Treasures from the Deep

wet dreams

2012-01-08T23:46:00.000-08:00

once again, i encounter a state of hibernation. and while my nervous mind wails and rails against the stagnation, my Inner Being tells me that it's quite alright. i am allowed to sleep and be still for a while. there is nothing i need to do, nowhere i need to be but here.

it is in this quietude that i recognize there is much within me from which i have been running. but running from my own inner world is like trying to run from air. not only is it impossible, since it is everywhere, but it is fatal. we need our inner world. it is all we have. it is literally what breathes us.

there are aspects of my own inner world that i have fought against, hid from myself, ignored, loathed. most recently i have come to acknowledge and accept my true sexual nature and desires. even writing it down like makes me feel a little nervous, because i have this fear that it will create a definition of me in the minds of others, and ultimately change the way i am perceived. this may be so, but i now have to make a choice: would i rather be honest and loving with myself? or would i rather cater to the fickle preferences of others, real or imaginary?

of course i will always choose the former.

so, without further ado, here it is. the unveiling of my bisexuality.

i'm not sure what else to say about it. part of me felt like it wasn't really so important that i should make an announcement. then again, a lot of what i write about is simply personal revelation expressed with the hope that my honesty will inspire even one other to be more honest with themselves.

it's interesting... to put a label on one's sexuality seems strange. sexuality is an energy, a feeling, triggered within each of us according to our personal experience, thoughts, images, culture, etc. sexuality is sexuality. it's not something that can be fit into a box called "gay" or "straight." it is an energy, an attraction that arises within. the Spirit does not have a gender. just because we as humans have genitals that are either matching or complementary (or anywhere in-between) doesn't mean that the sexual energy that arouses those genitalia is different according to each person. as a woman, i breathe air that is of the same molecular makeup as a man, or a hermaphrodite. in the eyes of Source, there is no difference.

energy is energy.

sex is sex.

one of my resolutions this new year was to have this be my year of sexual freedom. no more rules, games, or worries. no more doubts and fears. no more attachments. just pure enjoyment of pleasure in every form it comes in.

another resolution, that seems to go hand-in-hand with the first, is that i will not back down from my desires. this year, i will own all of my desires and cherish them, for they make me who i am. and Who I Am is unique unto the entire Universe. my desires keep this Universe expanding, growing, breathing.

anything i desire, i have the absolute right to desire. desire is a treasure. a crack through which God flows to us and through us. it is not necessarily the physical thing we want. simply the pleasure of having a desire burning within us, lighting us on fire and fueling the Creation of All That Is.

Life.

i have said this before, and i'll say it again. sex is not about having an orgasm. it is about experiencing fully the pleasure of desire. in the same way, life is not about having the things (the orgasms). it is about experiencing the pleasure of the desire.

of course, withholding oneself from their desire because you think it's not okay to have the thing you desire (whether it's money or an orgasm) only makes the desire painful (ever heard of blue balls? kind of like that. and yes, women get blue balls, to). when that desire feels so big that it is filling your entire Beingness, that means it's time to fulfill it. that's when it's the best time to get laid. that's when it's the most satisfying to eat a great meal.

there is nothing we are here to do except desire and enjoy. that's it. nothing more. no "purpose" or "lesson" or "karma." just pleasure, bliss, enjoyment.

love,

pH.

Free at Last, I Am Free at Last

2011-12-07T22:55:00.000-08:00

i want you to know that there is nothing to fear.

i want you to know that freedom is something that cannot be taken away. it is born within us, an inherent state of Being. we may choose to become distracted by illusions of bondage. we may choose to experience the feeling of being trapped. but these choices are truly indicators of exactly how free we are.

freedom is not something that can be quantified, defined, mandated, or granted.

freedom is a feeling.

you cannot take away a feeling.

feelings are something over which we humans have full control. we can create whatever feeling we like. indeed, we do so every day. every form of art, music, film, and literature is created with the intention of invoking a feeling. our feelings stem from the stories we tell ourselves, and the stories we tell each other.

many people today are telling a very frightening story. many people are telling stories of how we will lose our freedom. of how we have already lost so much of our freedom, and "They" want to take the rest away. some people are telling the story of how we will not let "Them" take our freedom. that we will fight to the death to protect our freedom from their greed and lies and corruption.

but a few people are telling a different story altogether. a few people are telling the story of how, no matter how big and scary the illusion is, it doesn't change how free we are. we are freedom, embodied.

we make choices every day. some of these choices illustrate our inherent freedom. others play into the illusion of being trapped. either way, our choices are made purely because we are free to make them.

no amount of guns, legislation, or dictatorship can ever suppress the natural Force of the Universe. nobody has ever taken away the freedom of another. if there has ever been the experience of lack of freedom, it is because we allowed the strength of the illusion to overpower the strength of our Knowing that not one person has power over another.

the greatest revolution that will happen, that is happening, on this planet... is the revolution within each of us. soon we will all know that the only ones who robbed us of our freedom were ourselves.

be well, my friends. remember your freedom, and fear not the big bad goings-on that surround us in these times. it will not last.

on the crest of an expanding wave

2011-09-19T14:00:00.001-07:00

i am feeling an increasing awareness of the presence of my Source. it pervades all moments and makes me feel like, through it, i am reaching out into infinite directions and touching everything and everyone. it feels good.

today, as i walked my dog, we came across a conflict. a group of GLBT students surrounded a man who was holding up a large sign with some bible quotes on it. he was arguing that only through Christ can one find salvation, that homosexuality is a sin, etc. the GLBT students were of course outraged. as i approached, i felt my heart rate become more intense. i participated by saying that i thought it was beautiful that we all have the freedom to choose our own perspectives. eventually they all decided to ignore him, which i though was a lovely idea. i left at that point, but as i walked home i couldn't help but ponder the energy of what had occurred.

i delighted in the contrast of it! i found it exciting, and as i came away from it i recognized that my Inner Being had delighted in it as well, because from it had been created something new and expanded. and the same went for the Inner Being of every single participant in the conflict. each of them was asking for something, and Source has become it for all of them. were they to let go and know that All Is Well, they would receive what they asked for immediately. as i walked away, i did just that, and i rode the wave of expansion almost as it was happening. what a thrill!

it feels good to feel good. it is so good to know that i am always surrounded by Love. that i am always safe and secure and taken care of. it feels good to see my life through the eyes of Source. it feels good to feel the presence of Source right there with me, on the leading edge, experiencing what i experience, sharing my life with me. it is truly the greatest Partnership i could ask for :)

love,
phoenix

flowing ideas

2011-09-14T00:04:00.000-07:00

it's been a while since i've written, and i feel like a lot has been happening internally this entire year and i haven't really shared much of it. mostly because i'm not quite sure how to put it into words. but often i find that writing clears my mindspace. it's as if the words are jumbled up in my head, floating around and wanting to be expressed in some way, and when i finally put them down on paper (or a screen), they are transported out of my awareness so i no longer need to listen to them jabbering at me.

so i have this homework assignment. oh yeah, did i tell you? i'm back in school! yay! i'm going for Digital Cinema, which is exciting! filmmaking is something i've always wanted to do, and this feels so good to be doing this... to have something tangible to flow my action/creative energy towards. so my homework that i am supposed to be getting done for class tomorrow is simple in theory, but i'm not sure how to go about it. i have to create a story board to accompany a poem that i will be visually interpreting on camera. the poem should not be acted out or directly interpreted, but should leave some mystery and intrigue in the way it is portrayed in the short video. my struggle is that, i am using the poem i wrote last year called "I Am The Summer." (http://treasuresfromthedeep.blogspot.com/2010/08/i-am-summer.html)

the problem, the solution of which i intend to receive, is that the poem is already very blatantly visual. every line is describing a literal object or scenario. the meaning behind the poem is that god/spirit/consciousness/The Movie resides in each and every moment... in every single aspect of every moment... as if it has all been directed and choreographed to be there, in perfect timing and synchronicity. as if it IS a film that we are all playing our part in. so how can i play that idea into a visual expression as the film is being read aloud over the screen shots?

what if i made it about a girl? and you could never quite glimpse her in her entirety, but from what you could catch she seemed beautiful and magical... and then in the final scene, you see her weeping, face-down on the grass, hair covering her head and arms... oooh images are flowing now!

so in the first scene, she is lying in the grass, and there is an extreme close-up, blurred image of her hair on the grass, and a butterfly goes by... and the image slowly comes into focus.

next scene, the girl is seen through the leaves of bushes and trees, running. playing.

next scene, just the girl's hand and arm are seen as she goes around a tree, her hand brushing against the bark.

next: the camera follows a leaf as it flutters down and lands near or on the girl (never seeing her face), who is lying in the grass.... the shot widens and we see....:

next shot: shot widens to find the girl is face-down on the grass, weeping, the leaf clutched in her hand.

ok i'm ready for bed now :D

Dollhouse

2011-09-04T12:52:00.000-07:00

i just spent the majority of this weekend watching the TV mini-series "Dollhouse."

what an intense experience.

returning to my "real" life, i find my internal world chaotic and strange to me. it is amazing that a visual story (a movie or a tv show) can evoke such a powerful vibrational effect on a person. i was completely absorbed into the show... i HAD to find out what happened next. i HAD to see it through to the end, even though so much of the show made me feel emotional discomfort and agitation.

i imagine that is how Source feels before entering a physical body. no matter how agitating and uncomfortable some of the physical experiences may be, there is an intrigue that is intoxicating and addictive. the EXPERIENCE is so thrilling, to be feeling so much color and life and diversity of emotion and thought and idea.

i am so glad i watched the entirety of the show. thank god it was only 2 series, or i would have locked myself in my room for days until i finished it!

i'm going to school these days, and i am intending to major in Digital Cinema at the community college i attend. it's amazing how easily that is unfolding for me. i am taking Screenwriting, Intro to Field Production, and Drawing 1. this is perfect for me. it is getting me in the mindset of filmmaking. it is giving me the knowledge and understanding i need in order to make this my career. i am feeling encouraged and supported along this path, and i know that it is taking me in exactly the direction i want to go! there is no need for me to "make" anything happen, because i have this deep, pervasive sensation that everything in that department has already been created and is unfolding perfectly for me and all i am doing is going along for the ride and absorbing information, gaining new perspective.

i am beginning to gain the sense that, if i feel this way about my career path and it is unfolding so easily, then the other aspects of my life that i have been asking for and creating for so long (romantic relationships in particular) are unfolding in the same way and i can just let go and go for the ride.

with school... i had to take a break. after freshman year, i had to leave, because i knew i wasn't doing what i loved, but i wasn't able to recognize and accept and acknowledge that doing what i really love IS possible. it took me 2 years to finally come to the realization that i HAD to be filmmaking, or i would never be happy. it's what i've wanted to do my entire life, since before i could put it into words. i have always wanted to be an actress and i have always wanted to make films. these desires are Divine Inspiration. they are what cause Life Force to flood my very existence.

so perhaps the same goes for romance. taking a break is something i've said i wanted to do, but whenever i do, something or somebody comes in to change my mind. i guess i need to get clear on what i really want and just focus on that and know it is already created for me... the path is laid out. now i just need to be okay with not being "there" today, knowing that i will be eventually.

love.

God is in the Puke

2011-08-17T04:11:00.000-07:00

recently i began working as a bartender at a local bar. it's a great job! i make a lot of money on a steady basis, and i'm basically facilitating the good times of everyone who comes in.

last night, however, i had my first puke cleanup.

i was thoroughly grossed-out by the idea of having to do this task, and was putting it off, hoping someone else would pick up the job for me. but i went into the kitchen to put in a load of dishes, and as i was coming out, this phrase came into my mind:

"God is in the puke."

i instantly cracked up, and my resistance to the nasty cleaning job lifted. i put on some rubber gloves and cleaned up that puke like it was nobody's business.

sometimes life just presents itself, and whether we like it or not, we are experiencing it. but it is all the same Stuff. it is all coming from the same Source. it is all coming from and going back to Love.

the best way to feel good about all of it is to remember that it's all Go(o)d.

yes, even puke is part of God.

love,

the phoenix

the Heart's embrace of the entire Universe

2011-08-01T20:28:00.000-07:00

this last week, my vibration has sped up so much that i am currently riding on a high and exciting wave of love and appreciation!

and i did this!

i remembered the importance of feeling uncomfortable emotions, and i began asking the emotions what the story was that was creating the feeling. then i recognized that, because the emotion felt uncomfortable, it meant that the story was pointed in the opposite direction of Source. i began gently guiding my story back towards Source.

gradually, my mood began to shift! i've also been listening to Abraham Hicks again, and it is amazing how uplifted and soothed i am by Esther's voice as she speaks as Abraham. i am immediately reminded of my power and the love that surrounds me.

so today i began in hope and optimism, and i recognized it and i just appreciated myself for being there. i stabilized there for a little while, and then i began creeping up the emotional scale. i got myself an iced coffee and chatted with my friend who works at the shop i got it from. it was delicious (i LOVE black iced coffee, and haven't had a cup in a few weeks). then i went to the YMCA (getting a membership there was the best choice i could make for myself) for my first day of kickboxing class! it was so much fun, and i really worked my body hard! it was great. then, immediately afterward, i got to do yoga with my friend who teaches the class. i thought i was going to miss yoga today because the class i usually go to was at the same time as kickboxing, but then i saw my friend walk in and i was like "OMG yoga today?!" and so physically i feel great. then after that, i went to my special tree friend and rampaged so much appreciation all over myself and my life.

then tonight i was texting my friend, and he told me he was feeling a little hungover. so i offered to send him some healing/soothing energy. he agreed, and as i was sending it, i just felt my heart open so wide. it felt amazing. but then i started thinking about some uncomfortable moments and interactions i had had recently that had been bothering me a little bit, and i was still feeling my heart incredibly wide open, and i felt like my heart grew arms and pulled into its loving embrace all of the people i had tried to "push out" of my experience. it felt so good. it still feels good.

it made me realize that that must be what causes friction between people... we "push out" an aspect of ourselves that we have decided isn't worthy of love, and then we see it in other people and we get angry with them or feel hurt by them or judge them in some way. and simultaneously we express in an out-of-balance way that same aspect of ourselves. but the universe consists of everything, and all of it is "worthy" of love! worthiness isn't even a question, because it all IS love and there is no judgement of where the love should go. there is nowhere for it to go, it just is. there is nowhere it cannot be. and so, by embracing these aspects of ourselves, represented by others who have "harmed us," we acknowledge that "i am all of this universe, and i am completely lovable and loved. i love mySelf completely!"

eeeeeee! i feel so good right now! it is so fantastic to be alive!

LOVE!
the phoenix

quiet Power

2011-07-12T18:10:00.000-07:00

you know you've reached a place of Powerful allowing when, in the midst of emotional turmoil, the quiet voice of Reason rings like a clear, high bell over the din of fear and anguish.

The Orchestra

2011-07-11T21:46:00.000-07:00

my love for myself has flourished and blossomed so gently and sweetly. now, when an emotion comes up that feels sad or angry or upsetting in some way, i am able to find the source of Love benieth it, and appreciate myself for it.

every emotional response comes from Love, even if it doesn't appear to be Love in the moment of its expression. it always comes from a deep source of Love.

for example, my most recent emotional experiences have been with regards to relationships and romantic love. i've felt a lot of aching, longing, grieving, sadness. it's a feeling most of us have encountered, because it is such a pervasive collective vibration on this planet. it comes from a deep, deep desire to share profound love and bliss with another. this is a beautiful desire (indeed it is the core of every aspect of Creation), and it can be made real in the physical world. all desires can be made real in the physical world. but as we know, it takes a Knowing and a letting go and a Trusting for the Universe to be allowed to make real these desires of ours. the pain we have experienced in romantic relationship is from holding on. and then "losing." we love someone so much that we try to grasp onto them and keep them close and when the inevitable happens... change, of course... we feel the discord as pain and grief because we haven't kept up to speed with life as it has become. the emotions labled "pain," "longing," and "grief," are the discordant sounds of the human instrument being out of tune with the Universal Orchestra. it is what happens when we try to keep playing a beautiful line of music that we loved so much, when the Orchestra has moved on to even more beautiful notes and melodies, and we are now playing the wrong notes.

from where i am now, the best option i can see, if i want to catch up with the Orchestra, is to just stop playing for a little while. i am letting go of relationships. i am letting go of sex. i am letting go of that beautiful and honorable desire. i know that eventually, it is being made real in the physical world. i know this, and i have known it for my entire life. but i have grown weary of trying to make it happen in the wrong timing. i no longer wish to try directing the Orchestra, because it is so Vast and complex and beautiful that i feel constantly lost when i try. i just want to let go, allow my instrument to tune itself up, and play my part as Directed. i want to get into the flow of the Music.

it feels so good to be in the Flow, whether or not others are there with me. that's where i choose to be. i am letting go now.

love,
the Phoenix

acid tripping, sunlight eating, and celibacy

2011-07-09T22:46:00.000-07:00

this last week has been beautiful. it's amazing how quickly time passes these days, yet how suspended in each moment i feel most of the time.

last weekend i went to Phish's Super Ball IX. what a great time! i met some amazing people, including a few of the artists who had been hired to make some of the installations at the festival. what cool people they were! and i left the festival feeling inspired to just start making things. my dad gave me a sketch book, and i am realizing how much my drawing muscles have atrophied over the last several years. it's ok though. one revelation i had during the last night of Super Ball was "nothing is lost in the spirit of the Lord."

i never use the term "the Lord," but this phrase came to me after i had taken some acid. i recognized that it applies to everything; physical items, people, talents, knowledge, abilities, connections, health, love... even "sanity" and cognition. every time i felt some worry creep up, that perhaps i was tripping too hard and wouldn't come back this time, i thought of this phrase and knew everything would be alright. hallucinogens always remind me of my ultimate power in choosing how well the Trip goes. whether i am tripping on acid or tripping on life itself, i am always in control of the feeling. in every moment, i can choose to focus on things that bring me down or things that excite me. and when you're tripping, you do not want to focus on things that bring you down, even for a moment, because you can immediately feel where it will take you emotionally, and if you continue down that path, it can really affect you on a deep level, because you may go all the way into the depths of your own self-created hell. this happens in "normal" life as well, but it is much subtler and sneakier sometimes, because your sensitivities aren't heightened to these things. unless you train yourself to become sensitive in that way, and then it becomes easier and easier.

so that is what i am doing now. this week has been lovely because i have been letting go more, and i am finding it easier to do tasks around my house that i was really feeling overwhelmed by. doing laundry, vacuuming, tidying up in general ways. i'm eating well, drinking lots of water, doing yoga, going for walks with my dog, and practicing my artwork. that's what it is. you have to practice.

so i'm also learning the flute. someone sold a flute to my dad for 10 bucks, and he gave it to me to fiddle around with. it's really fun, i can actually make a nice sound on it, and the fingerings aren't very difficult. i played clarinet in middle and high school. this is very different though, because for half of the notes (the higher octave), you have to change your embouchure to make the note higher. but all of that will just take practice as well.

my body is becoming stronger, healthier, more beautiful. it's wonderful to witness, and it is so nice to live in a family that supports these things. yesterday, my dad and i went grocery shopping and bought the most amazing array of fresh fruits, vegetables, and various other items (raw cashews, dates, craisins, granola, honey, peanut butter, almond milk, dark chocolate with sea salt and almonds (!!!), juice, feta cheese, greek yogurt, etc). everything available to me now is something i am in total alignment with eating. one thing i have decided is: i will never again eat meat that has been corn-fed. during the phish festival, i was staying with some dudes from colorado, and they had brought all of this really amazing organic, grass-fed meat. it was unlike any meat i'd ever had before. it was as if i had never eaten meat before in my life, i had been eating some mediocre excuse for meat. for a while i kept fighting with myself, trying to be vegetarian (because i thought i "should"), but not having a good enough excuse to give up meat (i have no problem with eating animals, i see nothing wrong with it). now i have a great excuse to give up most meat, because i don't ever want to eat shitty meat again. grass-fed meat is so much better for the body. it is full of nutrition, and high in omega 3 fatty acids, which are necessary for the body's function. plus it is tastier, has much better texture, and it's not full of antibiotics, hormones, and stress-chemicals from the animals living in unnatural environments.

i haven't talked much about food on this blog before, but i think i will take some time to talk about my perspective on food. we all have our own beliefs about food, and as many of you know, your beliefs create your reality. some people believe that a raw vegan diet is the best for the human body. this is actually coming to be a very popular belief, and i understand why. for the most part, my diet is mainly raw just by default. i love fresh fruits and vegetables, they are delicious. often i will steam my veggies (you can't really eat raw asparagus... it just doesn't work). but there are many other things that humans have invented that are incredibly nutritious and beneficial to the human body. for example: yogurt. this is an amazingly healthy food, and it is neither raw nor vegan. it hosts a number of healthy bacteria that assist the body's digestion. it is also high in protein and healthy fat. plus, if it is coming from grass fed cows, it is high in vitamins and nutrients that the cow received from the grass it ate, which received the loving rays of the sun.

if you think about eating sunlight, you'll have a good diet. the closer you are to eating fresh sunlight, the healthier your body is going to be. this is my belief system, and i rather enjoy it. there's no "rules" or "no-nos," it's just common sense and listening to my own body. fresh vegetables and fruits, dairy (including butter) and eggs from grass-fed animals, grass-fed meats, wild seafood... these are all foods that are very close to the sunlight which gives everything physical energy. eating processed foods that are all made in dark factories with very little love and attention... probably not the best thing for the body. it's not going to be harmful in a moderate amount, but some people create their entire diet based on things in packages. there is no sunlight. there is no Love.

there are some things, however, that are human inventions, which are beautiful to consume (again, everything in moderation). fermented foods, like Kim Chi (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kimchi) and yogurt all help the digestive system. and bread is a human staple, and has been for thousands of years, across all cultures. there is a reason for this, and i believe that humans have intuited ways of nourishing their bodies by using things in nature in different ways to create certain effects. tea is really good for you, and there are many different kinds for many different purposes... but you don't find tea in nature as a liquid. humans had to figure out that boiling it would extract the beneficial flavors and effects from the leaves or flowers. and rice is impossible to eat raw, but if you boil it, it is edible and incredibly nutritious, especially when combined with legumes of some type.

i agree, raw and fresh is better in most cases. but any time you take something to an extreme, you're disallowing yourself a full experience of life. i sometimes eat potato chips. there is nothing nutritious about potato chips! but they're tasty, and they compliment a sandwich very well (way better than carrot sticks).

on a new subject, one thing i am taking slightly to an extreme is sex, or rather no sex. i am deliberately choosing celibacy at this time in my life. i have several interrelated reasons for this. the primary reason is that i haven't found a strong and mutual heart connection with a man yet. i know i will soon. but without that connection, sex is thoroughly unsatisfying, and actually creates immense emotional turmoil within me. it's quite a distraction, and saps me of the energy that i need to do and create other things. to my very core, i know that sex is supposed to be an invigorating and beautiful experience, that takes both parties to a new level of understanding, of each other and themselves. i haven't experienced this kind of sex yet, and it has frustrated me a lot. i know i am a powerful and sexy woman, and i deserve to be worshipped and loved by a powerful and sexy man. so i am waiting for that man, and i am savoring the waiting. i know that after celibacy, such a sexual encounter will be earth-shattering, life-changing, magnificent to behold. for me, that is something worth waiting for.

so that is my update. note that these are all personal revelations, not universal truths. so anyone reading this can disregard whatever doesn't vibe with them, and if you can find a morsel of truth in what i have said, that pertains to your life, then i have done my job well.

love you all!

