november brings new awareness

it's november already! whew, i sure have been sprinting through time and space. it seems like just yesterday i was angstily waiting for spring to bring me out of hibernation.

time is relative.

i haven't written much in a while. it feels like i've been doing a lot. energetically, i've been busy. and i feel really good! i've been flying lately! these last few weeks have been spectacular!

friday is my birthday! hoorayyyyy! i love birthdays! it's an excuse to celebrate myself! i am turning 21 this year, and i am making my part as classy and awesome as possible. i have a phish cover band playing, wine and cheese, cupcakes, and a tarot reader! yes! classy attire (including a tiara for moi!). i just love extravagance sometimes, and ridiculousness, and fun. i love throwing parties. i love bringing people together to have fun. it's what humans are best at.

i've been noticing my patterns of self-criticism and perfectionism. because i am so attentive to detail, since detail is what makes a good character/scene/plot good, i have a habit of picking on myself for my "imperfections." i bite hangnails and pick at blemishes on my skin. i kick myself internally whenever i misspeak or step on someone's toes or "sound stupid." i am a lot more self conscious than i thought, and it seems to have increased since i became more aware of the goings-on in my mind. perhaps it's just the awareness that seems to have magnified it. either way, i am now allowing myself to let go of those self-critical patterns that are holding me back from feeling the best about Who I Really Am.

when i criticize myself, i feel bad. not because it's true. not because i need to work on myself and make myself better. i feel bad because there is a vibrational discord in the energy of the criticizing thought, and the perspective that Source takes. Source sees me as a glorious being, with gifts and talents beyond measure. Source finds me to be beautiful in every way. Source loves every single cell of my body, every word that comes from my mouth, every neuron that fires in my brain. Source folds me into its loving embrace in every moment. when i know this, my heart sings. my nerves tingle. my spirit soars! when i deny this, i feel the gap as negative emotion.

i'm thankful for my growing awareness of Source's infinite Love for all that I Am.