letters from the captain

this town is like an old shipwreck. there's treasure buried here, and haunted legends keep most of the divers away. but i ain't scared. i know that treasure is worth enough to set a thousand more ships a-sailing 'cross a crystal blue sea of glorious, God-filled potential. i'm goin' in after it.

i walk the streets and see the faces of sad and broken stories. my heart swells with compassion for their forgetful, frightened minds. they are Divine, too. but like a foot that's been sat on for too long, they've forgotten Who they are connected with. so i smile, knowing Who I Am, because that's the best i can do for these beautiful creatures. maybe they'll remember to look in the mirror.

sometimes i forget my own Connection. it's then that i become distressed, and feel the weight of the world on my tiny human shoulders. how can one woman with such grand desires ever fulfill herself and comfort the world at the same time? she can't. just as it's not possible for one heart cell to pump all the blood to the rest of the human body, one human being cannot bring love to the entirety of man. but she can love her God, and through her, God can love her creation. and maybe, just maybe, her love will be more contagious than swine flu. and love is not just airborne. you and i, our hearts are talking to each other, even though we don't even know each other. even if you're on the other side of the planet from me, my heart is sending electromagnetic pulses in a radius that spans the entire globe and out into the universe.

talk about collective consciousness.

what if you only loved your family. purely and unabashedly gave each of your family members love and appreciation in every moment you were together. and the hearts of you and your family beat in the rhythm of the love of God. and that rhythm was pulsed out to each and every heart on this planet. and someone in another corner of the world had a heart that picked up on that Holy Rhythm, and suddenly became inspired to go home and love his family. do you see where this leads?

it begins with the simplest gesture of openness. when we were little, we remembered that it was safe to love everyone. so we did. but our parents got scared and punished us and told us that some people are not okay to love. they told us that we ourselves are not okay to love. it's not their fault though, because once upon a time, they were also little ones who remembered the wonders of loving everyone. and they were also born into families that were scared.

but you can be the beginning of a new pattern. you can fill yourself with love.

oh they'll call you selfish. they'll think you're a little wacky. but it feels so good that you won't care what they think, because you'll have compassion for them. because you remember what it felt like to be afraid of love. and you remember that ultimately, everyone only wants to love. it's what makes us the most Human.

we love.

you are safe here. because God is here, and God is taking care of everything for you. you don't need to worry anymore. you don't need to make anything happen. God is doing it all.

i am finding the treasure. i find pieces of it every day. i don't see a shipwreck anymore. i see the most magnificent future anyone could conceive of. and i have God on my side. i know the future is certain to be magnificent.

love.

it's been a while

so

i haven't written anything in a while. i've been journaling, but nothing for public view. however public this is.

scorpio is a time of transformations. shedding the old to make space for the brand new. allowing what doesn't serve you to fall away, while having the knowing that what does serve you will come in to take its place.

transformation can be a turbulent time for those who don't recognize it as transformation time. things fall apart in this time. you might get fired from your job. your mate might leave you. other things may go all to hell. these things that go "wrong" are part of the exoskeleton you are shedding. you no longer fit in that exoskeleton. trust that this is what is happening, and don't resist the changes the universe is making in your life. things will sort themselves out. but the more you resist, the longer it will take for Source to bring you what you need. just give the steering wheel over to the Larger Forces, and trust that what becomes of life will be more to your liking than you can imagine.

"negative" emotions may arise at this time. don't resist or judge them. don't punish yourself for feeling them. you wouldn't punish yourself for seeing red and orange, rather than only purple and blue. you know that these colors are just different frequencies of the same energy. red is light moving at a slower rate than purple. but it's ultimately the same thing.

well the same goes for "negative" and "positive" emotions. they are both of value, because they are both showing you how close you are to being who you REALLY are. who you really are, who you were when you first came into this world, is a joyful, excited, loving being. the reason why children are so wonderful to be around is because they remind us of who we REALLY ARE. we un-learned our natural way of being. and so many people are used to living in a state of less-than-bliss, because they think it's normal. i do it too. well, i don't think it's normal, but it's a habit.

anyway, when emotions come up during times of transformation, feel them, and allow them to be released. don't push them away or condemn them or argue with them or convince yourself to feel otherwise. and don't perpetuate a story to back up the emotion. just feel the emotion and notice it like you would notice the color of a flower, or the feeling of water on your hand. notice what it feels like, and let it go when it's ready to go.

likewise, physical things may need to be released. right now i am in the process of cleaning my room. and i mean CLEANING MY ROOM. i used to have a habit of saving little odds and ends just for the hell of it. now i'm finding that my life is cluttered with all this crap that doesn't belong here. i'm going through all of it and getting rid of probably 80%.

don't be afraid of letting all of these things go. as a mass consciousness, we have trained ourselves into a mindset of scarcity. we fear letting go of physical things because "what if i can't get more?" it's the mindset that underlies much of the over-eating problem in this country. "clean your plate, there are children in africa who are starving." well those children in africa have nothing to do with how full my stomach is, do they? if i'm full, i'm full, and i don't need to be eating any more.

