glamourous car with your freshly pressed-on nails and straight, blond hair-extensions. it's not doing yoga every day, eating raw food, and saying positive affirmations and arranging your furniture for the best energy-flow. i refuse to eliminate half of the equation! i want both! i want to do yoga when i want to do yoga. i want to be a motherfuckin gangsta and smoke a blunt with mah homies when i want to be a motherfuckin gangsta smokin blunts with mah homies. it's all part of the movie. and it's all God. it's all perfection. everyone is enlightened, just not all of them remember that they are. but everyone knows their own truth, and when they can say it openly, there is always a nugget of enlightenment to be captured, and treasured.

i love this life so much. i love this planet. i love this body. i love the struggle. i love the ease. i love love love love love it! it's so much fun!

yes!

a video i made

the intuitive Voice is so very quiet in its wisdom. but the more i listen, the stronger it becomes. it is rhythmic and soothing, always telling me exactly what i am needing to hear.

Love and longing are not synonymous

Longing is...

reaching

grasping

aching

pulling

needing

desperate

taking

twisting

groping

LOVE is...

full

expanding

unfolding

becoming

easy

true

overflowing

growing

glowing

oh our dear, dear child! why do you so often go back to doubting yourself? you feel a good thing and you know it can exist anywhere at any time, in any moment that you choose! and then the next day you forget to choose it again? why is it this way? why are you choosing to forget so easily? when you doubt yourself, you are doubting god, and when you doubt god you are doubting everything, and you know the doubting is what is causing you to feel so bad, so why do you choose it? you don't like feeling bad when you're feeling bad, so why do you keep choosing to feel bad? just choose to feel god. choose to feel good. it's not about thinking it, it's about feeling it. don't doubt your feelings, there is nothing to doubt! there is nothing at all to doubt! in other words, DOUBT NOTHING, because NOTHING doesn't EXIST, EVERYTHING EXISTS.

remember in every moment. just remember. it's so much easier than you are choosing to make it. it's as easy as a decisive thought, and then a decisive action, and a continuation of the sequence of those things. just keep going, it gets easier and easier the more you practice it, but the less you practice it, the more you just postpone your own glory. it's okay though, because the more you postpone it, the more glorious it becomes in the waiting for you. but don't let that be your excuse not to go, allow it to be your excuse to soothe yourself into a place of less guilt, more trust. less fear, more trust. less doubt, more trust. less questioning, more trust.

just take a step. one step. god will help you take the rest.

letter to a future self

dear Me,

it seems easier to forget. it seems easier to be lazy and block yourself from your truest Creativity. but it's not easier. it's much much much harder. it's so much harder to not listen to the Call. why make it hard on yourself? just feel good! there really is nothing worth feeling less than good about. it's not a big deal. god is very large, you can trust her! you can trust that s.he is always there, doing exactly what s.he is doing.

see, what you keep doing is forgetting your Place. you are the smaller creator. the Creation is already always happening, and it will happen in the Best way possible, whether you're there or not. you are not Creator from where you're positioned. the larger You is the Creator, and the you that is projected into the physical apparatus is the experiencer, the aligner. just as important a job! no less significant! but you need not fear your own power, because it is not so great as to overthrow the Power of the Creator. just feel good and when you are needed, we will let you know. and you will KNOW. just as you Knew when you Knew that you Knew. a little bluejay flew into your experience and you Knew him before you saw his face. you heard his Call, and that is what it will feel like. reach for that Feeling. yes, that is what the Truth feels like. all else is falsehood, which is just another word for distortion. it's just a warping of the mirage, sort of like the heat coming off of the pavement. it expands the air so that the light bends as it travels through it. such is the way of the Truth and the way you see it. if you have a lens in front of you, the lens of forgetfulness is a different density from the pure remembrance lens, and so the light of Truth is distorted as it passes through. clean your lenses!

you are doing very well. continue to express. even in the times when you feel blank. express the blank. because the blank is also god.

love!

some poems i wrote

Thanks to the Source Of All That Is Good

Sometimes it is frustrating

To be alive
Wondering why I came here
Unsure of what to do next
Knowing that there must be a Good reason
But unsure of what that might be
Feeling constantly suspended
Between utter oblivion
And Supreme Adoration of The All Of It.
In times like this
All I can do
Is hang in there
Suspended
Until I sync up
With the Great iPod In The Sky
And download new Files
Of Ultimate Understanding
And Pure Unadulterated LoveJoyBeauty
In the meantime
I will just pet my doG
And know that All Is Well

Divinely Clever

How clever You are
All the components which have brought me to this place
Right here
This perfect place
Right Now
This Perfect Time
How hilariously clever of You
All the people and things which have
Directly and indirectly
Brought me exactly what I asked for
All the seemingly mundane circumstances
Which have been so divinely orchestrated
As to allow me to be here
Now.
Thank you for being so clever

wHERE?

