Sunday, October 14, 2012

Something Old, Something New

Something profound has settled into my consciousness and is in the process of opening me up and clearing out the cobwebs of an old and mouldering belief structure. Remember, a belief is just a thought you keep thinking, and a belief structure is a lot of thoughts you keep thinking that feed into and reinforce each other. Pull the rug out from under one core belief in the structure and watch the entire structure crumble, like pulling the critical piece from a Jenga tower.

There have been many situations in my life where I felt uncomfortable, like "this isn't what I want to do." But I continued to do it because I thought that I was supposed to because maybe there was something I was supposed to learn or gain from the experience. This has primarily happened in relationships, where I would meet a man and we would get alon really well and he liked me a lot, but I didn't feel attracted to him. I wanted to say no, but then I thought, "well maybe I need to learn to see past the physical... Maybe God/Source has a different plan for me, maybe the Universe wants me to try this because there is something lovable in this person that I haven't discovered yet and when I find it I will know this person is right for me."

Funny enough, this has never turned out to be a correct assumption. This belief structure is reinforcing the illusion of powerlessness. It is based on the idea that the Universe, God, or Source is some big patronizing figure in the sky is looking down on me and saying "I know what's best for you and you don't, you puny human!  So listen to me!"

This is completely untrue.  There is no such thing as God in that definition.  The only time I have ever known God was when I answered my own questions with my own wisdom.  That is how I have managed to get to where I am right now.  Yes I have listened to teachers.  The good ones have always pointed me back to myself.  And nowadays, I am listening to myself more and more.

Sometimes I don't listen very well.  When that happens, it's okay because the guidance gets louder.  Lately I have been running ahead of my body.  I have been so excited about my acting career unfolding and money flowing in that I have been floating around in mental-land, and not inhabiting my body.  Funny enough, the woman whom I met with earlier this week told me that I needed to get in my body more.  Well, this morning I sprained my ankle.  It really hurt!  A lot!  But it is now forcing me to get in my body.  I can resist, and run from the pain, and try to escape it.  But it will only get worse if I try to ignore its presence.  It will only delay healing if I continue to push past the pain.  So I have to chill the fuck out.  I have to accept that my body is asking me to come back to it.

So this is my intention.  I want to inhabit my body.  And I want clarity.  I want to feel everything and let it all move through me.  I want to be unafraid of discomfort and pain, whether it is emotional or physical.  I want to feel and make adjustments accordingly.  Another fun fact:  one of my teachers told me that this was something I need to do to improve my acting.  Take in the feelings, and adjust.  Feel, adjust, and respond to my partner.

I think this is a good thing for me, this ankle sprain.  If I can manage to utilize it, it can serve my intention to get back into my body, be more present with my emotions and with the moment, and be a more present actress.

Everything does happen in perfect order, even the manifestations of resistance.  This is contrast from which I can spring into a new way of being.  Or I could complain about it and whine and be a victim and struggle against it and push past it.  It is my choice, and there is nothing wrong with the latter.  But it is not in alignment with my desire of being a great actress.  All the information I have received has told me to slow down and be present.  This is a new habit I intend to form.  My old habit has been to get really excited about something and then run around trying to make it happen.  My web has been built though, and now it is time for me to relax and get out of the way and wait for bugs to land.  The more still and silent I can be, the easier it will be for me to feel the opportunities when they land.

Thank you for all of this.


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