comfortably uncomfortable

you know the feeling, when you're almost asleep, and your bed is so warm and cozy, and you feel like you are just drifting on a cloud.... but then you realize you REALLY have to pee? the pain in your bladder is almost unbearable, but you don't want to leave the beautiful comfort of your bed. if you let it go long enough, you'll either violently escape your bed to run to the bathroom, or you just hope the pain goes away until you end up wetting the bed.

it seems like a lose-lose situation. either lose the comfort of your bed and gain the comfort of an empty bladder, or keep the comfort of your bed only to lose that comfort as soon as it becomes soaked with your urine.

this is a strange analogy, i know, but i realized it's what had become of my first and only boyfriend-girlfriend relationship.

we loved eachother so much. but there were differences that made things a little difficult. i ended up violently escaping my bed so as to relieve some of the pain i was feeling (ironically enough, i actually was having bladder problems, which have been subsequently solved). but in doing so, i risked not being able to find the same comfort that i had found with my boyfriend. in fact, both of us have realized that it wasn't comfortable for either of us as much as it should have been.

i feel like a lot of people have become comfortably uncomfortable with their lives. they have a job they don't like, but it supplies them with the money they need to have the things they want. they have a spouse who doesn't satisfy their needs and desires, but it is the only person they have found who is willing to be with them. there are numerous other situations which make us uncomfortable, but we are comfortable enough that we ignore the discomfort.

by acknowledging any discomfort, whether emotional, physical, or spiritual, and trying to figure out where the discomfort is coming from, it is easier to gently get out of bed at the first sight of pain, release what needs to be released, and trust that the bed will be more comfortable once you take care of yourself.

we always forget to take care of ourselves. we're constantly surrounded by people or things that seem to need our attention. mothers forget about their health in lieu of a new baby. an engineer doesn't get enough sleep or healthy food because he is busy on a new project. a student drinks coffee and smokes cigarettes to stay awake so she can cram for a test the next day. these are things all of us do, in some way or another. but in paying attention to things outside of ourselves, we forget to take care of what's inside of our Selves.

my ex-boyfriend once told me, while i was in california, missing him terribly, that "pain is fear leaving the body." if pain did not express itself (whether physically or emotionally), it would stay inside, as fear. fear colors our worldview and brings more pain upon ourselves. it's a good thing to express the pain and fear that we feel. i have been surrounded by loving beautiful people who have been trying to help me get through the pain of this recent breakup (which i've never experienced, by the way. i've only had one boyfriend in my life). i am so thankful for their loving patience. but they have been trying to tell me to stop crying, to stop being upset, to stop feeling this pain. all i want, though, is to feel the pain, express it, and release it. i cannot release that which i push back down into the deepest corners of my mind. all of it needs to get out of me. no one would ever tell another person, "oh, you have to go to the bathroom? well, that's not good for you, just ignore the pain, it'll go away." no one would ever tell someone who was sick to their stomach and throwing up "swallow that back down, you don't need to throw up, throwing up sucks." the thought is absurd. if you need to get something out, get it out! it's doing no good to you when it's trapped inside!

pain not expressed is worse than pain felt and then buried.

love