Valuable

Something has finally clicked for me in a big way, and since I haven't written in a while I think it is appropriate to reintroduce myself as the new creature that I am.

Since January, many things have changed in my life.  I moved to a new town, in an apartment of my own.  I've been working and taking my acting classes and creating and loving.  I've been having movie nights every week, and I've been making new friends, and deepening the friendships I already had.  I quit facebook and dove deeper into myself.  My relationship with God became more real, and I'm finding my life becoming easier and more enjoyable every day.  My happiness has increased, my money is flowing more freely, and I sleep really well every night.

But the most important thing that has just unfolded within the last week is my worthiness.  Today I discovered I'm worth something.  Not just something, but everything.  I am worth the entire Universe.  The whole thing.  Not just a little slice of it, or a corner, or a box full.  I am worth all of everything.

I quit my job today.  During the month and a half that I worked there, it was made very clear to me that I was considered replaceable.  I didn't quite put my finger on it that way until today though, and once I did, the choice to leave was easy.  Let me tell you right now:  I am really fucking good at what I do.  It doesn't even matter what it is I'm doing, give me some time to learn it, memorize it, practice it and I will rock that shit.  And I was just getting to the point where I was rocking the shit out of that job.  But it became apparent to me that my job didn't care as much about pleasing me as I did about pleasing it.  Every time I thought I'd succeeded particularly well, the feedback I got was that it wasn't good enough. It could always be better.  You stupid idiot, why didn't you do it this way?

But I understand something now, or at least I'm beginning to see it this way;  all of that feedback was my own internal dialogue just playing on a record for me to hear.  And now that I hear it, I want to rail against it!  "I'm better than you even understand, you fools!  I fucking rock, and you can't even see it!  Fuck this shit, I deserve to be appreciated for what I'm bringing to the table, because believe me, I am bringing a hell of a lot more than you can even see.  You don't even know what you're losing."  This new inner dialogue is me gaining power.  It's not that I need anyone at my job to validate me.  I just need to own it enough to recognize that I deserve so much more than I've allowed myself to believe or accept.  I have been settling for what I thought I could scrounge up, making do and resenting it the whole time.  But I deserve a life that rocks in every fucking possible way!  I deserve a kickass boyfriend and a fun-filled day every day I'm alive.  I deserve to laugh loudly everywhere I go.  I deserve the freedom to be my loud, brazen, obnoxious and lovable self all day every day.  I deserve to be rich and famous, and I deserve to enjoy the physical pleasures that life brings in abundance.  I deserve these things, and nothing those shitheads (hehe) say matters or affects that one bit because they just don't know.  They're feeling like shit because they don't know about themselves what I now know about me.  They have no idea how fun and wonderful it could be if they just made that choice.  They think they've been forced into a shitty life with shitty circumstances and that there is no way out of the shit that's around them because everything is just shit.  Well that's just bullshit and I refuse to believe it!

Life is grandeur and pleasure and fun.  Life is laughing and playing and singing and sleeping.  Life is getting sunburned while napping in a cemetery.  Life is watching a plant grow.  Life is breathing in the spring breeze through a window while the heater whispers sweet nothings.  Life is working at a shitty taco bar and realizing your own self worth and taking that shit and running with it.  I am going far, people.  You heard it here first.  I am going places and you are all invited to come with me.  This world would not be the same without me, and I know you all know it.  Let's all decide to own that about ourselves.  Fuck what anyone else thinks or told us in the past.  We are kickass and all the Debbie Downers can suck our dicks!

Fuck yeah!

Love,
Phoenix

first post of the new year

It's been a while since I sat down and just wrote.  A lot has been unfolding, inside and out.  I was hibernating for several weeks, as has become traditional for me over the last few winters.  I succumbed to it, and even enjoyed it for the most part.  The low energy, lots of sleeping, very little exercise... it was an indulgence for a while, but eventually I began to grow restless.  That's when I knew I needed to start living again.

So I got a job in a new town, and have lined up an apartment there.  It's a cute little place that I really look forward to decorating and living in.  I've never lived out on my own before, and the melange of emotions tumbling through my body is fascinating.  Excitement mixed with sadness, anxiety, determination, focus, and the tiniest bit of uncertainty.  This is probably the best state of being that could possibly be.  I'm on the brink of new things, and I am loving this.

