on the crest of an expanding wave

i am feeling an increasing awareness of the presence of my Source. it pervades all moments and makes me feel like, through it, i am reaching out into infinite directions and touching everything and everyone. it feels good.

today, as i walked my dog, we came across a conflict. a group of GLBT students surrounded a man who was holding up a large sign with some bible quotes on it. he was arguing that only through Christ can one find salvation, that homosexuality is a sin, etc. the GLBT students were of course outraged. as i approached, i felt my heart rate become more intense. i participated by saying that i thought it was beautiful that we all have the freedom to choose our own perspectives. eventually they all decided to ignore him, which i though was a lovely idea. i left at that point, but as i walked home i couldn't help but ponder the energy of what had occurred.

i delighted in the contrast of it! i found it exciting, and as i came away from it i recognized that my Inner Being had delighted in it as well, because from it had been created something new and expanded. and the same went for the Inner Being of every single participant in the conflict. each of them was asking for something, and Source has become it for all of them. were they to let go and know that All Is Well, they would receive what they asked for immediately. as i walked away, i did just that, and i rode the wave of expansion almost as it was happening. what a thrill!

it feels good to feel good. it is so good to know that i am always surrounded by Love. that i am always safe and secure and taken care of. it feels good to see my life through the eyes of Source. it feels good to feel the presence of Source right there with me, on the leading edge, experiencing what i experience, sharing my life with me. it is truly the greatest Partnership i could ask for :)

love,
phoenix

flowing ideas

it's been a while since i've written, and i feel like a lot has been happening internally this entire year and i haven't really shared much of it. mostly because i'm not quite sure how to put it into words. but often i find that writing clears my mindspace. it's as if the words are jumbled up in my head, floating around and wanting to be expressed in some way, and when i finally put them down on paper (or a screen), they are transported out of my awareness so i no longer need to listen to them jabbering at me.

so i have this homework assignment. oh yeah, did i tell you? i'm back in school! yay! i'm going for Digital Cinema, which is exciting! filmmaking is something i've always wanted to do, and this feels so good to be doing this... to have something tangible to flow my action/creative energy towards. so my homework that i am supposed to be getting done for class tomorrow is simple in theory, but i'm not sure how to go about it. i have to create a story board to accompany a poem that i will be visually interpreting on camera. the poem should not be acted out or directly interpreted, but should leave some mystery and intrigue in the way it is portrayed in the short video. my struggle is that, i am using the poem i wrote last year called "I Am The Summer." (http://treasuresfromthedeep.blogspot.com/2010/08/i-am-summer.html)

the problem, the solution of which i intend to receive, is that the poem is already very blatantly visual. every line is describing a literal object or scenario. the meaning behind the poem is that god/spirit/consciousness/The Movie resides in each and every moment... in every single aspect of every moment... as if it has all been directed and choreographed to be there, in perfect timing and synchronicity. as if it IS a film that we are all playing our part in. so how can i play that idea into a visual expression as the film is being read aloud over the screen shots?

what if i made it about a girl? and you could never quite glimpse her in her entirety, but from what you could catch she seemed beautiful and magical... and then in the final scene, you see her weeping, face-down on the grass, hair covering her head and arms... oooh images are flowing now!

so in the first scene, she is lying in the grass, and there is an extreme close-up, blurred image of her hair on the grass, and a butterfly goes by... and the image slowly comes into focus.

next scene, the girl is seen through the leaves of bushes and trees, running. playing.

next scene, just the girl's hand and arm are seen as she goes around a tree, her hand brushing against the bark.

next: the camera follows a leaf as it flutters down and lands near or on the girl (never seeing her face), who is lying in the grass.... the shot widens and we see....:

next shot: shot widens to find the girl is face-down on the grass, weeping, the leaf clutched in her hand.

ok i'm ready for bed now :D

Dollhouse

i just spent the majority of this weekend watching the TV mini-series "Dollhouse."

what an intense experience.