-Phoenix

What Would Maude Do?

2011-06-25T21:06:00.000-07:00

i just finished watching Harold and Maude again. i've seen it so many times, but every time is like the first time. i catch a new insight, a new feeling, a new glimpse into what life could be if i would decide that it was important enough to make it that way.

my primary desire in life: to LIVE life in the way Maude teaches Harold to live.

my second desire in life: to CREATE a movie that affects people (and myself) in the way this movie affects me. there is no greater work of art than one that can create such a flood of glorious emotion, Unnamed and Powerful. leaving the witness feeling raw, invigorated, shaken, uplifted, and swollen with the desire to LIVE LIFE in the way it is supposed to be lived.

this movie fills me with more inspiration and fuel than any self-help book or 12-step program. because it FEELS so REAL and possible! it feels like Maude is just an older version of myself, and Harold is me where i am, and i am showing myself the way to my own Kingdom.

the movie finishes with me pouring out emotion through my face and chest, reveling in the immensity and beauty of the pure energy that i feel. it is magnificent to be alive, and i MUST take action TODAY to live my life in Maude's Image.

that would be a wonderful tattoo: What Would Maude Do?

perfect for the inner wrist. i've been trying to come up with a short phrase to go on the inside of my right wrist (the left is taken up by the Czech Lion) to remind me to let go and be free and easy in my life. i think that is a lovely line of thinking... perhaps a better phrasing will come to mind.

i love feeling this awake!

love!

pruning a thorny rose bush

2011-06-25T14:47:00.000-07:00

it seems to be so easy for old habits to creep back in, like a thorny weed overgrowing a garden. today i was trimming a plant. it was in our back yard and my dad had thought it was a weed and trimmed it back, and when he did so, it began to flower. so he re-planted it in our front garden so it would grow up the side of our house. it is incredibly vigorous though, and after only a couple of weeks, there were thorny, grabby shoots reaching out into our driveway. i trimmed a lot of the branches off completely, hoping to re-direct the plant's energy into the shoots that were reaching up the house.

i suppose one must treat the mind like a plant in this way. there are thorns and if you allow it to grow unruly, they will grab at you and get stuck to you and you will have a harder time trimming it and keeping it directed in the way you like. but if you do regular maintenance, it will grow in the way you want, and you won't be grabbed by prickers reaching in the wrong direction. the emotions tell you which direction the mind is growing in; negative emotion indicates that the mind is growing away from Who You Truly Are, and positive, loving emotions indicate that the mind is growing towards Who You Truly Are. soon, with the right pruning and nurturing, you will have a beautiful flowering creation that displays your care and attention.

paying attention to the mind as well as the emotions is important. it becomes an art form, and i feel like i am in kindergarten using crayons and coloring books! but we all have to start somewhere, so the best i can do is act like a kindergartener and just laugh at everything. everything's gonna be alright.

love.

stretching the heart

2011-06-22T23:46:00.000-07:00

pain is the experience of the heart stretching open to receive more love. pain is when the heart has been small and stiff for a long time, but the time comes for enormous amounts of love to flow through. at first, in a massage, there is pain where the knots have accumulated and are kneeded out by a loving masseuse. after the knots have softened and relaxed (released resistance), the massage is able to penetrate the tissue to deep levels. love may hurt at first, especially if one has closed the heart to it for so long. but once the heart has been pummeled with the force of it, Love is able to penetrate the tissues, physical and etherial.

i intend to let go and allow the penetration, though it may hurt at first. it may burn and sting and ache. it does. it won't forever though. i trust that eventually, this enormous amount of love that wants to flow through me will feel like bliss. for now it feels mildly uncomfortable, and that is progress. there was a time when it felt incredibly painful and i couldn't handle it. it was heavy and intense and i couldn't share it with anyone around me, because they were closed-off, too.

today, things are different. this powerful River of Love has blasted my heart open, and is ever-expanding me and my capacity for love. it is intense, and i have resisted much. but the more i experience the pain of resisting my own Love, the more i understand the importance of releasing and allowing. the easier it becomes to find the eye of the storm. the more i am able to trust what my feelings are telling me and the direction in which i need to focus.

i'm going to be okay. i'll be better than okay. the more i get the hang of this, the more fun i have in life. that is the whole point: to have fun. i'm getting this, and i'm going to be great. i am great. everything is wonderful.

love.

the end of a chapter titled "A Kite in a Tempest."

2011-06-22T23:24:00.000-07:00

yes this chapter is closed. relationships, however brief or longterm, are chapters that all have endings. the pain comes from trying to continue the chapter beyond its end point.

this most recent chapter was turbulent, full of tension between my heart's truest Knowing, and my mind trying to convince itself that this was what i wanted. in the end, i could not ignore my heart any further. and after the end, i waded through a mire of discordant emotion resulting from the mind's attempt at continuing the chapter.

i have ended it in a clean way, with blessings all around. i am ready to write the new chapter of my life's story, whatever it may contain, and whatever my character may learn and experience.

i know what i deserve in a true-love relationship, and i know what my heart feels like when it knows this is "not it." so i am sure i will know when i know "this is it."

i am not going back to the old and painful dramatic writing of previous relationships. i have a deep, conscious, powerful heart connection being prepared for me, and i am ready and willing to wait for it to cook in the ethers. in the meantime, i am gonna have some fun and continue letting go and allowing the All to open my heart wide.

love.

the importance of focus

2011-06-21T19:58:00.000-07:00

as humans, with limited perspective and control over the way life works, we have one job.

focus the mind in the right direction.

this is all we truly have control over in life. people, places, events come and go. emotions come and go. things come and go. we have one choice we must make at every turn in the road, and that is "shall i look at this situation in a way that makes me feel a little better or a little worse?"

this is the most powerful choice anyone can make. and without focus, it is easy to make this choice by default. i've found myself lacking focus lately, and i've noticed that it truly affects the outcome of any situation in my life. when you consciously make the choice to think about things in a way that feels a little better, it keeps you open to possibilities. it allows things to come in. it allows your awareness to alight upon ideas that may have been out of reach had you chosen to think otherwise.

i am glad i am coming back to my powerful place of focus. i'm glad i chose to de-rail my own train for a little while, because it just reinforces my understanding of how good it feels to be on-track. it gives me power while the physical world around me shifts and changes. it gives me my sealegs back.

focus is very much like sea legs because while the waves and winds of the physical world toss and turn your boat around, you have stability in this moment now. and you know what you can do next, and you don't panic.

this is the simplest key to living the life of one's dreams, and it is funny that i forgot its importance. but i'm glad i'm remembering, and i'm glad i'm taking up the reigns again. this feels good :)

i am Creator

2011-06-16T09:16:00.000-07:00

i am letting go of burdens i once thought i needed to carry.

i am allowing myself to be stretched open by the vastness of Cosmic Penetration.

i am letting the layers of fabric that have been thrown over me in embarrassment and shame, be stripped from me to reveal my naked and quivering flesh.

i am opening my mouth wide and sucking the orgasm from Life's enormous dick. the cum is sweet and thirst-quenching, and the afterglow is heady and smells of early summer.

i am donning my cape and flying around the world, performing miracles and breathing life into that which was once thought to be dead.

i am alighting upon a hillside and surrendering all guises and asking a Tree to show me the Way. finding my questions silently answered, and my worries deeply soothed from below and above, i give Thanks, and frolic home to find more trouble to get into.

i am remembering that all the experience is Perfection, and it is because i am exploring an infinitely-faceted diamond that i feel the peaks and planes. if i wanted to feel only one feeling, i would explore a crystal ball. but that would be a different thing altogether, now wouldn't it?

i am feeling my heart open wide to hug my lover, my Father, my Mother, my Friend, my Self.

i am caught in a third-person sensation as i artfully butter my english muffin, and catch mySelf gazing lovingly through my eyes at the human that i wear every day. she is so adorable. i love her, sweet thing.

love.

2011-06-16T09:12:00.000-07:00

the phoenix burns herself alive.

the Phoenix burns. her Self: Alive.

the Phoenix burns herself to life

the phoenix burns herself a life

the phoenix burns herself alive.

the phoenix burns herself alive

2011-06-10T19:37:00.000-07:00

it has been a while since i updated this blog... and much has happened and unfolded in my experience. the most prominent manifestation is a new relationship, which has proven to be an incredible catalyst for metamorphosis.

for as long as i can remember, i have been carrying some of the heaviest energy around with regards to relationships. longing, unworthiness, pain, and fear are just some descriptors that don't really begin to nail down the feelings i have carried. i don't know where or why i picked up these vibrations, but it's been a long and beautiful experience to uncover them and cast them into the Void from which they came.

every relationship i've had in the past has been fleeting and shallow for one main reason: the man i was with didn't understand the energy that i was carrying needed to be burned away. when the old and heavy emotions began to rise to the surface and be felt, they freaked out and ran away. i had to burn off a lot of that stuff on my own, and that was perfect. since beginning this new relationship, i've experienced an immense amount of emotional baggage being ripped through me. like a wildfire clearing out the old brush of a forest, to make way for new saplings and undergrowth, this new love roared through me and i could do nothing but break down and cry from pain and relief.

and what's best about this? he hasn't run away. he hasn't cringed. he hasn't taken it personally. he just smiles and tells me "i'm here to support you." and while i cry and cry, breaking apart layers and layers of old exoskeleton that has needed shedding for eons, he just witnesses so lovingly.

so while i am screamed at and reprimanded and warned by the bits of my mind that are attached to the exoskeleton, i will stand with love in the center of the metamorphosis and know that all is well, and know that man is exactly who i have asked for. he has already proven beyond the shadow of a doubt that he can handle me. and now all i can do is allow myself to burn. i will be resurrected, brighter and more glorious than i ever was before. and he will be there to witness me.

love.

complaining vs. appreciation

2011-05-10T20:02:00.000-07:00

i am currently doing business in boston. i'm buying textbooks back from college students through a buy-back company. the first couple days were stressful, and i found myself feeling very complainy, which is not normal for me anymore. usually i catch myself pretty quick, but i found myself on a downward-spiral, and ended up venting to my friend about all the things i found wrong with this operation.

sometimes you need to get it out of you so you can look at it and decide if it's what you really want, you know?

so this morning, i woke up, and in that hazy half-dream-consciousness in the snoozes between alarm rings, i decided that today was going to be my day of appreciation. no more complaining.

and it was amazing!

first of all, i truly appreciate myself for recognizing this, and making an empowered choice to change my focus. and then actually doing it. and succeeding at it!

i spent hours waiting for folks to come by to sell me their textbooks, and i just watched people go by and listed things i appreciated about them just based on the few moments i saw them as they walked past me. at one point, when i was feeling really good from appreciating so much, a whole gaggle of high school track-running dudes ran by me while they were all laughing! it was perfect! i even made friends with our "competition," who happens to be set up right next to us. the girl running that show turned out to be really nice and we decided to join efforts and look out for each other. i like that a lot.

it was really like Abraham-Hicks says: when you know what you don't want, you automatically know what you do want. focus all of your attention on that, and you will begin to come back into alignment with Who You Are. in my case, it was as simple as knowing that i didn't want to complain anymore, because it really left a bad taste in my mouth, so to speak. so i turned all of my attention onto appreciating, and i felt amazing the whole day. the more i get used to these high vibrations, the faster i snap back into them if i start to dip down into lower vibrations and old habits. i'm really becoming aware. and i'm becoming aware more and more each day that i have so far to go... i have eternity to evolve, and i'm never going to get it done. it's ok to text the limits and explore and "forget" for a day or two, because it serves as a great affirmation of what i know to be True. during times when i start to doubt, i'll find myself in scenarios like i did yesterday, and i'll prove to myself that there is no doubt... i am creating my reality, and what i focus on generates what i attract, and it gets bigger and bigger the more energy i add to it. there is no doubt about that at all, i can see very clearly that this is what happened yesterday. i'm glad i did that and explored out on the rough and ragged edge, because now i feel my focus is more strongly on what is going right. and i am keeping a sharper eye out on my habits now than ever before, firmly planting my feet in the direction of appreciation instead of complaint.

i'm looking forward to tomorrow and the new appreciation adventure i will take!

love!

vibration

2011-05-06T18:15:00.001-07:00

i'm not entirely sure what i came here to write, but here goes...

i'm realizing more and more that i am purely vibrational in nature. it's as if the physical reality i perceive is this blanket that lays over the vibrational reality that is invisible. and where there is a crease in the fabric, i know there is a vibration that needs smoothing. it's as though i just gained a new pair of eyes, but they don't see light. and i've gained a new pair of hands, but they don't mould clay. it's as though my very being stretches out beyond my skin and muscle and bone and out into eternity.

these are things i've heard before from others, and yes it's all very poetic. but i'm actually feeling it now. how interesting it is to be alive and focused in a physical body, yet very aware of the true Essence of Who I Am.

love.

Life and Death: A Love Story

2011-05-03T05:29:00.000-07:00

usually i do my best to ignore most of the goings-on in the old world. i am focusing as much of my mental energy as i can on creating my new world. but in lieu of the recent death of Osama Bin Ladin, and how stirred-up everyone is over it, i think this is an appropriate time to put my thoughts into written form. it's really annoying to have my opinion floating around in my head without being expressed somewhere!

when i first found out about Bin Ladin's death, i was completely nonplussed. it's been such a long time since i even thought of that "reality" that it was pretty much old news to me.

then, all the opinions started flying on facebook. it was rather difficult to ignore an old reality that seemed to be seeping into mine. half of my friends spouted political hyperbabble, theorizing what this would mean to the rest of the world. the other half posted a viral MLK quote, which, as it turns out, is completely erroneous. but none of these opinions really resonated with me, and i didn't know why.

until i remembered.

there is no such thing as death.

energy is flowing, moving, shifting, transforming. but even physics will tell you that there is no beginning or end to an energy. what appears to be an end is really just a shift into a different form. the physical body that was once referred to as Osama Bin Ladin may not be animated of its own accord anymore, but the Spirit that experienced life through that body does exist, and has expanded as a result of the contrast lived. not only this, but the thought-form that Bin Ladin accumulated around himself still exists. fear, hatred, anger, and all of those vibrations still exist. and obviously you can't kill fear, hatred, and anger with guns or weapons or anything physical. really, trying to do so will only feed those vibrations and make them stronger, more prevalent.

Bin Ladin was like the canary in the coal mine. he embodied such an extreme form of low vibration that it brought forth that vibration that was hidden within us all. we even justified acting from that vibrational level by saying "he started it!"

the best thing any of us can do is feel the emotional response to the idea of Bin Ladin. stop telling the story of why he was wrong and we are right. stop telling the story of who he hurt and what went wrong, and blah blah blah. stop telling those stories and FEEL the emotion. feel it. don't label it as wrong. don't push it away. don't run from it. don't even talk about it. feel it and surrender to it. allow it to exist. because if we keep pushing against it, trying to eradicate all anger, fear, sadness, pain, and hatred, it's just going to grow angrier and sadder, more painful and more fearful.

those emotions are like children who have been deprived of love. they are literally throwing temper tantrums, BEGGING for love, and we are trying to shut them up by spanking them and sending them to their room with no dinner. how is this loving? how is this resolving anything? how does this make us righteous?

let us embrace all of Everything. God/Goddess/the Universe/The Field/Universal Intelligence/The Divine/Consciousness exists everywhere, in everything. that includes Osama Bin Ladin. that includes George W. Bush. that includes "our" side and "their" side. that includes the lion and the lamb. it is all one thing experiencing itself. we can judge "right" and "wrong" all we like, but it only separates us further and holds us back from fully recognizing our True Selves.

so that's my two cents. i'm letting go of it now.

love.

jack of speed

2011-04-18T20:31:00.001-07:00

i have joined the local Roller Derby team in my town. it is so much fun! and i am super sore.

there's something very satisfying about being sore from exerting lots of physical energy doing something fun. tonight was my first practice, and i have been dubbed "Fresh Meat" for now. i like that :P

i had a mild epiphany during practice. i noticed i felt more stable the faster i was going, and it was easier to go around the bend without losing balance, because the momentum would keep me from falling. yes, going faster means that falling hurts more. but that's part of the game.

it's the same with life. when you get goin' at that really high, fast vibration, feeling really good and getting shit done... that feels great, and it is more stable. sure, if you let yourself get distracted, or you trip over some negative feeling, it will probably hurt worse than if you were plodding along at a steady rate of unhappiness, and then an unfortunate event presented itself to you... the latter would be like just another bump in the road.

but that's part of the game. you might get a few bruises. they'll heal. you just pick yourself up and keep on skating. at the end of the day, it is far more satisfying to be beaten-up and sore because you really played the game, than to feel comfortable and lazy, having never stretched your limits.

love!

clarity, clarity, and more clarity.

2011-04-12T22:52:00.000-07:00

tonight has brought clarity. my heart communicates in such a beautiful way to me. the more i listen, and heed its message, the closer i feel to mySelf. i feel love and respect for myself every time i listen and communicate from the center of my Heart.

my true desire: the relationship. THE relationship. i'm ready to be ready for this. i'm no longer willing to wade around in the land of in-between. i'm either in a relationship or i'm not. i would rather be "single" and celibate than mess around with boys that i know aren't ready for me. i am perfectly okay with being single for a while. it's getting easier and easier, and it's allowed my relationship with Me to become deeper and more Loving. this is bound to manifest as an outer relationship that reflects such Love and understanding. i am learning how to communicate with myself. this is preparation for when i will be communicating with another.

shall i describe him for you? well, you see... he is a lot like me, just with different genitalia :} he and i both know Who We Are and Why We Came (God... to have fun creating a physical life experience!). our intentions are complimentary and harmonious with one another. travel, film, art, socializing, and lovemaking... all this and much more... these are things we love to fill our lives with. we have fun making our way through life moment to moment, creating new vignettes and scenes that delight us in every way. sitting outside a coffee shop in amsterdam, smoking a joint and appreciating the sunlight... eating a nutella/banana crepe on the square by the eiffel tower... listening to americana music at a tavern in texas.... sitting on a rooftop under a full moon while a party rages in the apartment below. these are moments i imagine sharing with him. he and i both know that we do not make each other happy... that we are each individually connected to the Flow, and nothing the other says or does has the power to disconnect us from that Flow. but we've both explored the Darkness enough to be able to encourage the other in case we forget for a moment Who We Are and Why We Came. there is nothing we can't do. when i see him, i get the same feeling that i get when i'm about to go on stage; heart pounding, "this is it!" mind racing but simultaneously blank, pure excitement and thrill and Knowing and passion. there is no doubt when i look into his eyes. it is as if i am looking at my own Self... and indeed i am, for we "two" are actually One Spirit manifest in two avatars. he is thinking of me now... wondering when we'll meet, and i do my best to send my love and encouragement to him via his Connection; "i love you, and i look forward to meeting you... seek comfort in the Arms of your own Soul, for i am also there, and there is where we can rendezvous."

thank god for all the relationships that have "failed" in my past. truly, i was shown possibilities and was able to recognize what i don't want. i don't want aloofness and miscommunication. i don't want doubt and confusion. i don't want to speak and not be heard. i don't want bad sex! i don't want wishy-washy in-between bullshit. i don't want apathy. i don't want discordant intentions about money, expansion, travel, creation, or anything else that is important. i don't want short-lived, bitter-sweet, dream-like blips of relationships. what do i want? i want clarity and honesty. i want openness and trust. i want to be heard. i want to hear. i want to be on the same page. i want passion and intensity and lusty and divine physical contact. i want harmony of intentions. i want a man who wants to be rich, who wants to travel with me ASAP, who wants to play and create and explore every day with me. i want amazing, cosmic, mind-blowing, beyond orgasmic sex! and i want it all to come in the most beautiful package i've ever seen in my life. and i want it to last for as long as i'm using this DNA as the blueprint for my physical avatar. and i get to have all of this! the Universe has lined up for me the perfect fit for all that i've asked for in my years and years of contrasting experience. the Universe knows even better than i do what i've asked for over all of these years, and has cooked up somebody so magnificent and so ready for what i'm ready for... well there just aren't words to describe the deliciousness of this relationship. i sure have cooked up something wonderful :)

anywho, it's good to finally put that down into words and solidify it a bit. i'm ready to be ready. Inner Being, make me ready! help me be ready for this, and put me in the right place at the right time (as You always do). and help me let go in the meantime. help me relax and allow myself to feel Love for him Now. and help me to remember that all the Love i feel comes from You, and that nobody can replace You as my Source of happiness and security, no matter how pretty they are. thank you.

love!

heart-to-heart

2011-04-11T10:17:00.000-07:00

wow, i've really learned something amazing this week!

i had been feeling some interesting feelings, particularly with regards to relationships and sex. part of me feels a strong desire for it, and was willing to overlook any minor undesirable features (physically unattractive to me in some way, spiritually misaligned with me, intentionally misaligned with me, etc) in order to have what i thought i wanted NOW. all the while, my heart quietly twinged, waiting for me to listen to what it has to say. and it would become cacophony and confusion in my mind as i battled between having what i want NOW, and waiting until the energy is completely in alignment before allowing it to manifest.