I can feel that it's all working out for me, so even in moments when I get frustrated or worried, I find it easy to step back and let go and trust the unfolding of all the Good.  It's all worked out so far, even in the times when I've doubted it.  Everything eventually worked out for me, so now I figure I might as well enjoy waiting for it to work out rather than worry and freak out about the timing of it all.

I used to say things like this to try and convince myself that they're true.  Nowadays, I don't really think about trying to be "right" or "positive" or whatever.  I'm just saying "Yes" to everything that comes my way, and "fuck it" to the things I'm worried about.  I guess this is why I haven't been writing much lately.  There's nothing I feel like I need to "teach" or share because I know everyone will figure it all out on their own.  I did.  And I think it's best to do it that way, because then we have our own individual experience and connection to Life, rather than a pre-digested formula for how to live.  Me, I prefer to just go balls to the wall, fuck up royally, and learn from it, then go at it from a different angle the next time.  Or the same one again until I get the point.

Needless to say, I'm having lots more fun being free like this than I was before when I tried to keep all those rules in mind.  You know, those rules you're supposed to follow if you're trying to be "spiritual."  They're bullshit rules, and I have decided to break them all just for the fun of it.  I'll do things my way, thank you very much.

Love,
Phoenix

Exceeding Capacity

Today I decided to just be attached.  I've been resisting this attachment I feel for this man in my life... he's not even in my life, it's mostly the idea of him that I am attached to.  I have been arguing with myself, trying to convince my mind that I need to stop being attached to him, to let go of him, to focus on my acting.  But it only makes the attachment stronger and more distracting.  So I am going to just be attached.

I don't know where it will go.  I have strong doubts as to its romantic unfolding.  He has made it pretty clear to me that he is not interested.  So why am I attached?  Why do I continue to hope that some day we might get together?  I continue to rationalize why I should hold out and keep this door open.  Maybe he'll evolve and I'll evolve and we'll find that we are the perfect pair!  Maybe the things that frustrate me about him are actually good for me and my growth.  Maybe we'll be ready for each other at the same time, and now is just not that time.  These are all things that have been clouding my mind lately and I can't see through them.  It's an incredibly heavy weight, and I no longer desire to carry it.

So I'm just going to feel.  I'm going to feel this burden and I'm going to give it to my Dream to sort out. I just want to let it go and I feel like I am struggling against it.  But I created it, so by struggling against it, I am feeding it my own energy.

I'll let it go now.

So much is happening.  I feel overwhelmed by this burdensome weight of desire for relationship.  I don't have the capacity for this right now.  I have things I need to do!  Panic!

AAAAAAAHHHH!!!

Life!

I love it all though, despite the dramatic interpretation of what's going on within me, I am enjoying becoming more aware of myself, transforming into the actress I have longed to become, and receiving all the bounty that life has to offer.  There is always more goodness coming, always more letting go to be done, always more to let in.  All is well, regardless of appearances.

Love,
Phoenix

P.S.  Happy Scorpio season everyone!  May you be transformed by sex, death, and everything in between!  

God, I need help getting back on track.

It seem like no matter how many times I directly experience my intuition telling me "No, this isn't for you, let it go and let something else come in," I continue to try and manipulate things into being what I think I want them to be.  And I manipulate myself into believing that it's possible for my intuition to be wrong.

NEWSFLASH!  My intuition has NEVER been wrong.

EVERY time I have tried to push something into existence, it has backfired.  EVERY time I have tried to be with a man who wasn't right for me, I have been heartbroken.  EVERY time I have gone against myself, listened to my mind instead of my heart, and ignored my own Truth and Desire, I have been miserable.  This feeling of drag, exhaustion, low vibration is telling me that I am going the wrong way! It is telling me that I am focusing in the wrong direction.  I am ignoring my True Self and Her desires.

I am ignoring my Dream.

I want to recommit to my Dream.  The urge for sex is so powerful and it is weighing me down.  This vibrational habit I have created around sex is sapping my energy and distracting me from my Dream.  All I can do is feel.

There is a lot of power here that I have not been flowing.  Once I let go and open up and allow this energy to fill me and give me Life, I will feel much better and I will gain a lot of altitude and speed.  It's ok that I am where I am.  I know where I am based on how I feel.  Where I am is not wrong, and I can get to where I want to be from here.  I know this.  But for now, I must be here and just experience this.

