the phoenix burns herself alive.

the Phoenix burns. her Self: Alive.

the Phoenix burns herself to life

the phoenix burns herself a life

the phoenix burns herself alive.

the phoenix burns herself alive

it has been a while since i updated this blog... and much has happened and unfolded in my experience. the most prominent manifestation is a new relationship, which has proven to be an incredible catalyst for metamorphosis.

for as long as i can remember, i have been carrying some of the heaviest energy around with regards to relationships. longing, unworthiness, pain, and fear are just some descriptors that don't really begin to nail down the feelings i have carried. i don't know where or why i picked up these vibrations, but it's been a long and beautiful experience to uncover them and cast them into the Void from which they came.

every relationship i've had in the past has been fleeting and shallow for one main reason: the man i was with didn't understand the energy that i was carrying needed to be burned away. when the old and heavy emotions began to rise to the surface and be felt, they freaked out and ran away. i had to burn off a lot of that stuff on my own, and that was perfect. since beginning this new relationship, i've experienced an immense amount of emotional baggage being ripped through me. like a wildfire clearing out the old brush of a forest, to make way for new saplings and undergrowth, this new love roared through me and i could do nothing but break down and cry from pain and relief.

and what's best about this? he hasn't run away. he hasn't cringed. he hasn't taken it personally. he just smiles and tells me "i'm here to support you." and while i cry and cry, breaking apart layers and layers of old exoskeleton that has needed shedding for eons, he just witnesses so lovingly.

so while i am screamed at and reprimanded and warned by the bits of my mind that are attached to the exoskeleton, i will stand with love in the center of the metamorphosis and know that all is well, and know that man is exactly who i have asked for. he has already proven beyond the shadow of a doubt that he can handle me. and now all i can do is allow myself to burn. i will be resurrected, brighter and more glorious than i ever was before. and he will be there to witness me.

love.

complaining vs. appreciation

i am currently doing business in boston. i'm buying textbooks back from college students through a buy-back company. the first couple days were stressful, and i found myself feeling very complainy, which is not normal for me anymore. usually i catch myself pretty quick, but i found myself on a downward-spiral, and ended up venting to my friend about all the things i found wrong with this operation.

sometimes you need to get it out of you so you can look at it and decide if it's what you really want, you know?

so this morning, i woke up, and in that hazy half-dream-consciousness in the snoozes between alarm rings, i decided that today was going to be my day of appreciation. no more complaining.

and it was amazing!

first of all, i truly appreciate myself for recognizing this, and making an empowered choice to change my focus. and then actually doing it. and succeeding at it!

i spent hours waiting for folks to come by to sell me their textbooks, and i just watched people go by and listed things i appreciated about them just based on the few moments i saw them as they walked past me. at one point, when i was feeling really good from appreciating so much, a whole gaggle of high school track-running dudes ran by me while they were all laughing! it was perfect! i even made friends with our "competition," who happens to be set up right next to us. the girl running that show turned out to be really nice and we decided to join efforts and look out for each other. i like that a lot.

it was really like Abraham-Hicks says: when you know what you don't want, you automatically know what you do want. focus all of your attention on that, and you will begin to come back into alignment with Who You Are. in my case, it was as simple as knowing that i didn't want to complain anymore, because it really left a bad taste in my mouth, so to speak. so i turned all of my attention onto appreciating, and i felt amazing the whole day. the more i get used to these high vibrations, the faster i snap back into them if i start to dip down into lower vibrations and old habits. i'm really becoming aware. and i'm becoming aware more and more each day that i have so far to go... i have eternity to evolve, and i'm never going to get it done. it's ok to text the limits and explore and "forget" for a day or two, because it serves as a great affirmation of what i know to be True. during times when i start to doubt, i'll find myself in scenarios like i did yesterday, and i'll prove to myself that there is no doubt... i am creating my reality, and what i focus on generates what i attract, and it gets bigger and bigger the more energy i add to it. there is no doubt about that at all, i can see very clearly that this is what happened yesterday. i'm glad i did that and explored out on the rough and ragged edge, because now i feel my focus is more strongly on what is going right. and i am keeping a sharper eye out on my habits now than ever before, firmly planting my feet in the direction of appreciation instead of complaint.

i'm looking forward to tomorrow and the new appreciation adventure i will take!