so i was presented with a few choices this week. one choice was a potential romance with someone very physically beautiful, and very aligned with me in terms of consciousness. i knew as soon as i saw him the first time that i wasn't in alignment with a relationship, and so he couldn't be the one i was looking for in that department... but my mind tried to convince me that maybe over time things would change. the mind can be a real idiot sometimes. the heart always knows, in an unbiased way. needless to say, i spent about a month feeling confused and distraught by all of the feelings of "what if." finally i came to the conclusion that i clearly wasn't ready for a relationship, because if i was, i wouldn't feel confused. i asked him "what do you feel?" preparing myself to explain my feelings, i listened as he explained to me exactly what i was feeling, but from his perspective. we were on the exact same page.

oh the freedom!

i felt this amazing sensation of being lifted to a completely new level of self-awareness. i had listened to my heart and communicated from that space, and in making myself vulnerable in that way, i actually became stronger and healthier. my trust in my own intuition became stronger. my heart opened and softened. and i felt the confusion lift.

next, some opportunities for sex came to me. one of them just kept not working out, and i figured out pretty early on that this was for a good reason. he ended up communicating to me that he wasn't big on jumping into sex. i laughed when he texted me this, because i already knew it wasn't going to happen, but i was relieved to find out why.

then a friend of mine asked me if i would be interested in practicing tantra with him. i said yes, although i felt the tiniest grain of a question in my heart. but my desire overrode it, and we began making plans. the wonderful thing about intuition is that, if you don't hear it when it's the tiniest grain of a question, it will stay there and get louder, and the more you pull against it the louder it will get. finally, last night, i felt like my mind was roaring with confusion. i decided to take a walk and ask my heart what was going on. i just talked aloud to myself and explained to myself that i didn't want him. i wasn't attracted to him, and that was that. that was it. it was such a simple little thing... a preference. i wanted something different, and even though i knew it would feel good to have sex again, it wouldn't feel right in my heart if i ignored my own desires.

desire is something that many people are confused about in this day and age. on one side, we have a mainstream world that is consumed by desire, thinking that the craving within can be satiated by the next shiny object, the next hot body, the next good party. but that craving within is not a craving for physical stimulation. it is a craving for connection to the All That Is. this connection cannot be achieved by buying anything or going anywhere or doing anything in particular, although flashes of this connection can be felt in the midst of a great conversation, or while dancing, or making art, or whatever else suits your fancy. but those are fleeting, and if you cannot feel the connection all the time, then you're left craving what you think is bringing you happiness (the action) when really, your happiness comes from being connected (however accidentally or intentionally).

connection to Source/God/All That Is/Whatever you want to call it, comes from being still and going within oneself and finding that silent island. there, you ask the question, and the answer comes forth from the abyss around you.

but there is another side of desire that we ignore. when we figure out that we have been consumed by physical desire, and that connection was what we were seeking all along, many of us tend to reject the physical world completely. we say "oh i shouldn't desire that, it won't make me happy. i'll just forget about it." on one level that is true... that physical thing won't make you happy, but if you are happy already, you are allowed to partake in the physical world and relish its delights. there is a reason desire is there. desire is born within us from the Divine. desire is what pulls us towards where we are meant to Be. desire is a Divine communication, and to ignore it is blasphemy.

i have strong and beautiful Desires. i have a Desire for a mate who is not only aligned with me consciously, spiritually, and intentionally, but is also physically beautiful in all the ways that delight my eyes and hands and body. i want the full package, and there is a Reason for this. to deny my own Desire is to deny the communication my Large Loving GodSelf is giving to me. to rationalize and say "oh well he's not that good-looking to me, but he's sweet, he deserves a chance... i shouldn't be so shallow..." is to judge my own connection with the Divine. everyone has a Desire that can be matched by the Universe. that includes EVERYONE. everyone's physical preferences can be met.

from now on, i'm not settling for anything that is less than what makes my heart sing. i have high standards and i deserve to have those standards met. we all do. i am laying claim to my Divine Inheritance. my Kingdom of Heaven is my own Creation, and i get to design it and choose the way it looks and feels and tastes and smells. i have already Created this Kingdom, and i am its Queen. all is well in this land, so long as i listen to the advisor that rests within my own HEART.

love!

the fear

2011-04-04T19:23:00.000-07:00

ever since i started doing Divine Openings, i've been changing internally at such a rapid rate that it's almost hard to comprehend. oddly enough, time has taken a different form... it feels stretchier than before. it seems to slow down so that each day and each week is very long, and i have more time to expand and develop, so that by the end of one week i have transitioned drastically.

yesterday was very interesting. a few days of low emotion and some confusion were leading up to it, and i was doing (what i thought was) my best to feel and allow the emotions. but really, i was forgetting to go within and feel feel feel feel FEEL. i had gotten caught up in a web of old stories and i couldn't escape! yesterday began beautifully... i woke up before 6 am and went out for a nice morning stroll with my dog. i enjoyed the brisk air and the sunrise and the birds chirping. i even saw my first cardinal of the year! (i love cardinals)

however, when i got back home, i started feeling sleepy again. so i decided it wouldn't hurt to take a nap. well i went to sleep and i woke up around 1 or 2 feeling completely depressed. then my mind began attaching all kinds of non-existent dramas to the depression, making it feel so much worse. i felt like i had no friends (false) and like i was completely unloved. i felt like my life was worthless and going nowhere (false false false), and that i was failing at all that i sought to succeed in. i even began daydreaming of suicide, which i hadn't done in over a year. i wondered if having a taste of death would give me a new appreciation for life. i fantasized about sitting on the back porch with a razor, listening to the birds and breathing in the cool spring air as i drifted out. i just allowed these thoughts and feelings to come in, but soon i began worrying about myself. i grasped and pleaded, trying to get ahold of friends who might be able to soothe me. not hearing back from them, i began to feel even lonelier and abandoned. i sat in a bar drinking water, crying all alone.

i finally reached the bottom, fully realizing that i was creating this experience, and telling myself this story which was hurting me so much. i prayed for my Inner Being to help me stop creating this story and begin to create a new one.

soon, the loneliness lifted. riding my bike home, i began to feel angry. "fuck it! fuck all those people! if they don't want to help me when i need help, then they can go fuck themselves because i deserve love god dammit! fuck all of it, i'll be my own friend."

i went back out to my porch and sat, listening to music and singing, and feeling irritated at my mom for trying to cheer me up (lol). then, as i was dipping a tortilla chip into some guacamole she had made, i suddenly felt lucid. it was as though i had been walking around in my sleep all day, and i was now aware of the moment i was in. everything felt okay. i still hadn't heard from my friends, but that was ok. i just sat and enjoyed the music i listened to, the view from my back porch, and the chips and guacamole. i went inside and watched House. then i watched Yes Man (which is hilarious and made me feel a hundred times better).

then, i tuned in to what i thought would be Whose Line Is It Anyway?? only to find a program by Joel Osteen. part of me wanted to immediately flip to something different, because i knew this was going to be something cheesy and religious. but something deeper told me to stay and listen, so i did. the entire service given by this man was uplifting, empowering, and beautiful. his face glowed as he spoke his Truth. i was moved to tears several times by the examples he gave of humans uplifting each other and helping each other succeed. and by the end, i found out that this was a Born Again Christian pastor i had been listening to. i really felt my heart open.

today my energy feels like calm water. i'm not moving up, and i'm not being pulled under. i'm just being, and i'm grateful to be at peace. the conclusion i have made from yesterday was that if i try to resist feeling, by trying to run away from my center and hide behind friends, television, facebook, and my stories... i'll only end up hurting more and more until all of those things abandon me so that i have nowhere else to hide. it is so hilarious! i got a text message later at night, after i was finally feeling much better, from one of my friends saying that he'd been busy and had only just gotten the message i'd sent asking for someone to talk to. and today, i found out that the other friend i had texted (with a whole bunch of drama and silliness) hadn't even gotten any of the messages until this morning, because his phone had died. my Inner Being knew that what i needed was silence and inner-diving, not more drama and talk and stories and "poor me" bullshit.

i intend to remember this the next time some emotion comes up. i intend for it to be easy to let go and surrender to the feeling of it. i intend for my new story to create itself easily in my mind, and i intend for it to be easy to let go of the old stories i've been carrying around. i'm ready for this. bring it on!

love.

curiosity

2011-03-07T19:10:00.000-08:00

i feel a tenuous invitation

take a gentle step forward

feeling

inching

opening

gradually allowing

what's inside

to become what's outside

is it safe?

yes.

poke your head out

look around

and next time

stand firmly

let the waters wash over

blow through the body

now is the time to say yes

yes i surrender

yes i accept this Gift

yes i trust You

yes, thank You.

ebb

2011-02-20T20:18:00.000-08:00

it's been a while since i've talked about relationships. mostly because for most of my life, relationships have felt confusing at best.

well i've met someone, and i have no idea where it will lead me. i'm feeling that old familiar vibration. it feels like a cocktail of longing, timidness, quiet desperation, and complete terror. i've been carrying this vibration around with me for a long time, and i'm realizing how heavy it is. i don't want to carry this around anymore. i'm ready to give it up, and let in a new vibration.

as a human, i can't physically see the vibration or move it with my hands. but as a human, i can feel, and allow my larger, non-physical self to take care of the rest. these feelings are just Me telling myself where i pinched off my own flow of Power. in many areas, my Power blasts through me like water through a fire hose. in the area of romance, it's more like a garden hose with some kinks in it. but i'm ready for that to shift, and i'm ready to feel this as it's coming to me.

it's almost like we, as humans, romanticize the idea of being lonely. even when we are in relationships, we long to "own" something we know we can never possess. it's like we are searching for God, but we put our lover's face over the place of God, and we obsess and pine and reach, trying to feel oneness with this being outside of ourselves. and being outside of ourselves, we never find what we are looking for.

here is a prayer, for those of us who have felt this vibration and wish for freedom: may we find the strength within ourselves to accept the fullness of God's Love, even though it is so much bigger than anything we imagine we want from someone else.

i love you all.

breakthroughs, the Art of Allowing, and my new Immortality Account

2011-02-15T20:43:00.001-08:00

i really just had a breakthrough, folks.

life change doesn't happen magically, out of thin air. it's not like one day things are going terribly and the next day everything falls into place. the Art Of Allowing isn't about just sitting by and dreaming up a someday scenario to have it suddenly fall into your lap next week.

the Art Of Allowing is about relaxing into Who I Am Now. and knowing that Who I Am Now is a progressive unfolding. i'm further along than i was last year, and i still have much more that i want to be. i know that i will be in a vastly different place next year, even next week.

first the energy lines up within. you begin to value yourself more. you begin to appreciate the subtle inner experience. this last year has gone by without much change in my physical setting or situation. but every week i feel i have transformed so much that i feel like "a lot is going on." i've felt so busy inside, and it's taken a lot of focus and rest and patience and self-soothing. but recently i've been taking decisive action towards my goals.

a couple of main goals of mine are greater physical health and beauty, and greater wealth. now, i had been wanting to begin a regular yoga practice for a while, but i just didn't FEEL like it. and i felt a little guilty for not being more disciplined or whatever. but now i recognize that the energy wasn't lined up yet. now the energy is so lined up that not going to yoga class feels like a worse decision than going, even if i am 5 minutes late (which used to be an excuse for me not to go... "oh, i don't want to interrupt, or embarrass myself, or whatever"). my health is so worth it to me that i am determined to take action that is in alignment with that goal.

the next one is wealth. all this time, i have been wanting it to fall into my lap. i wanted to win the lottery or just somehow manifest some chunk of cash that would solve all of my problems. this is a very subtle victim vibration, because it alludes to the idea that "i can't do it through normal, entrepreneurial ways, like many of the wealthiest people have. i just want the universe to make it easy for me so i can just go on vacation." well let me tell you, winning the lottery may be fun, i don't know. but i can definitely feel that it will be so much more gratifying to really create my wealth through my own means and my own innovation and resources. and i am doing just that. my magazine, illuminatedMag, is gaining so much momentum that it just bubbles up so much excitement within me! i finally feel like this could really be a lucrative endeavor for me, one of many. and if you haven't heard of Dr. John F. Demartini, listen up, because he is one smart motherfucker. this action feels so good and strong to me right now that i don't care how crazy it sounds, i'm doing it. he says in his book How To Make One Hell of A Profit and Still Get To Heaven, that in order to demonstrate to the universe that you value yourself and believe you are worthy of material riches, PAY YOURSELF FIRST.

this seems simple, and it is ridiculously so. this is almost like tithing, but way better. since most of my inspiration comes from within, and a tithe is usually defined as 10% of your income going to the place where you receive your spiritual food (inspiration), tithing always felt a little off to me, and i practiced it on and off. but Dr. Demartini says to create a savings account, and take a portion off the top of your income every month (BEFORE you pay for anything else, including bills, employees, food, etc), and put it in this savings account. this is your "Immortality Account" and it is un-spendable to you as a human. this is GodSelf's money, and it stays in that account forever. But the amazing thing is, as we all know, money attracts more money. "the rich get richer, the poor get poorer." it's actually a Cosmic Law. so you're building this Immortality Account and it's getting bigger and bigger, and drawing more and more money to it, which means it's drawing more and more money to YOU. and the higher the percentage you put in, the faster it grows, and the more money you receive.

i've been spending the last year intending for my money vibration to raise, and for a long time it felt like nothing was happening. then i decided "fuck it! i have a low money vibration! so what? is it going to kill me? no, it's not. it's just annoying for the time being. so be it." and i accepted it. i even started saying sarcastic affirmations like "i'm never going to be rich, i'm just going to be poor forever and i'll always have to live with my dad and i'll never have nice things, etc." all the things i was worried about believing or thinking that i thought would block me from getting the money i wanted. and saying them sarcastically in my head just made me laugh, because i've come to the point where i honestly don't believe them. i even encouraged more and more sarcastic affirmations for a while and it really lightened my mood! gave me hope!

then i picked up that book and skimmed the table of contents, found a chapter called "The Spiritual Laws of Saving" and felt the hugest YES i have felt in a long time. i feel a renewed sense of enthusiasm and optimism regarding my finances. i feel empowered to create my OWN wealth! i am so excited!

another point on the breakthroughs... there is no such thing as instant gratification. the more instant it is, the less gratifying the experience. have you ever wanted an instant orgasm? or would you rather enjoy a long and sensual climb to the peak, and then a gentle glide down into a satiated lull? this point in time doesn't carry my perfectly healthy, acne-free, energy-filled body. but there is a point in time that does, and i'm lining up with it energetically first, and then by taking the inspired action that is appropriate. someday i will eat and care for my body according to my ayurvedic doshas. but not immediately. i'm not ready yet. i will be, and i'll know when the action is appropriate. until then, i'm gonna enjoy eating food that might give me indigestion.

love and many breakthroughs for you my fine fellows!

poems on a january morning

2011-01-27T00:18:00.000-08:00

in the stillness of the winter night

a girl

My girl

sends Me her Wishes

brilliant flame of Intention

giving away more than her Location

I accept into my Beingness

her adorable Command

and joyously do her bidding

I exist for nothing but to Serve Her

my Darling Creation

she need not do anything for my Love

for her simple existence brings me

such fascination and ecstasy

and spurs me to whisper

Sweet Everythings directly

into each and every cell

of her gloriously constructed avatar

she is wondrous to Behold

I Know

I have Beheld her for all of Existence

**********************************

dear Godself

you are like the essence

of every flower

and tree

and plant

combined into

the sweetest perfume ever mixed

with one mysterious undertone

on which i can almost put my finger

and if i heard the name i would know it

but i am certain there is no name

that can describe

God's Perfume.

******************************

i feel you Engulf me

my senses tingle

as if extra Voltage

suddenly travels through

my nerve fibers

my molecules

my atoms

as though the empty space

between the electrons

is no longer empty

but filled to the brim

with something yet unmeasured

****************************

every day, God makes Love to my lungs

****************************

love

happy january :D

2011-01-24T18:29:00.001-08:00

it's been a long ass time since i wrote anything here. this is the first post of the new year :)

i just shaved my head. i have been in texas for 2 weeks, and just arrived home by train this evening. i'm really happy to be home. i'm really happy to know that this is my home.

i've surprised myself. i dug my roots into this funny little town, and now i'm determined to zap the life back into it. part of the reason i was in austin, tx, was to pick up on the vibration of that city, and perhaps bring some of it back to my hometown.

i love it here. and soon, most people will agree with me. i am especially excited about the next 5 to 10 years. things are unfolding rapidly (energetically). i can feel big things lurking in the energetic shadows, ready to pop out and delight me and everyone around me!

well, i don't know what else to write today, so i'll leave it at that. i intend to write more often this year.

love!

letters from the captain

2010-11-25T21:59:00.001-08:00

this town is like an old shipwreck. there's treasure buried here, and haunted legends keep most of the divers away. but i ain't scared. i know that treasure is worth enough to set a thousand more ships a-sailing 'cross a crystal blue sea of glorious, God-filled potential. i'm goin' in after it.

i walk the streets and see the faces of sad and broken stories. my heart swells with compassion for their forgetful, frightened minds. they are Divine, too. but like a foot that's been sat on for too long, they've forgotten Who they are connected with. so i smile, knowing Who I Am, because that's the best i can do for these beautiful creatures. maybe they'll remember to look in the mirror.

sometimes i forget my own Connection. it's then that i become distressed, and feel the weight of the world on my tiny human shoulders. how can one woman with such grand desires ever fulfill herself and comfort the world at the same time? she can't. just as it's not possible for one heart cell to pump all the blood to the rest of the human body, one human being cannot bring love to the entirety of man. but she can love her God, and through her, God can love her creation. and maybe, just maybe, her love will be more contagious than swine flu. and love is not just airborne. you and i, our hearts are talking to each other, even though we don't even know each other. even if you're on the other side of the planet from me, my heart is sending electromagnetic pulses in a radius that spans the entire globe and out into the universe.

talk about collective consciousness.

what if you only loved your family. purely and unabashedly gave each of your family members love and appreciation in every moment you were together. and the hearts of you and your family beat in the rhythm of the love of God. and that rhythm was pulsed out to each and every heart on this planet. and someone in another corner of the world had a heart that picked up on that Holy Rhythm, and suddenly became inspired to go home and love his family. do you see where this leads?

it begins with the simplest gesture of openness. when we were little, we remembered that it was safe to love everyone. so we did. but our parents got scared and punished us and told us that some people are not okay to love. they told us that we ourselves are not okay to love. it's not their fault though, because once upon a time, they were also little ones who remembered the wonders of loving everyone. and they were also born into families that were scared.

but you can be the beginning of a new pattern. you can fill yourself with love.

oh they'll call you selfish. they'll think you're a little wacky. but it feels so good that you won't care what they think, because you'll have compassion for them. because you remember what it felt like to be afraid of love. and you remember that ultimately, everyone only wants to love. it's what makes us the most Human.

we love.

you are safe here. because God is here, and God is taking care of everything for you. you don't need to worry anymore. you don't need to make anything happen. God is doing it all.

i am finding the treasure. i find pieces of it every day. i don't see a shipwreck anymore. i see the most magnificent future anyone could conceive of. and i have God on my side. i know the future is certain to be magnificent.

love.

it's been a while

2010-11-17T10:28:00.000-08:00

i haven't written anything in a while. i've been journaling, but nothing for public view. however public this is.

scorpio is a time of transformations. shedding the old to make space for the brand new. allowing what doesn't serve you to fall away, while having the knowing that what does serve you will come in to take its place.

transformation can be a turbulent time for those who don't recognize it as transformation time. things fall apart in this time. you might get fired from your job. your mate might leave you. other things may go all to hell. these things that go "wrong" are part of the exoskeleton you are shedding. you no longer fit in that exoskeleton. trust that this is what is happening, and don't resist the changes the universe is making in your life. things will sort themselves out. but the more you resist, the longer it will take for Source to bring you what you need. just give the steering wheel over to the Larger Forces, and trust that what becomes of life will be more to your liking than you can imagine.

"negative" emotions may arise at this time. don't resist or judge them. don't punish yourself for feeling them. you wouldn't punish yourself for seeing red and orange, rather than only purple and blue. you know that these colors are just different frequencies of the same energy. red is light moving at a slower rate than purple. but it's ultimately the same thing.

well the same goes for "negative" and "positive" emotions. they are both of value, because they are both showing you how close you are to being who you REALLY are. who you really are, who you were when you first came into this world, is a joyful, excited, loving being. the reason why children are so wonderful to be around is because they remind us of who we REALLY ARE. we un-learned our natural way of being. and so many people are used to living in a state of less-than-bliss, because they think it's normal. i do it too. well, i don't think it's normal, but it's a habit.

anyway, when emotions come up during times of transformation, feel them, and allow them to be released. don't push them away or condemn them or argue with them or convince yourself to feel otherwise. and don't perpetuate a story to back up the emotion. just feel the emotion and notice it like you would notice the color of a flower, or the feeling of water on your hand. notice what it feels like, and let it go when it's ready to go.

likewise, physical things may need to be released. right now i am in the process of cleaning my room. and i mean CLEANING MY ROOM. i used to have a habit of saving little odds and ends just for the hell of it. now i'm finding that my life is cluttered with all this crap that doesn't belong here. i'm going through all of it and getting rid of probably 80%.

don't be afraid of letting all of these things go. as a mass consciousness, we have trained ourselves into a mindset of scarcity. we fear letting go of physical things because "what if i can't get more?" it's the mindset that underlies much of the over-eating problem in this country. "clean your plate, there are children in africa who are starving." well those children in africa have nothing to do with how full my stomach is, do they? if i'm full, i'm full, and i don't need to be eating any more.

notice what no longer serves you. i quit smoking weed because the more i do it, the worse i feel, mentally and physically. i'm not condemning the use of marijuana, but i have used it enough in my life. it no longer serves me. and i have no qualms about letting that habit go.

when you are trusting enough to let go of the old, the new is allowed to come in and replace it. and the new will take forms that you may not have ever imagined. new friends will come along to replace the ones you no longer vibe with. new pastimes will come into your awareness and will fill the time that the old pastimes once filled.

there is no judgement here. "old" is not "bad." and don't make judgements on yourself for having things, people, or habits in your life that others may have released. what serves me is different from what serves you. just because i quit smoking doesn't mean you're required to. it doesn't make me better than you, or vice versa. it's just a difference in preference. you don't need to push away things you think are bad for you. release things when they are ready to be released. there's no rush, and there's nothing to be afraid of. no matter what, you're alright!

i hope this brings clarity for those of you who are reading this. big things are happening at this time on our planet. if you are watching the "news," you'll notice that things are falling apart at a faster and faster rate. people seem to be panicking and freaking out more than ever. if you'll recognize that this is a large-scale transformation, and apply what i've said about your personal life to the larger scope, you'll come to a place of calm understanding that things are just shifting around. we have so many people on this planet, contributing to the mass consciousness of the world we live in. there is a lot that has to be shifted. there is a very big exoskeleton that needs to be shed. but the brand new creature that is emerging from that exoskeleton is glorious to behold, and better than anyone can conceive of right now. just have trust in that and ride this wave. don't get caught up in the fearful stories. just ride through this energy and you'll see, big things are moving into place as you read this. and it's all very very good :)

love!

november brings new awareness

2010-11-01T16:14:00.000-07:00

it's november already! whew, i sure have been sprinting through time and space. it seems like just yesterday i was angstily waiting for spring to bring me out of hibernation.

time is relative.

i haven't written much in a while. it feels like i've been doing a lot. energetically, i've been busy. and i feel really good! i've been flying lately! these last few weeks have been spectacular!

friday is my birthday! hoorayyyyy! i love birthdays! it's an excuse to celebrate myself! i am turning 21 this year, and i am making my part as classy and awesome as possible. i have a phish cover band playing, wine and cheese, cupcakes, and a tarot reader! yes! classy attire (including a tiara for moi!). i just love extravagance sometimes, and ridiculousness, and fun. i love throwing parties. i love bringing people together to have fun. it's what humans are best at.

i've been noticing my patterns of self-criticism and perfectionism. because i am so attentive to detail, since detail is what makes a good character/scene/plot good, i have a habit of picking on myself for my "imperfections." i bite hangnails and pick at blemishes on my skin. i kick myself internally whenever i misspeak or step on someone's toes or "sound stupid." i am a lot more self conscious than i thought, and it seems to have increased since i became more aware of the goings-on in my mind. perhaps it's just the awareness that seems to have magnified it. either way, i am now allowing myself to let go of those self-critical patterns that are holding me back from feeling the best about Who I Really Am.

when i criticize myself, i feel bad. not because it's true. not because i need to work on myself and make myself better. i feel bad because there is a vibrational discord in the energy of the criticizing thought, and the perspective that Source takes. Source sees me as a glorious being, with gifts and talents beyond measure. Source finds me to be beautiful in every way. Source loves every single cell of my body, every word that comes from my mouth, every neuron that fires in my brain. Source folds me into its loving embrace in every moment. when i know this, my heart sings. my nerves tingle. my spirit soars! when i deny this, i feel the gap as negative emotion.

i'm thankful for my growing awareness of Source's infinite Love for all that I Am.

first a pumpkin patch, then an old fellow high school student?

