my disclaimer

i need to be honest and up front with myself and everyone who reads this.

i am learning, just like all of you. i write in this blog so that i may try to sort out my thoughts, or at least put them somewhere other than in my mind. it becomes overwhelming to constantly have these things chattering at me. so this blog is very much like my journal. but i choose to allow you all to read it because i feel that by opening myself and my experience to you, and showing you all aspects of me, unfiltered, perhaps you all may find some insight into your own personal situations. i do not claim to know everything for all of you. you must make the judgement whether what i say holds true for you or not. not everything i write is necessarily with the intention of teaching or making myself look good. i am just trying to figure things out, just like everyone else.

therefore, please take everything i say, and consider whether or not it is true for you. please understand that i am merely expressing thoughts. not every thought is a true thought. indeed, many of my thoughts are dark and shrouded by ego. sometimes i have to express those before i can recognize them as untrue. try to take what i say from an objective standpoint, and don't become hurt by my expression. if i write something that you disagree with or that you find hurtful, please tell me and i will try to amend it in my next post. as in my "real" life, my truth is constantly growing and evolving. you can observe this evolution of personal truth in the blog posts. i will not remove anything i have previously written. i will only clarify or make amendments or give light to something i have learned since in the next post.

thank you all for taking the time to peek into my experience. i know i sometimes may seem cold, or harsh in the way i regard others. please know that i am constantly making strides to change those parts of me which no longer serve me and those around me.

i love all of you. thanks for your patience and love and understanding :)

"sometimes you just have to force yourself not to respond, especially if responding is going to be hurtful"

my mom just said that to me.

i feel so lost. i don't know what i'm doing wrong. why is it that whenever i make a choice, or say something out of a place that i think is love, someone get's pissed off at me, or misunderstands my intentions, or just plain gets hurt?

god, please tell me what i can do to change my behavior so that i don't continue to step on everyone around me while trying to make decisions.

well the best way to stop stepping on everyone is to stand still and pay attention to where they are in relation to you.


what does that mean? how do i do that in reality?

just breathe. look at your friends, and imagine yourself where they are. why would your friend feel slighted by your actions?

because maybe she thinks i'm ungrateful for all the love that she and her family gave me over the weekend.

and why would she feel that way?

because i wrote about it in a blog post and told everyone to read it...

perhaps not everyone wants your lessons to be publicly viewed?

what should i do? i can't erase my actions, and i don't want to erase anything i've said. i still find truth in them...

maybe you could simply make amends by clarifying what you have written, by pointing out that you ARE in fact grateful, beyond words. words are the least effective purveyor of truth. they become misconstrued and are interpreted via each person's individual filtor: their mind, and their experience. your words, though they ring true for you and your experience, may not hold the same truth for your best friend and your partner. they may not see the angle you are viewing things from. they may think you are acting and speaking without love for them and their realities. although this is certainly not true for you (if you had no compassion for the ones you loved, you would not be feeling the sting of your actions on them), they aren't so sure. reassure them that you are not trying to hurt them. you are a human being with human experiences, all of which are perfect and beautiful in their own way. you are not doing anything "wrong." you are experiencing, and that is what you should be doing. you are remembering that you are part of a whole, and simply the fact that you understand that you may have hurt them by what you have written here proves that you are earnest in your learning experience. it shows that you care to make "right" what you may have done "wrong" by them. in this, you are also learning to make right what you have done wrong by your Self.


what have i been doing wrong by my Self?

remember, you are never doing anything "wrong." there is no such thing as "right" or "wrong."


yes, i know, i've been reading that in Conversations with God.

i know you have, and i'm just reminding you of that.

thanks, but now what can i change? what have i been ignoring, or missing?

you have been ignoring the fact that EVERYONE is JUST AS MUCH OF A DIVINE BEING AS YOU ARE. whether you are talking to a "jock" who doesn't seem to understand you on any level, or whether you are talking to Jesus the Christ himself. there is no better or worse in the eyes of God. there is nothing more or less divine in the universe. everyone is playing on their own level, by their own rules, and with their own spectrum of understanding. just because you have a broader range of understanding than some people your age does not make your choices or your reality any more important than their's. you are beautiful and magnificent and perfect, and so is everyone else. judge not lest ye be judged. you have been judging the love that the people around you have been trying to show you. you have labeled it as not good enough for someone of your caliber. yet i tell you this, all love is love, and every bit of love is just as important as the next. the same goes with money, oxygen, fire, or any other form of energy. when you can learn to count the pennies of love as equally important as the million-dollar check of love, then you will truly understand the value in those around you. they are all doing their best. they are all giving you love from their place of highest understanding. they are all trying to tell you their point of view. do not label it as "not truth" just because you see things differently. everyone's truth is truth, because everyone is creating their own reality. nobody does anything they think is wrong, in relationship to their worldview and their frame of mind. everyone is doing their best. just love them for it, and accept every penny of love they are trying to give to you. pennies add up, you know. this whole analogy is what you have been missing in your search for actual money as well.