I'll be feeling better in no time.

Love,
Phoenix

A Big Juicy Fly

Hello everyone, and welcome to my new paradigm!  Things are shifting rapidly, and it excites me to tell you about my adventure last night.

So this summer, I went to Bonnaroo.  It was awesome, I got to see all the bands I wanted to see.  One of the shows I witnessed was Alice Cooper.  It was immediately after Red Hot Chili Peppers played.  I had been working all day as a volunteer.  I had been volunteering at the handicap platform in the center of the audience for RHCP, so I got to see the whole show from the best seats in the house.  But it was exhausting, and by the time I saw Alice, I was pooped.  I only watched about 20 minutes of the show before my exhaustion and hunger let me back to my camp.  Looking back on it recently, I felt a twinge of regret that I didn't get to enjoy such a legend.  My sister, who was 18 at the time, said she had the best time of her life when Alice played Eighteen.  I was jealous.

But I let it go, and I figured I'd eventually have my chance to see him again.

So a few days ago, a friend I had made through Divine Openings (divineopenings.com) told me she would be coming upstate to see Alice Cooper, and wondered if I would like to join her.  She had an extra ticket!  I immediately agreed, and we made plans for me to pick her up from the bus station and take her to the show.

(Another detail to note is that, this weekend I had agreed to house sit for a friend of mine starting last night.  But she ended up telling me that she wasn't feeling well and wouldn't be leaving for the weekend after all)

So I picked her up and we had a great time talking, getting lost on the wrong highway, and discovering each other.  We had never met before, so it was fun!  But the craziest part was when she told me she was actually friends with one of the band members, and was on the guest list.  These weren't just tickets, they were VIP backstage passes and seats in the front section!  I had no idea!  I thought we were going to be up in the nosebleed sections of some arena-type setting, but it turned out to be a very small venue, and we were up close, about 15 feet from the stage.

At the end of the show, she brought me to the side and told me they would come out and usher us in to meet Alice and the band.  By this time, I had opened myself enough to allow that initial giddiness I felt when she first told me we might meet the band, to become confidence and collected excitement.

In walks her friend, the lead guitarist Ryan Roxie!  Totally decked out in badassitude, and casually sipping on a glass of $300 wine and basking in the afterglow of a successfully kickass concert.  We chatted, he offered me a sip of wine to show me that it wasn't really great wine after all, regardless of the price tag, and he invited us to hang out with him and the rest of the band as they celebrated their first show of the tour being a success.  I met Alice and got my picture with him, and I told him I would be meeting him again when I'm famous.  He said "Great!  I'll open for you!" which tickled me.

Suddenly we are in the band's dressing room, eating their snacks and drinking their coconut water.  Ryan is offering us cocktails.  And the next thing we know, we are on a VIP adventure through the halls of the casino, greeting fans and party-hopping.  An incredible moment of realization hit me as I walked into a club, escorted by the host to a small private section above the rest of the crowd.  It was like I was in my own movie!  I had imagined this a million times.  Hanging out in clubs and lounging in VIP sections with a small group of friends, being treated with utmost hospitality and privilege.

I created this!

Yet all the while, I felt this calm sense of knowing.  Of course I'm hanging out with rock stars.  I knew I was headed in this direction.  I felt completely comfortable with myself, and I felt absolutely appreciated and respected by every one of the band members.  This was a powerful and exciting way of my Dream acknowledging that Greatness is coming.  This was a deliciously tantalizing taste of what is in store for me.  It is fuel on my fire, and it is evidence that my capacity for these experiences has expanded.  Once, I saw Whoopi Goldberg in a grocery store and I was so star struck that I cried!  I didn't even meet her because I was too overwhelmed by it!  But this was completely different.  I didn't feel star struck at all.  I felt excited to be meeting such amazing and legendary artists, but I could feel that I have as much to offer of myself as they do.  I was actually getting into my real tribe.

People living their dreams passionately.  People expecting greatness of themselves, and offering it.  People pursuing greater expressions of their art and personality.  These are the kinds of people I want to be surrounded by.  Yes the glam and glitz of it all is delightful, but what really excites me is the chance to connect with people who are really making their mark on the world.  Because I fully intend to be one of those people.

