wondrous changes!

if you haven't heard of Abraham-Hicks yet, you NEED to look them up on youtube. my life has literally changed DRAMATICALLY since i started listening to their wisdom two days ago!

we hear all of this stuff about manifesting and creating your own reality, and everyone has their own methods and everyone is saying their method is the best. it's all very confusing, and i had been feeling like i was missing something... that i was doing it wrong somehow. since coming across Abraham-Hicks, i am SO MUCH less worried about myself and my creation.

Esther Hicks is a woman who channels the wisdom of a group of 4th dimensional beings known collectively as Abraham. i know that sounds rather odd to some people, but it is amazing wisdom. i am so much happier than i was before i found them, and i was becoming pretty okay with my life and myself. but now i remember what it is like to be happy, and i don't think i've felt this good in a very long time. it's really wonderful!

i cannot describe the wisdom and do it justice. just go check it out on youtube. here's a good one:




i've been making an effort to go to the cemetery around the block from my house every morning to watch the sunrise. it's really wonderful! nobody goes in there at this time of year, and at the time of day i go, so it's a whole big area of hills and trees, and i can be completely alone there! i can shout my gratitude from the top of a hill! my recommendation to anyone reading this is to find a place in nature that you can easily access, where you can be completely alone and uninterrupted, and just go there for a little while every day. it makes such a big difference in one's well-being and that's all i want for anyone.

loving all of you!

darkroom

well, so much for getting to bed early! i haven't slept yet, but i did see the sunrise :) haha, i actually had a great morning. i'm feelin good!

i realized something while i was meditating this morning. i was thinking about being in a darkroom, and how much i love it. i get those really pleasant chills when i'm in a pitch-black room, with nobody but me, and a task at hand. and i emerge victorious, with film canister in hand, ready to work with a new artistic potential. such is the same with life for me, a scorpio woman. although i often feel afraid when i am in the throes of depression, there is something in the darkness that must be experienced. something very intangible. a chilling loneliness that cannot be matched in well-lit areas. it's the same reason why i love going into cemeteries at night. nobody is there! nobody dares go there because they're secretly too afraid. but we scorpios are too intrigued by the darkness for our fear to overpower our curiosity.

i haven't talked about astrology yet, but it is something i love very much. i always feel so honored to be a scorpio. it is the most mysterious and complex of all the astrological energies. and i have a LOT of scorpio energy in me (4 planets in fact!). scorpio is intense and passionate, that's what everyone knows already. but everyone is afraid of scorpios because we have a bad reputation. we're not assholes, i promise! we're mostly just misunderstood, much like a scorpion. i've held scorpions, they're actually quite docile. there is nothing to be afraid of. you just need to be aware that if a scorpion feels threatened, it will issue warnings, and then it will use its stinger. same with scorpios. you do not want to fuck around with a scorpio. we will never let on when we are feeling vulnerable or hurt. you won't know it for a very long time. but we always remember, every single offense is taken into account. until one day, out of the blue, we EXPLODE! it seems like it's for the stupidest reason, but it is because of the straw breaking the camel's back. watch out! anyone in the way will be stung without mercy and without thought. it is instinct, and it is automatic and almost involuntary.

i say almost because it is the scorpio's greatest self-development task to master her temper. scorpios have the greatest capacity for transcendence. many are unaware that there are actually 3 animals associated with scorpio, one of which is the phoenix, which burns itself up in a passionate explosion, only to rise anew from the ashes.

this is what my life has been like for the past few months. an old, frightened, unloved and unloving me died a slow and painful death that lasted from the end of november until a couple of weeks ago. and today a fresh, beautiful, bright young phoenix is rising from the ashes of what used to be my life. whew!

anyway, if any of you are scorpios, let me know about your own experiences! i know you know what i'm talking about when i mention the darkness. or maybe you're too distracted with all the earth-shattering sex you're having? who knows :P

LOVE!

commitments

i need to learn to keep my commitments, to myself and the rest of myself (in the form of other people).

so far i have kept my commitment to meditate every morning and every night before bed. but i have not kept the commitment to myself to wake up early enough to see the sunrise every morning. it should be an easy commitment, simply a matter of rearranging my sleeping schedule. it's not like i am required to stay up until 3 am every night. it's just how things have happened. how do i change it though? it seems like every time i manage to wake up earlier in the day, i get so tired midway through that i fall asleep and mess it all up again...