returning to my "real" life, i find my internal world chaotic and strange to me. it is amazing that a visual story (a movie or a tv show) can evoke such a powerful vibrational effect on a person. i was completely absorbed into the show... i HAD to find out what happened next. i HAD to see it through to the end, even though so much of the show made me feel emotional discomfort and agitation.

i imagine that is how Source feels before entering a physical body. no matter how agitating and uncomfortable some of the physical experiences may be, there is an intrigue that is intoxicating and addictive. the EXPERIENCE is so thrilling, to be feeling so much color and life and diversity of emotion and thought and idea.

i am so glad i watched the entirety of the show. thank god it was only 2 series, or i would have locked myself in my room for days until i finished it!

i'm going to school these days, and i am intending to major in Digital Cinema at the community college i attend. it's amazing how easily that is unfolding for me. i am taking Screenwriting, Intro to Field Production, and Drawing 1. this is perfect for me. it is getting me in the mindset of filmmaking. it is giving me the knowledge and understanding i need in order to make this my career. i am feeling encouraged and supported along this path, and i know that it is taking me in exactly the direction i want to go! there is no need for me to "make" anything happen, because i have this deep, pervasive sensation that everything in that department has already been created and is unfolding perfectly for me and all i am doing is going along for the ride and absorbing information, gaining new perspective.

i am beginning to gain the sense that, if i feel this way about my career path and it is unfolding so easily, then the other aspects of my life that i have been asking for and creating for so long (romantic relationships in particular) are unfolding in the same way and i can just let go and go for the ride.

with school... i had to take a break. after freshman year, i had to leave, because i knew i wasn't doing what i loved, but i wasn't able to recognize and accept and acknowledge that doing what i really love IS possible. it took me 2 years to finally come to the realization that i HAD to be filmmaking, or i would never be happy. it's what i've wanted to do my entire life, since before i could put it into words. i have always wanted to be an actress and i have always wanted to make films. these desires are Divine Inspiration. they are what cause Life Force to flood my very existence.

so perhaps the same goes for romance. taking a break is something i've said i wanted to do, but whenever i do, something or somebody comes in to change my mind. i guess i need to get clear on what i really want and just focus on that and know it is already created for me... the path is laid out. now i just need to be okay with not being "there" today, knowing that i will be eventually.

love.

God is in the Puke

recently i began working as a bartender at a local bar. it's a great job! i make a lot of money on a steady basis, and i'm basically facilitating the good times of everyone who comes in.

last night, however, i had my first puke cleanup.

i was thoroughly grossed-out by the idea of having to do this task, and was putting it off, hoping someone else would pick up the job for me. but i went into the kitchen to put in a load of dishes, and as i was coming out, this phrase came into my mind:

"God is in the puke."

i instantly cracked up, and my resistance to the nasty cleaning job lifted. i put on some rubber gloves and cleaned up that puke like it was nobody's business.

sometimes life just presents itself, and whether we like it or not, we are experiencing it. but it is all the same Stuff. it is all coming from the same Source. it is all coming from and going back to Love.

the best way to feel good about all of it is to remember that it's all Go(o)d.

yes, even puke is part of God.

love,

the phoenix

the Heart's embrace of the entire Universe

this last week, my vibration has sped up so much that i am currently riding on a high and exciting wave of love and appreciation!

and i did this!

i remembered the importance of feeling uncomfortable emotions, and i began asking the emotions what the story was that was creating the feeling. then i recognized that, because the emotion felt uncomfortable, it meant that the story was pointed in the opposite direction of Source. i began gently guiding my story back towards Source.

gradually, my mood began to shift! i've also been listening to Abraham Hicks again, and it is amazing how uplifted and soothed i am by Esther's voice as she speaks as Abraham. i am immediately reminded of my power and the love that surrounds me.

