making progress...?

there's this antsy-ness within me.... a feeling like "am i supposed to be doing anything? give me a clue as to what i should be doing right now to manifest my desires!" but there's really not much i can do right now, other than sit tight, and practice feeling good about where i am. i've created a daily routine for myself, which i have promised myself to follow every day for the next 10 weeks until i move to austin. it feels good, because without any kind of structure to my day, i just wander around ambiguously, wasting time in random ways. and at the end of the day, i reflect and recognize that i've been completely unproductive, and then i feel bad. and the purpose of my life is to feel good, so if structuring my day makes me feel like i did something in the direction of my goals, i'm gonna do it, because feeling good is important to me!

my intuition is becoming pretty sensitive... or rather, i'm becoming more sensitive to my own intuition. but i've just begun to get used to it, so i misunderstand sometimes. like, i'll feel doubt about something, and i'm not sure if it's my own resistance due to negative thought patterns, or if it's my intuition telling me that it's not going to happen or that it's not where i should direct my energy.

it's easy for me to get excited about imagining moving to austin, because i believe i've been intuiting this move for a while.

something that definitely needs to shift within me is my point of focus. i feel like i'm turned in the wrong direction. most of my thoughts are about moments in the past. and nothing i desire is in the past! and i can feel the negative emotion telling me i'm focused in the wrong direction, splitting my energy. the next 10 weeks is going to be devoted to focusing more and more in the direction of the future, and what i am becoming.

it's hard to experience life, and listen to music, and watch television, without catching some little glimpse of enlightenment, casually tossed out into the wind with the unconscious hope that it might inspire a greater Knowing. i read two Rolling Stone articles this week... one about Michael Cera, and one about Katy Perry... and both of the articles had a fine, hardly detectable dusting of that Knowing. it's amazing. once your eyes are open, you see other open eyes everywhere, and you realize that everything really is self-aware, even if it is under the illusion of forgetfulness.

i think i want to write about relationships today...

why have we romanticized the painful pining after someone who is clearly uninterested? i feel like i've been doing this my whole life, since the first time i can remember having a crush on someone. i had a crush on a kid from kindergarten until 6th grade. and then i gave that one up and had a crush on a different kid who looked like harry potter. he hated me! but i still "loved" him. and i only gave up on that one because i moved out of state. and then i found another boy to obsess over, who very clearly did not want me, not even as a friend really (nowadays we're pretty good acquaintances, and i'm friends with his mom, lol!). but i had a crush on him from 7th till 9th grade. and i only gave up on that one because he left school! and it doesn't stop there! it only became more and more intense, more and more lonely, more and more pathetic and depressing.

recently, i went on a camping trip with a stranger. he was in his late 50s, early 60s perhaps. when i met him, i could feel the energy of "he's interested in me more than a casual friend." we met at a little orchard where there was a show happening to benefit veterans. we talked, in a group, about peace and politics and such. i was a little low on energy that day, and i listened more than talked. but this dude seemed pretty interested in me, and i could tell. i gave him my email, because i have a magazine and am always looking for contributors.

anyway, he emailed me a few times, in a mournfully romantic way, sort of poetic and lovesick. the energy felt very familiar to me, and a little irritating. he asked me to come camping with him in a beautiful forest on an island in a little lake. i didn't answer, because i was, at the time, feeling bummed out and anxious about yet another failed attempt at continuing a romantic connection with a boy i met at the rainbow gathering. he sent me an email less than a day later entitled "deafening silence" and said "forgive me for overreaching. have a good week."

i instantly felt compassion, because he was displaying to me the exact energy i was feeling towards this rainbow kid. "deafening silence" is a bit of an understatement! i wrote this kid letter after letter, i sent him artwork. he asked me to do so! i sent him facebook messages. i tried calling him. and i only heard like a total of 5 sentences from him. when we met at rainbow, the connection was amazing, and we had so much fun for a few days. he brought me home and gave me one last kiss, and smelled my hair. i told him i would miss him, and gave him a kiss on the cheek. and that was that. so painfully brief.

i romanticized the long-distance lovers idea... writing letters and anticipating the day when we would see each other again. i sent him so much love, and all i received was unemotional half-sentences that were cryptic and vague. i could feel his energy was just not there. and i freaked out and asked him what was going on? was there something wrong? did i do something to scare him away? then one day he said "maybe i only wanted a connection at rainbow..."

devastation!

anyway, so back to the camping trip. i felt compassion, and decided i was willing to open my heart and mind to the idea of enjoying peace and quiet in a beautiful natural setting. but i felt it only fair to give him the fair warning that i wish i could have had. clear communication about my intentions and feelings. so i told this old dude "i have given it thought, and i would like to come with you. but i have to make it very clear to you, i do not want any kind of romantic interaction of any kind whatsoever. i may be making assumptions here, but my radar is usually pretty on-point." so he agreed to "give me space."

