quiet Power

you know you've reached a place of Powerful allowing when, in the midst of emotional turmoil, the quiet voice of Reason rings like a clear, high bell over the din of fear and anguish.

The Orchestra

my love for myself has flourished and blossomed so gently and sweetly. now, when an emotion comes up that feels sad or angry or upsetting in some way, i am able to find the source of Love benieth it, and appreciate myself for it.

every emotional response comes from Love, even if it doesn't appear to be Love in the moment of its expression. it always comes from a deep source of Love.

for example, my most recent emotional experiences have been with regards to relationships and romantic love. i've felt a lot of aching, longing, grieving, sadness. it's a feeling most of us have encountered, because it is such a pervasive collective vibration on this planet. it comes from a deep, deep desire to share profound love and bliss with another. this is a beautiful desire (indeed it is the core of every aspect of Creation), and it can be made real in the physical world. all desires can be made real in the physical world. but as we know, it takes a Knowing and a letting go and a Trusting for the Universe to be allowed to make real these desires of ours. the pain we have experienced in romantic relationship is from holding on. and then "losing." we love someone so much that we try to grasp onto them and keep them close and when the inevitable happens... change, of course... we feel the discord as pain and grief because we haven't kept up to speed with life as it has become. the emotions labled "pain," "longing," and "grief," are the discordant sounds of the human instrument being out of tune with the Universal Orchestra. it is what happens when we try to keep playing a beautiful line of music that we loved so much, when the Orchestra has moved on to even more beautiful notes and melodies, and we are now playing the wrong notes.

from where i am now, the best option i can see, if i want to catch up with the Orchestra, is to just stop playing for a little while. i am letting go of relationships. i am letting go of sex. i am letting go of that beautiful and honorable desire. i know that eventually, it is being made real in the physical world. i know this, and i have known it for my entire life. but i have grown weary of trying to make it happen in the wrong timing. i no longer wish to try directing the Orchestra, because it is so Vast and complex and beautiful that i feel constantly lost when i try. i just want to let go, allow my instrument to tune itself up, and play my part as Directed. i want to get into the flow of the Music.

it feels so good to be in the Flow, whether or not others are there with me. that's where i choose to be. i am letting go now.

love,
the Phoenix

acid tripping, sunlight eating, and celibacy

this last week has been beautiful. it's amazing how quickly time passes these days, yet how suspended in each moment i feel most of the time.

last weekend i went to Phish's Super Ball IX. what a great time! i met some amazing people, including a few of the artists who had been hired to make some of the installations at the festival. what cool people they were! and i left the festival feeling inspired to just start making things. my dad gave me a sketch book, and i am realizing how much my drawing muscles have atrophied over the last several years. it's ok though. one revelation i had during the last night of Super Ball was "nothing is lost in the spirit of the Lord."

i never use the term "the Lord," but this phrase came to me after i had taken some acid. i recognized that it applies to everything; physical items, people, talents, knowledge, abilities, connections, health, love... even "sanity" and cognition. every time i felt some worry creep up, that perhaps i was tripping too hard and wouldn't come back this time, i thought of this phrase and knew everything would be alright. hallucinogens always remind me of my ultimate power in choosing how well the Trip goes. whether i am tripping on acid or tripping on life itself, i am always in control of the feeling. in every moment, i can choose to focus on things that bring me down or things that excite me. and when you're tripping, you do not want to focus on things that bring you down, even for a moment, because you can immediately feel where it will take you emotionally, and if you continue down that path, it can really affect you on a deep level, because you may go all the way into the depths of your own self-created hell. this happens in "normal" life as well, but it is much subtler and sneakier sometimes, because your sensitivities aren't heightened to these things. unless you train yourself to become sensitive in that way, and then it becomes easier and easier.

so that is what i am doing now. this week has been lovely because i have been letting go more, and i am finding it easier to do tasks around my house that i was really feeling overwhelmed by. doing laundry, vacuuming, tidying up in general ways. i'm eating well, drinking lots of water, doing yoga, going for walks with my dog, and practicing my artwork. that's what it is. you have to practice.

so i'm also learning the flute. someone sold a flute to my dad for 10 bucks, and he gave it to me to fiddle around with. it's really fun, i can actually make a nice sound on it, and the fingerings aren't very difficult. i played clarinet in middle and high school. this is very different though, because for half of the notes (the higher octave), you have to change your embouchure to make the note higher. but all of that will just take practice as well.

