can't sleep, must write!

it's been one of those nights.... i experienced so much stimulating interaction with people today that my thoughts are flying through my mind at a thousand miles an hour, and i want to go to sleep, but my thoughts are keeping me way too awake.

so i figured the best thing to do to slow them down and ease my mind would be to get them out of my head and into writing.

i had a long (and rather loud) conversation about sex tonight. i don't even remember how it started, but it ended up involving everyone at the party that i was at, and concluded with a guy accusing me of being a sexaholic. which is frustrating a little bit.... because i know that i'm not a sexaholic. i believe a sexaholic is someone who is so addicted to the physical sensations of sexual stimulation that they no longer derive pleasure from the activity, they just want to have the stimulation as often as possible, and it doesn't matter from whom they are receiving the stimulation. for me, it is the exact opposite. i have found that i have such a passionate interest in the topic of sex. not just having sex, but the subject itself... i love to talk about it, learn about it, read about it, think about it.... it's fascinating to me. everyone has a subject that is purely fascinating to them, and that they love talking about more than anything in the world. but because society has placed so much prude stigma around the subject of sex, then i must be a sexaholic if i'm talking about it so much. what a silly notion!

oh yeah, now i remember how the conversation started... i was suggesting that what this world needs is REAL sexual education. like, HOW to have sex, and how to be sexual and embrace your sexual beingness. it is natural for every single one of us to be sexual in everything we do. not that we are looking for orgasm in everything we do, but that from the very beginning we are deriving pleasure from our experience. and that sexually charged experiencing of life is trained out of us at an early age, because we are told that it is not normal. that normal people are reserved and jaded. we don't express joy for life, because if you do you're weird. you're even considered a loser if you have joy for life. if you enjoy frollicking, you are cast aside as a weirdo. and so we glean this from our environment, and then we embody the toned-down experience (the boring, lifeless, zombified experience of the day-to-day drone lifestyle). and we lose our sexuality. we lose our ability to truly enjoy the sexual experience, because we have lost our ability to derive pleasure from the tiniest sensation. we are desensitized in every sense of the word.

so i am not a sexaholic. no. i am a lifeaholic. i am an appreciationaholic. i am a pleasureaholic. and if that means i'm a sexaholic, then so be it! i love sex! alcoholics don't love alcohol. they consume it to forget the guilt they have for needing it in the first place. there is a different psychology going on here.

i love love love love LOVE SEX! and i have now come to understand that it must be one of my purposes here on this earth, to demonstrate sexual liberation, and spread it to others. in the future, i am sure i will be teaching young children about sex and how it is a beautiful and natural part of their existence. and i will be encouraging them to explore themselves, and even eachother. and i know that's quite radical in this day and age. but i don't care. jesus was quite radical in his day and age too. but luckily, things are speeding up so quickly that i won't have to wait 2000 years for people to start catching on to my message. it'll probably catch on within 50 to 60 years. and that's enough time to form an entire generation of sexually liberated young adults, who will be raising sexually liberated young children, and so on.

it is so strange... although i suppose it is only strange because i have been raised to believe that people my age shouldn't be having children.... but i want to have children. like, right now. i mean, i suppose not right this second, although yeah kinda. it's a feeling i've always had. i've always wanted to have the experience of being pregnant and raising a little one with ideals and understandings that i think are healthy and conducive to creating an independent human being. although, i always knew that "i'm way too young, there are things i want to do with my life, i could never raise a child right now, i wouldn't be able to handle it, it's too much of a responsibility, my life would take such a different direction, blah blah blah." and part of me still thinks that way, but there is a part of me that is growing quite rapidly that says "i know i would be an amazing mother, and i know that the experience of pregnancy and mothering would be so life changing and beneficial, and i would relish the entire experience and gain so much from it. i think i could do it now if it happened that way."

not to say i'm trying to get preggo today. i'm just saying, if it happened today, i would rejoice.

anyway. i think my mind has blown its load and i can go to sleep now.

love!

promoting my product :D

hey everybody, i know it's been a minute since my last update.

i'm here to promote my newest product: Illuminated Mag. it's my art/enlightenment 'zine, and i have hard copies on sale now! go here: http://www.etsy.com/shop/WhatAreTheOdds

all proceeds go to me creating more and more and more! thank you so much for supporting me by reading my stuff and investing in this project of mine :) one day, it will be a world-renowned magazine, and then i'll be so famous that you will be able to sell your original "vintage" copies for lots of $$$$$!

anyway, it's bedtime.