notice what no longer serves you. i quit smoking weed because the more i do it, the worse i feel, mentally and physically. i'm not condemning the use of marijuana, but i have used it enough in my life. it no longer serves me. and i have no qualms about letting that habit go.

when you are trusting enough to let go of the old, the new is allowed to come in and replace it. and the new will take forms that you may not have ever imagined. new friends will come along to replace the ones you no longer vibe with. new pastimes will come into your awareness and will fill the time that the old pastimes once filled.

there is no judgement here. "old" is not "bad." and don't make judgements on yourself for having things, people, or habits in your life that others may have released. what serves me is different from what serves you. just because i quit smoking doesn't mean you're required to. it doesn't make me better than you, or vice versa. it's just a difference in preference. you don't need to push away things you think are bad for you. release things when they are ready to be released. there's no rush, and there's nothing to be afraid of. no matter what, you're alright!

i hope this brings clarity for those of you who are reading this. big things are happening at this time on our planet. if you are watching the "news," you'll notice that things are falling apart at a faster and faster rate. people seem to be panicking and freaking out more than ever. if you'll recognize that this is a large-scale transformation, and apply what i've said about your personal life to the larger scope, you'll come to a place of calm understanding that things are just shifting around. we have so many people on this planet, contributing to the mass consciousness of the world we live in. there is a lot that has to be shifted. there is a very big exoskeleton that needs to be shed. but the brand new creature that is emerging from that exoskeleton is glorious to behold, and better than anyone can conceive of right now. just have trust in that and ride this wave. don't get caught up in the fearful stories. just ride through this energy and you'll see, big things are moving into place as you read this. and it's all very very good :)

love!

november brings new awareness

it's november already! whew, i sure have been sprinting through time and space. it seems like just yesterday i was angstily waiting for spring to bring me out of hibernation.

time is relative.

i haven't written much in a while. it feels like i've been doing a lot. energetically, i've been busy. and i feel really good! i've been flying lately! these last few weeks have been spectacular!

friday is my birthday! hoorayyyyy! i love birthdays! it's an excuse to celebrate myself! i am turning 21 this year, and i am making my part as classy and awesome as possible. i have a phish cover band playing, wine and cheese, cupcakes, and a tarot reader! yes! classy attire (including a tiara for moi!). i just love extravagance sometimes, and ridiculousness, and fun. i love throwing parties. i love bringing people together to have fun. it's what humans are best at.

i've been noticing my patterns of self-criticism and perfectionism. because i am so attentive to detail, since detail is what makes a good character/scene/plot good, i have a habit of picking on myself for my "imperfections." i bite hangnails and pick at blemishes on my skin. i kick myself internally whenever i misspeak or step on someone's toes or "sound stupid." i am a lot more self conscious than i thought, and it seems to have increased since i became more aware of the goings-on in my mind. perhaps it's just the awareness that seems to have magnified it. either way, i am now allowing myself to let go of those self-critical patterns that are holding me back from feeling the best about Who I Really Am.

when i criticize myself, i feel bad. not because it's true. not because i need to work on myself and make myself better. i feel bad because there is a vibrational discord in the energy of the criticizing thought, and the perspective that Source takes. Source sees me as a glorious being, with gifts and talents beyond measure. Source finds me to be beautiful in every way. Source loves every single cell of my body, every word that comes from my mouth, every neuron that fires in my brain. Source folds me into its loving embrace in every moment. when i know this, my heart sings. my nerves tingle. my spirit soars! when i deny this, i feel the gap as negative emotion.

i'm thankful for my growing awareness of Source's infinite Love for all that I Am.

first a pumpkin patch, then an old fellow high school student?

another weird dream coincidence today...

i had a dream that these girls brought in a huge pita bread (HUGE, like 6 feet in diameter) and they unfolded it on the ground, and i was like WHOA! who made that? and one of them said "katie r. made it" and i was like "oh." then today at work, katie r. comes in and orders a chai latte and i'm like DUDE! you were in my dream last night! and she was like "uh..." (hahaha, the relationship between us in high school, where we knew each other, was zilch... i knew who she was, she knew who i was, but we didn't talk at all, and i hadn't seen her since graduation).

anyway, i thought it was funny, not only because she is random person to have in my dream, but that she just as randomly showed up at my work RIGHT when i was there!

lol.

i had a great success coaching session with matthew ashdown (http://www.matthewashdown.com/) and i am so excited for more! what a sweet dude!

i feel like life is unfolding magnificently, and it's getting easier and easier to trust in that greater Order, and allow it to be. :D

anyway, i don't have much fluffy stuff to say right now, i just wanted a record of my dream synchronicity.

love!

it's 10/10/10

well, it's october 10, 2010. that means by the time i post this, it will be 10:10 on 10/10/10

it's my mom's birthday today, and she turned 55. her birthday was 10/10/55. pretty awesome numerology there, huh?