2010-10-12T18:42:00.000-07:00

another weird dream coincidence today...

i had a dream that these girls brought in a huge pita bread (HUGE, like 6 feet in diameter) and they unfolded it on the ground, and i was like WHOA! who made that? and one of them said "katie r. made it" and i was like "oh." then today at work, katie r. comes in and orders a chai latte and i'm like DUDE! you were in my dream last night! and she was like "uh..." (hahaha, the relationship between us in high school, where we knew each other, was zilch... i knew who she was, she knew who i was, but we didn't talk at all, and i hadn't seen her since graduation).

anyway, i thought it was funny, not only because she is random person to have in my dream, but that she just as randomly showed up at my work RIGHT when i was there!

lol.

i had a great success coaching session with matthew ashdown (http://www.matthewashdown.com/) and i am so excited for more! what a sweet dude!

i feel like life is unfolding magnificently, and it's getting easier and easier to trust in that greater Order, and allow it to be. :D

anyway, i don't have much fluffy stuff to say right now, i just wanted a record of my dream synchronicity.

love!

it's 10/10/10

2010-10-10T18:49:00.000-07:00

well, it's october 10, 2010. that means by the time i post this, it will be 10:10 on 10/10/10

it's my mom's birthday today, and she turned 55. her birthday was 10/10/55. pretty awesome numerology there, huh?

hehe

so far, it's been a great month! many things are manifesting, not just for me, but for a lot of friends of mine. it's also been a very intense month, emotionally and energetically. it's difficult to explain... but it's not just me. several of my friends have reported similar feelings to mine: oscillations between sheer joy, to overwhelming emotion that seems to have no logical reason. it's beautiful, and it's strange, and it's exciting. i'm so thrilled to see what is coming. i can feel that big things are ready to pop! it feels very much like i imagine a pregnancy would feel... i am just waiting for the universe to give birth to all the amazing manifestations that are incubating right now. and i am feeling excited, just like an expectant mother would.

last night i dreamed that my neighbors approached me and told me about a place where you could get pumpkins for one dollar each. then today, my sister and i went to the mall to get a birthday gift for my mother, and on the way back (taking the scenic route) we came right up to a pumpkin place that had a big ol' sign that said "Pumpkins $1!" we cracked up, because i had told her about the dream, and she had said "there's a place somewhere around here that has pumpkins for cheap... but i don't know where it is." she has just started driving, so i was giving her directions, and at one point we came to an intersection and i didn't know which way was fastest to go home, but there were two signs, and one pointed to a town that was familiar to me, and i knew how to get home from there. so i said "let's go right." and about a mile down that road was the pumpkin patch! we were so thrilled, we stuck an extra dollar in the box (after we folded them all into little origami hearts, of course).

also, it was a beautiful day! incredibly warm, especially for october. it was warm even for august or july! fall is going to be a slow and languid transition this year. that's fine by me. many people are very anxious that we haven't had a frost yet.... "it's global warming! it's fucked up!" but i believe that everything in this world is in its perfect place, including the temperature. i'm not justifying polluting the environment or anything... but i have faith in a much larger force, and i am giving up my worries to that force, knowing that it can handle these comparatively small problems. when more of us are able to do this... to release this anxiety and fear... then we will find the planet is amazingly capable of bringing herself into balance.

i'm so very thankful to be living on this planet, in this body, at this time. it's amazing to witness the things that are happening right now. i am so excited for what is coming, and i am so appreciative of the value of past challenges. and i know that i am in the right place. everything is arranging itself for my greatest happiness and growth, as well as yours and everyone else's.

thank you for choosing to come to this planet, to help create a glorious experience of love and peace, the likes of which humanity has yet to see. we are blessed to have you join us.

happy 10/10/10 everybody! it's not gonna happen again for another 1000 years (and who knows, by then we may not have numbers assigned to months and years...)

love!

trees don't drink coffee

2010-09-24T10:02:00.000-07:00

golden tears

fill the sky

from rooted Beings

joyously moving on

to the next stage of life

never looking back

always moving on

into the next season

whatever it may bring

Trusting in the Goodness

the Rightness

ultimate Patience

tranquility

and all around

mobile beings

seeking

searching

hunger for something more

blindly ignoring

the Gentle Giants

and their Teaching

everything anyone seeks

is right here

right now

no need to worry

just Breathe it in

the Eternal Love of Life

2010-09-20T03:43:00.000-07:00

once upon a time, a girl loved her Life

and Life loved her

Life loved the girl so much

every day, He did his best

to show His love for her

He brought her flowers

she smelled them

and loved them

He brought her gifts

of shells

and stones

and trees

and the greatest gift of all

a glorious Body

in which she played

and explored Life

together they were happy

then, one day, Life brought to the girl

a beautiful boy to play with

this boy loved Life, too

and together they laughed

and Life loved them both

but soon

too soon

the day came

when the boy had to go a different way

saying, "i love you

but i love Life more

and i cannot change my Life

for you."

and with him gone

the girl was saddened

"Life is worthless

without him"

she said

still, Life brought her flowers

and kissed her face with the wind

but she turned away from Him

and slept long in the quiet of her room

and cried, her heart breaking

"i loved him more than Life itself!"

she lamented

but Life chuckled to himself

and still he brought her flowers

and even as she breathed

the air he gave her

every second

she cried

and mourned her loss

"he was my one true love!"

sorrow filled her very being

she could not find the strength

to lift her head

from the pillow of depression

she wished Life would just

go away

He was so persistent

and all she wanted was the boy

but Life knew that she would Remember

and so He still gave her flowers

and breathed his Life Breath into her

and kissed her face with the warmth of the sun

and rejoiced in her being

for He only had eyes for her

He loved her for eternity

and even as she scoffed

at His miraculous Gifts

still He loved her even more

then, after much time had passed

weeks?

months?

years?

she couldn't remember

suddenly she recalled

a dream

in which she was filled with love

for Life itself

the memory flooded her mind

and heart

and Life said "i love you

and always have

and even as you cried

and railed against Me

still i cradled you in my Eternal Embrace

i love you, dear one.

we are mates for all of Existence."

love filled her being

for she realized then and there

that her One True Love

was Life itself

and He was never gone from her

and never would be

He surrounded her

and engulfed her

she breathed Him in

and drank of His sweet nectar

sang His songs

and celebrated His beauty

and her voice rang out

"i love Life more than anything!"

and she greeted the new dawn

with a passion

she had never known

for any boy

in particular.

her honesty

2010-09-16T23:52:00.000-07:00

you really want to know

the depths of my Being?

do you really want to

hear the honest-to-Goddess

Truth

of my experience of You?

to whom are you speaking?

i am but a reflection

and somehow you noticed

a part of yourself

so beautiful you couldn't look away

and you asked It for the Truth

because you knew that

the Truth

is Who I Am

it's why you cannot resist

the glint of my Vision Globe

that soft machine

transmitter

of so much more than prisms

it's not as stark and impersonal

as you think

you don't remember? really?

you haven't lied awake and told yourself

"there has to be something i'm forgetting...

this can't be it, i remember there being

something more to it..."

like that feeling you might get

on a lucky occasion

while sleeping

dreaming

and suddenly you remember

you have another life

beyond this bizarre and

sensational Realm

this isn't real

i'm creating this

i remember Now

so.

the Truth.

the Truth is, i love you.

yes, i am talking about you

particular.

and i know you love me

because nobody does anything

other than Love.

it's a Verb.

it's a state of Being.

and something in me

is oh so curious

to watch you wake up to that

and know it for yourself

and rejoice in it with me

go ahead

take your time

i can wait for eternity.

inevitably unstoppable

2010-09-15T05:00:00.000-07:00

My mind has a fear

that if I allow myself

to feel this Love

I will soon be hurting

for they say

“love doesn't last.”

but my heart

doesn't remember hurt

and now it's too late

the seeds of passion

have taken root

in the crevasses

and the memory of your face

is the sunlight that nourishes

the sprout

of a glorious tree

waiting in the future

for you to climb it

and pick its fruit.

home

2010-09-14T22:25:00.000-07:00

What is my favorite flower

to smell?

Your hair, of course

thick and dark

sweet and full of life

kissing my nose

with innocence and honesty.

Where is my favorite place on the shore

overlooking the ocean

deep and wide?

Before your eyes, without a doubt;

allowing my ship

to be carried away

by the ever-beckoning

rhythmic pulling

of emotion.

Which is my favorite light of day:

the cool diamond light

of the gibbous moon

by the fireside

where fairies

dance to the beat of drums?

Or the sparkle of buttery

sunshine smiling through

the dew on a

spider web on a branch

by a river?

Both are lovely,

but, when viewed

with You,

made a thousand times

lovelier

by light of your Glow.

Of what does the sound

of my favorite birdsong

remind me?

The sweet, gentle drawl

of your tabacco-soaked

voice

as you tell me your story

through softly snarling lips.

In the crook of what tree

would I love to sit

to read all day

and sing Love's songs

to the shade of the branches

overhead?

In the bend of your arm

and the curve of your waist

is where I find

the most comfortable

patch of bark.

What is my favorite

hill

to climb

and look out over

the forest below?

The slope of your

right eyebrow

must be, by far

the most delightful

to my eyes and feet.

And where is the key

that unlocks the gate

to this glorious paradise

where the seeds of my dreams

are planted and nurtured?

Well I'll tell you alone

that I've put it away

in the most silent

and sacred

place in my heart

in a wooden box

with flowers on the top.

beside the fire

2010-09-13T20:10:00.000-07:00

"you're blushing, Hyena,"

he smirked

as he sipped sensuously

at his hand-rolled cigarette

she beamed at him

with brown eyes wide

heart pounding with a

Knowing deep from within

she had caught a glimpse

from the corner of her eye

but dared not look

for she knew their souls

recognized each other

but she first Asked

"is it him?

could it possibly be?"

and she felt the Answer

a joyful, swirling mass of

"YES!

We are here! I am your

Soul Mate, and always

have been! I have always

loved you. I have never

been far. I am peeking

out through the eyes of

all you see here

and i can manifest in

any one you Choose."

and she rejoiced

in this Knowing

and silently told her

SoulMate

"I love you so much

my heart is fit

to burst

i wish to bestow

this feeling

into the heart

of everyone i meet

and if You should

never manifest

into one beautiful

Being, i would

not mourn

for i Know

of your Love

for me

and feel it so strongly.

surely i shall feel this

Full

Always."

and she turned to him

eyes bright

shining with

the Love of her SoulMate

and in his eyes

she recognized herSelf

shining back at her

and she knew he was

The One of her Choosing

she Knew that her

SoulMate

had come down

from the Heavens

to possess the beautiful body

of a boy

with a porkpie hat

and a crooked nose

and a smooth, nasal drawl

and a slouch of the hip

and a twenty-minute-long

cigarette

and the lips of an angel

he asked her for her middle name

he told her his pet peeve:

silent letters in useless places

like the "l" in "salmon"

which happened to be

his favorite color.

spontaneous poems written on some coffee shop napkins

2010-08-26T22:43:00.000-07:00

there is no need for such sad

puppy dog eyes

do you need an apology

to make you feel better?

it will be no better than an aspirin

or a good bong rip

eventually the pain will come back

in some form or another

and you'll wonder to yourself

"why is this happening again?

it feels so familiar

it seems i know nothing else..."

love is not what we shared

love is what happens when

you are so in love with yourSelf

that nobody else matters

and when two people

so full of love for themselves

come together

that is when sparks fly

i don't want anything less

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i have been told i am "full of myself"

duh!

who else am i supposed to be full of?

who are you trying to fill yourself with?

not me, i hope.

you wouldn't like leftovers

especially when your own Self

so fresh and beautiful

tastes so much more delicious

than anything i could offer you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

the moon is a big pink mirror

reflecting back my one prayer

to know myself

to hear the truth

to love All That Is

but what happens after the moon wanes away?

where does that prayer go?

off into the darkness

to the end of the universe?

or does it disperse

into the ether

dissolving like sugar in a cup of black coffee

perhaps to come back to me tomorrow

through the eyes of some bystander...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ode To A Chocolate Strawberry Milkshake

if only you could have lasted a little bit longer

so sweet

filling my experience with flavor

i try to deny

that my cup will soon be empty

but when the annoying

oh so obnoxious

sound of wet air

slurps through my straw

i cannot fool either of us further

O, plastic cup

you have nothing more to offer me

is it so crass

to throw you in the trash?

there will be more milkshakes in my future

but you were delicious while you lasted.

i am the summer

2010-08-26T22:42:00.000-07:00

i am the buzz of a cicada
which sings to itself
on a lonely prairie
of maple bark
shaded by the green solar panels

i am the squawk of a blue jay
cacophonous and persistent
a trickster
hidden in the bushes in front of your house

i am the tickle of an ant
crawling across the smooth expanse
of your left foot
searching for something
anything
that may be of use to the Colony

i am the Secret
which the wind
whispers into the ear of an oak tree
passed down through the generations
and heard by One
who remembers how to Listen

i am the flutter in the heart
of a child of twenty one
who hears the call of Spirit
and questions whether she has heard
anything at all

i am the sizzle of an onion on a hot grill
i am the chirp of a cardinal calling to its mate
i am a lonesome dobro in an empty cafe
i am a piece of cherry pie shared with a stranger on a rainy day
i am a puddle undernieth a swing while a rainbow stands guard just beyond the pine trees
i am a molecule in a sea of orange that gods call "marigold"
i am a crow shitting unabashedly on the heads of passers by
i am the song of rain on a canopy of leaves as two gods sit below
discussing their Creation

day of creation

2010-08-18T14:08:00.001-07:00

today is a little bit lazy for me. i'm feeling good, i'm having fun imagining my life the way i want it to be. i'm loving my creation. i'm feeling a relaxed expectation.

it's a little bit rainy and gloomy outside, so i'm sort of lounging about... i'll snooze and read tarot cards for a little bit, and then i'll ride my bike around and look at things. i have fun riding my bike! i live in such a beautiful town, there are so many old gnarly buildings to look at and plenty of beautiful trees and hills. the weather this summer has been spectacular. the perfect variety of rain, sun, humid, dry. it's awesome.

i'm so excited about moving to austin! every day i wake up and it's the first thing i think about! and i think about it all day and then i go to sleep thinking about it, imagining it, dreaming it. it feels so good to imagine! it feels so good to daydream! now i remember what it was like when i was a kid, i was always dreaming something up. dreaming up my new treehouse. dreaming up my VW Bus (which i'm still dreaming up today! it's actually a possibility now :D). dreaming up my 7-floor mansion with pool, spa, and a different theme on every floor. dreaming up my kitchen and all the details. dreaming up whatever i could dream up about my future! when i was a kid, i just KNEW i would be rich and have whatever i wanted in my house! i just KNEW i would get everything i desired! and for some reason i forgot, but that's ok, because it just caused my desire to become stronger. so strong, in fact, that now that i am aligning with the good feeling of the desire, pure desire, it MUST come! ooooh, i love it! i love love love love love knowing the laws of creation.

life is becoming easier and easier, more and more fun, more and more delicious, more and more beautiful! i love living on this planet, full of so many amazing things to see and experience, taste and touch, hear and smell! i love my physical body and all of its abilities and sensing capabilities. i love knowing that i create my life with the power of my focused thoughts! i love saturating my mind with the desire and the feeling and the image of my home in austin, tx. i love knowing that abundance comes to me when i'm feeling this good! i love knowing that i have a divine inheritance that flows easily into my experience. i love being free and independent, and i LOVE giving of my abundance. i love buying treats for people. i love buying dinner for friends. i love grocery shopping and buying whatever food i want! i love having my own place and filling it with things i love. i love being surrounded by amazing people who are beautiful and creative and growing right alongside me. i love having deep, trusting, and loving friendships. i love intimacy with creative and beautiful men. i love my life and all it brings to me every day. i love it! i love living here! i love my creation! i love talking about how much i love my life! hahahahahaha!

YES!

pruning the mind

2010-08-16T12:43:00.000-07:00

i just got back from running. it's amazing how good it feels to run. you reach a point where your body is just moving, and your mind becomes distinctly slower and more easy to focus.

there are many people who wish to dismiss the mind as a distraction, something to be ignored. but this world has many components, and all of them have a purpose. the mind is no less a component of this world, with a definite purpose. just because we do not fully understand its purpose, and have not mastered the skill of making it work for us, does not mean it is something to be discarded. it is a similar attitude that doctors once had towards tonsils or the appendix. "it's just going to cause trouble in the future, might as well take 'em out now."

the purpose of meditation, i've found, is not to silence the mind or make it stop... rather it is to notice what is going on within the mind. there are a lot of automatic programs running, and in the midst of the plethora of external distractions, it is easy for these thoughts to slip under the radar of consciousness. useless thoughts, assumptions, judgements, destructive thoughts... these are all programs that we have picked up along the way, hardly noticing what we've downloaded. meditation, or simply quiet contemplation, allows one to notice the mind's habits, see what is serving or not serving, and begin to gently shift the thoughts into new places, new frequencies.

it's like listening to the radio (or your iPod these days) as background noise. and a song comes on that, at first you don't really notice, but you begin to feel sad or nostalgic, singing along absent-mindedly, thinking about a memory that you have attached to the song, and soon enough you're headed down a train of thought about an ex-boyfriend and how he wasn't fair to you. before you know it, you're steeped in a bad mood, and can't seem to shake it.

but the mind is not the one in control here. each one of us has the power to change the station. each one of us has the power to choose a different thought, and continue to choose thoughts of that nature until that is the predominant song playing in the background. and the more you practice "minding the mind" and focusing on new thoughts, the easier it becomes to detect thoughts that don't jive with the station you're tuning in to... it sounds like static, and you have a strong desire to shift the thought immediately so you can keep listening to the beautiful song you've been hearing.

i think what is meant by "transcendence" is... not identifying with any one part of the Whole. the mind is only one aspect. the body is only one aspect. the soul is only one aspect. together, they make up a divine trinity. but no one part can exist without the others, and the Whole is not Whole without each part. the mind is not to be discarded. the body is not to be ignored. the soul is not to be squandered. listen to each part, incorporate each part in your day to day life... this is what it is to be transcendent. to be ALIVE.

speaking of alive, i have an avocado tree growing! it's about 8 inches high now! wow, i'm so excited, it is really flourishing!

well, i don't really know what else to add to this post. off to snack land!

love!

making progress...?