Here I am
Now
Where?
Here?
Where is Here?
Now.
Where will I be?
Does that matter?
Tomorrow will become Now
But don't worry about that Now.
You can worry later.
But you cannot exist later.
Later is always just a little out of reach
Is it Now yet?

i have come to such strong self-understanding this week! i was out of the vortex for a long time and it was very uncomfortable. i had a brief relationship with a beautiful boy, and in the very beginning it was lovely. but all of my previous relationships have come to me from outside the vortex, and after only a couple of days i had slipped into the old habits of disempowerment. it's amazing how quickly i can forget everything i've come to understand in the face of someone who is very convincingly telling me that my assumptions about the world are incorrect. especially if that very convincing person is an amazing lover.

lol.

i want to feel powerful and glorious and beautiful and bubbly and joyful. these are my natural states of being. i love feeling this way! and i want to stay this way more than i want to have a relationship. i don't need a boy to tell me i am beautiful in order for me to be beautiful. i don't need a boy to skip with me and bring me flowers and stroke my face and kiss my cheek. i don't need a boy to fill me with his beingness and make love to me until the wee hours of the morning. i don't need gifts and sweet nothings whispered into my ear. i don't need that thrill in my heart when a boy pulls me in close with his strong hands and kisses my lips and tells me he adores me. i don't need a boy to tell me he adores me. i don't need any of these things, because i feel very good without them. but i do know that these are things that i will have in my experience and i will enjoy them so very much when they manifest in reality. i'm excited for it!

i love life and all that it brings to me. i love love love love love love love love love it!

bummer?

so my plans appear to have shifted quite rapidly. although now i'm standing uncomfortably in the wake of change, wondering which direction i will go next.

i never liked sudden changes when i was a kid. i guess i'll have to get used to them. it's all in the divine scheme of things, so i know it is perfect and beautiful and that later down the timeline, i will come to appreciate this point of change very much. i do appreciate it now. i am actually enjoying where i am right now. it's just different from what i was planning. i should probably just stop planning things altogether, because my plans ALWAYS change into something much more glorious than what my puny human perspective could come up with. i like the surprises anyway.

the other is always the mirror

nagging thoughts of awkward situations handled poorly

invade my mindspace

and refuse to leave me be.

will they ever go away?

will i ever be free of the cloying feeling

that i should have done it differently?

that i should have been stronger and allowed you to be you

your awkward, bothersome self

your irritating

socially retarded

annoying

frustrating self?

oh yeah....

perhaps i'm talking to myself here

70 posts!

this is my 70th post. cool.

i don't know what to write about!

i went hiking with my parents and my sister today. i kept hopping out of the vortex and mixing it up with my mom. she still thinks she can control me. it's funny. she tells me to do something, or stop doing something, and i just say "no!" and she can't do anything. maybe it's a little "immature" but it feels empowering to me. there are a lot of things i want to do in this world, and if people just tell me to not do something for no reason, i'm always going to choose what i want to do. i'm done with being bossed around. i'm free to make my choices in this life. i am free to be and do what i want.

i'm so excited for my summer trip. i am looking forward to meeting loads of new people and learning and growing from them. i have no idea what i am about to run into! so much happens in such short amounts of time, who knows what will unfold between now and when i leave. who knows what will happen between now and bonnaroo? who knows what will occur between bonnaroo and my birthday?? so much time to span, and so much land to explore and so many people to meet and so much love to spread!

i'm SO EXCITED!

i love life. it's becoming more and more glorious every day. i love the unfoldment of it all. and i love that if one day goes by that isn't as glorious as i want it to be, there is always the next day and the next day and the next day and the next day..... eternity is a long time. infinity is a big number. it's incomprehensible. there's nothing standing between me and tomorrow. there's nothing in this world that can harm me. sure, there may be physical things that could physically break my container. but i am more than my container, and if this one breaks i'll just find a new one. and that will be fun! i love life, and i'm so thankful for every moment i am experiencing. i am learning to appreciate every moment more and more and more, and it's getting easier and easier to focus on the feeling of happiness. it's getting easier to find that sense of eager purposefulness.

well, i'm tired for some reason. probably because i have a magazine to create and i haven't even started on the physical action of it. i have some ideas sort of nebulously floating in my mind, but i just need to sit down and focus my creative energy into doing it. my first issue happened like that. most of my projects and things happen like that. i have a deadline, and i put it off and put it off until the last minute, and then i get a flood of creative energy and i get it all done in a day or less. and it's glorious. i always do better work when i'm just sitting down and doing it all at once. i feel more focused and intentional. if i'm spacing out my work, often (depending on the project) it doesn't turn out as good as if i do it in the midst of an intense burst of creativity. it sucks for college though, because if you've got 3 papers all due within a day of each other, that's a lot of "bursts" that you have to try to have. and that's not quite the same as suddenly feeling the urge to get something done, and sitting down and completing it in no time.

i'm looking forward to going back to school next spring. it's gonna be fun!

blip blop bloop!

LOVE

[edit: this is no longer my 70th post. i deleted the previous post because the photos weren't showing up. bummer. oh well, 69 is better than 70 anyway ;)]

creativity, bonnaroo, and other loveliness

i have had the most wonderful flow of creative energy lately. i love it so much. i made two paintings today! and i just finished carving a face into sculpey clay, from which i am creating a mold. then i'm going to make glass and silver castings of it, which i will turn into jewelry!

yesterday i sold another subscription to my magazine. i had a fantastic day yesterday.

things are getting better and better! i must be in a state of allowing, because i saw two people today that i've been wanting to see for a while! i want to make tomorrow even more awesome than today and yesterday and the day before and the day before have been. oh my goodness, i have been having such a great week! i can't express it enough!

i'm getting very excited about BONNAROO! the universe has cooked up something wonderful for me, and i am loving the unfoldment of it! today i had a strange moment. i was writing in my journal, and i suddenly wanted to look something up online... but then i picked up my iPod touch to do so, but then just as suddenly i forgot what it was i wanted to look up. i had a feeling i should just go to the bonnaroo website and see if something new was there... and what do you know! a contest to win 2 tickets to bonnaroo, and press passes and a video camera with which to interview the music artists! ace! it's mine, i just know it. hello to the b-roo/wired rep who's reading this now saying "haha, word!" thanks for picking me :D

i love all of you, and i hope you are having as much fun as i am!

a beautiful day in the neighborhood

i decided that today is a perfect day to do a photo blog post! i spent the whole day having fun and finding lovely things to photograph. it was wonderful! i'm going to do this more often.



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