hehe

so far, it's been a great month! many things are manifesting, not just for me, but for a lot of friends of mine. it's also been a very intense month, emotionally and energetically. it's difficult to explain... but it's not just me. several of my friends have reported similar feelings to mine: oscillations between sheer joy, to overwhelming emotion that seems to have no logical reason. it's beautiful, and it's strange, and it's exciting. i'm so thrilled to see what is coming. i can feel that big things are ready to pop! it feels very much like i imagine a pregnancy would feel... i am just waiting for the universe to give birth to all the amazing manifestations that are incubating right now. and i am feeling excited, just like an expectant mother would.

last night i dreamed that my neighbors approached me and told me about a place where you could get pumpkins for one dollar each. then today, my sister and i went to the mall to get a birthday gift for my mother, and on the way back (taking the scenic route) we came right up to a pumpkin place that had a big ol' sign that said "Pumpkins $1!" we cracked up, because i had told her about the dream, and she had said "there's a place somewhere around here that has pumpkins for cheap... but i don't know where it is." she has just started driving, so i was giving her directions, and at one point we came to an intersection and i didn't know which way was fastest to go home, but there were two signs, and one pointed to a town that was familiar to me, and i knew how to get home from there. so i said "let's go right." and about a mile down that road was the pumpkin patch! we were so thrilled, we stuck an extra dollar in the box (after we folded them all into little origami hearts, of course).

also, it was a beautiful day! incredibly warm, especially for october. it was warm even for august or july! fall is going to be a slow and languid transition this year. that's fine by me. many people are very anxious that we haven't had a frost yet.... "it's global warming! it's fucked up!" but i believe that everything in this world is in its perfect place, including the temperature. i'm not justifying polluting the environment or anything... but i have faith in a much larger force, and i am giving up my worries to that force, knowing that it can handle these comparatively small problems. when more of us are able to do this... to release this anxiety and fear... then we will find the planet is amazingly capable of bringing herself into balance.

i'm so very thankful to be living on this planet, in this body, at this time. it's amazing to witness the things that are happening right now. i am so excited for what is coming, and i am so appreciative of the value of past challenges. and i know that i am in the right place. everything is arranging itself for my greatest happiness and growth, as well as yours and everyone else's.

thank you for choosing to come to this planet, to help create a glorious experience of love and peace, the likes of which humanity has yet to see. we are blessed to have you join us.

happy 10/10/10 everybody! it's not gonna happen again for another 1000 years (and who knows, by then we may not have numbers assigned to months and years...)

love!

trees don't drink coffee

golden tears

fill the sky

from rooted Beings

joyously moving on

to the next stage of life

never looking back

always moving on

into the next season

whatever it may bring

Trusting in the Goodness

the Rightness

ultimate Patience

tranquility

and all around

mobile beings

seeking

searching

hunger for something more

blindly ignoring

the Gentle Giants

and their Teaching

everything anyone seeks

is right here

right now

no need to worry

just Breathe it in

the Eternal Love of Life

once upon a time, a girl loved her Life

and Life loved her

Life loved the girl so much

every day, He did his best

to show His love for her

He brought her flowers

she smelled them

and loved them

He brought her gifts

of shells

and stones

and trees

and the greatest gift of all

a glorious Body

in which she played

and explored Life

together they were happy

then, one day, Life brought to the girl

a beautiful boy to play with

this boy loved Life, too

and together they laughed

and Life loved them both

but soon

too soon

the day came

when the boy had to go a different way

saying, "i love you

but i love Life more

and i cannot change my Life

for you."

and with him gone

the girl was saddened

"Life is worthless

without him"

she said

still, Life brought her flowers

and kissed her face with the wind

but she turned away from Him

and slept long in the quiet of her room

and cried, her heart breaking

"i loved him more than Life itself!"

she lamented

but Life chuckled to himself

and still he brought her flowers

and even as she breathed

the air he gave her

every second

she cried

and mourned her loss

"he was my one true love!"

sorrow filled her very being

she could not find the strength

to lift her head

from the pillow of depression

she wished Life would just

go away

He was so persistent

and all she wanted was the boy

but Life knew that she would Remember

and so He still gave her flowers

and breathed his Life Breath into her

and kissed her face with the warmth of the sun

and rejoiced in her being

for He only had eyes for her

He loved her for eternity

and even as she scoffed

at His miraculous Gifts

still He loved her even more

then, after much time had passed

weeks?

months?

years?

she couldn't remember

suddenly she recalled

a dream

in which she was filled with love

for Life itself

the memory flooded her mind

and heart

and Life said "i love you

and always have

and even as you cried

and railed against Me

still i cradled you in my Eternal Embrace

i love you, dear one.

we are mates for all of Existence."

love filled her being

for she realized then and there

that her One True Love

was Life itself

and He was never gone from her

and never would be

He surrounded her

and engulfed her

she breathed Him in

and drank of His sweet nectar

sang His songs

and celebrated His beauty

and her voice rang out

"i love Life more than anything!"

and she greeted the new dawn

with a passion

she had never known

for any boy

in particular.