the dance of destruction and transformation

i had a really powerful day today.

first let me fill you in on some of what i've been experiencing lately. outer circumstances, and my own forgetfulness of Who I Am, had thrown me into a bit of leftover depression. when i talk about depression, i'm not talking about feeling a little sad, or feeling a little bummed-out. i'm talking about total, soul-crushing, mind-numbing darkness. i'm talking about wishing i could stop existing, but knowing that it is impossible to do so. i'm talking about wishing i could avoid everything that i have created for myself to start fresh, only to remember that it doesn't work that way. it takes an enormous amount of inner strength to pull oneself through something like that. i'm not the only person who has done it, either. i have survived, and not out of a desire to live. there were days when i had no desire at all to be alive, and i finally tried to act on that feeling (of course i failed, otherwise i would not be writing this). and it is only because i have consciously fought this desire to NOT be alive that i have come to learn the lessons i did in the past few days.

i have been spending a lot of thought energy trying to manifest my way back to school. but while i was trying to do that, another feeling was there that i was trying very hard to ignore. it was the feeling that it was not quite the time for me to be back at school. not just yet anyway. there are other things to be done first. i was trying VERY hard to ignore this feeling. but when i finally faced it, i realized it was right. if i were to go back to school now, i would be caught up in a quagmire of financial aid, paperwork, no housing, no food, and a bunch of stuff that has NOTHING to do with being a student. when i do go back, these things will have already been taken care of. i will not need to worry about anything except finishing my homework on time and doing my best. so i made the conscious choice to surrender to the inevitable, rather than waste my energy fighting it.

today, that feeling was confirmed.

today, i went to a Reiki Share Group in a small town near where i live. this is a group of several Reiki Level 3 women who practice healing each other. a friend of mine told me about the group, and although she didn't show up today, i went and really enjoyed myself. during my healing session, i had three women working on me at once. one woman was at my head, one at my feet, and one woman, Linda, was sort of observing my energy from afar. when i laid down and closed my eyes, i was of course bombarded with my usual onslaught of annoying, unnecessary thoughts. not necessarily fears, just stupid things that get in the way of me experiencing the Here And Now. anyway, i just told myself to relax and allow these beautiful women to give me this energy and show me love. all of a sudden, i felt this really intense energy in my stomach. it felt like the power that you feel when you put two like poles of a magnet close to each other. like a tingling, electricity feeling, but completely painless. but INTENSE. i have had Reiki sessions before, but i have never felt the energy so powerfully as i did today. i had my eyes closed and i was wondering what was going on! i opened my eyes, and Linda was standing next to me, with both of her hands over my stomach chakra, just smiling away! beaming! and i closed my eyes and just grinned, because it re-confirmed everything that my ego had been trying to make me doubt. when the women were finished, i sat up and they told me how they felt, and i told them how i felt. the woman who was at my feet had moved up my left side, touching her hands to each joint. i hadn't told her at all, but the most trouble with me happens on my left side. i don't know what it is. and she totally intuited that i needed help on that side of my body. what Linda had to say to me, though, was the most amazing message i have heard since i have been on this path.

first i have to tell you about the shroom trip i had this summer at a festival. i happened to meet a guy at this festival, and he told me he had a whole batch of shrooms that he grew himself. he offered me some, and i gladly obliged! but, not having had any legitimate mushrooms (just the shitty ones that occasionally pass through the campus community), i ended up taking quite a bit more than was probably advisable. that night i had one of the most powerful self-realizations of my life. this was the first time i remembered MySelf. i was dancing to this incredible performance by this native-american-infused rock band. they were chanting and beating drums.... the guitarist was like a gnarled old tree that had come to life and was SHREDDING the guitar. and there was this earth-angel-goddess playing the washboard, and every time i started to feel a little scared of how hard i was tripping, i just looked at her and took comfort and knew that everything would be okay. it was an INCREDIBLE experience. but at some point, as i was dancing, i got caught in eternity. lol, i know that sounds silly, but for a second i was literally stuck in eternity. i wondered to myself "how long have i been here? how long have i been dancing like this?" and this very "clear" voice, but not really a voice, more like a conscious presence within me, said "i have been here forever. i have ALWAYS been doing this dance." and in that moment, however long it was, i felt that i was Shiva and i felt that i had come to this planet with a very important purpose. i KNEW these feelings to be true, and i accepted them as truth. of course, after the shrooms wore off, i didn't really know what to make of this experience, so i sort of put it on the back-burner.

but today, Linda told me something that brought that back-burner to the forefront of my consciousness. she said that when she was over my stomach, she saw an image of Shiva, but it was me, and i was dancing and i had all my arms, giving love energy to the whole world. she told me that my aura was huge and that my crown chakra was basically blasting through the woman who was at my head. she had done an initial scan of my energy and could feel it everywhere. all of this amazed me, because i had never told anyone my experience of myself as Shiva. i never even put two-and-two together, that Shiva was the Lord of Dance, and that i was dancing and said "i have always been here, i have always been doing this dance." the name Shiva just sort of FELT right, but i was tripping balls on mushrooms, so i wasn't consciously thinking "oh, which god is the one that does that dance?" i just KNEW and FELT myself to be Shiva, incarnate on this planet, to do something really big.

now, i know this all sounds super crazy and pretty full of ego, but i don't care. i am completely independent of the good or bad opinion of others. today i was reminded that i have something big that i came here to do. i know that i am not more important than anyone else on this planet, or in this universe. everyone is equally as important as everyone else in the grand scheme of things. all things are connected, and you cannot remove any one part of the whole. it is ALL important. EVERYONE is important. these things i know to be true, and these are things i must remind myself of daily. YES i am god. and so is EVERYONE ELSE. so it is with great love and confidence that i say these things: i have a big role to play in this life. there are no small parts, only small actors. my taking up this role --whatever form it will take, because it isn't going to happen in an instant, and i am certainly not ready for it yet... i have a lot to learn, and a lot to master within myself-- is not diminishing any one of you and your EQUALLY important roles! barack obama is basically the figurehead of the world right now, but does that mean he is more important than the people who elected him and who work for his cause? absolutely not. i am telling you, with certainty and with humility, i am eventually going to be in a position similar to obama's position in america... but i am going to be that for the world. my ego feels daunted by the idea. but this is a purpose that i have known in my heart for my entire life, and which i forgot for a little while (namely in high school).

so why am i writing all of this in a blog? i dunno, i guess to just remind myself of the ultimate direction in which i'm headed, and perhaps to make you all think i'm crazy :P it's all good dude, i don't need to prove myself. i'm just going to surrender to the purpose that the universe has in store for me. i know it's there, and i know it's big. i don't know what it will be just yet, but i have a feeling that it's along the lines of what i just described. right now, i can live my humble little life, working at a bakery and praying and meditating and feeding the ducks and taking daily walks and all the other little things i do to keep myself sane. i know that the future is infinite in potential, and i'm excited to see it all unfold. i'm so glad that you are all on this path with me!

what about you guys? what self-realizing, big-bang-consciousness moments have you had? have you remembered your purpose? have you remembered how grand your life is meant to be? it's big! for all of us, our purpose is BIG. but not all of us are ready or willing, in this incarnation, to take up that BIGNESS and really fully accept it. i hope each and every one of you is as ready to change this world for the better as i am.

LOVE!