heart-to-heart

wow, i've really learned something amazing this week!

i had been feeling some interesting feelings, particularly with regards to relationships and sex. part of me feels a strong desire for it, and was willing to overlook any minor undesirable features (physically unattractive to me in some way, spiritually misaligned with me, intentionally misaligned with me, etc) in order to have what i thought i wanted NOW. all the while, my heart quietly twinged, waiting for me to listen to what it has to say. and it would become cacophony and confusion in my mind as i battled between having what i want NOW, and waiting until the energy is completely in alignment before allowing it to manifest.

so i was presented with a few choices this week. one choice was a potential romance with someone very physically beautiful, and very aligned with me in terms of consciousness. i knew as soon as i saw him the first time that i wasn't in alignment with a relationship, and so he couldn't be the one i was looking for in that department... but my mind tried to convince me that maybe over time things would change. the mind can be a real idiot sometimes. the heart always knows, in an unbiased way. needless to say, i spent about a month feeling confused and distraught by all of the feelings of "what if." finally i came to the conclusion that i clearly wasn't ready for a relationship, because if i was, i wouldn't feel confused. i asked him "what do you feel?" preparing myself to explain my feelings, i listened as he explained to me exactly what i was feeling, but from his perspective. we were on the exact same page.

oh the freedom!

i felt this amazing sensation of being lifted to a completely new level of self-awareness. i had listened to my heart and communicated from that space, and in making myself vulnerable in that way, i actually became stronger and healthier. my trust in my own intuition became stronger. my heart opened and softened. and i felt the confusion lift.

next, some opportunities for sex came to me. one of them just kept not working out, and i figured out pretty early on that this was for a good reason. he ended up communicating to me that he wasn't big on jumping into sex. i laughed when he texted me this, because i already knew it wasn't going to happen, but i was relieved to find out why.

then a friend of mine asked me if i would be interested in practicing tantra with him. i said yes, although i felt the tiniest grain of a question in my heart. but my desire overrode it, and we began making plans. the wonderful thing about intuition is that, if you don't hear it when it's the tiniest grain of a question, it will stay there and get louder, and the more you pull against it the louder it will get. finally, last night, i felt like my mind was roaring with confusion. i decided to take a walk and ask my heart what was going on. i just talked aloud to myself and explained to myself that i didn't want him. i wasn't attracted to him, and that was that. that was it. it was such a simple little thing... a preference. i wanted something different, and even though i knew it would feel good to have sex again, it wouldn't feel right in my heart if i ignored my own desires.

desire is something that many people are confused about in this day and age. on one side, we have a mainstream world that is consumed by desire, thinking that the craving within can be satiated by the next shiny object, the next hot body, the next good party. but that craving within is not a craving for physical stimulation. it is a craving for connection to the All That Is. this connection cannot be achieved by buying anything or going anywhere or doing anything in particular, although flashes of this connection can be felt in the midst of a great conversation, or while dancing, or making art, or whatever else suits your fancy. but those are fleeting, and if you cannot feel the connection all the time, then you're left craving what you think is bringing you happiness (the action) when really, your happiness comes from being connected (however accidentally or intentionally).

connection to Source/God/All That Is/Whatever you want to call it, comes from being still and going within oneself and finding that silent island. there, you ask the question, and the answer comes forth from the abyss around you.

but there is another side of desire that we ignore. when we figure out that we have been consumed by physical desire, and that connection was what we were seeking all along, many of us tend to reject the physical world completely. we say "oh i shouldn't desire that, it won't make me happy. i'll just forget about it." on one level that is true... that physical thing won't make you happy, but if you are happy already, you are allowed to partake in the physical world and relish its delights. there is a reason desire is there. desire is born within us from the Divine. desire is what pulls us towards where we are meant to Be. desire is a Divine communication, and to ignore it is blasphemy.

i have strong and beautiful Desires. i have a Desire for a mate who is not only aligned with me consciously, spiritually, and intentionally, but is also physically beautiful in all the ways that delight my eyes and hands and body. i want the full package, and there is a Reason for this. to deny my own Desire is to deny the communication my Large Loving GodSelf is giving to me. to rationalize and say "oh well he's not that good-looking to me, but he's sweet, he deserves a chance... i shouldn't be so shallow..." is to judge my own connection with the Divine. everyone has a Desire that can be matched by the Universe. that includes EVERYONE. everyone's physical preferences can be met.