A scene from Aladdin (my favorite Disney movie!) comes to mind, when Aladdin is fighting Jafar in the end and Jafar hits Magic Carpet with his magic and says "Things are unraveling fast now, boy!" and Carpet unravels and falls to the ground, a pile of threads and tassles.  My life feels right now like the opposite of that, when Aladdin breaks Jafar's spell and Carpet is magically re-woven.  Things are coming together quickly and assuredly, and I am excited and steady at the same time.  I feel the determination of my Dream making Herself real through me.  I trust Her and I feel supported by her.  I have the strongest sense of security I have ever had in my life, and I am truly thankful.

Love,
Phoenix 

Shall I Compare Thee to a Midsummer Night's Dream?

It is fantastic to be falling so passionately in love with my own Dream.  She is no longer a thing I have to chase after.  She is a living, breathing creature who is moving me and lighting me on fire every chance she gets.  I have to know her.  I have to commune with her.  She has taken over my life.

She has me whipped.

Anything and anyone that doesn't fit into my Dream's unfoldment will be tossed from my life like a bug on the wind.  Indeed, anyone whose presence will catalyze Dream's swift manifestation must be drawn to me immediately, and in perfect timing.

I am allowing Dream to tilt my sails and catch the cosmic winds that will take me swiftly in the direction of Her home.

I realized that any partner I choose to take must also be in love with their Dream.  And since they are a part of my Dream, and I am a part of theirs, we must fall in love through our own Dreams.  Indeed, we must already be in love with our own Dreams if we are to see each other for who we are to each other:  aspects of our own Dream.

When two people whose Dreams match come together... holy shit... I can only imagine the incredible power to create that those two would hold.  I look forward to experiencing this firsthand.  But the funny thing is, right now I don't feel any kind of longing for a relationship, or any of the benefits that may come with it.  I only feel love and excitement for my Dream, and I feel Her Presence with me, giggling and encouraging me and loving on me as I sit here and write about Her.

One day this passion is going to over flow, and Dream will have no choice but to present someone I can take it out on!  That will be an exciting day.

I love you, Dream.

Love,
Phoenix

The Stuff of Dreams

As a recovering atheist, it hasn't been easy forming a trusting relationship with "God" or "The Universe" or "Life" or whatever you want to call that intelligence that governs the motions of the Cosmos.  My God has taken many forms in my mind's eye, but none of them were there for very long, and they were always rather distant.  Frankly, they felt like imaginary friends, and I never had imaginary friends, even when I was a child.  I didn't even really have stuffed animals who had personalities.  I just saw them as things, never as surrogate friends.

There are probably many factors that played into my finding it difficult to get close to God.  It really isn't easy to convince yourself of something that really just appears to be you talking to yourself.

But recently, something has shifted in my perspective.  For the last few years, I've been reading and growing and listening to teachers like Abraham Hicks and Lola Jones, and they all tell me that I am a Divine Creator who is worthy of all the dreams and physical manifestations and happiness that I want.  I believe this, but trusting it is another thing, because the teachers all talk about God or Source being the provider.  But if you've had a hard time believing in and trusting that there is a God there, who is paying attention to you and caring about every little desire you have, then how are you supposed to let go and allow those things in?

This is how I'd been feeling about it all, until recently.  A couple of weeks ago, I made a big shift.  I committed myself to pursuing my dream of being a great actress.  I knew it was important to me, but I hadn't quite made that commitment.  I was still going around looking for ways to make money, thinking it would take some time before my dream became reality and could benefit me financially.  But one night, when a conflict came up between an opportunity to make some quick cash and my final day of shooting for the film I had been working on, the obvious choice was to prioritize acting.  More money will always come along.  Acting is what sings to my heart and makes me feel on top of the world, more than anything else.

And that's when it clicked.  It really crystalized.  And I made that commitment then and there.  It's time to make this my life.

And I realized that that's what God is.  It comes to us all in different forms and translations.  We are all unique and have individualized desires and perspectives, and it colors the way we are going to see the world.  Our dreams speak to us in our own personal language.  My dream has literally become my God.  And I trust Her to provide for me, because She already has.

The beautiful thing is that I can feel Her here with me, all the time.  There are moments when I am more aware of Her, but She is no longer absent.  It's actually quite wonderful, because I know that my Dream unfolding is occurring perfectly, regardless of physical appearances.