my body is becoming stronger, healthier, more beautiful. it's wonderful to witness, and it is so nice to live in a family that supports these things. yesterday, my dad and i went grocery shopping and bought the most amazing array of fresh fruits, vegetables, and various other items (raw cashews, dates, craisins, granola, honey, peanut butter, almond milk, dark chocolate with sea salt and almonds (!!!), juice, feta cheese, greek yogurt, etc). everything available to me now is something i am in total alignment with eating. one thing i have decided is: i will never again eat meat that has been corn-fed. during the phish festival, i was staying with some dudes from colorado, and they had brought all of this really amazing organic, grass-fed meat. it was unlike any meat i'd ever had before. it was as if i had never eaten meat before in my life, i had been eating some mediocre excuse for meat. for a while i kept fighting with myself, trying to be vegetarian (because i thought i "should"), but not having a good enough excuse to give up meat (i have no problem with eating animals, i see nothing wrong with it). now i have a great excuse to give up most meat, because i don't ever want to eat shitty meat again. grass-fed meat is so much better for the body. it is full of nutrition, and high in omega 3 fatty acids, which are necessary for the body's function. plus it is tastier, has much better texture, and it's not full of antibiotics, hormones, and stress-chemicals from the animals living in unnatural environments.

i haven't talked much about food on this blog before, but i think i will take some time to talk about my perspective on food. we all have our own beliefs about food, and as many of you know, your beliefs create your reality. some people believe that a raw vegan diet is the best for the human body. this is actually coming to be a very popular belief, and i understand why. for the most part, my diet is mainly raw just by default. i love fresh fruits and vegetables, they are delicious. often i will steam my veggies (you can't really eat raw asparagus... it just doesn't work). but there are many other things that humans have invented that are incredibly nutritious and beneficial to the human body. for example: yogurt. this is an amazingly healthy food, and it is neither raw nor vegan. it hosts a number of healthy bacteria that assist the body's digestion. it is also high in protein and healthy fat. plus, if it is coming from grass fed cows, it is high in vitamins and nutrients that the cow received from the grass it ate, which received the loving rays of the sun.

if you think about eating sunlight, you'll have a good diet. the closer you are to eating fresh sunlight, the healthier your body is going to be. this is my belief system, and i rather enjoy it. there's no "rules" or "no-nos," it's just common sense and listening to my own body. fresh vegetables and fruits, dairy (including butter) and eggs from grass-fed animals, grass-fed meats, wild seafood... these are all foods that are very close to the sunlight which gives everything physical energy. eating processed foods that are all made in dark factories with very little love and attention... probably not the best thing for the body. it's not going to be harmful in a moderate amount, but some people create their entire diet based on things in packages. there is no sunlight. there is no Love.

there are some things, however, that are human inventions, which are beautiful to consume (again, everything in moderation). fermented foods, like Kim Chi (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kimchi) and yogurt all help the digestive system. and bread is a human staple, and has been for thousands of years, across all cultures. there is a reason for this, and i believe that humans have intuited ways of nourishing their bodies by using things in nature in different ways to create certain effects. tea is really good for you, and there are many different kinds for many different purposes... but you don't find tea in nature as a liquid. humans had to figure out that boiling it would extract the beneficial flavors and effects from the leaves or flowers. and rice is impossible to eat raw, but if you boil it, it is edible and incredibly nutritious, especially when combined with legumes of some type.

i agree, raw and fresh is better in most cases. but any time you take something to an extreme, you're disallowing yourself a full experience of life. i sometimes eat potato chips. there is nothing nutritious about potato chips! but they're tasty, and they compliment a sandwich very well (way better than carrot sticks).

on a new subject, one thing i am taking slightly to an extreme is sex, or rather no sex. i am deliberately choosing celibacy at this time in my life. i have several interrelated reasons for this. the primary reason is that i haven't found a strong and mutual heart connection with a man yet. i know i will soon. but without that connection, sex is thoroughly unsatisfying, and actually creates immense emotional turmoil within me. it's quite a distraction, and saps me of the energy that i need to do and create other things. to my very core, i know that sex is supposed to be an invigorating and beautiful experience, that takes both parties to a new level of understanding, of each other and themselves. i haven't experienced this kind of sex yet, and it has frustrated me a lot. i know i am a powerful and sexy woman, and i deserve to be worshipped and loved by a powerful and sexy man. so i am waiting for that man, and i am savoring the waiting. i know that after celibacy, such a sexual encounter will be earth-shattering, life-changing, magnificent to behold. for me, that is something worth waiting for.

so that is my update. note that these are all personal revelations, not universal truths. so anyone reading this can disregard whatever doesn't vibe with them, and if you can find a morsel of truth in what i have said, that pertains to your life, then i have done my job well.

love you all!