but physical space and energetic space are two very different things! not only did i feel a strong and displeasing pull from him, i felt like i was drowning in his overwhelming misplaced desire! it was aweful, and i felt terrible putting up a big wall around my heart, in an attempt to give him maybe a not-so-subtle hint that i was very much NOT interested in him AT ALL. i was blatantly rude to him, and on the drive home i just blew up at him. i felt terrible being that way. but it's the most suffocating energy. i just wanted to escape the whole thing.

then as soon as i got home, i checked my facebook messages and i had received a message from a guy saying "hello queen," telling me that i was the angel of his dreams, that he wanted me and only me. i told him i wasn't interested, but he was incessant. he would not listen to the word "no." and i finally blocked him altogether because he just didn't get it.

it's so obvious now, laying it all out, that these two suffocating men were just showing me the energy i have been putting forth with regards to relationships. i know, i can feel it, i can recognize what it feels like from the inside and outside. but now, it's tricky, because i don't really know what a detached love feels like. i don't really recognize it... or i do, but somehow i keep slipping into the old habit of disempowerment... like i am drowning in my own loneliness, and whenever someone comes along i cling to them and pull them under in an attempt to get some air.

i think i just keep flailing about, forgetting that i'm a pretty good swimmer and i don't need anyone to rescue me.

it's just been so played up by the movies we watch and the books we read... the protagonist is a homely but sweet man who's never known true love, but sees the woman of his dreams, and at first she doesn't notice him, but he waits for her. he does little things for her, in the hopes that she might one day notice him and almost pity him, and give him a chance, and discover that he's really a sweet and romantic man who can provide her with everything that makes her happy (except a sexy-ass bod and great sex). they get married and live happily ever after, the beauty and the beast.

but TRUE love is not like that! TRUE love has to be an immediate and mutual connection, and a gradual building of a trusting friendship, and an eventual confession of "more-than-just-friends" feelings. at least, that's how i feel like it should be for me. this can exist for everyone, i believe. but both individuals must be free and empowered, standing tall as their own God/dess earth-forms. there cannot be one who is feeling less than their full selves. because that one will suck the life out of the other, and the other will just feel suffocated and chained-down. we must all remember that we are independently responsible for our own happiness and love. that these feelings do not come from outside of oneself, but from that place within. that place of pure appreciation for the way things are Now. that place of clarity, recognizing the Perfection and Divinity of Everything That Is. when you reside in that place more often than not, you're bound to rendezvous with another who is as well, and who enjoys being there with you.

it's time for the perpetuation of the romantic lie to end. it's been the most painful lie to live, and it's tentacles still have a hold of my big toe. but i'm done feeding that monster! it does not serve me, and never did.

love!

the ultimate freedom

it's amazing... i've reached such a free place in my experience... physically, things are still the same... but i've let go of one of the biggest fears that was holding me up.

ever since i Awakened last summer, i've been so very aware of where i was (angry, depressed, etc), and was in a way pushing against those feelings... trying to stop "negative" thoughts... trying to avoid getting aggravated or sad... but finally i've come to this understanding that those feelings are always going to be there. i'm always going to have times when i feel depressed. and there will always be times when i feel elated. there will always be times when i feel agro. and there will be times when i am brutally honest. this is true empowerment. to own all of those emotions, and feel them as they come, and still be okay with it. to create a beautiful sad moment is just as valuable as creating a beautiful happy moment. in fact, sometimes the beautiful sad moments are even more home-hitting than the happy ones. because a happy moment always comes with that seed of sadness that "this too shall pass."

this is what the yin-yang symbol is. in the black, there is a seed of white. in the dark, dismal emotions, there is a seed of light... that Knowing that "this too shall pass." and when you find that seed of Knowing, you stand on it and look into the darkness and find the beauty there, and think "hey. i'm alright. and this emotion isn't killing me. it's actually kind of pretty." and while you're standing on that white island, suddenly you find it growing, to become the white half, and within the white half is a seed of Knowing that "this too shall pass." and you appreciate all of it, and feel thankful that you made it this far. this is when things become truly magical. this is when the universe shows itself to you in all it's glory. and after going through this oscillation enough times, you come to find peace within it. you know what's coming. and you embrace the transformation. and you surrender and become more willing to show All of yourSelf to the universe. the happy and the sad. the agro and the peaceful. the depression and the elation. and you feel no shame. you just have such a pure desire to share your Whole Self with this magnificent experience called Life. and you do it whole heartedly and passionately. you don't care what the people at the grocery store think when you break down suddenly in front of the array of cheeses. you dance with the abandon of a child in front of a crowd of people. you laugh out loud at what seems to be nothing at all, but you know you're laughing at the perfect absurdity of Everything and Everyone. and you relish in how delicious a bag of chips is.

