can't sleep, must write!

it's been one of those nights.... i experienced so much stimulating interaction with people today that my thoughts are flying through my mind at a thousand miles an hour, and i want to go to sleep, but my thoughts are keeping me way too awake.

so i figured the best thing to do to slow them down and ease my mind would be to get them out of my head and into writing.

i had a long (and rather loud) conversation about sex tonight. i don't even remember how it started, but it ended up involving everyone at the party that i was at, and concluded with a guy accusing me of being a sexaholic. which is frustrating a little bit.... because i know that i'm not a sexaholic. i believe a sexaholic is someone who is so addicted to the physical sensations of sexual stimulation that they no longer derive pleasure from the activity, they just want to have the stimulation as often as possible, and it doesn't matter from whom they are receiving the stimulation. for me, it is the exact opposite. i have found that i have such a passionate interest in the topic of sex. not just having sex, but the subject itself... i love to talk about it, learn about it, read about it, think about it.... it's fascinating to me. everyone has a subject that is purely fascinating to them, and that they love talking about more than anything in the world. but because society has placed so much prude stigma around the subject of sex, then i must be a sexaholic if i'm talking about it so much. what a silly notion!

oh yeah, now i remember how the conversation started... i was suggesting that what this world needs is REAL sexual education. like, HOW to have sex, and how to be sexual and embrace your sexual beingness. it is natural for every single one of us to be sexual in everything we do. not that we are looking for orgasm in everything we do, but that from the very beginning we are deriving pleasure from our experience. and that sexually charged experiencing of life is trained out of us at an early age, because we are told that it is not normal. that normal people are reserved and jaded. we don't express joy for life, because if you do you're weird. you're even considered a loser if you have joy for life. if you enjoy frollicking, you are cast aside as a weirdo. and so we glean this from our environment, and then we embody the toned-down experience (the boring, lifeless, zombified experience of the day-to-day drone lifestyle). and we lose our sexuality. we lose our ability to truly enjoy the sexual experience, because we have lost our ability to derive pleasure from the tiniest sensation. we are desensitized in every sense of the word.

so i am not a sexaholic. no. i am a lifeaholic. i am an appreciationaholic. i am a pleasureaholic. and if that means i'm a sexaholic, then so be it! i love sex! alcoholics don't love alcohol. they consume it to forget the guilt they have for needing it in the first place. there is a different psychology going on here.

i love love love love LOVE SEX! and i have now come to understand that it must be one of my purposes here on this earth, to demonstrate sexual liberation, and spread it to others. in the future, i am sure i will be teaching young children about sex and how it is a beautiful and natural part of their existence. and i will be encouraging them to explore themselves, and even eachother. and i know that's quite radical in this day and age. but i don't care. jesus was quite radical in his day and age too. but luckily, things are speeding up so quickly that i won't have to wait 2000 years for people to start catching on to my message. it'll probably catch on within 50 to 60 years. and that's enough time to form an entire generation of sexually liberated young adults, who will be raising sexually liberated young children, and so on.

it is so strange... although i suppose it is only strange because i have been raised to believe that people my age shouldn't be having children.... but i want to have children. like, right now. i mean, i suppose not right this second, although yeah kinda. it's a feeling i've always had. i've always wanted to have the experience of being pregnant and raising a little one with ideals and understandings that i think are healthy and conducive to creating an independent human being. although, i always knew that "i'm way too young, there are things i want to do with my life, i could never raise a child right now, i wouldn't be able to handle it, it's too much of a responsibility, my life would take such a different direction, blah blah blah." and part of me still thinks that way, but there is a part of me that is growing quite rapidly that says "i know i would be an amazing mother, and i know that the experience of pregnancy and mothering would be so life changing and beneficial, and i would relish the entire experience and gain so much from it. i think i could do it now if it happened that way."

not to say i'm trying to get preggo today. i'm just saying, if it happened today, i would rejoice.

anyway. i think my mind has blown its load and i can go to sleep now.

love!