Thursday, October 11, 2012

There Is A Crack In Everything: That's How The Light Gets In

It is a wonder how quickly understanding settles in when I stop avoiding my feelings and just get into my body and feel them.

I have been feeling the drag of an attachment I had to a man I know.  This is a familiar feeling:  attachment to a man.  It doesn't matter what I'm doing or where I am, that feeling is hanging out at the back of my mind, and any time I have a chance to quiet down, the feeling is right there, waiting for me. It's a feeling of longing, of missing someone.  It's a drag.  Literally, I can feel the rest of me speeding along, excited about life and being in the moment, but there's this little ball and chain being dragged behind me, slowing me down.

It seems that if I take off the ball and chain of one attachment, I just replace it shortly afterward with that of another.  And if I am not wearing the ball and chain of any man in particular, I am out looking for one.

Society mistakenly names this feeling "love."  It is not love.  Love speeds us up.  Love excites and fulfills.  Attachment breeds jealousy and anxiety, doubt, worry, and general malaise.  I actually became physically sick shortly after taking on this particular ball and chain.  It hit me full force and my body rejected it.

I let it slowly ebb from me, and this morning after my walk I could feel it ever so gently asking for my attention.  I lay down and got into my body.  I didn't force it out or ask it to leave, I just curiously felt it.

Suddenly I realized I had been treating my relationships and sex in the same way I had been treating my career and money.  I had the priorities backwards!  When I made my dreams of being an actress take top priority in my life, the money had to come hand-in-hand with the next opportunity to come my way.  Money has even come in other ways outside of acting, without me going out and looking for it.  But getting my priorities straight primed the pump in the right direction.

The same thing needs to be done in my relationship sector.  Sex needs to be forgotten about.  Instead of looking for sex and then hoping a relationship will form from that (which is how I have been unconsciously going about it), I want to prioritize human connection.  I want to deeply connect with other humans.  It doesn't matter if they will be sexual with me or not, I want to connect.  I want to let people into my heart and take them in fully.  I want to treat my human interactions like I do when I'm on stage.  Being present and honest are the fundamental components of the Meisner Technique, which is why I love this technique so much.  I feel that we should all be living this way all the time, with some modifications.  On stage, it is acceptable and encouraged to shout, curse, threaten, hate, rage, and all of those other powerful things that in "real" life, we hide from others lest we get carted away.  I think in regular life, if we could but say the things that we are feeling, we would be so much more free in our relationships.  If someone does or says something that stirs within me a feeling of rage, I can say it.  It doesn't mean I have to yell at that person or call them names or beat them up.  But just being honest with myself about how I feel, and then, if necessary, voicing that feeling to the other, frees up a lot of tension that is created when we try to play the game of skirting around other people and their discomforts.

We all put up walls.  We put them there for a good reason.  But the time is fast approaching when we will recognize that it actually takes a lot of creative energy to put up those walls every day.  It's not like they just stay there on their own.  We actively put them there.  Of course it has become habit to put up the walls every day, just like it's a habit for us to put on clothes before we walk out of our house.  But we do it actively, and it's not like our clothes are glued to our bodies.  We take them off every night.  And sometimes, if a crack is found in our wall and we feel the relief of having it down, it scares us because we feel naked and exposed.  But as we push into that feeling of fear of exposure, it actually becomes quite thrilling.

To be seen.  To be witnessed for all that we are.  We are incredibly glorious creatures, not just as our physical, biological selves, but our human nature.  We are these swirling, roiling masses of powerful emotion and desire.  With that power unleashed, we can create things the world has never seen.  But we must first take our walls down, or rather stop putting them up.  You will feel exposed.  You will feel scared.  You will feel embarrassed and raw and tender.  But if you can choose to own all of these things and let them flow through you, those who see you will only see courage as you stand naked before them.  They will wish they were as strong and brave as you.  Because they will feel what you are showing them all, and they will know it is within them too, wishing to be uncaged.  But their fear will hold those walls in place until they are ready, just as your fear holds your walls in place.

Should every wall be taken down all at once?  No, probably not.  Let's be gentle with ourselves here.  Overnight change is rarely permanent.  But as soon as you feel your own wall there, let it be dissolved. Let it be dropped.  Even just for a moment so you can visit with yourself.  Just for a little bit, so that you can recognize your own Who-I-Really-Am-ness.  So you can feel the difference between being free and being caged.  So you can get a taste of what you're missing.

It's ok.  It may take some time before you're ready to get naked!  I know, it has taken me several years since my first tastes, and every day a little bit more drops away and I feel the breeze on my skin and it makes my nipples prick up and I want to cover myself again but I let that urge pass.  It will become a new habit to forget to put the walls up.  To forget the walls ever existed.  To look back on a time when those walls were there and think "Did I really build that around myself every day?  What a load off!"

I love you.  Be well.

Thank you,

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