from now on, i'm not settling for anything that is less than what makes my heart sing. i have high standards and i deserve to have those standards met. we all do. i am laying claim to my Divine Inheritance. my Kingdom of Heaven is my own Creation, and i get to design it and choose the way it looks and feels and tastes and smells. i have already Created this Kingdom, and i am its Queen. all is well in this land, so long as i listen to the advisor that rests within my own HEART.

love!

the fear

ever since i started doing Divine Openings, i've been changing internally at such a rapid rate that it's almost hard to comprehend. oddly enough, time has taken a different form... it feels stretchier than before. it seems to slow down so that each day and each week is very long, and i have more time to expand and develop, so that by the end of one week i have transitioned drastically.

yesterday was very interesting. a few days of low emotion and some confusion were leading up to it, and i was doing (what i thought was) my best to feel and allow the emotions. but really, i was forgetting to go within and feel feel feel feel FEEL. i had gotten caught up in a web of old stories and i couldn't escape! yesterday began beautifully... i woke up before 6 am and went out for a nice morning stroll with my dog. i enjoyed the brisk air and the sunrise and the birds chirping. i even saw my first cardinal of the year! (i love cardinals)

however, when i got back home, i started feeling sleepy again. so i decided it wouldn't hurt to take a nap. well i went to sleep and i woke up around 1 or 2 feeling completely depressed. then my mind began attaching all kinds of non-existent dramas to the depression, making it feel so much worse. i felt like i had no friends (false) and like i was completely unloved. i felt like my life was worthless and going nowhere (false false false), and that i was failing at all that i sought to succeed in. i even began daydreaming of suicide, which i hadn't done in over a year. i wondered if having a taste of death would give me a new appreciation for life. i fantasized about sitting on the back porch with a razor, listening to the birds and breathing in the cool spring air as i drifted out. i just allowed these thoughts and feelings to come in, but soon i began worrying about myself. i grasped and pleaded, trying to get ahold of friends who might be able to soothe me. not hearing back from them, i began to feel even lonelier and abandoned. i sat in a bar drinking water, crying all alone.

i finally reached the bottom, fully realizing that i was creating this experience, and telling myself this story which was hurting me so much. i prayed for my Inner Being to help me stop creating this story and begin to create a new one.

soon, the loneliness lifted. riding my bike home, i began to feel angry. "fuck it! fuck all those people! if they don't want to help me when i need help, then they can go fuck themselves because i deserve love god dammit! fuck all of it, i'll be my own friend."

i went back out to my porch and sat, listening to music and singing, and feeling irritated at my mom for trying to cheer me up (lol). then, as i was dipping a tortilla chip into some guacamole she had made, i suddenly felt lucid. it was as though i had been walking around in my sleep all day, and i was now aware of the moment i was in. everything felt okay. i still hadn't heard from my friends, but that was ok. i just sat and enjoyed the music i listened to, the view from my back porch, and the chips and guacamole. i went inside and watched House. then i watched Yes Man (which is hilarious and made me feel a hundred times better).

then, i tuned in to what i thought would be Whose Line Is It Anyway?? only to find a program by Joel Osteen. part of me wanted to immediately flip to something different, because i knew this was going to be something cheesy and religious. but something deeper told me to stay and listen, so i did. the entire service given by this man was uplifting, empowering, and beautiful. his face glowed as he spoke his Truth. i was moved to tears several times by the examples he gave of humans uplifting each other and helping each other succeed. and by the end, i found out that this was a Born Again Christian pastor i had been listening to. i really felt my heart open.

today my energy feels like calm water. i'm not moving up, and i'm not being pulled under. i'm just being, and i'm grateful to be at peace. the conclusion i have made from yesterday was that if i try to resist feeling, by trying to run away from my center and hide behind friends, television, facebook, and my stories... i'll only end up hurting more and more until all of those things abandon me so that i have nowhere else to hide. it is so hilarious! i got a text message later at night, after i was finally feeling much better, from one of my friends saying that he'd been busy and had only just gotten the message i'd sent asking for someone to talk to. and today, i found out that the other friend i had texted (with a whole bunch of drama and silliness) hadn't even gotten any of the messages until this morning, because his phone had died. my Inner Being knew that what i needed was silence and inner-diving, not more drama and talk and stories and "poor me" bullshit.