love!

vibration

i'm not entirely sure what i came here to write, but here goes...

i'm realizing more and more that i am purely vibrational in nature. it's as if the physical reality i perceive is this blanket that lays over the vibrational reality that is invisible. and where there is a crease in the fabric, i know there is a vibration that needs smoothing. it's as though i just gained a new pair of eyes, but they don't see light. and i've gained a new pair of hands, but they don't mould clay. it's as though my very being stretches out beyond my skin and muscle and bone and out into eternity.

these are things i've heard before from others, and yes it's all very poetic. but i'm actually feeling it now. how interesting it is to be alive and focused in a physical body, yet very aware of the true Essence of Who I Am.

love.

Life and Death: A Love Story

usually i do my best to ignore most of the goings-on in the old world. i am focusing as much of my mental energy as i can on creating my new world. but in lieu of the recent death of Osama Bin Ladin, and how stirred-up everyone is over it, i think this is an appropriate time to put my thoughts into written form. it's really annoying to have my opinion floating around in my head without being expressed somewhere!

when i first found out about Bin Ladin's death, i was completely nonplussed. it's been such a long time since i even thought of that "reality" that it was pretty much old news to me.

then, all the opinions started flying on facebook. it was rather difficult to ignore an old reality that seemed to be seeping into mine. half of my friends spouted political hyperbabble, theorizing what this would mean to the rest of the world. the other half posted a viral MLK quote, which, as it turns out, is completely erroneous. but none of these opinions really resonated with me, and i didn't know why.

until i remembered.

there is no such thing as death.

energy is flowing, moving, shifting, transforming. but even physics will tell you that there is no beginning or end to an energy. what appears to be an end is really just a shift into a different form. the physical body that was once referred to as Osama Bin Ladin may not be animated of its own accord anymore, but the Spirit that experienced life through that body does exist, and has expanded as a result of the contrast lived. not only this, but the thought-form that Bin Ladin accumulated around himself still exists. fear, hatred, anger, and all of those vibrations still exist. and obviously you can't kill fear, hatred, and anger with guns or weapons or anything physical. really, trying to do so will only feed those vibrations and make them stronger, more prevalent.

Bin Ladin was like the canary in the coal mine. he embodied such an extreme form of low vibration that it brought forth that vibration that was hidden within us all. we even justified acting from that vibrational level by saying "he started it!"

the best thing any of us can do is feel the emotional response to the idea of Bin Ladin. stop telling the story of why he was wrong and we are right. stop telling the story of who he hurt and what went wrong, and blah blah blah. stop telling those stories and FEEL the emotion. feel it. don't label it as wrong. don't push it away. don't run from it. don't even talk about it. feel it and surrender to it. allow it to exist. because if we keep pushing against it, trying to eradicate all anger, fear, sadness, pain, and hatred, it's just going to grow angrier and sadder, more painful and more fearful.

those emotions are like children who have been deprived of love. they are literally throwing temper tantrums, BEGGING for love, and we are trying to shut them up by spanking them and sending them to their room with no dinner. how is this loving? how is this resolving anything? how does this make us righteous?

let us embrace all of Everything. God/Goddess/the Universe/The Field/Universal Intelligence/The Divine/Consciousness exists everywhere, in everything. that includes Osama Bin Ladin. that includes George W. Bush. that includes "our" side and "their" side. that includes the lion and the lamb. it is all one thing experiencing itself. we can judge "right" and "wrong" all we like, but it only separates us further and holds us back from fully recognizing our True Selves.

so that's my two cents. i'm letting go of it now.

love.

jack of speed

i have joined the local Roller Derby team in my town. it is so much fun! and i am super sore.

there's something very satisfying about being sore from exerting lots of physical energy doing something fun. tonight was my first practice, and i have been dubbed "Fresh Meat" for now. i like that :P

i had a mild epiphany during practice. i noticed i felt more stable the faster i was going, and it was easier to go around the bend without losing balance, because the momentum would keep me from falling. yes, going faster means that falling hurts more. but that's part of the game.

it's the same with life. when you get goin' at that really high, fast vibration, feeling really good and getting shit done... that feels great, and it is more stable. sure, if you let yourself get distracted, or you trip over some negative feeling, it will probably hurt worse than if you were plodding along at a steady rate of unhappiness, and then an unfortunate event presented itself to you... the latter would be like just another bump in the road.