LOVE!

death

my dog died today. a very bittersweet occurrence. she was very old, and recently i started seeing that glimmer of young dog spirit in her eyes... i would let her off her leash and she would romp around the back yard all excited... but her body was too old, and only a minute or so of this kind of activity would throw her into an asthma attack.

so this morning, on my way to the bathroom upstairs, i heard her having an attack. i thought to her "Niki, why don't you just die? you won't have to go through this anymore..." and about half an hour later i heard my mom call my dad at work to tell him she'd gone. my heart leapt and i felt so thankful. and then i went downstairs and saw her body slumped over, foam dripping from her mouth, eyes still open... and i felt sad knowing that i wouldn't be able to play with her anymore.

but the truth is, we haven't been able to play with Niki for a while. her body had become so old and in pain that we couldn't even walk her for more than a block. we used to live in the country, and there she could run free and chase deer and explore. i think Niki died a few years ago really... when her body stopped getting the exercise and love that it needed to be healthy.

it's really been making me think about life. what am i doing? why do i spend so much of my time sedentary, looking at my facebook page or just wasting my time in general? why do we distract ourselves from our lives so much, instead of actually going out and experiencing things? we make excuses: oh, there's nothing to do in this town. let's just smoke pot and play video games and in the morning we'll go to our cubicles and file papers and text our friends about how bored we are.... then we'll come home and drink a beer, and watch a "reality" TV show. time for a cigarette break.

how is it that we have all become so disempowered?

is it that we've ignored Who We Are for so long that the weight of everything is so suffocating that we feel paralyzed by the weight of it all? i've been there. it nearly killed me. but if it's so much of an effort to be here, why not MAKE THE EFFORT? why not? what else is there? 80 years of boredom and unfulfillment? i'd rather die tomorrow than draw out the pain. that's why i was so thankful that Niki died today. It was heartbreaking to watch her be so bored and unable to do anything about it. i've been wanting her to die for months.

there are a lot worse things than death. boredom is one of them. unfulfilled potential is another. in fact, i think death will be an exciting experience. i think it would be exciting for anyone experiencing it. we find death so abhorrent because we don't know what it is. as far as we are concerned, life occurs in a linear fashion, and you start on your birthday and end on your deathday, and that's that. but if you look at the nature of this universe, that mode of thinking is illogical. this planet is in a constant state of recycling itself. things leave their bodies, and the bodies become food for the bottom-feeders (like worms and bacteria and flies). then, from the composted bodies sprouts new life in a new form. we humans, however, are attached to the image of things. we are so upset about certain species becoming extinct, but we are ignoring that new species are coming into existence all the time through the process of evolution. life is continuing and well-being abounds! "death" is a part of the whole process. without it, life would be miserable.

imagine how crowded this planet would be if nothing ever died? life wouldn't even be possible. it's absurd to even try to imagine it. mammals wouldn't exist if the dinosaurs hadn't become extinct. everything is always in a perfect state of balance and harmony. if you disagree with that statement, you're not looking hard enough.

that said, i'm going to live life the way i was always supposed to. the way i naturally knew how to when i was a kid. i want to go outside and feel the sun on my body. i want to smell the wind, full of pollen and chemicals. i want to take my clothes off and swim in a river. i want to walk on the rail-road tracks like a balance-beam as far as i can go. i want to roll down a hill and get grass in my hair and then get ice cream that will drip all over my clothes and make my fingers sticky.

what do you want to do?

moon

the moon is beautiful right now. perhaps it is because the moon is full that i have been feeling this weird energy for the past couple days.

i like the way it peeks through the silhouette of the tree outside my window. and then the window pane warps and echoes it in a sort of ghostly way.

the full spectrum

gosh i'm feeling ornery today.

but today, instead of feeling bad for being ornery... and trying to work my way out of it (ie push it out of myself)... i've decided to just sort of feel it, embrace it as a part of me, and observe how it affects my reality and the people around me. so far, i've only interacted with my mom while in this state... so i just told her straight up "i'm ornery, don't talk to me." and she was totally chill about it.

i think we need to be honest with ourselves. we make other people feel like they should feel bad when they are in a bad mood. obviously that only makes matters worse. if we could learn how to communicate when we're in a grumpy mood, and to tell people not to take it personally, that it's just where we're at... a lot of grief would be saved.