i intend to remember this the next time some emotion comes up. i intend for it to be easy to let go and surrender to the feeling of it. i intend for my new story to create itself easily in my mind, and i intend for it to be easy to let go of the old stories i've been carrying around. i'm ready for this. bring it on!

love.

curiosity

i feel a tenuous invitation

take a gentle step forward

feeling

inching

opening

gradually allowing

what's inside

to become what's outside

is it safe?

yes.

poke your head out

look around

and next time

stand firmly

let the waters wash over

blow through the body

now is the time to say yes

yes i surrender

yes i accept this Gift

yes i trust You

yes, thank You.

ebb

it's been a while since i've talked about relationships. mostly because for most of my life, relationships have felt confusing at best.

well i've met someone, and i have no idea where it will lead me. i'm feeling that old familiar vibration. it feels like a cocktail of longing, timidness, quiet desperation, and complete terror. i've been carrying this vibration around with me for a long time, and i'm realizing how heavy it is. i don't want to carry this around anymore. i'm ready to give it up, and let in a new vibration.

as a human, i can't physically see the vibration or move it with my hands. but as a human, i can feel, and allow my larger, non-physical self to take care of the rest. these feelings are just Me telling myself where i pinched off my own flow of Power. in many areas, my Power blasts through me like water through a fire hose. in the area of romance, it's more like a garden hose with some kinks in it. but i'm ready for that to shift, and i'm ready to feel this as it's coming to me.

it's almost like we, as humans, romanticize the idea of being lonely. even when we are in relationships, we long to "own" something we know we can never possess. it's like we are searching for God, but we put our lover's face over the place of God, and we obsess and pine and reach, trying to feel oneness with this being outside of ourselves. and being outside of ourselves, we never find what we are looking for.

here is a prayer, for those of us who have felt this vibration and wish for freedom: may we find the strength within ourselves to accept the fullness of God's Love, even though it is so much bigger than anything we imagine we want from someone else.

i love you all.

breakthroughs, the Art of Allowing, and my new Immortality Account

i really just had a breakthrough, folks.

life change doesn't happen magically, out of thin air. it's not like one day things are going terribly and the next day everything falls into place. the Art Of Allowing isn't about just sitting by and dreaming up a someday scenario to have it suddenly fall into your lap next week.

the Art Of Allowing is about relaxing into Who I Am Now. and knowing that Who I Am Now is a progressive unfolding. i'm further along than i was last year, and i still have much more that i want to be. i know that i will be in a vastly different place next year, even next week.

first the energy lines up within. you begin to value yourself more. you begin to appreciate the subtle inner experience. this last year has gone by without much change in my physical setting or situation. but every week i feel i have transformed so much that i feel like "a lot is going on." i've felt so busy inside, and it's taken a lot of focus and rest and patience and self-soothing. but recently i've been taking decisive action towards my goals.

a couple of main goals of mine are greater physical health and beauty, and greater wealth. now, i had been wanting to begin a regular yoga practice for a while, but i just didn't FEEL like it. and i felt a little guilty for not being more disciplined or whatever. but now i recognize that the energy wasn't lined up yet. now the energy is so lined up that not going to yoga class feels like a worse decision than going, even if i am 5 minutes late (which used to be an excuse for me not to go... "oh, i don't want to interrupt, or embarrass myself, or whatever"). my health is so worth it to me that i am determined to take action that is in alignment with that goal.

the next one is wealth. all this time, i have been wanting it to fall into my lap. i wanted to win the lottery or just somehow manifest some chunk of cash that would solve all of my problems. this is a very subtle victim vibration, because it alludes to the idea that "i can't do it through normal, entrepreneurial ways, like many of the wealthiest people have. i just want the universe to make it easy for me so i can just go on vacation." well let me tell you, winning the lottery may be fun, i don't know. but i can definitely feel that it will be so much more gratifying to really create my wealth through my own means and my own innovation and resources. and i am doing just that. my magazine, illuminatedMag, is gaining so much momentum that it just bubbles up so much excitement within me! i finally feel like this could really be a lucrative endeavor for me, one of many. and if you haven't heard of Dr. John F. Demartini, listen up, because he is one smart motherfucker. this action feels so good and strong to me right now that i don't care how crazy it sounds, i'm doing it. he says in his book How To Make One Hell of A Profit and Still Get To Heaven, that in order to demonstrate to the universe that you value yourself and believe you are worthy of material riches, PAY YOURSELF FIRST.