2010-08-15T12:44:00.000-07:00

there's this antsy-ness within me.... a feeling like "am i supposed to be doing anything? give me a clue as to what i should be doing right now to manifest my desires!" but there's really not much i can do right now, other than sit tight, and practice feeling good about where i am. i've created a daily routine for myself, which i have promised myself to follow every day for the next 10 weeks until i move to austin. it feels good, because without any kind of structure to my day, i just wander around ambiguously, wasting time in random ways. and at the end of the day, i reflect and recognize that i've been completely unproductive, and then i feel bad. and the purpose of my life is to feel good, so if structuring my day makes me feel like i did something in the direction of my goals, i'm gonna do it, because feeling good is important to me!

my intuition is becoming pretty sensitive... or rather, i'm becoming more sensitive to my own intuition. but i've just begun to get used to it, so i misunderstand sometimes. like, i'll feel doubt about something, and i'm not sure if it's my own resistance due to negative thought patterns, or if it's my intuition telling me that it's not going to happen or that it's not where i should direct my energy.

it's easy for me to get excited about imagining moving to austin, because i believe i've been intuiting this move for a while.

something that definitely needs to shift within me is my point of focus. i feel like i'm turned in the wrong direction. most of my thoughts are about moments in the past. and nothing i desire is in the past! and i can feel the negative emotion telling me i'm focused in the wrong direction, splitting my energy. the next 10 weeks is going to be devoted to focusing more and more in the direction of the future, and what i am becoming.

it's hard to experience life, and listen to music, and watch television, without catching some little glimpse of enlightenment, casually tossed out into the wind with the unconscious hope that it might inspire a greater Knowing. i read two Rolling Stone articles this week... one about Michael Cera, and one about Katy Perry... and both of the articles had a fine, hardly detectable dusting of that Knowing. it's amazing. once your eyes are open, you see other open eyes everywhere, and you realize that everything really is self-aware, even if it is under the illusion of forgetfulness.

i think i want to write about relationships today...

why have we romanticized the painful pining after someone who is clearly uninterested? i feel like i've been doing this my whole life, since the first time i can remember having a crush on someone. i had a crush on a kid from kindergarten until 6th grade. and then i gave that one up and had a crush on a different kid who looked like harry potter. he hated me! but i still "loved" him. and i only gave up on that one because i moved out of state. and then i found another boy to obsess over, who very clearly did not want me, not even as a friend really (nowadays we're pretty good acquaintances, and i'm friends with his mom, lol!). but i had a crush on him from 7th till 9th grade. and i only gave up on that one because he left school! and it doesn't stop there! it only became more and more intense, more and more lonely, more and more pathetic and depressing.

recently, i went on a camping trip with a stranger. he was in his late 50s, early 60s perhaps. when i met him, i could feel the energy of "he's interested in me more than a casual friend." we met at a little orchard where there was a show happening to benefit veterans. we talked, in a group, about peace and politics and such. i was a little low on energy that day, and i listened more than talked. but this dude seemed pretty interested in me, and i could tell. i gave him my email, because i have a magazine and am always looking for contributors.

anyway, he emailed me a few times, in a mournfully romantic way, sort of poetic and lovesick. the energy felt very familiar to me, and a little irritating. he asked me to come camping with him in a beautiful forest on an island in a little lake. i didn't answer, because i was, at the time, feeling bummed out and anxious about yet another failed attempt at continuing a romantic connection with a boy i met at the rainbow gathering. he sent me an email less than a day later entitled "deafening silence" and said "forgive me for overreaching. have a good week."

i instantly felt compassion, because he was displaying to me the exact energy i was feeling towards this rainbow kid. "deafening silence" is a bit of an understatement! i wrote this kid letter after letter, i sent him artwork. he asked me to do so! i sent him facebook messages. i tried calling him. and i only heard like a total of 5 sentences from him. when we met at rainbow, the connection was amazing, and we had so much fun for a few days. he brought me home and gave me one last kiss, and smelled my hair. i told him i would miss him, and gave him a kiss on the cheek. and that was that. so painfully brief.

i romanticized the long-distance lovers idea... writing letters and anticipating the day when we would see each other again. i sent him so much love, and all i received was unemotional half-sentences that were cryptic and vague. i could feel his energy was just not there. and i freaked out and asked him what was going on? was there something wrong? did i do something to scare him away? then one day he said "maybe i only wanted a connection at rainbow..."

devastation!

anyway, so back to the camping trip. i felt compassion, and decided i was willing to open my heart and mind to the idea of enjoying peace and quiet in a beautiful natural setting. but i felt it only fair to give him the fair warning that i wish i could have had. clear communication about my intentions and feelings. so i told this old dude "i have given it thought, and i would like to come with you. but i have to make it very clear to you, i do not want any kind of romantic interaction of any kind whatsoever. i may be making assumptions here, but my radar is usually pretty on-point." so he agreed to "give me space."

but physical space and energetic space are two very different things! not only did i feel a strong and displeasing pull from him, i felt like i was drowning in his overwhelming misplaced desire! it was aweful, and i felt terrible putting up a big wall around my heart, in an attempt to give him maybe a not-so-subtle hint that i was very much NOT interested in him AT ALL. i was blatantly rude to him, and on the drive home i just blew up at him. i felt terrible being that way. but it's the most suffocating energy. i just wanted to escape the whole thing.

then as soon as i got home, i checked my facebook messages and i had received a message from a guy saying "hello queen," telling me that i was the angel of his dreams, that he wanted me and only me. i told him i wasn't interested, but he was incessant. he would not listen to the word "no." and i finally blocked him altogether because he just didn't get it.

it's so obvious now, laying it all out, that these two suffocating men were just showing me the energy i have been putting forth with regards to relationships. i know, i can feel it, i can recognize what it feels like from the inside and outside. but now, it's tricky, because i don't really know what a detached love feels like. i don't really recognize it... or i do, but somehow i keep slipping into the old habit of disempowerment... like i am drowning in my own loneliness, and whenever someone comes along i cling to them and pull them under in an attempt to get some air.

i think i just keep flailing about, forgetting that i'm a pretty good swimmer and i don't need anyone to rescue me.

it's just been so played up by the movies we watch and the books we read... the protagonist is a homely but sweet man who's never known true love, but sees the woman of his dreams, and at first she doesn't notice him, but he waits for her. he does little things for her, in the hopes that she might one day notice him and almost pity him, and give him a chance, and discover that he's really a sweet and romantic man who can provide her with everything that makes her happy (except a sexy-ass bod and great sex). they get married and live happily ever after, the beauty and the beast.

but TRUE love is not like that! TRUE love has to be an immediate and mutual connection, and a gradual building of a trusting friendship, and an eventual confession of "more-than-just-friends" feelings. at least, that's how i feel like it should be for me. this can exist for everyone, i believe. but both individuals must be free and empowered, standing tall as their own God/dess earth-forms. there cannot be one who is feeling less than their full selves. because that one will suck the life out of the other, and the other will just feel suffocated and chained-down. we must all remember that we are independently responsible for our own happiness and love. that these feelings do not come from outside of oneself, but from that place within. that place of pure appreciation for the way things are Now. that place of clarity, recognizing the Perfection and Divinity of Everything That Is. when you reside in that place more often than not, you're bound to rendezvous with another who is as well, and who enjoys being there with you.

it's time for the perpetuation of the romantic lie to end. it's been the most painful lie to live, and it's tentacles still have a hold of my big toe. but i'm done feeding that monster! it does not serve me, and never did.

love!

the ultimate freedom

2010-08-07T00:24:00.000-07:00

it's amazing... i've reached such a free place in my experience... physically, things are still the same... but i've let go of one of the biggest fears that was holding me up.

ever since i Awakened last summer, i've been so very aware of where i was (angry, depressed, etc), and was in a way pushing against those feelings... trying to stop "negative" thoughts... trying to avoid getting aggravated or sad... but finally i've come to this understanding that those feelings are always going to be there. i'm always going to have times when i feel depressed. and there will always be times when i feel elated. there will always be times when i feel agro. and there will be times when i am brutally honest. this is true empowerment. to own all of those emotions, and feel them as they come, and still be okay with it. to create a beautiful sad moment is just as valuable as creating a beautiful happy moment. in fact, sometimes the beautiful sad moments are even more home-hitting than the happy ones. because a happy moment always comes with that seed of sadness that "this too shall pass."

this is what the yin-yang symbol is. in the black, there is a seed of white. in the dark, dismal emotions, there is a seed of light... that Knowing that "this too shall pass." and when you find that seed of Knowing, you stand on it and look into the darkness and find the beauty there, and think "hey. i'm alright. and this emotion isn't killing me. it's actually kind of pretty." and while you're standing on that white island, suddenly you find it growing, to become the white half, and within the white half is a seed of Knowing that "this too shall pass." and you appreciate all of it, and feel thankful that you made it this far. this is when things become truly magical. this is when the universe shows itself to you in all it's glory. and after going through this oscillation enough times, you come to find peace within it. you know what's coming. and you embrace the transformation. and you surrender and become more willing to show All of yourSelf to the universe. the happy and the sad. the agro and the peaceful. the depression and the elation. and you feel no shame. you just have such a pure desire to share your Whole Self with this magnificent experience called Life. and you do it whole heartedly and passionately. you don't care what the people at the grocery store think when you break down suddenly in front of the array of cheeses. you dance with the abandon of a child in front of a crowd of people. you laugh out loud at what seems to be nothing at all, but you know you're laughing at the perfect absurdity of Everything and Everyone. and you relish in how delicious a bag of chips is.

i don't want to eliminate anything from my experience. i don't want to eliminate half of my experience just in the hopes of achieving the manifestation of all of my physical desires. i don't think that's what life is about. life is about watching the crazy people walk down main street saying things like "i'm not sexy no more... i've got a great butt though!" (yes, i heard someone say this today as i was eating a sandwich outside a deli in my town. i laughed so hard!). life is about the Critical Moment, when the cicadas are buzzing real loud, and the grass is wet from the rain that just went away, and the orange light of the street lamps is sparkling on everything in a strangely comforting way. and you're walking with a kid that you met fifteen minutes earlier and you're talking about how big the universe is. and you're remembering how you felt when you encountered a beautiful boy at a hippie fest in the woods in pennsylvania. and you're pouring your heart out to this stranger, and saying that no matter how much it hurts, i'm still gonna do it all over again because it's worth it to FEEL. that's what life is. it's not this fantasy of driving in a glamourous car with your freshly pressed-on nails and straight, blond hair-extensions. it's not doing yoga every day, eating raw food, and saying positive affirmations and arranging your furniture for the best energy-flow. i refuse to eliminate half of the equation! i want both! i want to do yoga when i want to do yoga. i want to be a motherfuckin gangsta and smoke a blunt with mah homies when i want to be a motherfuckin gangsta smokin blunts with mah homies. it's all part of the movie. and it's all God. it's all perfection. everyone is enlightened, just not all of them remember that they are. but everyone knows their own truth, and when they can say it openly, there is always a nugget of enlightenment to be captured, and treasured.

i love this life so much. i love this planet. i love this body. i love the struggle. i love the ease. i love love love love love it! it's so much fun!

yes!

a video i made

2010-07-29T00:35:00.001-07:00

2010-07-25T22:24:00.000-07:00

the intuitive Voice is so very quiet in its wisdom. but the more i listen, the stronger it becomes. it is rhythmic and soothing, always telling me exactly what i am needing to hear.

Love and longing are not synonymous

2010-07-22T22:17:00.000-07:00

Longing is...

reaching

grasping

aching

pulling

needing

desperate

taking

twisting

groping

LOVE is...

full

expanding

unfolding

becoming

easy

true

overflowing

growing

glowing

2010-07-21T12:01:00.001-07:00

oh our dear, dear child! why do you so often go back to doubting yourself? you feel a good thing and you know it can exist anywhere at any time, in any moment that you choose! and then the next day you forget to choose it again? why is it this way? why are you choosing to forget so easily? when you doubt yourself, you are doubting god, and when you doubt god you are doubting everything, and you know the doubting is what is causing you to feel so bad, so why do you choose it? you don't like feeling bad when you're feeling bad, so why do you keep choosing to feel bad? just choose to feel god. choose to feel good. it's not about thinking it, it's about feeling it. don't doubt your feelings, there is nothing to doubt! there is nothing at all to doubt! in other words, DOUBT NOTHING, because NOTHING doesn't EXIST, EVERYTHING EXISTS.

remember in every moment. just remember. it's so much easier than you are choosing to make it. it's as easy as a decisive thought, and then a decisive action, and a continuation of the sequence of those things. just keep going, it gets easier and easier the more you practice it, but the less you practice it, the more you just postpone your own glory. it's okay though, because the more you postpone it, the more glorious it becomes in the waiting for you. but don't let that be your excuse not to go, allow it to be your excuse to soothe yourself into a place of less guilt, more trust. less fear, more trust. less doubt, more trust. less questioning, more trust.

just take a step. one step. god will help you take the rest.

letter to a future self

2010-07-13T23:14:00.000-07:00

dear Me,

it seems easier to forget. it seems easier to be lazy and block yourself from your truest Creativity. but it's not easier. it's much much much harder. it's so much harder to not listen to the Call. why make it hard on yourself? just feel good! there really is nothing worth feeling less than good about. it's not a big deal. god is very large, you can trust her! you can trust that s.he is always there, doing exactly what s.he is doing.

see, what you keep doing is forgetting your Place. you are the smaller creator. the Creation is already always happening, and it will happen in the Best way possible, whether you're there or not. you are not Creator from where you're positioned. the larger You is the Creator, and the you that is projected into the physical apparatus is the experiencer, the aligner. just as important a job! no less significant! but you need not fear your own power, because it is not so great as to overthrow the Power of the Creator. just feel good and when you are needed, we will let you know. and you will KNOW. just as you Knew when you Knew that you Knew. a little bluejay flew into your experience and you Knew him before you saw his face. you heard his Call, and that is what it will feel like. reach for that Feeling. yes, that is what the Truth feels like. all else is falsehood, which is just another word for distortion. it's just a warping of the mirage, sort of like the heat coming off of the pavement. it expands the air so that the light bends as it travels through it. such is the way of the Truth and the way you see it. if you have a lens in front of you, the lens of forgetfulness is a different density from the pure remembrance lens, and so the light of Truth is distorted as it passes through. clean your lenses!

you are doing very well. continue to express. even in the times when you feel blank. express the blank. because the blank is also god.

love!

some poems i wrote

2010-06-22T11:17:00.000-07:00

Thanks to the Source Of All That Is Good

Sometimes it is frustrating

To be alive
Wondering why I came here
Unsure of what to do next
Knowing that there must be a Good reason
But unsure of what that might be
Feeling constantly suspended
Between utter oblivion
And Supreme Adoration of The All Of It.
In times like this
All I can do
Is hang in there
Suspended
Until I sync up
With the Great iPod In The Sky
And download new Files
Of Ultimate Understanding
And Pure Unadulterated LoveJoyBeauty
In the meantime
I will just pet my doG
And know that All Is Well

Divinely Clever

How clever You are
All the components which have brought me to this place
Right here
This perfect place
Right Now
This Perfect Time
How hilariously clever of You
All the people and things which have
Directly and indirectly
Brought me exactly what I asked for
All the seemingly mundane circumstances
Which have been so divinely orchestrated
As to allow me to be here
Now.
Thank you for being so clever

wHERE?

Here I am
Now
Where?
Here?
Where is Here?
Now.
Where will I be?
Does that matter?
Tomorrow will become Now
But don't worry about that Now.
You can worry later.
But you cannot exist later.
Later is always just a little out of reach
Is it Now yet?

2010-06-16T11:32:00.000-07:00

i have come to such strong self-understanding this week! i was out of the vortex for a long time and it was very uncomfortable. i had a brief relationship with a beautiful boy, and in the very beginning it was lovely. but all of my previous relationships have come to me from outside the vortex, and after only a couple of days i had slipped into the old habits of disempowerment. it's amazing how quickly i can forget everything i've come to understand in the face of someone who is very convincingly telling me that my assumptions about the world are incorrect. especially if that very convincing person is an amazing lover.

lol.

i want to feel powerful and glorious and beautiful and bubbly and joyful. these are my natural states of being. i love feeling this way! and i want to stay this way more than i want to have a relationship. i don't need a boy to tell me i am beautiful in order for me to be beautiful. i don't need a boy to skip with me and bring me flowers and stroke my face and kiss my cheek. i don't need a boy to fill me with his beingness and make love to me until the wee hours of the morning. i don't need gifts and sweet nothings whispered into my ear. i don't need that thrill in my heart when a boy pulls me in close with his strong hands and kisses my lips and tells me he adores me. i don't need a boy to tell me he adores me. i don't need any of these things, because i feel very good without them. but i do know that these are things that i will have in my experience and i will enjoy them so very much when they manifest in reality. i'm excited for it!

i love life and all that it brings to me. i love love love love love love love love love it!

bummer?

2010-06-09T09:01:00.000-07:00

so my plans appear to have shifted quite rapidly. although now i'm standing uncomfortably in the wake of change, wondering which direction i will go next.

i never liked sudden changes when i was a kid. i guess i'll have to get used to them. it's all in the divine scheme of things, so i know it is perfect and beautiful and that later down the timeline, i will come to appreciate this point of change very much. i do appreciate it now. i am actually enjoying where i am right now. it's just different from what i was planning. i should probably just stop planning things altogether, because my plans ALWAYS change into something much more glorious than what my puny human perspective could come up with. i like the surprises anyway.

the other is always the mirror

2010-06-04T19:30:00.000-07:00

nagging thoughts of awkward situations handled poorly

invade my mindspace

and refuse to leave me be.

will they ever go away?

will i ever be free of the cloying feeling

that i should have done it differently?

that i should have been stronger and allowed you to be you

your awkward, bothersome self

your irritating

socially retarded

annoying

frustrating self?

oh yeah....

perhaps i'm talking to myself here

70 posts!

2010-05-31T17:44:00.001-07:00

this is my 70th post. cool.

i don't know what to write about!

i went hiking with my parents and my sister today. i kept hopping out of the vortex and mixing it up with my mom. she still thinks she can control me. it's funny. she tells me to do something, or stop doing something, and i just say "no!" and she can't do anything. maybe it's a little "immature" but it feels empowering to me. there are a lot of things i want to do in this world, and if people just tell me to not do something for no reason, i'm always going to choose what i want to do. i'm done with being bossed around. i'm free to make my choices in this life. i am free to be and do what i want.

i'm so excited for my summer trip. i am looking forward to meeting loads of new people and learning and growing from them. i have no idea what i am about to run into! so much happens in such short amounts of time, who knows what will unfold between now and when i leave. who knows what will happen between now and bonnaroo? who knows what will occur between bonnaroo and my birthday?? so much time to span, and so much land to explore and so many people to meet and so much love to spread!

i'm SO EXCITED!

i love life. it's becoming more and more glorious every day. i love the unfoldment of it all. and i love that if one day goes by that isn't as glorious as i want it to be, there is always the next day and the next day and the next day and the next day..... eternity is a long time. infinity is a big number. it's incomprehensible. there's nothing standing between me and tomorrow. there's nothing in this world that can harm me. sure, there may be physical things that could physically break my container. but i am more than my container, and if this one breaks i'll just find a new one. and that will be fun! i love life, and i'm so thankful for every moment i am experiencing. i am learning to appreciate every moment more and more and more, and it's getting easier and easier to focus on the feeling of happiness. it's getting easier to find that sense of eager purposefulness.

well, i'm tired for some reason. probably because i have a magazine to create and i haven't even started on the physical action of it. i have some ideas sort of nebulously floating in my mind, but i just need to sit down and focus my creative energy into doing it. my first issue happened like that. most of my projects and things happen like that. i have a deadline, and i put it off and put it off until the last minute, and then i get a flood of creative energy and i get it all done in a day or less. and it's glorious. i always do better work when i'm just sitting down and doing it all at once. i feel more focused and intentional. if i'm spacing out my work, often (depending on the project) it doesn't turn out as good as if i do it in the midst of an intense burst of creativity. it sucks for college though, because if you've got 3 papers all due within a day of each other, that's a lot of "bursts" that you have to try to have. and that's not quite the same as suddenly feeling the urge to get something done, and sitting down and completing it in no time.

i'm looking forward to going back to school next spring. it's gonna be fun!

blip blop bloop!

LOVE

[edit: this is no longer my 70th post. i deleted the previous post because the photos weren't showing up. bummer. oh well, 69 is better than 70 anyway ;)]

creativity, bonnaroo, and other loveliness

2010-05-26T19:20:00.000-07:00

i have had the most wonderful flow of creative energy lately. i love it so much. i made two paintings today! and i just finished carving a face into sculpey clay, from which i am creating a mold. then i'm going to make glass and silver castings of it, which i will turn into jewelry!

yesterday i sold another subscription to my magazine. i had a fantastic day yesterday.

things are getting better and better! i must be in a state of allowing, because i saw two people today that i've been wanting to see for a while! i want to make tomorrow even more awesome than today and yesterday and the day before and the day before have been. oh my goodness, i have been having such a great week! i can't express it enough!

i'm getting very excited about BONNAROO! the universe has cooked up something wonderful for me, and i am loving the unfoldment of it! today i had a strange moment. i was writing in my journal, and i suddenly wanted to look something up online... but then i picked up my iPod touch to do so, but then just as suddenly i forgot what it was i wanted to look up. i had a feeling i should just go to the bonnaroo website and see if something new was there... and what do you know! a contest to win 2 tickets to bonnaroo, and press passes and a video camera with which to interview the music artists! ace! it's mine, i just know it. hello to the b-roo/wired rep who's reading this now saying "haha, word!" thanks for picking me :D

i love all of you, and i hope you are having as much fun as i am!

a beautiful day in the neighborhood

2010-05-25T21:17:00.001-07:00

i decided that today is a perfect day to do a photo blog post! i spent the whole day having fun and finding lovely things to photograph. it was wonderful! i'm going to do this more often.

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can't sleep, must write!