i kinda snapped at one of my bosses today. i get a sense that she is feeling more and more overwhelmed, and it's bleeding out into her relationships and her business... i want so much to tell her from an outside perspective what's going on with her, but every time i think about it, it becomes this battle of the ego in my head. i try to come at it from a positive angle, but the more the internal dialogue goes on, the more it becomes "you need to change this, and you need to do that, blah blah blah." then i had to sit down after work today and really wonder to myself why this vibration continues to show up in my reality. it's trying to tell me something. well i asked myself if i've been overbearing and imposing and control-freakish lately. and of course, i have. mostly to my mom. i have a tendency to cut her off when i disagree with her, and attempt to impose my point of view onto her. i now understand more fully how she is feeling when i do that.


i'm coming to understand more fully the notion that each of us contains the full spectrum of human potential. we all have the ability to be sad or angry or overbearing or intimidating, just as we also have the ability to be kind and compassionate and loving and creative and thankful. and everything in-between. we all have it. and when someone else shows it to us, and we push against it, in an attempt to disown it as "wrong," we become self-righteous and we turn into the very thing we are pushing against. so that's why i'm indulging in the ornery right now. i know it won't harm me, i'm just feeling it out. even just accepting it as a part of me and allowing it to exist is creating much more ease than when i try to fight with it. it's amazing. i love being a human. i love being a woman. i love having the ability to reason and contemplate and find understanding within myself. i love where i am. i love the learning experience of life. i love the growth. i love it.


so, thanks boss! i appreciate the growth and learning opportunity you've provided me with today! the universe is now more thanks to our contrasting interaction.

wooooh! ride that wave!


LOVE!

more new ground

it is amazing, the rate at which i am expanding in consciousness these days. i seriously have no idea what kind of place i'll be in next week, because i just may learn something truly profound about myself.

i've been learning about money in particular. i just discovered a dude named Dr. John Demartini. he's accumulated a wealth of knowledge in many areas over the past few decades, and he has a way of pulling examples from his knowledge bank and creating a tangible way of understanding the way things work in the physical world. i've spent the past few months learning about how the energy of it all works. now i'm making a nice segway into the practical application of it all. it's inspired me to understand my values, shift my attitude, and become empowered. i feel great!

here's an interview between him and a lovely woman named lilou mace.



i hope you appreciate his perspective as much as i do! i've already ordered 3 of his books and am looking forward to making profound changes in my life!

loving you all!

judgement

the fear of judgement and the habit of judging others are two sides of the same coin.

i had a big realization this weekend. it had been several months since i'd spent time with true friends; people with whom i can be completely myself. it hit me that the difference between my relationship with say, my boss, and my relationship with my best girlfriend is freedom of expression. now, i'm very blessed to have an awesome boss with whom i can be very friendly. i enjoy working with her because she is a beautiful person. however, in this relationship, certain things on my end must be curtailed in order to maintain the "professional" relationship. it basically boils down to a fear of being fired. and so there is this internal struggle going on with me all the time: did i say something i shouldn't have? should i have done it differently? should i be dressed this way? am i being inappropriate right now?

now that i notice it, the energetic difference is stark. with my friend, i can be, do, and say anything, and i know that she knows i am doing my own thing, and she is doing her own thing, and we love each other, and we inspire each other, and we grow and blossom in our interactions. it is fantastic! so refreshing! i can feel the fullness of my being flooding through me. and when i expressed this to her, in my excitement i apparently started glowing. like literally glowing in the dark!

it was then that i also realized that i am in my element when i am speaking to a group. but what had eventually snuck in to hinder me was the fear of judgement. in high school, enough incidents happened in which i felt that people were judging me, and i began to assume that everyone had these feelings about me (when really it was probably only a small few people who really had any problem with the way i am). i became very insecure and judgemental myself.

therein lies the key: judgement of others is a sort of defense mechanism. we feel judged, and so we look for the things in others that are just as bad or worse than what we feel we are being judged for. and we point them out, and we perhaps feel a little better about ourselves. but not really.

i have learned that the opposite is also true: when we praise another, and recognize their beauty and talent, and we bask in the glow they put out, we are really doing the same for ourselves. it is a healthier form of competition. we see something we like, and we say "hey i could do that. i am beautiful too! i have talents of my own! they may not be the same talents, but i have them and they are awesome! i can glow in that way! i know i can!" we become inspired to express ourselves in the fullness of our being.

and there is nothing like expressing so fully that you glow. it is the most fantastic internal rush of energy. i want to find more ways to be that full expression.

it is my wish for all of you to find your element. find that feeling place of full expression of pure potential. so much can bloom forth from that place. it is what it feels like to be a child again. like things are just beginning. like you've barely scraped the surface and already you've found so much gold you hardly know what to do with it.

this moment is pure potential.
this moment is within me.
the potential is within me.
i am the moment.
i am the potential.

LOVE!