this seems simple, and it is ridiculously so. this is almost like tithing, but way better. since most of my inspiration comes from within, and a tithe is usually defined as 10% of your income going to the place where you receive your spiritual food (inspiration), tithing always felt a little off to me, and i practiced it on and off. but Dr. Demartini says to create a savings account, and take a portion off the top of your income every month (BEFORE you pay for anything else, including bills, employees, food, etc), and put it in this savings account. this is your "Immortality Account" and it is un-spendable to you as a human. this is GodSelf's money, and it stays in that account forever. But the amazing thing is, as we all know, money attracts more money. "the rich get richer, the poor get poorer." it's actually a Cosmic Law. so you're building this Immortality Account and it's getting bigger and bigger, and drawing more and more money to it, which means it's drawing more and more money to YOU. and the higher the percentage you put in, the faster it grows, and the more money you receive.

i've been spending the last year intending for my money vibration to raise, and for a long time it felt like nothing was happening. then i decided "fuck it! i have a low money vibration! so what? is it going to kill me? no, it's not. it's just annoying for the time being. so be it." and i accepted it. i even started saying sarcastic affirmations like "i'm never going to be rich, i'm just going to be poor forever and i'll always have to live with my dad and i'll never have nice things, etc." all the things i was worried about believing or thinking that i thought would block me from getting the money i wanted. and saying them sarcastically in my head just made me laugh, because i've come to the point where i honestly don't believe them. i even encouraged more and more sarcastic affirmations for a while and it really lightened my mood! gave me hope!

then i picked up that book and skimmed the table of contents, found a chapter called "The Spiritual Laws of Saving" and felt the hugest YES i have felt in a long time. i feel a renewed sense of enthusiasm and optimism regarding my finances. i feel empowered to create my OWN wealth! i am so excited!

another point on the breakthroughs... there is no such thing as instant gratification. the more instant it is, the less gratifying the experience. have you ever wanted an instant orgasm? or would you rather enjoy a long and sensual climb to the peak, and then a gentle glide down into a satiated lull? this point in time doesn't carry my perfectly healthy, acne-free, energy-filled body. but there is a point in time that does, and i'm lining up with it energetically first, and then by taking the inspired action that is appropriate. someday i will eat and care for my body according to my ayurvedic doshas. but not immediately. i'm not ready yet. i will be, and i'll know when the action is appropriate. until then, i'm gonna enjoy eating food that might give me indigestion.

love and many breakthroughs for you my fine fellows!

poems on a january morning

in the stillness of the winter night

a girl

My girl

sends Me her Wishes

brilliant flame of Intention

giving away more than her Location

I accept into my Beingness

her adorable Command

and joyously do her bidding

I exist for nothing but to Serve Her

my Darling Creation

she need not do anything for my Love

for her simple existence brings me

such fascination and ecstasy

and spurs me to whisper

Sweet Everythings directly

into each and every cell

of her gloriously constructed avatar

she is wondrous to Behold

I Know

I have Beheld her for all of Existence

**********************************

dear Godself

you are like the essence

of every flower

and tree

and plant

combined into

the sweetest perfume ever mixed

with one mysterious undertone

on which i can almost put my finger

and if i heard the name i would know it

but i am certain there is no name

that can describe

God's Perfume.

******************************

i feel you Engulf me

my senses tingle

as if extra Voltage

suddenly travels through

my nerve fibers

my molecules

my atoms

as though the empty space

between the electrons

is no longer empty

but filled to the brim

with something yet unmeasured

****************************

every day, God makes Love to my lungs

****************************

love

happy january :D

it's been a long ass time since i wrote anything here. this is the first post of the new year :)

i just shaved my head. i have been in texas for 2 weeks, and just arrived home by train this evening. i'm really happy to be home. i'm really happy to know that this is my home.

i've surprised myself. i dug my roots into this funny little town, and now i'm determined to zap the life back into it. part of the reason i was in austin, tx, was to pick up on the vibration of that city, and perhaps bring some of it back to my hometown.

i love it here. and soon, most people will agree with me. i am especially excited about the next 5 to 10 years. things are unfolding rapidly (energetically). i can feel big things lurking in the energetic shadows, ready to pop out and delight me and everyone around me!

well, i don't know what else to write today, so i'll leave it at that. i intend to write more often this year.

love!