2010-05-22T01:43:00.001-07:00

it's been one of those nights.... i experienced so much stimulating interaction with people today that my thoughts are flying through my mind at a thousand miles an hour, and i want to go to sleep, but my thoughts are keeping me way too awake.

so i figured the best thing to do to slow them down and ease my mind would be to get them out of my head and into writing.

i had a long (and rather loud) conversation about sex tonight. i don't even remember how it started, but it ended up involving everyone at the party that i was at, and concluded with a guy accusing me of being a sexaholic. which is frustrating a little bit.... because i know that i'm not a sexaholic. i believe a sexaholic is someone who is so addicted to the physical sensations of sexual stimulation that they no longer derive pleasure from the activity, they just want to have the stimulation as often as possible, and it doesn't matter from whom they are receiving the stimulation. for me, it is the exact opposite. i have found that i have such a passionate interest in the topic of sex. not just having sex, but the subject itself... i love to talk about it, learn about it, read about it, think about it.... it's fascinating to me. everyone has a subject that is purely fascinating to them, and that they love talking about more than anything in the world. but because society has placed so much prude stigma around the subject of sex, then i must be a sexaholic if i'm talking about it so much. what a silly notion!

oh yeah, now i remember how the conversation started... i was suggesting that what this world needs is REAL sexual education. like, HOW to have sex, and how to be sexual and embrace your sexual beingness. it is natural for every single one of us to be sexual in everything we do. not that we are looking for orgasm in everything we do, but that from the very beginning we are deriving pleasure from our experience. and that sexually charged experiencing of life is trained out of us at an early age, because we are told that it is not normal. that normal people are reserved and jaded. we don't express joy for life, because if you do you're weird. you're even considered a loser if you have joy for life. if you enjoy frollicking, you are cast aside as a weirdo. and so we glean this from our environment, and then we embody the toned-down experience (the boring, lifeless, zombified experience of the day-to-day drone lifestyle). and we lose our sexuality. we lose our ability to truly enjoy the sexual experience, because we have lost our ability to derive pleasure from the tiniest sensation. we are desensitized in every sense of the word.

so i am not a sexaholic. no. i am a lifeaholic. i am an appreciationaholic. i am a pleasureaholic. and if that means i'm a sexaholic, then so be it! i love sex! alcoholics don't love alcohol. they consume it to forget the guilt they have for needing it in the first place. there is a different psychology going on here.

i love love love love LOVE SEX! and i have now come to understand that it must be one of my purposes here on this earth, to demonstrate sexual liberation, and spread it to others. in the future, i am sure i will be teaching young children about sex and how it is a beautiful and natural part of their existence. and i will be encouraging them to explore themselves, and even eachother. and i know that's quite radical in this day and age. but i don't care. jesus was quite radical in his day and age too. but luckily, things are speeding up so quickly that i won't have to wait 2000 years for people to start catching on to my message. it'll probably catch on within 50 to 60 years. and that's enough time to form an entire generation of sexually liberated young adults, who will be raising sexually liberated young children, and so on.

it is so strange... although i suppose it is only strange because i have been raised to believe that people my age shouldn't be having children.... but i want to have children. like, right now. i mean, i suppose not right this second, although yeah kinda. it's a feeling i've always had. i've always wanted to have the experience of being pregnant and raising a little one with ideals and understandings that i think are healthy and conducive to creating an independent human being. although, i always knew that "i'm way too young, there are things i want to do with my life, i could never raise a child right now, i wouldn't be able to handle it, it's too much of a responsibility, my life would take such a different direction, blah blah blah." and part of me still thinks that way, but there is a part of me that is growing quite rapidly that says "i know i would be an amazing mother, and i know that the experience of pregnancy and mothering would be so life changing and beneficial, and i would relish the entire experience and gain so much from it. i think i could do it now if it happened that way."

not to say i'm trying to get preggo today. i'm just saying, if it happened today, i would rejoice.

anyway. i think my mind has blown its load and i can go to sleep now.

love!

promoting my product :D

2010-05-13T00:03:00.001-07:00

hey everybody, i know it's been a minute since my last update.

i'm here to promote my newest product: Illuminated Mag. it's my art/enlightenment 'zine, and i have hard copies on sale now! go here: http://www.etsy.com/shop/WhatAreTheOdds

all proceeds go to me creating more and more and more! thank you so much for supporting me by reading my stuff and investing in this project of mine :) one day, it will be a world-renowned magazine, and then i'll be so famous that you will be able to sell your original "vintage" copies for lots of $$$$$!

anyway, it's bedtime.

LOVE!

death

2010-05-06T15:52:00.000-07:00

my dog died today. a very bittersweet occurrence. she was very old, and recently i started seeing that glimmer of young dog spirit in her eyes... i would let her off her leash and she would romp around the back yard all excited... but her body was too old, and only a minute or so of this kind of activity would throw her into an asthma attack.

so this morning, on my way to the bathroom upstairs, i heard her having an attack. i thought to her "Niki, why don't you just die? you won't have to go through this anymore..." and about half an hour later i heard my mom call my dad at work to tell him she'd gone. my heart leapt and i felt so thankful. and then i went downstairs and saw her body slumped over, foam dripping from her mouth, eyes still open... and i felt sad knowing that i wouldn't be able to play with her anymore.

but the truth is, we haven't been able to play with Niki for a while. her body had become so old and in pain that we couldn't even walk her for more than a block. we used to live in the country, and there she could run free and chase deer and explore. i think Niki died a few years ago really... when her body stopped getting the exercise and love that it needed to be healthy.

it's really been making me think about life. what am i doing? why do i spend so much of my time sedentary, looking at my facebook page or just wasting my time in general? why do we distract ourselves from our lives so much, instead of actually going out and experiencing things? we make excuses: oh, there's nothing to do in this town. let's just smoke pot and play video games and in the morning we'll go to our cubicles and file papers and text our friends about how bored we are.... then we'll come home and drink a beer, and watch a "reality" TV show. time for a cigarette break.

how is it that we have all become so disempowered?

is it that we've ignored Who We Are for so long that the weight of everything is so suffocating that we feel paralyzed by the weight of it all? i've been there. it nearly killed me. but if it's so much of an effort to be here, why not MAKE THE EFFORT? why not? what else is there? 80 years of boredom and unfulfillment? i'd rather die tomorrow than draw out the pain. that's why i was so thankful that Niki died today. It was heartbreaking to watch her be so bored and unable to do anything about it. i've been wanting her to die for months.

there are a lot worse things than death. boredom is one of them. unfulfilled potential is another. in fact, i think death will be an exciting experience. i think it would be exciting for anyone experiencing it. we find death so abhorrent because we don't know what it is. as far as we are concerned, life occurs in a linear fashion, and you start on your birthday and end on your deathday, and that's that. but if you look at the nature of this universe, that mode of thinking is illogical. this planet is in a constant state of recycling itself. things leave their bodies, and the bodies become food for the bottom-feeders (like worms and bacteria and flies). then, from the composted bodies sprouts new life in a new form. we humans, however, are attached to the image of things. we are so upset about certain species becoming extinct, but we are ignoring that new species are coming into existence all the time through the process of evolution. life is continuing and well-being abounds! "death" is a part of the whole process. without it, life would be miserable.

imagine how crowded this planet would be if nothing ever died? life wouldn't even be possible. it's absurd to even try to imagine it. mammals wouldn't exist if the dinosaurs hadn't become extinct. everything is always in a perfect state of balance and harmony. if you disagree with that statement, you're not looking hard enough.

that said, i'm going to live life the way i was always supposed to. the way i naturally knew how to when i was a kid. i want to go outside and feel the sun on my body. i want to smell the wind, full of pollen and chemicals. i want to take my clothes off and swim in a river. i want to walk on the rail-road tracks like a balance-beam as far as i can go. i want to roll down a hill and get grass in my hair and then get ice cream that will drip all over my clothes and make my fingers sticky.

what do you want to do?

moon

2010-04-28T20:50:00.000-07:00

the moon is beautiful right now. perhaps it is because the moon is full that i have been feeling this weird energy for the past couple days.

i like the way it peeks through the silhouette of the tree outside my window. and then the window pane warps and echoes it in a sort of ghostly way.

the full spectrum

2010-04-27T11:27:00.001-07:00

gosh i'm feeling ornery today.

but today, instead of feeling bad for being ornery... and trying to work my way out of it (ie push it out of myself)... i've decided to just sort of feel it, embrace it as a part of me, and observe how it affects my reality and the people around me. so far, i've only interacted with my mom while in this state... so i just told her straight up "i'm ornery, don't talk to me." and she was totally chill about it.

i think we need to be honest with ourselves. we make other people feel like they should feel bad when they are in a bad mood. obviously that only makes matters worse. if we could learn how to communicate when we're in a grumpy mood, and to tell people not to take it personally, that it's just where we're at... a lot of grief would be saved.

i kinda snapped at one of my bosses today. i get a sense that she is feeling more and more overwhelmed, and it's bleeding out into her relationships and her business... i want so much to tell her from an outside perspective what's going on with her, but every time i think about it, it becomes this battle of the ego in my head. i try to come at it from a positive angle, but the more the internal dialogue goes on, the more it becomes "you need to change this, and you need to do that, blah blah blah." then i had to sit down after work today and really wonder to myself why this vibration continues to show up in my reality. it's trying to tell me something. well i asked myself if i've been overbearing and imposing and control-freakish lately. and of course, i have. mostly to my mom. i have a tendency to cut her off when i disagree with her, and attempt to impose my point of view onto her. i now understand more fully how she is feeling when i do that.

i'm coming to understand more fully the notion that each of us contains the full spectrum of human potential. we all have the ability to be sad or angry or overbearing or intimidating, just as we also have the ability to be kind and compassionate and loving and creative and thankful. and everything in-between. we all have it. and when someone else shows it to us, and we push against it, in an attempt to disown it as "wrong," we become self-righteous and we turn into the very thing we are pushing against. so that's why i'm indulging in the ornery right now. i know it won't harm me, i'm just feeling it out. even just accepting it as a part of me and allowing it to exist is creating much more ease than when i try to fight with it. it's amazing. i love being a human. i love being a woman. i love having the ability to reason and contemplate and find understanding within myself. i love where i am. i love the learning experience of life. i love the growth. i love it.

so, thanks boss! i appreciate the growth and learning opportunity you've provided me with today! the universe is now more thanks to our contrasting interaction.

wooooh! ride that wave!

LOVE!

more new ground

2010-04-26T23:30:00.001-07:00

it is amazing, the rate at which i am expanding in consciousness these days. i seriously have no idea what kind of place i'll be in next week, because i just may learn something truly profound about myself.

i've been learning about money in particular. i just discovered a dude named Dr. John Demartini. he's accumulated a wealth of knowledge in many areas over the past few decades, and he has a way of pulling examples from his knowledge bank and creating a tangible way of understanding the way things work in the physical world. i've spent the past few months learning about how the energy of it all works. now i'm making a nice segway into the practical application of it all. it's inspired me to understand my values, shift my attitude, and become empowered. i feel great!

here's an interview between him and a lovely woman named lilou mace.

i hope you appreciate his perspective as much as i do! i've already ordered 3 of his books and am looking forward to making profound changes in my life!

loving you all!

judgement

2010-04-22T16:50:00.000-07:00

the fear of judgement and the habit of judging others are two sides of the same coin.

i had a big realization this weekend. it had been several months since i'd spent time with true friends; people with whom i can be completely myself. it hit me that the difference between my relationship with say, my boss, and my relationship with my best girlfriend is freedom of expression. now, i'm very blessed to have an awesome boss with whom i can be very friendly. i enjoy working with her because she is a beautiful person. however, in this relationship, certain things on my end must be curtailed in order to maintain the "professional" relationship. it basically boils down to a fear of being fired. and so there is this internal struggle going on with me all the time: did i say something i shouldn't have? should i have done it differently? should i be dressed this way? am i being inappropriate right now?

now that i notice it, the energetic difference is stark. with my friend, i can be, do, and say anything, and i know that she knows i am doing my own thing, and she is doing her own thing, and we love each other, and we inspire each other, and we grow and blossom in our interactions. it is fantastic! so refreshing! i can feel the fullness of my being flooding through me. and when i expressed this to her, in my excitement i apparently started glowing. like literally glowing in the dark!

it was then that i also realized that i am in my element when i am speaking to a group. but what had eventually snuck in to hinder me was the fear of judgement. in high school, enough incidents happened in which i felt that people were judging me, and i began to assume that everyone had these feelings about me (when really it was probably only a small few people who really had any problem with the way i am). i became very insecure and judgemental myself.

therein lies the key: judgement of others is a sort of defense mechanism. we feel judged, and so we look for the things in others that are just as bad or worse than what we feel we are being judged for. and we point them out, and we perhaps feel a little better about ourselves. but not really.

i have learned that the opposite is also true: when we praise another, and recognize their beauty and talent, and we bask in the glow they put out, we are really doing the same for ourselves. it is a healthier form of competition. we see something we like, and we say "hey i could do that. i am beautiful too! i have talents of my own! they may not be the same talents, but i have them and they are awesome! i can glow in that way! i know i can!" we become inspired to express ourselves in the fullness of our being.

and there is nothing like expressing so fully that you glow. it is the most fantastic internal rush of energy. i want to find more ways to be that full expression.

it is my wish for all of you to find your element. find that feeling place of full expression of pure potential. so much can bloom forth from that place. it is what it feels like to be a child again. like things are just beginning. like you've barely scraped the surface and already you've found so much gold you hardly know what to do with it.

this moment is pure potential.
this moment is within me.
the potential is within me.
i am the moment.
i am the potential.

LOVE!

that which i am

2010-04-21T12:36:00.000-07:00

atoms buzzing frantically
standing still
stoic stone soldiers in the night
a grin of second-hand sunlight
makes ghostly
the fractal expression
under which i stand
i
is it i who stands?
am i the atoms clumping as molecules
clumping as cells
clumping as tissues
clumping as organs
clumping as body?
am i this clump?
or am i the space between the clumps?
the atoms swim around
changing their minds on a whim
i
i am the awareness
of the impermanence
the unmoving mover
the ether
i
i am the moment
i am the sea of thought
through which the atoms swim
i am the essence
i am that
i am.

थे मोस्ट लोविंग थिंग तो गिवे

2010-04-13T11:08:00.000-07:00

grrr that Sanskrit keeps happening! is it Sanskrit or Hindi?

anyway. the title is "the most loving thing to give"

i've been thinking about resistance. by that i mean "resistance to the flow of the universe." we all do it. the universe leads us around, and occasionally we run into things that cause us to say "hey, i don't want this, why do i have to experience this?" and we push against it, and frustratingly enough, as we push against it, it seems to get bigger and more irritating. but then we sort of intuitively figure out that it's just not worth it, and we give up. and suddenly the problem is gone. and we think "well why didn't i do that in the first place?"

but what about when we are noticing other people pushing against the flow? the more we try to tell them to relax, the less relaxed they become. "i can't relax, i've got this problem to deal with!" they say. and we try to tell them "but if you just relax, the problem will go away, i promise you!" and of course they don't believe such nonsense. so they just get more frustrated and push harder.

what i have learned about resistance is that it creates a desire within us. we experience something we don't like, and we automatically know what we want instead (even if it is not verbalized, or acknowledged, we know it on a soul level). and once that desire is birthed within, all it takes is for us to relax and let it in. when we stop pushing against what we don't want, and instead focus on what we do want, what we want is what flows into our experience.

this has been my lesson for a while, but i think i've finally come to the moral of the story. there have been so many times when i look at the people around me who are resisting their experience, and i want to tell them what i've just told you, but they aren't ready to hear it. so i talk and talk, but they just argue and resist more. and then i get frustrated because i want them to feel good, and now i'm in a place of resistance. well what i've come to understand is that the most loving thing i can do is to allow others to have their resistant moments. i have been allowed to birth desires during resistant moments, so why should i rob someone else of their opportunity to do the same? is it more loving to convince someone to be happy or is it more loving to allow that person to grow and learn in their own time and in their own way? i am sure it is the latter. everyone will figure out the trick eventually.

it reminds me of my eighth grade art class. my art teacher was an extraordinarily nice guy. but when a student was struggling with a drawing or painting, he would show them how to improve by drawing or painting right on their project. how can someone learn to draw better if the art teacher is doing it for them? i once had a different art teacher who painted on my water color painting to show me the technique, and i was so upset because it was no longer mine.

my experience is mine. it is the only thing i truly own. no one else can experience my perspective from the inside. no one can really appreciate the growth i have experienced. and likewise, i cannot jump into another person's point of view. i can't tell someone else how to do it, because i have not lived their life.

but of course, i can write these things that i have learned, and perhaps allude to lessons that my readers can learn. but i can't do it for anyone else. i can only live for me. and that is my only responsibility: to live consciously, joyously, freely, and deliberately. that is all anyone should ever take responsibility for.

but you can figure that out on your own.

love!

making peace with the resistance

2010-04-11T20:33:00.000-07:00

lately i've been experiencing a lot of internal resistant vibrations (ie. mental arguments with others, struggles with myself, worries popping up and me having to battle with them). and i realized that the more i fight with myself to think a different way, the bigger the resistance. the sooner i am able to say "ah, i'm being resistant. let's relax and know that i'm getting better and better all the time, and that i have so much time to change myself. there's no need to push myself so hard. there's no need to be frustrated. progress is happening." the sooner i feel more at ease.

i am making peace with the resistance. i know it's there. i know i have been choosing habits of thought that are resistant. but knowing that i can choose differently is all i need to tell myself in order to turn "downstream."

i'm enjoying the contrast around me. it shows me where i need to ease my own inner tensions. it shows me where i can grow. and it makes it easier to appreciate the goodness of life. i love where i am right now.

so, on a different note, anyone who hasn't yet seen Memento needs to go directly to the video store and rent it right now. it is amazing, and after watching it i felt like a different person. the plot is so intensely twisty up until the very end, that my brain literally had to work in a way it never had before. watch it. you'll love it.

i love you kids!

a lot of ornery

2010-04-09T07:36:00.000-07:00

i've been ornery lately.

i wonder why? habit of thought blames it on the people around me who are being stupid. but these days, i know that i am the one who is responsible first and foremost. i cannot experience ornery people unless there is orneriness within me.

yesterday i smoked salvia with a friend of mine. i really enjoyed it. when my mind got out of the way, all my body wanted to do was dance. so i got up and did this insanely good belly dance to Thievery Corporation. i was not in control. very fun :)

but then i started to come down and i asked my friend why he wasn't echoed, and he was not responding to me in a way that made sense. so i told him to stop talking.

then he took his hit, and went somewhere else, and came back and he said "did you see this and this and this and this, blah blah blah" and i was like "no..." and he was like "oh, you did it wrong."

that's what pissed me off. that he thought he was right and i was wrong just because our experiences were different.

why is that always the way people think? "my experience is this way. yours is different? vastly different, you say? oh, you must be doing it wrong."

eff that.

we all have different vantage points, and they are all equally valid. no one person can claim to have a better life than another. likewise, no one person can claim to have a worse life than another. there are all things in our experiences which are pleasing and which are unpleasant. but since nobody can jump into another's experience and understand their perspective, nobody can say what is more unpleasant or pleasant for another person.

our own perspective is the only thing we have. it is all we can really go on. it is all we should be focusing on. and since we choose the lens through which we look at our perspective (positive or negative), we don't need to fall victim to it. you observe your experience, and you make an assessment of it (either positive or negative). then, based on the assessment, you offer a response (vibrationally). then, in response to your vibration, your experience shows more and more aspects which are of the offered vibration. for example, you observe something negative, you offer a negative vibration about it, then the universe brings you more of that. and vice versa.

anyway, today is a new day with new things to see and hear and taste and touch and smell. today i am going to do my best to observe as many positive aspects as i can.

LOVE!

it's insecurity that messes shit up! (it has nothing to do with sex in particular)

2010-04-07T21:44:00.000-07:00

i've come to big realizations over the past couple of days! fantastic breakthroughs, actually.

i've been feeling this out-of-alignment vibration within me, and i've been experiencing rendezvous which have had traces of the same kind of vibration... but i could not for the life of me understand where it was coming from. i have been doing a lot of cleaning-up of my vibration this year, and so far so good! but i finally figured out what was trying to come to the surface.

i was talking to a friend of mine yesterday and i was gonna buy some green goods from him, and i was counting out 20 singles (tips!!!). but i miscounted, and i got way confused and gave up and made him count for me. it was then that i realized i am actually legitimately afraid of doing math. i considered it, and it's true. my heart races, my face gets hot, i get flustered and my mind goes totally freaked-out-blank. this doesn't happen to me with ANYTHING else! not acting on stage, not speaking in public, not snakes, not scorpions, not heights, not swimming. MATH.

AND what's even better! i linked when the fear began with the 3rd grade. it was at this point in my life that i had a BFF, and the friendship was riddled with strife and little-kid-drama. in 3rd grade, we played Around The World a lot. this was a game involving flashcards with multiplication equations and two people would stand up and a flashcard was held up and the person who could solve the problem fastest was the winner, and moved on to the next person. my BFF and her other BFF were very competitive at this game. i was not fast enough. and yes, in hindsight it seems silly that i would link math with girlie drama. but in terms of how the brain works, it makes perfect sense.

the only times i feel insecure about myself are when i feel like i am on the spot to come up with a correct answer (or to do math unexpectedly), and often when i'm around women. i'm getting better at relating to women, but the vibration is still there. i can charm men like nothing. i can walk onstage and recite a monologue from memory like nothing. i can hold a full-grown scorpion in the palm of my hand and not even consider breaking a sweat. but when i'm doing spontaneous math problems, or hanging around women, i get freaked out.

although, you'd never know unless i told you (i'm a scorpio of course).

anyway, i'm glad i've identified what seems to be the root of the problematic vibration. knowing what it is and what it feels like and why i started thinking a certain way is such a relief. i already feel a lot lighter and clearer. i feel like this is the kind of thing that will be easily shifted and then used in ways which positively impact my life.

i'm growing!

love!!

is it sex that messes shit up, or my expectation?