but that's part of the game. you might get a few bruises. they'll heal. you just pick yourself up and keep on skating. at the end of the day, it is far more satisfying to be beaten-up and sore because you really played the game, than to feel comfortable and lazy, having never stretched your limits.

love!

clarity, clarity, and more clarity.

tonight has brought clarity. my heart communicates in such a beautiful way to me. the more i listen, and heed its message, the closer i feel to mySelf. i feel love and respect for myself every time i listen and communicate from the center of my Heart.

my true desire: the relationship. THE relationship. i'm ready to be ready for this. i'm no longer willing to wade around in the land of in-between. i'm either in a relationship or i'm not. i would rather be "single" and celibate than mess around with boys that i know aren't ready for me. i am perfectly okay with being single for a while. it's getting easier and easier, and it's allowed my relationship with Me to become deeper and more Loving. this is bound to manifest as an outer relationship that reflects such Love and understanding. i am learning how to communicate with myself. this is preparation for when i will be communicating with another.

shall i describe him for you? well, you see... he is a lot like me, just with different genitalia :} he and i both know Who We Are and Why We Came (God... to have fun creating a physical life experience!). our intentions are complimentary and harmonious with one another. travel, film, art, socializing, and lovemaking... all this and much more... these are things we love to fill our lives with. we have fun making our way through life moment to moment, creating new vignettes and scenes that delight us in every way. sitting outside a coffee shop in amsterdam, smoking a joint and appreciating the sunlight... eating a nutella/banana crepe on the square by the eiffel tower... listening to americana music at a tavern in texas.... sitting on a rooftop under a full moon while a party rages in the apartment below. these are moments i imagine sharing with him. he and i both know that we do not make each other happy... that we are each individually connected to the Flow, and nothing the other says or does has the power to disconnect us from that Flow. but we've both explored the Darkness enough to be able to encourage the other in case we forget for a moment Who We Are and Why We Came. there is nothing we can't do. when i see him, i get the same feeling that i get when i'm about to go on stage; heart pounding, "this is it!" mind racing but simultaneously blank, pure excitement and thrill and Knowing and passion. there is no doubt when i look into his eyes. it is as if i am looking at my own Self... and indeed i am, for we "two" are actually One Spirit manifest in two avatars. he is thinking of me now... wondering when we'll meet, and i do my best to send my love and encouragement to him via his Connection; "i love you, and i look forward to meeting you... seek comfort in the Arms of your own Soul, for i am also there, and there is where we can rendezvous."

thank god for all the relationships that have "failed" in my past. truly, i was shown possibilities and was able to recognize what i don't want. i don't want aloofness and miscommunication. i don't want doubt and confusion. i don't want to speak and not be heard. i don't want bad sex! i don't want wishy-washy in-between bullshit. i don't want apathy. i don't want discordant intentions about money, expansion, travel, creation, or anything else that is important. i don't want short-lived, bitter-sweet, dream-like blips of relationships. what do i want? i want clarity and honesty. i want openness and trust. i want to be heard. i want to hear. i want to be on the same page. i want passion and intensity and lusty and divine physical contact. i want harmony of intentions. i want a man who wants to be rich, who wants to travel with me ASAP, who wants to play and create and explore every day with me. i want amazing, cosmic, mind-blowing, beyond orgasmic sex! and i want it all to come in the most beautiful package i've ever seen in my life. and i want it to last for as long as i'm using this DNA as the blueprint for my physical avatar. and i get to have all of this! the Universe has lined up for me the perfect fit for all that i've asked for in my years and years of contrasting experience. the Universe knows even better than i do what i've asked for over all of these years, and has cooked up somebody so magnificent and so ready for what i'm ready for... well there just aren't words to describe the deliciousness of this relationship. i sure have cooked up something wonderful :)

anywho, it's good to finally put that down into words and solidify it a bit. i'm ready to be ready. Inner Being, make me ready! help me be ready for this, and put me in the right place at the right time (as You always do). and help me let go in the meantime. help me relax and allow myself to feel Love for him Now. and help me to remember that all the Love i feel comes from You, and that nobody can replace You as my Source of happiness and security, no matter how pretty they are. thank you.

love!