I was experiencing some frustration and doubt today, mostly in response to my sprained ankle.  I know that I am being forced (gently, but firmly) to be still, slow down, take it easy, get out of the way, and allow the moment to be what it is.  But of course I still get frustrated at not being able to walk outside and enjoy the sunshine and run around and do the things I want (or think I need) to do.  And, knowing that I create my reality, I went through some internal conflict about how I created this, and how wrong it is that I did that.  Obviously the low emotions I experienced were telling me how off my thinking was.  But that's what I experienced.  And I listened to my Dream and She told me that I was doing fine, that this is all part of the process of unfolding now, and there is nothing wrong that has happened.  Nothing will stop Her from pouring forth from me.  Not even my own misguided choices, doubts, words, or actions.  My Dream will be made manifest.  Period.  It must now.  There is no way I can go on living if It doesn't.

It's amazing how quickly validation comes now.  Tonight in class, I had one of the best exercises I have had this semester.  I could feel how present I was on stage, and it was amazing to be so honed-in.  My teacher was proud of me and told me it was great.  But what was truly wonderful was that, during the break after that exercise, a woman who was a visiting alum of the workshop told me that she had seen me progress and said that I had come so far.  It was wonderful to receive that validation.  It was really my Dream coming through to tell me from the "outside" that I am on the right track, and that It's all ok.

My point in all of this is, since it may be hard for some to believe in "God," choose to believe in your Dreams instead.  They are there, and you know they are.  Nobody will deny that dreams exist, and are what create our lives (if we let them).  Every person on the planet has a Dream, and it wants to be Lived!  It wants so much to be experienced and relished by its Dreamer.  And the magnificent thing is, the Dream, once committed to, will use the entire Universe to prove its love to you.  It will bring to you every available resource that can help you experience Its Unfolding.  It loves itself through you and it selfishly demands you to live It out!  Once you decide to commit, it will be there to support you immediately, for it has already committed to serving you.

I read a quote today by Christopher Reeves:  

“So many of our dreams at first seem impossible, then they seem improbable, and then when we summon the will, they soon become inevitable.”

This was exactly how I experienced my dream of being an actress.  About the same time as I decided that God couldn't possibly exist (after all, weren't his believers a bunch of right-wing whack-jobs who supported war and hated gays and all that jazz?  Didn't the very word "God" stand for hatred and injustice and everything else wrong with the world?  Ah the ferocious mind of a 16 year old!), I started really doubting my abilities as an actress.  I wasn't getting good roles in the plays our high school put on (auditions still make me nervous!), and by the end of high school I wasn't getting any roles at all!  "Well, I guess I must not be as good as I thought I was.  Never mind."  And I parted ways with my childhood dream, and went to college not knowing at all what I wanted to do.  All the while I saw friends of mine passionately pursuing their art and music, and yes even acting.  And it anguished me, because without an art form to be passionate about, I felt lost at sea.  Of course, the entire time, my heart longed for my Dream, and my Dream called to me so softly and I dared not listen to it. 

I didn't acknowledge my truest desire to be a great actress again until 2011.  After probably 4 or 5 years of hiatus from any kind of acting or performance (aside from a really bad acting class I took in college), I landed a role in a community theatre performance.  As I stood backstage, preparing for my entrance on opening night, I felt like my heart was going to leap out of my chest, flop across the stage, and land in the lap of some unfortunate soul in the front row.  And in that moment, I knew there was nothing else on this planet that made me feel so alive.  That night, my Dream was reawakened.  But it has taken me nearly two years to fully commit and trust in my Dream and Her ability to support me, not only in my realizing of the Dream itself, but also financially and physically.  

It doesn't matter what your dream is.  It doesn't matter if it's grandiose or simple.  That Dream wants to live through you, and it will make every effort to call to you, tempt you, make itself irresistible to you until you pay attention to it and decide that it means more to you than money or sex or anything.  And on the day you decide to commit yourself to your Dream, that day you will know you are so deeply and intimately Loved by the most powerful force in all the Universe.  That's what God is.  

God is the greatest Dream that (wo)man could ever have.  And (wo)man is God's greatest dream of Herself, played out into this strange and beautiful creation we call Planet Earth.

Love,

Phoenix