2010-03-31T21:00:00.001-07:00

so the other day i had sex with a friend of mine.

then yesterday i felt a shift in the energy between us. perhaps it's my imagination. probably it is, since everything is anyway.

but why is it that having sex with someone opens such vulnerable places? so tender and unconditioned to the world outside. i've gotta ease into things maybe. all i can do is keep trying, because i refuse to allow my fears about sex stand in the way of me eventually enjoying the hell out of it.

why do i even have fears about sex? probably my lack of proper education about it. my parents didn't inform me of what sex was. they assumed i already knew. well, i knew i had a drive to experience a very mysterious pleasure, but i had no idea what it was. and of course i told nobody, for fear of being laughed at. "hey mom... dad... why do i have this need to put this pillow between my legs? and why do i feel like i can't get it close enough to me? and what is that strangely pleasing tingly feeling that happens when i move just right? it's only for a few seconds, but i feel like i NEED it. can you explain this to me?" (haha, yeah right). then, at age FOURTEEN (!!!!) i found out the mechanics of sex in my 8th grade health class. our teacher read us a ridiculous children's book with silly, prude illustrations. absolutely ridiculous.

then, throughout my health education, i was pumped with information about the things to be afraid of in terms of sex. that there are diseases, and very prevalent ones at that! that if you don't use more than one form of birth control, you have a chance of getting pregnant. that its bad to be pregnant. all sorts of misinformation that is fear-based and not conducive to a healthy sexual attitude.

and now my energy is all confused. i really want to have sex! but will i feel hurt if i have sex with someone i'm not in love with? that's another thing i was told to believe. that i have to love the person i'm having sex with. that it's a "big step" in a relationship. what if i just want to have sex? well then i'm just a slut, right?

and why are there no people under the age of 30 who are good at sex at all? (i take that back, i've had one or two exceptional 20-year-old encounters). why does everyone just do the boring old missionary, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, FINISH! ok, i'm done, better get this condom off and go to sleep. oh you're not finished? well, sorry, but i'm spent and i can't go again, i'm too tired. gotta get to work in the morning. better get you home!

grrrrrrrrrrr. i refuse to believe that i'm the only person who is thinking these things. i refuse to acknowledge my potential island-status in this topic of discussion. sex needs to be more fun. sex needs to be a lot less boring and a lot more pleasurable. dudes, stop being pussies. use your hands more. breasts enjoy being squeezed. so do thighs. also, kiss the rest of my body more often. surprise me. move me around. you're strong, you can pick me up and throw me on the bed and rip my clothes off. i don't mind being nibbled. step it up folks!

who's with me?

also, i suppose i should share a lesson on the clitoris.

how to make a girl feel supreme pleasure:

- spend some time kissing. while kissing, knee-between-legs is a great way to get started.
- before clothes come off, breasts are to be fondled. hands running down the torso and between thighs is a definite plus.
- after several minutes of this foreplay, the girl should be wet enough
- pants off!
- undies still on (unless she goes commando), rubbing of the outer genitalia is nice. use your entire hand, with firm, but not too firm, pressure.
- watch her face to gauge how she's liking it. talking makes it a little awkward, so just kiss her instead. make eye contact!
- when you can feel heat and moisture through undies, you know she's ready for full-fledged-finger-action!
- delicately pull off undies and toss aside.
- use the girl's natural lubricating system to make the job easier, and much more enjoyable (for her).
- using the tips of 2-3 fingers, and a gentle left-to-right motion, play the clitoris like a guitar!
- be sure to go back often for more natural lube.
- start out slow and gentle, with rather light pressure. gradually build in speed and pressure.
- if you are making a project out of it, you can use both hands, one for inside and one for outside.
- don't get too fast too quickly. let it build naturally, and drag it out by surprising her with a teasing pause. when you think she's just about to come, stop for a couple of seconds. then keep going, a tiny bit slower and softer than you were going before. then build up again. if you can, i recommend you do this several times. the resulting orgasm will be immense and intense.
- you can tell when a girl is orgasming, because she won't care what her face looks like. the body goes on auto-pilot and she's just riding along.

using the mouth

- if you haven't shaved in a couple of days, forget it. don't even bother with this technique, because it doesn't feel good at all.
- if you are clean-shaven, proceed to the following steps.
- this is not just about the mouth. giving head is an art form, and should not be done carelessly. use the hands in conjunction with the lips and tongue.
- massage the inside of her thighs with your hands. tickle them too. it feels good.
- use your stiff, pointier tongue to penetrate. use a flat, soft tongue to lick lengthwise. i recommend licking from perineum to clitoris.
- roll the clitoral hood between your lips.
- suck the clitoris into your mouth and play with it using your tongue.
- be creative. use combinations of these tricks to make her go crazy. use variations of speed, pressure, etc.
- supplement tongue/lip action with fingers and thumbs.
- DO NOT stick your bearded/scratchy face into her vagina. this leads to irritation of the urinal opening. urinary tract infections are way not cool.
- DO NOT be rough!
- DO NOT use teeth on the clitoris! (unless she's into that, in which case, wait till she specifies).

so. this has gone from me wondering what's wrong with me, to me realizing that there's nothing wrong with me, people just don't know how to have sex anymore. and then it turned into girl-pleasure 101. i hope you enjoyed. i sure did :)

love!

overdue!

2010-03-25T18:36:00.000-07:00

ok so i've been way lame at updating this regularly as of late... but it's only because my life has just been getting awesomer and awesomer by the day that it's hard to keep up with the other stuff that i once used to keep myself busy :P

now i have to get used to writing about how awesome everything is in new and exciting ways that don't all sound the same.

i think i can do that.

yesterday i made $5 in tips. sweet! then this mother and her 3 kids came in and ordered some lunches... soup and sandwiches. the two girls wanted cupcakes, and they kept asking how much it cost, and they didn't have enough money. so they were asking their mom to help them get cupcakes, but their mom clearly wasn't comfortable spending so much money. but the youngest girl had such a bright twinkle in her eye at the thought of having a cupcake, and she was so sure she could somehow come up with a way of getting enough money scraped together to have one. it reminded me of me! so i bought her and her sister cupcakes with my tip. it worked out perfectly, as the cupcakes are $2.50 each!

i realized i got way more happiness for my dollar in that exchange. if i'd spent the $5 on just myself, i would have experienced happiness for the moment(s) i was relishing in the thing i bought. but because i spent it on those cupcakes for those girls, the happiness was spread to 3 people. and a moment of happiness is so powerful, and 3 people experiencing a moment of happiness in the same proximity is even more powerful. so much flow of goodness happens when several people are happy together. the happiness bounces between them all, growing stronger and stronger, higher and higher. this vibration is so powerful. this is why things like festivals and parties and gatherings of like minds are so amazing to witness.

go to a concert (i recommend phish... or the flaming lips, whom i will be seeing very soon!), and while you're there, tripping face i assume, take a look around. look at all the bodies turned in the direction of the band, writhing and moving to the same rhythm. imagine if you were deaf and at the same concert. you would only be able to feel the rhythms pulsing tangibly through you. how interesting it would be to experience music from that perspective.

music is like the heart. i noticed this when i was at a phish show last year. i did the very thing i described above. i realized that the music was beating us together, and in our frenzied states, we the energized "blood cells" will bring life to the rest of the body. as we talk about how awesome it was, as we spread the joy, as we play the music, as we dance in our rooms... we pump through the veins, merrily dancing along. it wouldn't be so bad to be a red blood cell in a human body. i think it would be fun. the whooOOOOOOOSH! as you swirl through the arteries, dropping of oxygen, picking up CO2, and feeling the rhythm of the ether's music, made manifest by the dub-LUB of the heart muscle. a drum that beats itself for decades on end. and we don't even have to think about it.

ah but i'm rambling. how's that for an update?

more later :D

LOVE!!!

tidal wave!

2010-03-23T15:52:00.000-07:00

i am riding the wave of manifestation

the momentum is building.

evidence of alignment is showing up.

i'm having fun.

i hope you are too :D

cleansing

2010-03-12T12:28:00.000-08:00

my body is cleansing itself. it's a little uncomfortable, but with my newest mantras, i am transcending the discomfort and looking forward to the new, fresh, energized body that awaits me!

my new mantras are

"this is only temporary..."
and
"i might as well feel good right now."

it's really helping a lot, because i know that my throat is going to be sore whether i feel happy or sad. my muscles are going to be achy whether or not i have positive thoughts flowing through my mind constantly. this temporary discomfort within my body temple is simply the difference between my mind's vibration and the vibration that has been held within my cells for so long. i'm glad that my body is so intelligent that it knows exactly how to clean itself out. and even though it's a little bit uncomfortable for a few days, i know the reward of a healthy, bendy, fresh body is going to be very worth it! i'd rather have a couple of days of intense discomfort than a longer period of time dealing with mediocre comfort. all of the gunk that built up in my body for years is finally being shucked, and i'm really looking forward to the experience of health and energy that i will soon meet up with!

i am really thankful to have a body. and i'm really glad that my body is beautiful and healthy. i feel very good knowing that Source is always providing me with well-being, and that i am doing such a good job of allowing it to flow into my experience! i'm glad i know the things i know! i have come so very far in the mastery of my mind! i'm really proud of myself.

it feels so much better to have this mindset in an experience of "sickness" than it is to experience sickness with a low mindset like an older version of me used to have. i'm really glad i've done the "work" it takes to focus my thoughts in a positive direction. it's so easy to do now, because i'm just always doing it! new habits of thought! and i thought it would be hard, but it totally isn't once you realize what negative emotion indicates! if you haven't checked out Abraham-Hicks on youtube yet, i definitely recommend you do that now. of course, you may or may not click with the message they have, but don't worry. all in good time, my friends!

LOVE!

ॐ

2010-03-01T21:11:00.001-08:00

i don't know why the title bar keeps changing the font to sanskrit, but i kinda like it.

i just realized a couple of things about myself that i would like to erradicate.

one is, when i get really close to getting what i have been asking for, and i decide i want to go for it and enjoy it, part of me gets scared that it's "not right" or that i'll regret it later.

another silly habit i have is of getting bored with an idea of mine before it even gets out of the planning stage.

i'm glad i've noticed these habits of mine, it means i'll be able to recognize when i'm participating in that kind of behavior, and turn in a different direction.

when i find that i begin to have negative emotion, i notice it and i pay attention to the thoughts that have just gone through my mind and i say to myself "these thoughts are bringing me negative emotion. i want positive emotion, so what can i think of that will bring me that?" it's really helpful.

another thing i have been doing is adding "now" to the end of my sentences... like "i need to do my laundry.... NOW" because if i get into the habit of saying "yeah, i'll do that later" it's just the same as saying "i'll get it done, never." there is no such thing as later. there is only Now, and to waste Now is to waste your power. all of your power of forgiveness for the past is NOW. all of your power of pre-paving the future to be happier and healthier is NOW. all of your creation is NOW experienced. any other time does not exist!

i find it so much easier to live life one day at a time. i am really loving my experience!

love!

ok, frustration, you win this time...

2010-02-26T06:30:00.000-08:00

i keep getting pissed off at my mom. she's always up in mah biznass. so obnoxious. i know that it is only because i am expecting this vibration from her... and i want to expect a different vibration from her, but this is all i've known.

i can appreciate her for the contrast she is living, which is creating great expansion in the universe. i can appreciate her for the creative ideas she often has. but it's hard to do that all the time... i think i'll just stay away from her, because i don't know how to regard her without activating low vibrations within myself.

i want to get out of here. i want to be independent. i am getting impatient! i need to go to my Source Well and fill up. i need to do that every day.

don't know what else to write. feel like i've been blocking myself creatively.

love

no more excuses

2010-02-25T04:28:00.000-08:00

i have fallen into a habit of being unproductive beyond belief.

this is unacceptable. how will i ever achieve anything if i don't start being productive starting now?

no excuses. for every excuse that comes out of my mouth, i think i will do one pushup.

i am reading Think and Grow Rich, by napoleon hill. it's amazing. i think everyone should read it. you can download the e-book for free here: http://www.selfstartersweeklytips.com/tagr.htm

it's free, so you really have no excuse not to read it. unless you don't want to be a millionaire. suit yourself. i've got big things to do, so i'll be doing them while you are sitting on your ass complaining!

kick it into gear!

love!

hmmm

2010-02-23T21:51:00.000-08:00

i feel compelled to write.... but about what, i don't know yet.

perhaps it will flow out of me like it often does. i find myself typing out sentences that i barely have time to hear in my head first. i don't know where the words come from, but they're usually truthful.

i find i teach my own lessons. but a lot of the time i forget that, and i get in the mind frame of "this person has a lesson to learn, they just don't see it yet." and i get arrogant a little, and i lecture them, telling them how it is. but i don't listen to my own lectures. i should do that more often. i should listen to my own lectures. because they're always correct, but they're always for me.

this morning my mom tried to convince me that astrology isn't a spiritual practice. and neither is tarot. i tried to tell her that she is misunderstanding these things, and that they are founded in spiritual principles. but she didn't hear me. she kept talking over me before i could even finish what i was saying. and then she said that i was doing the same thing. i hardly ever argue anymore, because it riles me up and i don't like feeling riled up. i can feel my internal energy tensing, preparing to defend. i don't have anything that needs to be defended. i know that astrology is a spiritual practice for me, i don't need my mother to explain to me that my knowing must be wrong. there are a lot of things she has told me that are completely incorrect. but i based a lot of my understanding of the world on the "truths" she gave me when i was young. i know when i know the truth, and the truest truth needs no defense. the truth just is, and you either know it or you don't. there's no debating it. it just is.

i like how far i've come. i have changed so much. it is interesting to look back at myself the way i was a year ago. i think i had strep throat at the time. i had it for almost a month. it was miserable! now i know what the real cause of it was. now i know that all dis-ease comes from vibrational disharmony. and at that time, i was in extreme disharmony with myself. i had very low opinions of myself and a lot of others. i was angsty, depressed, and frustrated with my love life. and i was having a very difficult time in my collage class, which was probably why the problem was in my throat. my creative energy was all blocked up. just thinking about it makes my throat twinge! really!

i'm so thankful for where i am in my life right now. i say this all the time, and sometimes it feels like i'm just saying it and it doesn't mean anything, but i really am. i really am thankful for where i am and how far i've come. i love the beautiful woman i am growing into. i love the experiences i am creating for myself. i love my life!

where were you a year ago? where are you now in comparison? are you thankful for what has lead you to this place, here and now? even the difficult parts? because they are just as necessary as the pleasant parts. without the bad, the good could not be appreciated fully. i experienced a lot of really difficult lessons this year. a lot was brought to my attention that i was completely unaware of. a lot of my vibration has been re-vamped in the last year. i'm really glad. i'm much happier now, and i only see it getting better and better every day :D

love!

lessons!

2010-02-21T02:49:00.000-08:00

i love learning lessons, putting the pieces together to see a new area of my life of which i needed awareness.

the past couple days, i've been feeling really social and charming. i was really milking it, and basically toying with every guy in my vicinity and getting them all to give me things and do things for me. it was fun while it lasted... but today i was feeling a little low and guilty and i tried to push it aside. but i realized as i was brushing my teeth that i have had guys do that to me and it felt awful. so even though i know these things about what abraham says... that the only person you have responsibility for is you and that you shouldn't worry about other people's vibrations... it doesn't mean i can just do anything to anybody and then say "well, it's not MY fault you feel this way, you should take responsibility for your OWN vibration!" that's a rather cruel way that a beautiful and liberating truth can be twisted. i'm glad i tested that out and figured out what that really was. it helped me to define the teachings a little more clearly in my own life.

i know i keep saying this, but i can really feel myself getting better and better every day!

i have, however, been slacking a little when it comes to taking care of my body. i've been eating lots of food, and most of it is carbs and junk. yes, i know that my body is resilient and that it can survive on almost anything, and that's awesome and such a blessing, but that doesn't mean i should be giving my body anything less than what it truly desires. my body desires fresh fruits and vegetables, whole grains, legumes and nuts, and not much else. i've been forgetting that food is not just something that is pleasurable for the mouth. that's what leads to so much dysfunctional eating in this world. we are forgetting that at the end of our throat is our stomach, and our stomach has to do work to break down what we put into it. it's a super smart organ, and it can digest just about anything. but why not make its job as easy and pleasing as possible? why put high amounts of greasy, dense crap in our mouths just because it's physically enjoyable to feel it in our mouth and mash it up with our teeth? why do we say "shut up stomach, i know you feel like bursting, but my mouth isn't done masturbating yet. you'll just have to deal with one more bite, okay?!"

no more! i am either eating fresh and healthy vegetables and fruit, etc... or i am eating nothing at all. i much prefer being energized to being lethargic, and eating just because i can and i feel like it makes me SO LETHARGIC. and that's super unproductive. i am choosing to be productive and energized in my life experience. i am choosing to discipline myself into healthy and joyous habits! no more slacking! i am moving forward and taking control of my mouth! from now on, stomach first, mouth second!

i love learning lessons! life is so good! it's so fun to know how to navigate my mind and know how to get aligned no matter how far into the darkness i decide to explore at any given moment. i love it!

i love all of YOUUUUUUU!!!

be beautiful!

leaves

2010-02-19T04:58:00.000-08:00

i see stubborn old leaves clinging to snow-covered branches outside my window
refusing to let go.
refusing to move on.
hardly noticing that their initial purpose has been fulfilled and therefore transformed
hardly noticing that they have withered away and become rigid in their old ways
hardly noticing that the life around them is taking a different direction
that they are no longer needed here
that there is a new purpose for them now
refusing to come to grips with the reality that their brown, old bodies are better on the ground
in their desperate hope to revive old times
cling to the past
see another green day
they miss their chance at new life
they hear not the calling of the Great Compost Bin In The Sky
they do not see past the seeming doom and gloom of death
they see death as an end
rather than a chance to begin anew
in their fear of what lies ahead
they rob themselves of the very thing they most desire
and isn't that what we all do?

silly anxiety, bad feelings are for grown ups!

2010-02-19T03:11:00.000-08:00

i am getting better and better every day. i'm finding it easier and easier to feel happiness at any given moment just by desiring it and searching for it and holding onto it. it's so good to know that it really is that easy!

i've been using EFT to clear a lot of negative feelings, and it has done wonders! i feel like my mind is so much clearer than it has been in so long. i notice more and more often when there is an absence of thought, and when i notice a lapse in thought, i fill my mind with loving thoughts of myself and those people in my life who bring me joy. i am so thankful for this new fresh mind i am creating, because it was getting really difficult to choose my own thoughts amidst the mire of rambling nonsense that once occupied my headspace! i feel clearer and more able to focus than i ever have before.

for a minute today, i was thinking about bonnaroo. you see, there is a contest i am going to win, and the 5 winners of this contest will receive a $10,000 grant to go on an international reporting mission with the Pulitzer Center. this is awesome! and i'm so excited that this opportunity came to me (via facebook!). but i started worrying that if i go on this trip, it could very well be at the same time as bonnaroo. and i really want to go to bonnaroo this year! the flaming lips are opening! you have no idea how significant this is to me! about a week before i found this out, i was thinking to myself "wouldn't it be wonderful if the flaming lips came to bonnaroo this year?" and i got that tingly-all-over feeling that i get when i connect really hard with the universe. and the next day i found out they are going to be in a nearby town in the spring, and that a friend of mine from Fest 8 will be going! the universe lined up two shows by my favorite band over the span of less than a month! how awesome! but still i worry that there could be a chance that bonnaroo would conflict with the international trip. and it was causing me a bit of negative emotion to think about this. and then i remembered that negative emotion is only experienced when your thoughts are not in alignment with Source. and so i must look at these things with a new perspective. a grander, more trusting and knowing perspective.

i trust that the universe has brought me exactly what i have asked for, and that i am getting everything i desire. i trust that the universe is not taunting and teasing in nature, and that i would not have these desires if it were not within the capabilities of the universe to make them happen for me. i need not worry that perhaps the universe has made a mistake, and that i would have to choose between two equally desired outcomes. i trust that the universe has brought these opportunities to me for a reason, and that they are lined up in perfect sequence so that i may go to bonnaroo AND see the world with the pulitzer center. and how wonderful it will be when i get to experience these wonderful things that i have asked for and that Source has provided! how wonderful it is to know that the universe is taking care of my desires in such unique and beautiful ways, and that it is doing its best to surprise me in how things happen! isn't it wonderful that i know where i want to go, and that i can take such easy steps to get there! just choose thoughts that feel better and better and better! just keep floating downstream and allow the goodness to flow towards me! i am so thankful that it really is this easy! i am so thankful for all the exciting adventures on which i am embarking every day!

i love my life! it is so full of wonder and excitement! my life is so rich with amazing opportunities for creation and adventure! i love exploring this planet and finding new desires and passions within me! i love meeting like-minded people and seeing how they expand the universe in such unique and beautiful ways through the experience of life! i adore myself and my lust for life and all that this universe has to offer! i am hungry for it! give me more, universe! i desire more and more and more! it is so good! keep giving it to me! YESSSS!

hahaha, sex with the universe=PURE CREATION AT ITS BEST.

loving all of you!

hibernate

2010-02-18T23:33:00.000-08:00

i see stubborn old leaves clinging to snow-covered branches outside my window.
their organic tethers binding them to the sleeping god that birthed them
used them to feed itself
refuses to let them be free
sometimes i wonder
if i am the leaf
or the tree.

hibernation in a hyper nation
restlessly wishing for action
anticipating spring
when i can burst forth into new life
emerging from my confining seed
blooming out in the wake of incubation

eventually succumbing to the long-needed rest
sleep.
no longer fighting the dormancy
no longer fearing the waste of frozen sunlight
loving the sweet nothingness of slumber.

थे क़ुइक्क ब्रोव्न फोक्स जुम्प्स ओवर थे लज्य दोग

2010-02-18T14:13:00.000-08:00

for some reason, my title decided to be in... hindi? it would be really cool to learn sanskrit.

if you have never heard of EFT, or if you have heard of it and haven't tried it, you should go try it right now. it's amazing, and just a few days of consistent tapping sessions has dramatically improved my mind. i find it so easy to clear away negative thoughts that try to peek in and settle down and make camp in my head, jabbering away at me with their incessant nonsense.

EFT (emotional freedom technique) is a system which uses tapping on certain points on the meridians (lines along which energy flows through the body, as established by acupuncture and ancient chinese medicine) combined with affirmations to reprogram the subconscious mind.

your subconscious mind consists of something like 90% of your brain activity, and it controls your bodily functions, your habits, and most of the thought patterns that you experience throughout the day. your subconscious is programmed during your early childhood. anything you pick up from the environment around you (ie your parents/authority figures/etc) is taken in and rooted into your brain's wiring. so if you have any kind of fear, like a fear of disapproval or of failure or anything else, it is likely that it was programmed into you by those around you when you were very little. fortunately, the brain is very plastic (maleable), and you can re-write your programming! and EFT is definitely the best method i've tried. other things like hypnosis are good too, but it's kinda hard to hypnotize yourself. once you learn the basics of EFT, you don't need to go to a professional. and it's free to learn.

i'm going to start making my own EFT sequences for specific blocks/fears/discomforts that i know i have:

-sex/discomfort with intimacy
-back/shoulder pain
-public speaking
-social interaction
-procrastination
-money (there are lots of videos on youtube that are about this!)
-creativity/creative inspiration
-sleep (too much, at the wrong time of day!)

yeah those are just a few. you can literally tap on ANYTHING. in the video i will show you, a man tapped away his multiple schlerosis!

loving all of you!

magical number 40!

2010-02-17T03:13:00.000-08:00

it's my 40th post: perfect for the epicness of what i'm about to write.

i know what i want to do with my life. i know how to put it into words. before, it was vague. too vague for me to set as a specific goal. but now i know.

i want my whole life to be my art project. and my art is what will be the rift. all who regard it will be changed forever, and will not be able to go back to the way they once were. and none will escape its effects.

i want to create such powerfully crafted works that the very earth will forever be changed for the better. i want my work to be so controversial that it cannot be ignored.

i want my work to be the last straw that breaks the camel's back. the camel being this lifestyle of pain and suffering and destruction. this division between brethren. this mindset of lack and godly forgetfulness.

i want to do big things. enormous things.

i am starting my career today. now that i know where i'm heading, i'm ready to go.

just thought i'd let y'all know that :)

LOVE!

be magnificent!