i guess commitments take willpower. when making a commitment to oneself, you are making an agreement that you are going to do something that will be good for you, even if one day you don't "feel like it." you must push past the "i don't feel like it" stage, because that is the stage that will always keep us where we are, and stop us from going where we want.

so today, i am going to bed before midnight. i am going to meditate early enough in the night so that i succeed in fulfilling this commitment today. just for today, i am going to bed early enough so that i can wake up and see the sunrise.

just for today, i am going to hold fast to my commitments. just for today, i will stick like glue to the commitments i have made to myself in order that i may experience a balanced and joyful life.

just for today, i will eradicate the laziness that ego creates in me!

loving you all!

aaaaaahhhhhh, yes.

so i have been attuned to Reiki. it's such a subtle change i feel, but i definitely feel different. i feel like i can handle anything that comes my way. i feel balanced and centered. i know that this feeling may or may not be permanent, but at least i know what it feels like, so i can recognize better when i am not balanced or centered.

i am feeling so trusting in the good outcomes of things. i feel thankful knowing that i am now acting from a place of centered consciousness.

i don't even know what to write. i've changed so much since even a couple weeks ago. at that time i was chomping at the bit to get out of this town and go back to school. now i am so aware that staying where i am was the best choice for me, because i have really been able to settle into myself and my place in this world. i know that i can only go up from here, and that is a comforting thought. i am so willing and able to stay here and really solidify the centered feeling i have right now. then, when i go forth this summer and have amazing adventures all over the place, i will be able to do so from a place of balance and love and harmony. and when i go back to school, i will have so much wonderful knowledge and wisdom about myself under my belt, and i will be able to be a much better student than i could have been this semester!

i'm so thankful for everything that i have chosen in this lifetime. i have been so blessed to know amazing people and to experience incredible and beautiful things. and i am thankful for the awareness of my Being, which allows me to create and experience everything i can dream of.

love to everyone!

changes

have you ever been through a period in your life where so much change occurred all at once that when things settled down, you realized you weren't at all the same person?

i feel like that now.

it's not bad at all. it's just really strange. i feel like my mind is a blank slate. but where to go from here? what do i wish to do?

i need to take a shower. my reiki attunement is today :)

floating in space

i have never been in this place before. i am at a point where everything in my life has so radically shifted that i can't imagine trying to go back to the way things once were... but at the same time, i feel like i don't know at all where i want to go from here. all of the books i read tell me that i need to set goals and take steps towards those goals. but i don't know what i'm trying to accomplish. i don't really know my mission yet. i suppose that means i'm still in the phase of working on myself and solidifying new habits before i go and do big things that may throw me off balance.

i am getting my reiki level 1 attunement tomorrow! i'm really excited for it. i've wanted to become attuned ever since i first heard what reiki was.


i never thought i would feel afraid of love. i always was so hungry for romance in my life. in all aspects, not just a relationship. i love romance. i love regarding my life as if it's a movie that i'm creating/watching. perhaps that's why so much drama seems to come my way. movies just aren't the same without a little drama i guess. what would life be like without any drama at all? would it even be interesting? what would there be to talk about if it weren't for gossip, politics, celebrities, and all the DRAMA we experience all the time? what would happiness feel like if i forgot what depression felt like?

questions like these sometimes make me wish i could just STOP. cease existence. it all feels like such a game sometimes. like it's pointless, so can i stop playing now?

anyway, i just feel kind of wary of romance right now in my life. i just escaped a whirlwind of romantic turmoil so recently, and now i'm faced with a new potential and find myself totally confused. what do i want? i guess it's best to answer that question by first asking "what don't i want?"

i don't want to feel trapped
i don't want to feel worried
i don't want to feel like everything i do has weight to it
i don't want constant wondering in my head... is he right for me? do i love him? when will it end? is this forever? do i want this to be forever?
i don't want to settle for someone just because he's the only one around/available.
i don't want to have expectations placed on me
i don't want to argue or struggle for common ground
i just want to stop wondering what the consequences will be! i feel stuck in a corner, wondering if i'm going to make the right decision. i feel like every decision i make will affect the rest of my life. what if i mess it up? what if i end up with something i didn't want? what if i hurt someone or myself?