so today i began in hope and optimism, and i recognized it and i just appreciated myself for being there. i stabilized there for a little while, and then i began creeping up the emotional scale. i got myself an iced coffee and chatted with my friend who works at the shop i got it from. it was delicious (i LOVE black iced coffee, and haven't had a cup in a few weeks). then i went to the YMCA (getting a membership there was the best choice i could make for myself) for my first day of kickboxing class! it was so much fun, and i really worked my body hard! it was great. then, immediately afterward, i got to do yoga with my friend who teaches the class. i thought i was going to miss yoga today because the class i usually go to was at the same time as kickboxing, but then i saw my friend walk in and i was like "OMG yoga today?!" and so physically i feel great. then after that, i went to my special tree friend and rampaged so much appreciation all over myself and my life.

then tonight i was texting my friend, and he told me he was feeling a little hungover. so i offered to send him some healing/soothing energy. he agreed, and as i was sending it, i just felt my heart open so wide. it felt amazing. but then i started thinking about some uncomfortable moments and interactions i had had recently that had been bothering me a little bit, and i was still feeling my heart incredibly wide open, and i felt like my heart grew arms and pulled into its loving embrace all of the people i had tried to "push out" of my experience. it felt so good. it still feels good.

it made me realize that that must be what causes friction between people... we "push out" an aspect of ourselves that we have decided isn't worthy of love, and then we see it in other people and we get angry with them or feel hurt by them or judge them in some way. and simultaneously we express in an out-of-balance way that same aspect of ourselves. but the universe consists of everything, and all of it is "worthy" of love! worthiness isn't even a question, because it all IS love and there is no judgement of where the love should go. there is nowhere for it to go, it just is. there is nowhere it cannot be. and so, by embracing these aspects of ourselves, represented by others who have "harmed us," we acknowledge that "i am all of this universe, and i am completely lovable and loved. i love mySelf completely!"

eeeeeee! i feel so good right now! it is so fantastic to be alive!

LOVE!
the phoenix

quiet Power

you know you've reached a place of Powerful allowing when, in the midst of emotional turmoil, the quiet voice of Reason rings like a clear, high bell over the din of fear and anguish.

The Orchestra

my love for myself has flourished and blossomed so gently and sweetly. now, when an emotion comes up that feels sad or angry or upsetting in some way, i am able to find the source of Love benieth it, and appreciate myself for it.

every emotional response comes from Love, even if it doesn't appear to be Love in the moment of its expression. it always comes from a deep source of Love.

for example, my most recent emotional experiences have been with regards to relationships and romantic love. i've felt a lot of aching, longing, grieving, sadness. it's a feeling most of us have encountered, because it is such a pervasive collective vibration on this planet. it comes from a deep, deep desire to share profound love and bliss with another. this is a beautiful desire (indeed it is the core of every aspect of Creation), and it can be made real in the physical world. all desires can be made real in the physical world. but as we know, it takes a Knowing and a letting go and a Trusting for the Universe to be allowed to make real these desires of ours. the pain we have experienced in romantic relationship is from holding on. and then "losing." we love someone so much that we try to grasp onto them and keep them close and when the inevitable happens... change, of course... we feel the discord as pain and grief because we haven't kept up to speed with life as it has become. the emotions labled "pain," "longing," and "grief," are the discordant sounds of the human instrument being out of tune with the Universal Orchestra. it is what happens when we try to keep playing a beautiful line of music that we loved so much, when the Orchestra has moved on to even more beautiful notes and melodies, and we are now playing the wrong notes.

from where i am now, the best option i can see, if i want to catch up with the Orchestra, is to just stop playing for a little while. i am letting go of relationships. i am letting go of sex. i am letting go of that beautiful and honorable desire. i know that eventually, it is being made real in the physical world. i know this, and i have known it for my entire life. but i have grown weary of trying to make it happen in the wrong timing. i no longer wish to try directing the Orchestra, because it is so Vast and complex and beautiful that i feel constantly lost when i try. i just want to let go, allow my instrument to tune itself up, and play my part as Directed. i want to get into the flow of the Music.

it feels so good to be in the Flow, whether or not others are there with me. that's where i choose to be. i am letting go now.

love,
the Phoenix