is this all coming from me? i never really thought about any of this in that way... thank you for the insight, whoever gave that to me.

you know who gave it to you. you gave it to yourself, and I gave it to you, and so did everyone around you. you know the truth. you are the truth. be love, be the truth, and just relax. you have everything you've ever desired. stop questioning the motives of god. you know that you have and are everything you choose to have and be. choose love. choose prosperity. choose health. you are already all of these things. you have no need to fear!

just relax. you're okay, and so is everyone and everything else. you haven't lost anything, you haven't done irreparable damage, you haven't "fucked everything up." you're just in the process of becoming more aware. pain is simply the body, mind, or soul bringing attention to something that needs to be addressed. if you bump into a table in the middle of the night because the lights were off, the pain you feel in your hip is your body bringing attention to the fact that there is an object there, to your left, and that you should make more of an effort to feel out your environmet before you go further. that is what is happening here with you socially. you keep bumping into things, wondering why everything keeps hurting you and everyone else. you haven't taken the time to stand still, feel out your environment, and decide the best and most pain-free route of action. now is that time for you. just hold still for a bit. everything is working, don't worry. the universe and all of its good does not stop making progress if you take a break to catch your breath. everything is moving forward, whether you are standing still or not.


thank you god. you're right about everything. my mom has been trying to tell me this for weeks now and i didn't want to listen to her.



thank you to everyone who has been so patient with me while i had my eyes closed.

LOVE!

comfortably uncomfortable

you know the feeling, when you're almost asleep, and your bed is so warm and cozy, and you feel like you are just drifting on a cloud.... but then you realize you REALLY have to pee? the pain in your bladder is almost unbearable, but you don't want to leave the beautiful comfort of your bed. if you let it go long enough, you'll either violently escape your bed to run to the bathroom, or you just hope the pain goes away until you end up wetting the bed.

it seems like a lose-lose situation. either lose the comfort of your bed and gain the comfort of an empty bladder, or keep the comfort of your bed only to lose that comfort as soon as it becomes soaked with your urine.

this is a strange analogy, i know, but i realized it's what had become of my first and only boyfriend-girlfriend relationship.

we loved eachother so much. but there were differences that made things a little difficult. i ended up violently escaping my bed so as to relieve some of the pain i was feeling (ironically enough, i actually was having bladder problems, which have been subsequently solved). but in doing so, i risked not being able to find the same comfort that i had found with my boyfriend. in fact, both of us have realized that it wasn't comfortable for either of us as much as it should have been.

i feel like a lot of people have become comfortably uncomfortable with their lives. they have a job they don't like, but it supplies them with the money they need to have the things they want. they have a spouse who doesn't satisfy their needs and desires, but it is the only person they have found who is willing to be with them. there are numerous other situations which make us uncomfortable, but we are comfortable enough that we ignore the discomfort.

by acknowledging any discomfort, whether emotional, physical, or spiritual, and trying to figure out where the discomfort is coming from, it is easier to gently get out of bed at the first sight of pain, release what needs to be released, and trust that the bed will be more comfortable once you take care of yourself.

we always forget to take care of ourselves. we're constantly surrounded by people or things that seem to need our attention. mothers forget about their health in lieu of a new baby. an engineer doesn't get enough sleep or healthy food because he is busy on a new project. a student drinks coffee and smokes cigarettes to stay awake so she can cram for a test the next day. these are things all of us do, in some way or another. but in paying attention to things outside of ourselves, we forget to take care of what's inside of our Selves.

my ex-boyfriend once told me, while i was in california, missing him terribly, that "pain is fear leaving the body." if pain did not express itself (whether physically or emotionally), it would stay inside, as fear. fear colors our worldview and brings more pain upon ourselves. it's a good thing to express the pain and fear that we feel. i have been surrounded by loving beautiful people who have been trying to help me get through the pain of this recent breakup (which i've never experienced, by the way. i've only had one boyfriend in my life). i am so thankful for their loving patience. but they have been trying to tell me to stop crying, to stop being upset, to stop feeling this pain. all i want, though, is to feel the pain, express it, and release it. i cannot release that which i push back down into the deepest corners of my mind. all of it needs to get out of me. no one would ever tell another person, "oh, you have to go to the bathroom? well, that's not good for you, just ignore the pain, it'll go away." no one would ever tell someone who was sick to their stomach and throwing up "swallow that back down, you don't need to throw up, throwing up sucks." the thought is absurd. if you need to get something out, get it out! it's doing no good to you when it's trapped inside!

pain not expressed is worse than pain felt and then buried.

love

you are more important than anyone in your universe

the best way to find your soul mate is to FIND YOUR SOUL.

stop looking for anything or anyone OUTSIDE of YOURSELF. your one true love should first be loving your SELF. this goes against everything you've ever learned previous, but stop putting others before yourself. if you can't be happy and loving in your own right, there is no way you can give anyone else the love and happiness they deserve.

