my true desire: the relationship. THE relationship. i'm ready to be ready for this. i'm no longer willing to wade around in the land of in-between. i'm either in a relationship or i'm not. i would rather be "single" and celibate than mess around with boys that i know aren't ready for me. i am perfectly okay with being single for a while. it's getting easier and easier, and it's allowed my relationship with Me to become deeper and more Loving. this is bound to manifest as an outer relationship that reflects such Love and understanding. i am learning how to communicate with myself. this is preparation for when i will be communicating with another.
shall i describe him for you? well, you see... he is a lot like me, just with different genitalia :} he and i both know Who We Are and Why We Came (God... to have fun creating a physical life experience!). our intentions are complimentary and harmonious with one another. travel, film, art, socializing, and lovemaking... all this and much more... these are things we love to fill our lives with. we have fun making our way through life moment to moment, creating new vignettes and scenes that delight us in every way. sitting outside a coffee shop in amsterdam, smoking a joint and appreciating the sunlight... eating a nutella/banana crepe on the square by the eiffel tower... listening to americana music at a tavern in texas.... sitting on a rooftop under a full moon while a party rages in the apartment below. these are moments i imagine sharing with him. he and i both know that we do not make each other happy... that we are each individually connected to the Flow, and nothing the other says or does has the power to disconnect us from that Flow. but we've both explored the Darkness enough to be able to encourage the other in case we forget for a moment Who We Are and Why We Came. there is nothing we can't do. when i see him, i get the same feeling that i get when i'm about to go on stage; heart pounding, "this is it!" mind racing but simultaneously blank, pure excitement and thrill and Knowing and passion. there is no doubt when i look into his eyes. it is as if i am looking at my own Self... and indeed i am, for we "two" are actually One Spirit manifest in two avatars. he is thinking of me now... wondering when we'll meet, and i do my best to send my love and encouragement to him via his Connection; "i love you, and i look forward to meeting you... seek comfort in the Arms of your own Soul, for i am also there, and there is where we can rendezvous."
thank god for all the relationships that have "failed" in my past. truly, i was shown possibilities and was able to recognize what i don't want. i don't want aloofness and miscommunication. i don't want doubt and confusion. i don't want to speak and not be heard. i don't want bad sex! i don't want wishy-washy in-between bullshit. i don't want apathy. i don't want discordant intentions about money, expansion, travel, creation, or anything else that is important. i don't want short-lived, bitter-sweet, dream-like blips of relationships. what do i want? i want clarity and honesty. i want openness and trust. i want to be heard. i want to hear. i want to be on the same page. i want passion and intensity and lusty and divine physical contact. i want harmony of intentions. i want a man who wants to be rich, who wants to travel with me ASAP, who wants to play and create and explore every day with me. i want amazing, cosmic, mind-blowing, beyond orgasmic sex! and i want it all to come in the most beautiful package i've ever seen in my life. and i want it to last for as long as i'm using this DNA as the blueprint for my physical avatar. and i get to have all of this! the Universe has lined up for me the perfect fit for all that i've asked for in my years and years of contrasting experience. the Universe knows even better than i do what i've asked for over all of these years, and has cooked up somebody so magnificent and so ready for what i'm ready for... well there just aren't words to describe the deliciousness of this relationship. i sure have cooked up something wonderful :)
anywho, it's good to finally put that down into words and solidify it a bit. i'm ready to be ready. Inner Being, make me ready! help me be ready for this, and put me in the right place at the right time (as You always do). and help me let go in the meantime. help me relax and allow myself to feel Love for him Now. and help me to remember that all the Love i feel comes from You, and that nobody can replace You as my Source of happiness and security, no matter how pretty they are. thank you.
love!
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