i don't want to eliminate anything from my experience. i don't want to eliminate half of my experience just in the hopes of achieving the manifestation of all of my physical desires. i don't think that's what life is about. life is about watching the crazy people walk down main street saying things like "i'm not sexy no more... i've got a great butt though!" (yes, i heard someone say this today as i was eating a sandwich outside a deli in my town. i laughed so hard!). life is about the Critical Moment, when the cicadas are buzzing real loud, and the grass is wet from the rain that just went away, and the orange light of the street lamps is sparkling on everything in a strangely comforting way. and you're walking with a kid that you met fifteen minutes earlier and you're talking about how big the universe is. and you're remembering how you felt when you encountered a beautiful boy at a hippie fest in the woods in pennsylvania. and you're pouring your heart out to this stranger, and saying that no matter how much it hurts, i'm still gonna do it all over again because it's worth it to FEEL. that's what life is. it's not this fantasy of driving in a glamourous car with your freshly pressed-on nails and straight, blond hair-extensions. it's not doing yoga every day, eating raw food, and saying positive affirmations and arranging your furniture for the best energy-flow. i refuse to eliminate half of the equation! i want both! i want to do yoga when i want to do yoga. i want to be a motherfuckin gangsta and smoke a blunt with mah homies when i want to be a motherfuckin gangsta smokin blunts with mah homies. it's all part of the movie. and it's all God. it's all perfection. everyone is enlightened, just not all of them remember that they are. but everyone knows their own truth, and when they can say it openly, there is always a nugget of enlightenment to be captured, and treasured.

i love this life so much. i love this planet. i love this body. i love the struggle. i love the ease. i love love love love love it! it's so much fun!

yes!

a video i made

the intuitive Voice is so very quiet in its wisdom. but the more i listen, the stronger it becomes. it is rhythmic and soothing, always telling me exactly what i am needing to hear.

Love and longing are not synonymous

Longing is...

reaching

grasping

aching

pulling

needing

desperate

taking

twisting

groping

LOVE is...

full

expanding

unfolding

becoming

easy

true

overflowing

growing

glowing

oh our dear, dear child! why do you so often go back to doubting yourself? you feel a good thing and you know it can exist anywhere at any time, in any moment that you choose! and then the next day you forget to choose it again? why is it this way? why are you choosing to forget so easily? when you doubt yourself, you are doubting god, and when you doubt god you are doubting everything, and you know the doubting is what is causing you to feel so bad, so why do you choose it? you don't like feeling bad when you're feeling bad, so why do you keep choosing to feel bad? just choose to feel god. choose to feel good. it's not about thinking it, it's about feeling it. don't doubt your feelings, there is nothing to doubt! there is nothing at all to doubt! in other words, DOUBT NOTHING, because NOTHING doesn't EXIST, EVERYTHING EXISTS.

remember in every moment. just remember. it's so much easier than you are choosing to make it. it's as easy as a decisive thought, and then a decisive action, and a continuation of the sequence of those things. just keep going, it gets easier and easier the more you practice it, but the less you practice it, the more you just postpone your own glory. it's okay though, because the more you postpone it, the more glorious it becomes in the waiting for you. but don't let that be your excuse not to go, allow it to be your excuse to soothe yourself into a place of less guilt, more trust. less fear, more trust. less doubt, more trust. less questioning, more trust.

just take a step. one step. god will help you take the rest.

letter to a future self

dear Me,

it seems easier to forget. it seems easier to be lazy and block yourself from your truest Creativity. but it's not easier. it's much much much harder. it's so much harder to not listen to the Call. why make it hard on yourself? just feel good! there really is nothing worth feeling less than good about. it's not a big deal. god is very large, you can trust her! you can trust that s.he is always there, doing exactly what s.he is doing.

see, what you keep doing is forgetting your Place. you are the smaller creator. the Creation is already always happening, and it will happen in the Best way possible, whether you're there or not. you are not Creator from where you're positioned. the larger You is the Creator, and the you that is projected into the physical apparatus is the experiencer, the aligner. just as important a job! no less significant! but you need not fear your own power, because it is not so great as to overthrow the Power of the Creator. just feel good and when you are needed, we will let you know. and you will KNOW. just as you Knew when you Knew that you Knew. a little bluejay flew into your experience and you Knew him before you saw his face. you heard his Call, and that is what it will feel like. reach for that Feeling. yes, that is what the Truth feels like. all else is falsehood, which is just another word for distortion. it's just a warping of the mirage, sort of like the heat coming off of the pavement. it expands the air so that the light bends as it travels through it. such is the way of the Truth and the way you see it. if you have a lens in front of you, the lens of forgetfulness is a different density from the pure remembrance lens, and so the light of Truth is distorted as it passes through. clean your lenses!

you are doing very well. continue to express. even in the times when you feel blank. express the blank. because the blank is also god.

love!