paralyzed with fear? this shouldn't be me. fear is clouding my intuition right when i need it the most!

i guess, in the situation i'm in right now, i am forgetting to use communication skills. i'm forgetting that it's best to be completely honest in every moment.

i think i'm rambling now. time to meditate and go to bed. tomorrow is going to be a great day :) today was sort of apathetic and hazy. i spent the whole day sleeping/lazing/laying around.

love!

hypochondria

i've been thinking about the word "hypochondria" as it pertains to me. looking back on my life since high school, it seemed like one thing after another was wrong with my body. i dislocated my knee several times between ninth grade and now. i had super bad lower back pain for almost an entire summer once. i had a foot injury that had residual effects up until recently. i had to go to physical therapy for a shoulder problem that hasn't managed to leave yet. i had pains in my lungs for several months in 2009. i had a recurring bladder infection from july until present. it's been one thing after another going wrong with my body. as my friend put it (a little sarcastically?) "wow, you're falling apart."

this lead to a lot of paranoia about my body. i was constantly worrying about whether i would ever be completely healthy again, wondering what was going to go wrong next. this is hypochondria if i ever saw it! it's so funny, because i always laughed at the idea of hypochondria. people basically making up nonsense ailments in their heads, and convincing themselves that they are experiencing symptoms.

then my friend yesterday told me that i need to get my "control drama in check." he said that i am "poor me incarnate" and that whenever any kind of energy channel is opened with me, i start in on what is going wrong with my life.

this made me remember that i've been doing this with ALL aspects of my life: my body, my financial situation, my college experience, my family, my EVERYTHING. instead of looking at what IS healthy in my experience, i have been worrying about the parts that feel "off," and wondering what's going to go wrong next.

of course, the irony of hypochondria is "what you think about, you bring about." a hypochondriac is worrying so much about one little "symptom," imaginary or real, and focuses so much on it that it ends up getting worse and actually being something which consumes the person.

this is not how i wish to use my time! wasting it by focusing on one little ache or pain and in effect, ignoring all the health that i have been blessed with.

i think a lot of us experience hypochondria in our lives. we get caught up in the drama surrounding us in the media and in our perceived realities. we focus on that drama, talk about it as if it's important, and then internalize the resulting vibration. then we look for the next thing to complain about, until we really have nothing to talk about that doesn't somehow lead to complaining or gossiping.

gossip and complaint are the worst wastes of thought and word energy. it is focusing on what is wrong in the outside world, which distracts us from the things we can work on internally.

as dr, wayne dyer says, "when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change." are you looking at your life and only seeing the "problems" you have? why not be thankful for the problems you don't have? there are a lot more of those! some people in this world go their entire lives without drinking a glass of clean water. NOT ONCE. i know some people who actually have the audacity to complain about the taste of the tap water in my town. my town has some of the tastiest drinking water in this world! what is there to complain about? of course, some people don't even drink water because they don't like it. i will never understand these people. but to each his own. my point is, there's nothing to complain about. we are not experiencing war first hand. we are not in the midst of a famine. we are not quarantined or wearing face masks due to airborn epidemic diseases like bird flu or anything. and we wash our asses with cleaner water than some people ever get to drink! there is a lot to be thankful for, but it takes effort. you have to be diligent in the observation of your thoughts and words. but this is such an easy way to change the world. change your perspective first. notice the ways in which your life is actually pretty awesome, rather than focusing all of your energy on what is "wrong" or "falling apart" in your life. if something is supposed to fall apart, it's going to whether you like it or not. you might as well be thankful for it, because complaining about something inevitable never stopped it from happening. yes, be thankful for the shit that goes down in your life. once you can do that, you will be well on your way to mastery my friends. because when you can be thankful even for the bad things, WHILE they are happening, the next step is being thankful for no reason at all. and that only brings pure happiness, regardless of the outer circumstances.

that's my lesson for the day. i hope you all can find some insight there :) i love becoming aware of the places where i need to grow. well, it's breakfast time! i finally woke up at the perfect time today! 10 am, yay! i've been waking up anywhere between 2 and 4 pm for the past several weeks, and missing out on all the wonderful sunlight! not today folks. today i'm using all the sunlight for my own benefit, and none of you can stop me, muahahahahahahahaha!

ok, peace out kids.

LOVE!