if everything in your reality is created by you (and it is, as quantum physics and other sciences are proving every day now), then if you are unhappy or unfulfilled or unsatisfied, so too will be the people around you. that's not to say that you must make yourself feel good at the expense of others. however, when you are happy, you can give happiness to others. when you love yourself as you are right now, then everyone else will sense it and will love you back. this makes it much easier to love everyone else in return! i know this from experience! it's impossible to receive the gift of love if you cannot give it to yourself. you can say this about any feeling: freedom, peace, happiness... even the negative ones; sadness, hatred, fear, etc. the golden rule is not something you can either follow or not. it's more like the Golden Law, which applies much like the Law of Gravity. it is constant and consistent. it is IMPOSSIBLE to treat anyone like anything OTHER than yourself. therefore, put yourself first, treat yourself with love and respect, and it will make it much easier to give others the love and respect you hope for them to feel.


like bob marley says "when you worry your face will frown, and that will bring everybody down! don't worry, be happy!

what a relief!

it's relieving to be honest with people and not allow resentment to build up. it's so important to be able to be completely, 100% honest with the ones you love. if words must constantly be minced, it creates a burden on the one mincing. because the words that are being expressed are not the ones that are floating around in the mind, constantly nagging you and telling you things you don't want to hear. it also creates stress for the person receiving minced information. on a gut level, we know when there is something that is not being said, which creates questions that we don't dare to ask. when negative thoughts and feelings are expressed in words openly and honestly between people (the goal being to resolve those feelings and turn negative to positive, not put the other person down), opportunity for growth is presented. but when those thoughts and feelings are allowed to fester within the mind, they become more and more intense, further poisoning the body and spirit. this can be very overwhelming if allowed to perpetuate, and we all know what stress does to the body.

we must all consciously practice releasing toxicity, in every area of life. let's say, for example, that someone became sick (like i did several days ago). the initial discomfort of nausea is something that this person has little trouble enduring for a while. maybe it will pass, they say. however, the discomfort does not go away, and the nausea becomes worse and worse. when this person finally has to vomit, the last thing going through his or her mind is "oh no, all of that nutrition is being lost! what if i never get it back?" it's silly, isn't it? why would anyone ever think something like that about vomit? if it needs to get out, get it out!

but for some reason, that's not how we feel about other things that are toxic to us: relationships, possessions, thoughts, emotions, etc. isn't this the excuse so many people give when they are in a toxic relationship? "they're all i have. if i leave him/her, i'll have no one left. i'll be all alone." so the relationship perpetuates, becomes more and more unhealthy, not only to the people in it, but to the people observing it.

when we can freely release those aspects of ourself and of our lives that no longer serve us, without allowing them to fester and become unhealthy, that is when we can truly be free and ALIVE!

imagine the digestive system. as i wrote in a previous post, the digestive system is a marvel of the human body. delicious, fresh food (let's say an avocado, my favorite!) is put into the mouth, and mashed up by the teeth and tongue. not only is it mashed up, but enzymes are added to it in the saliva to break it down before it even reaches the stomach. and i'm not even going to talk about the phenomenon of taste! after being chewed up, the esophagus automatically grabs it and pulls it down to the stomach, where acid breaks the food down into amino acids and molecules that nourish the body and allow for cell growth and reproduction. in the intestines, those nutrients are absorbed, along with any water. all that can be used is used, and the rest is released.

compare this system to your life. things like possessions, papers, etc, are amassed. at first all is hunky-dory, and these things seem wonderful. but then we start to attach ourselves to these things, until one day we are in our garage (or bedroom, or attic, or basement, or locker, or anywhere where we put our STUFF) and we can't believe how much crap we have! but we rationalize, as we're cleaning, that "oh, well i could use that," or "this might come in handy one day when i get time to do this project." you know you've said that to yourself, because i know i have. but that day never comes when you have enough time or enough ROOM to do whatever project you were thinking you might one day do. it's constipation! it's you trying to hold on to things that are no longer nourishing your life.

when we eat food, it passes through our system, the nutrients are taken and used, and the waste is released back to the earth. if we were to re-consume this waste, it would poison us. but that is what the bottom feeders are for: the earthworms and bacteria and other bugs that DO find nutrition in that which we consider poison. they are MADE to consume that which we cannot. and in their consumption of it, they create soil which nourishes the plants, which nourish us. that which we have released has now returned to us in a purified and consumable form.

likewise, with any relationship, possession, thought, or feeling; when we release that which no longer nourishes our spirit and body, we can rest assured that the universe will purify it for us, make it new again, and bring us a better and healthier form of whatever was released.


so, in summary: don't mince words, just tenderize them. and stop eating your own shit.

LOVE!

i found this video today. he elaborates on what i wrote about in my "Ego and God" post a few days ago. "ego is a really clever salesman"