-Phoenix

What Would Maude Do?

i just finished watching Harold and Maude again. i've seen it so many times, but every time is like the first time. i catch a new insight, a new feeling, a new glimpse into what life could be if i would decide that it was important enough to make it that way.

my primary desire in life: to LIVE life in the way Maude teaches Harold to live.

my second desire in life: to CREATE a movie that affects people (and myself) in the way this movie affects me. there is no greater work of art than one that can create such a flood of glorious emotion, Unnamed and Powerful. leaving the witness feeling raw, invigorated, shaken, uplifted, and swollen with the desire to LIVE LIFE in the way it is supposed to be lived.

this movie fills me with more inspiration and fuel than any self-help book or 12-step program. because it FEELS so REAL and possible! it feels like Maude is just an older version of myself, and Harold is me where i am, and i am showing myself the way to my own Kingdom.

the movie finishes with me pouring out emotion through my face and chest, reveling in the immensity and beauty of the pure energy that i feel. it is magnificent to be alive, and i MUST take action TODAY to live my life in Maude's Image.

that would be a wonderful tattoo: What Would Maude Do?

perfect for the inner wrist. i've been trying to come up with a short phrase to go on the inside of my right wrist (the left is taken up by the Czech Lion) to remind me to let go and be free and easy in my life. i think that is a lovely line of thinking... perhaps a better phrasing will come to mind.

i love feeling this awake!

love!

pruning a thorny rose bush

it seems to be so easy for old habits to creep back in, like a thorny weed overgrowing a garden. today i was trimming a plant. it was in our back yard and my dad had thought it was a weed and trimmed it back, and when he did so, it began to flower. so he re-planted it in our front garden so it would grow up the side of our house. it is incredibly vigorous though, and after only a couple of weeks, there were thorny, grabby shoots reaching out into our driveway. i trimmed a lot of the branches off completely, hoping to re-direct the plant's energy into the shoots that were reaching up the house.

i suppose one must treat the mind like a plant in this way. there are thorns and if you allow it to grow unruly, they will grab at you and get stuck to you and you will have a harder time trimming it and keeping it directed in the way you like. but if you do regular maintenance, it will grow in the way you want, and you won't be grabbed by prickers reaching in the wrong direction. the emotions tell you which direction the mind is growing in; negative emotion indicates that the mind is growing away from Who You Truly Are, and positive, loving emotions indicate that the mind is growing towards Who You Truly Are. soon, with the right pruning and nurturing, you will have a beautiful flowering creation that displays your care and attention.

paying attention to the mind as well as the emotions is important. it becomes an art form, and i feel like i am in kindergarten using crayons and coloring books! but we all have to start somewhere, so the best i can do is act like a kindergartener and just laugh at everything. everything's gonna be alright.

love.

stretching the heart

pain is the experience of the heart stretching open to receive more love. pain is when the heart has been small and stiff for a long time, but the time comes for enormous amounts of love to flow through. at first, in a massage, there is pain where the knots have accumulated and are kneeded out by a loving masseuse. after the knots have softened and relaxed (released resistance), the massage is able to penetrate the tissue to deep levels. love may hurt at first, especially if one has closed the heart to it for so long. but once the heart has been pummeled with the force of it, Love is able to penetrate the tissues, physical and etherial.

i intend to let go and allow the penetration, though it may hurt at first. it may burn and sting and ache. it does. it won't forever though. i trust that eventually, this enormous amount of love that wants to flow through me will feel like bliss. for now it feels mildly uncomfortable, and that is progress. there was a time when it felt incredibly painful and i couldn't handle it. it was heavy and intense and i couldn't share it with anyone around me, because they were closed-off, too.

today, things are different. this powerful River of Love has blasted my heart open, and is ever-expanding me and my capacity for love. it is intense, and i have resisted much. but the more i experience the pain of resisting my own Love, the more i understand the importance of releasing and allowing. the easier it becomes to find the eye of the storm. the more i am able to trust what my feelings are telling me and the direction in which i need to focus.

i'm going to be okay. i'll be better than okay. the more i get the hang of this, the more fun i have in life. that is the whole point: to have fun. i'm getting this, and i'm going to be great. i am great. everything is wonderful.

love.

the end of a chapter titled "A Kite in a Tempest."

yes this chapter is closed. relationships, however brief or longterm, are chapters that all have endings. the pain comes from trying to continue the chapter beyond its end point.

this most recent chapter was turbulent, full of tension between my heart's truest Knowing, and my mind trying to convince itself that this was what i wanted. in the end, i could not ignore my heart any further. and after the end, i waded through a mire of discordant emotion resulting from the mind's attempt at continuing the chapter.

i have ended it in a clean way, with blessings all around. i am ready to write the new chapter of my life's story, whatever it may contain, and whatever my character may learn and experience.

i know what i deserve in a true-love relationship, and i know what my heart feels like when it knows this is "not it." so i am sure i will know when i know "this is it."

i am not going back to the old and painful dramatic writing of previous relationships. i have a deep, conscious, powerful heart connection being prepared for me, and i am ready and willing to wait for it to cook in the ethers. in the meantime, i am gonna have some fun and continue letting go and allowing the All to open my heart wide.

love.