2010-02-15T00:35:00.000-08:00

i am claiming my magnificence and glory, here and now, and forever more. i am a powerful and creative godbeing and i love myself. i am the best me that ever walked the face of this earth. i have expanded the universe in unique and beautiful ways, and for this i deserve everything i have ever desired. i deserve wealth. i deserve beautiful experience. i deserve love from all directions, in every form i could ever ask for.

it is important that i claim these things, each and every day. you should do the same. claim your worth.

i really don't know what to write about. i feel like this has been a time of absorbing and learning for me, rather than spouting truth. you'll have to forgive me in this time of transformation. on the surface my life appears to be stagnant... but it's really a necessary period of rest and re-programming, in preparation for the upcoming adventures of the spring and summer. i'm excited for these adventures to come! and sometimes i wish they would hurry up and get here... but i am coming to realize more and more every day the value of this period of time. i am living for free right now. i have a room of my own and a SUPER comfortable bed, which i don't have to pay for. i have access to food all day every day, which i don't have to pay for. i have luxuries that many people in this world will never have the fortune to experience. and it's winter, so nothing is going on anyway! therefore, i get to hibernate and really use this time to rest my body and my mind and my heart and my soul. i have zero responsibilities, no obligations to anyone but myself and my vibration. i'm so lucky to have this vacation! i fought it tooth and nail, complaining of boredom and restlessness... worrying about not having money or a job. how silly of me! there's nothing to complain about! i am in an ideal situation right now for what needs to be experienced in my life. i needed to settle down for a minute, get my bearings, screw my head on straight, develop constructive habits (like meditating, and talking to myself HAHA!). i needed to hunker down and sleep off the whirlwind that has been my life for so long.

wow. after typing that, i realize how very true it is. i haven't had a period of rest in my life in a very long time. not since i was a kid. ever since high school it's been homework homework homework, follow rules, listen to other people's orders, be here on time, wake up at this time, go here at that time, do this because i told you to, do that because otherwise you'll fail. i'm really glad i can just sit, and be, and feel. i have absolutely nothing that i have to do. it took a minute to get used to that, but i'm really liking it! and when spring is here it will feel so good to thaw out and ease back into life with new vigor and excitement!

i love typing, because things really flow out of me that wouldn't flow if i was writing by hand. i can type much faster than i can write. funny enough, when i first had to learn how to type in school i hated it and i thought i would never learn. then i got instant messenger, and i learned so quickly! i never really did click with conventional school. it was all so ridiculous. in the beginning it was way too easy and i aced everything and didn't learn. then i got to high school and we actually had to do work, and i wasn't used to it. and i knew everything, and was smarter than most kids in grades above me. but i didn't like to do homework. and if i didn't understand the way something was taught, i just tuned it out and didn't get it. like math. math is awesome, and i understand it really well if it is taught to me in a way that i can understand. such is the way with a lot of things. like typing. now i'm really good at typing, better than my parents. i almost never have type-o's.

i'm so great! i'm so great! lol.

no for real, i'm pretty great. thank goodness for that.

ok, now i'm just getting goofy. it's 5:07am and i'm only awake because i woke up from a nightmare at 2. there was a dead boar on the street in front of the bus i had just gotten off. i went across the street, and suddenly the boar was coming after me. when i woke up, the last thought in my mind was "i was becoming the boar."

i don't quite know what it means.

anyway, hope all y'all had a happy valentine's day. or as my good friend says, happy "singles awareness day."

lol.

LOVE!

2010-02-10T22:12:00.000-08:00

without me, Source could not express in the exact way that i am expressing, so i am just as important as Source that is non physical.
and others' good qualities are Source, (which is Me) reflecting myself back to me. telling me how great i really am.
there is nothing in my outer reality which does not reflect a vibration in my inner reality.
i am important in the equation, and i am the only person who should be focused on by me... that is, i am the only one i can control, and therefore monitoring my vibration is more important than regarding the vibration of others(good or bad)

finding the balance

2010-02-10T04:36:00.000-08:00

so my latest lesson is in finding the balance between selfishness and selflessness.

it is important to be selfish in this way: every single human being has access to all of the wealth and opportunity and excitement that Source has to offer. nobody needs to give up their fortune in order for others to be able to have some. the universe is so abundant that everyone can have HUGE amounts of prosperity and joy. therefore, being excited and thankful for one's wealth, and selfishly maintaining a vibration which matches that of wealth, is important!

but if you expect the universe to bless you with your "veritable fortune" as Abraham-Hicks says, then you need to offer a vibration of givingness rather than takingness.

there's a difference between receiving the gifts of the universe, and trying to take from the universe. it's a subtle difference, but it's quite clear. and i think what i've been doing a lot is taking. i can feel the vibration of manipulation within me. i can recognize when i'm making a point to let the people around me know that i hope to receive something. i don't think this is how it's supposed to work! i'm pretty sure that when the universe gives, it gives freely and not because i have to try and get it out of my friends or relatives.

i realized this after receiving the second scam in two weeks. i got a letter saying i had won $250,000, and a check for $4900+ which was meant to pay for taxes. i took it to the bank and asked if it was for real, and they told me it was not. but i'd been so excited! for a second i glimpsed the potential of having a fortune which i could tap into at any time, which would allow me to do EVERYTHING i've been wanting to do.

i'm still trusting that the universe is gonna pull through and surprise me with something grand. everything always works out like that. it's the rushing and the impatience that blocks things up. manifestations take time. so i'm quite sure that by the time bonnaroo rolls around (have you seen the lineup??? it's AWESOME!), the money i've been wishing for will have manifested. i'm so thankful for the universe and it's cleverness. i'm probably going to make madd bank in some crazy way that i can't even imagine. i'm stoked to find out what that will be!

so i was looking on craigslist at nanny jobs. one post wasn't even offering monetary compensation, just a room. i realized that i'm living at my parents' house for free, and i might as well be making an effort to clean up around the place. if i was working or staying at someone else's house, i would feel compelled to clean up just because. and i like cleaning. i don't know what it is about being at my house that makes me forget how much i love cleaning other people's houses. why not pretend i'm at someone else's place and just clean? or just pretend that i'm at my own house and it is my responsibility to clean my own place. that way, i'm offering a vibration of "being-at-my-own-place-ness," which (according to the law of attraction, which is always in place) HAS to be matched by a situation in which i am actually at my own place.

i love the way things work in this universe. and i'm so excited to be learning how to master myself and use the Laws to my advantage.

if you haven't checked out Abraham-Hicks, pleez do so! there's a post below that has a clip in it :)

LOVE!

PS. i'm really proud of myself for having figured out this lesson! i think i've been manipulating people for most of my life! it's awesome that i've just recognized that within myself and now understand how to take action to change that for the better! YES!

a brief update?

2010-02-07T11:32:00.000-08:00

life is awesome.

the day before yesterday, i set my intention for yesterday to contain serendipitous encounters. well, it sure did!

i went to see a show at a bar downtown, and i ended up meeting two people whom i had met this summer and haven't seen since. both of these guys are aquarius. and they happen to be best friends with each other! one guy i met in the lot after a phish show. the other guy i met in a bar in my town. how weird, right? i love it! the universe always sneaks up on me, even when my requests are answered. i ask for something, and the universe comes up with the most surprising way of giving it to me!

so today is superbowl sunday, and i'm going to my first ever superbowl party! yay! i'm a gwown up now!

i don't pay much attention to sports. at least, not watching them. how boring, to watch sports being played on television rather than to just do them yourself. but that's just me. i like running around and playing, and if i'm sitting down to watch a box of light, i'd like to learn something from it rather than just numb my mind.

i love my life and all the people in it! i know so many people! i've passed through so many tribes of kids so far in my incarnation. i'm excited to create my own tribe.

tonight is gonna be fun! i'm gonna meet and interact with lots of awesome people and it feels soooooo goooooood!

LOVE!

wondrous changes!

2010-01-31T14:31:00.000-08:00

if you haven't heard of Abraham-Hicks yet, you NEED to look them up on youtube. my life has literally changed DRAMATICALLY since i started listening to their wisdom two days ago!

we hear all of this stuff about manifesting and creating your own reality, and everyone has their own methods and everyone is saying their method is the best. it's all very confusing, and i had been feeling like i was missing something... that i was doing it wrong somehow. since coming across Abraham-Hicks, i am SO MUCH less worried about myself and my creation.

Esther Hicks is a woman who channels the wisdom of a group of 4th dimensional beings known collectively as Abraham. i know that sounds rather odd to some people, but it is amazing wisdom. i am so much happier than i was before i found them, and i was becoming pretty okay with my life and myself. but now i remember what it is like to be happy, and i don't think i've felt this good in a very long time. it's really wonderful!

i cannot describe the wisdom and do it justice. just go check it out on youtube. here's a good one:

i've been making an effort to go to the cemetery around the block from my house every morning to watch the sunrise. it's really wonderful! nobody goes in there at this time of year, and at the time of day i go, so it's a whole big area of hills and trees, and i can be completely alone there! i can shout my gratitude from the top of a hill! my recommendation to anyone reading this is to find a place in nature that you can easily access, where you can be completely alone and uninterrupted, and just go there for a little while every day. it makes such a big difference in one's well-being and that's all i want for anyone.

loving all of you!

darkroom

2010-01-29T07:24:00.001-08:00

well, so much for getting to bed early! i haven't slept yet, but i did see the sunrise :) haha, i actually had a great morning. i'm feelin good!

i realized something while i was meditating this morning. i was thinking about being in a darkroom, and how much i love it. i get those really pleasant chills when i'm in a pitch-black room, with nobody but me, and a task at hand. and i emerge victorious, with film canister in hand, ready to work with a new artistic potential. such is the same with life for me, a scorpio woman. although i often feel afraid when i am in the throes of depression, there is something in the darkness that must be experienced. something very intangible. a chilling loneliness that cannot be matched in well-lit areas. it's the same reason why i love going into cemeteries at night. nobody is there! nobody dares go there because they're secretly too afraid. but we scorpios are too intrigued by the darkness for our fear to overpower our curiosity.

i haven't talked about astrology yet, but it is something i love very much. i always feel so honored to be a scorpio. it is the most mysterious and complex of all the astrological energies. and i have a LOT of scorpio energy in me (4 planets in fact!). scorpio is intense and passionate, that's what everyone knows already. but everyone is afraid of scorpios because we have a bad reputation. we're not assholes, i promise! we're mostly just misunderstood, much like a scorpion. i've held scorpions, they're actually quite docile. there is nothing to be afraid of. you just need to be aware that if a scorpion feels threatened, it will issue warnings, and then it will use its stinger. same with scorpios. you do not want to fuck around with a scorpio. we will never let on when we are feeling vulnerable or hurt. you won't know it for a very long time. but we always remember, every single offense is taken into account. until one day, out of the blue, we EXPLODE! it seems like it's for the stupidest reason, but it is because of the straw breaking the camel's back. watch out! anyone in the way will be stung without mercy and without thought. it is instinct, and it is automatic and almost involuntary.

i say almost because it is the scorpio's greatest self-development task to master her temper. scorpios have the greatest capacity for transcendence. many are unaware that there are actually 3 animals associated with scorpio, one of which is the phoenix, which burns itself up in a passionate explosion, only to rise anew from the ashes.

this is what my life has been like for the past few months. an old, frightened, unloved and unloving me died a slow and painful death that lasted from the end of november until a couple of weeks ago. and today a fresh, beautiful, bright young phoenix is rising from the ashes of what used to be my life. whew!

anyway, if any of you are scorpios, let me know about your own experiences! i know you know what i'm talking about when i mention the darkness. or maybe you're too distracted with all the earth-shattering sex you're having? who knows :P

LOVE!

commitments

2010-01-28T12:49:00.000-08:00

i need to learn to keep my commitments, to myself and the rest of myself (in the form of other people).

so far i have kept my commitment to meditate every morning and every night before bed. but i have not kept the commitment to myself to wake up early enough to see the sunrise every morning. it should be an easy commitment, simply a matter of rearranging my sleeping schedule. it's not like i am required to stay up until 3 am every night. it's just how things have happened. how do i change it though? it seems like every time i manage to wake up earlier in the day, i get so tired midway through that i fall asleep and mess it all up again...

i guess commitments take willpower. when making a commitment to oneself, you are making an agreement that you are going to do something that will be good for you, even if one day you don't "feel like it." you must push past the "i don't feel like it" stage, because that is the stage that will always keep us where we are, and stop us from going where we want.

so today, i am going to bed before midnight. i am going to meditate early enough in the night so that i succeed in fulfilling this commitment today. just for today, i am going to bed early enough so that i can wake up and see the sunrise.

just for today, i am going to hold fast to my commitments. just for today, i will stick like glue to the commitments i have made to myself in order that i may experience a balanced and joyful life.

just for today, i will eradicate the laziness that ego creates in me!

loving you all!

aaaaaahhhhhh, yes.

2010-01-27T17:04:00.000-08:00

so i have been attuned to Reiki. it's such a subtle change i feel, but i definitely feel different. i feel like i can handle anything that comes my way. i feel balanced and centered. i know that this feeling may or may not be permanent, but at least i know what it feels like, so i can recognize better when i am not balanced or centered.

i am feeling so trusting in the good outcomes of things. i feel thankful knowing that i am now acting from a place of centered consciousness.

i don't even know what to write. i've changed so much since even a couple weeks ago. at that time i was chomping at the bit to get out of this town and go back to school. now i am so aware that staying where i am was the best choice for me, because i have really been able to settle into myself and my place in this world. i know that i can only go up from here, and that is a comforting thought. i am so willing and able to stay here and really solidify the centered feeling i have right now. then, when i go forth this summer and have amazing adventures all over the place, i will be able to do so from a place of balance and love and harmony. and when i go back to school, i will have so much wonderful knowledge and wisdom about myself under my belt, and i will be able to be a much better student than i could have been this semester!

i'm so thankful for everything that i have chosen in this lifetime. i have been so blessed to know amazing people and to experience incredible and beautiful things. and i am thankful for the awareness of my Being, which allows me to create and experience everything i can dream of.

love to everyone!

changes

2010-01-25T10:01:00.000-08:00

have you ever been through a period in your life where so much change occurred all at once that when things settled down, you realized you weren't at all the same person?

i feel like that now.

it's not bad at all. it's just really strange. i feel like my mind is a blank slate. but where to go from here? what do i wish to do?

i need to take a shower. my reiki attunement is today :)

floating in space

2010-01-24T21:55:00.000-08:00

i have never been in this place before. i am at a point where everything in my life has so radically shifted that i can't imagine trying to go back to the way things once were... but at the same time, i feel like i don't know at all where i want to go from here. all of the books i read tell me that i need to set goals and take steps towards those goals. but i don't know what i'm trying to accomplish. i don't really know my mission yet. i suppose that means i'm still in the phase of working on myself and solidifying new habits before i go and do big things that may throw me off balance.

i am getting my reiki level 1 attunement tomorrow! i'm really excited for it. i've wanted to become attuned ever since i first heard what reiki was.

i never thought i would feel afraid of love. i always was so hungry for romance in my life. in all aspects, not just a relationship. i love romance. i love regarding my life as if it's a movie that i'm creating/watching. perhaps that's why so much drama seems to come my way. movies just aren't the same without a little drama i guess. what would life be like without any drama at all? would it even be interesting? what would there be to talk about if it weren't for gossip, politics, celebrities, and all the DRAMA we experience all the time? what would happiness feel like if i forgot what depression felt like?

questions like these sometimes make me wish i could just STOP. cease existence. it all feels like such a game sometimes. like it's pointless, so can i stop playing now?

anyway, i just feel kind of wary of romance right now in my life. i just escaped a whirlwind of romantic turmoil so recently, and now i'm faced with a new potential and find myself totally confused. what do i want? i guess it's best to answer that question by first asking "what don't i want?"

i don't want to feel trapped
i don't want to feel worried
i don't want to feel like everything i do has weight to it
i don't want constant wondering in my head... is he right for me? do i love him? when will it end? is this forever? do i want this to be forever?
i don't want to settle for someone just because he's the only one around/available.
i don't want to have expectations placed on me
i don't want to argue or struggle for common ground
i just want to stop wondering what the consequences will be! i feel stuck in a corner, wondering if i'm going to make the right decision. i feel like every decision i make will affect the rest of my life. what if i mess it up? what if i end up with something i didn't want? what if i hurt someone or myself?

paralyzed with fear? this shouldn't be me. fear is clouding my intuition right when i need it the most!

i guess, in the situation i'm in right now, i am forgetting to use communication skills. i'm forgetting that it's best to be completely honest in every moment.

i think i'm rambling now. time to meditate and go to bed. tomorrow is going to be a great day :) today was sort of apathetic and hazy. i spent the whole day sleeping/lazing/laying around.

love!

hypochondria

2010-01-23T08:06:00.000-08:00

i've been thinking about the word "hypochondria" as it pertains to me. looking back on my life since high school, it seemed like one thing after another was wrong with my body. i dislocated my knee several times between ninth grade and now. i had super bad lower back pain for almost an entire summer once. i had a foot injury that had residual effects up until recently. i had to go to physical therapy for a shoulder problem that hasn't managed to leave yet. i had pains in my lungs for several months in 2009. i had a recurring bladder infection from july until present. it's been one thing after another going wrong with my body. as my friend put it (a little sarcastically?) "wow, you're falling apart."

this lead to a lot of paranoia about my body. i was constantly worrying about whether i would ever be completely healthy again, wondering what was going to go wrong next. this is hypochondria if i ever saw it! it's so funny, because i always laughed at the idea of hypochondria. people basically making up nonsense ailments in their heads, and convincing themselves that they are experiencing symptoms.

then my friend yesterday told me that i need to get my "control drama in check." he said that i am "poor me incarnate" and that whenever any kind of energy channel is opened with me, i start in on what is going wrong with my life.

this made me remember that i've been doing this with ALL aspects of my life: my body, my financial situation, my college experience, my family, my EVERYTHING. instead of looking at what IS healthy in my experience, i have been worrying about the parts that feel "off," and wondering what's going to go wrong next.

of course, the irony of hypochondria is "what you think about, you bring about." a hypochondriac is worrying so much about one little "symptom," imaginary or real, and focuses so much on it that it ends up getting worse and actually being something which consumes the person.

this is not how i wish to use my time! wasting it by focusing on one little ache or pain and in effect, ignoring all the health that i have been blessed with.

i think a lot of us experience hypochondria in our lives. we get caught up in the drama surrounding us in the media and in our perceived realities. we focus on that drama, talk about it as if it's important, and then internalize the resulting vibration. then we look for the next thing to complain about, until we really have nothing to talk about that doesn't somehow lead to complaining or gossiping.

gossip and complaint are the worst wastes of thought and word energy. it is focusing on what is wrong in the outside world, which distracts us from the things we can work on internally.

as dr, wayne dyer says, "when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change." are you looking at your life and only seeing the "problems" you have? why not be thankful for the problems you don't have? there are a lot more of those! some people in this world go their entire lives without drinking a glass of clean water. NOT ONCE. i know some people who actually have the audacity to complain about the taste of the tap water in my town. my town has some of the tastiest drinking water in this world! what is there to complain about? of course, some people don't even drink water because they don't like it. i will never understand these people. but to each his own. my point is, there's nothing to complain about. we are not experiencing war first hand. we are not in the midst of a famine. we are not quarantined or wearing face masks due to airborn epidemic diseases like bird flu or anything. and we wash our asses with cleaner water than some people ever get to drink! there is a lot to be thankful for, but it takes effort. you have to be diligent in the observation of your thoughts and words. but this is such an easy way to change the world. change your perspective first. notice the ways in which your life is actually pretty awesome, rather than focusing all of your energy on what is "wrong" or "falling apart" in your life. if something is supposed to fall apart, it's going to whether you like it or not. you might as well be thankful for it, because complaining about something inevitable never stopped it from happening. yes, be thankful for the shit that goes down in your life. once you can do that, you will be well on your way to mastery my friends. because when you can be thankful even for the bad things, WHILE they are happening, the next step is being thankful for no reason at all. and that only brings pure happiness, regardless of the outer circumstances.

that's my lesson for the day. i hope you all can find some insight there :) i love becoming aware of the places where i need to grow. well, it's breakfast time! i finally woke up at the perfect time today! 10 am, yay! i've been waking up anywhere between 2 and 4 pm for the past several weeks, and missing out on all the wonderful sunlight! not today folks. today i'm using all the sunlight for my own benefit, and none of you can stop me, muahahahahahahahaha!

ok, peace out kids.

LOVE!

giving to the self through giving to others

2010-01-20T14:25:00.000-08:00

over the past two days, i've come to understand how amazing it really is to serve others. this hasn't yet taken the form of actually providing service to others on the physical plane. but i do have thought energy, and that counts for more than anything on the physical plane. thought comes first. everything you see around you now --your table, your coffee mug, your computer keyboard, your tshirt, your sneakers, your iPod-- all of it began as a thought. anything created by a human being had to begin as a thought.

EEG machines, and other brain-scanning technology tells us that a brainwave is a frequency. a thought is a vibration, too high in frequency to perceive with the 5 physical senses. a finished product --a table for example-- is a vibration as well, but it is lower in frequency so that on this physical plane, with these physical senses, we can perceive it. the atoms in a table are vibrating at a certain frequency which makes it "solid" and "brown" (or whatever color... the one i'm looking at is purple), and these traits are picked up by our senses: our eyes can sense the vibration of light which bounces off of the table and tells us it is a certain shape with a certain color and a certain size in a certain distance from you. your hands, or any other part of your body, can confirm its presence on the physical plane, telling you it is solid and it feels like the very shape your eyes are telling you it is. these physical sensations that you get in the presence of a table are not experienced with thoughts. you can imagine feeling these sensations, but the thought frequency is too high for you or anyone else to actually experience the sensations which accompany a physical encounter with a table.

a thought about a table is the same as a table, but the thought about it is higher in frequency, and cannot be perceived with our 5 physical senses. easy to understand, right?

so, in order to make manifest an idea -- in other words, a thought, or a high-frequency vibration that cannot be perceived by the 5 physical senses -- one must lower the vibration of the thought. a sound frequency is a lower vibration than a thought frequency. so voicing a thought aloud brings the vibration closer to that of a solid, measurable, perceivable product. you can sense the vibration of a word using the receptor called your "ear." the sound wave travels down your ear canal to your eardrum, which vibrates in sync with the sound wave. the eardrum's vibration is turned into an electrical signal to the brain, where it is stored in a different place from the original thought. now you have the original neurological pathway that the thought created, as well as the one created by hearing the sound of the thought. written word is also a lower frequency than thought.

i'm getting off track, the point is, manifesting is as easy as lowering the vibration of your thoughts into vibrations that are perceivable by your 5 physical senses, and the 5 physical senses of everyone else! it's not magic, it's science. it's not difficult to grasp.

back to my original point, i have thought energy to offer, and that's where it starts. by offering my thought energy to others, i give to myself. what i've been doing for the past two nights is, instead of trying to manifest good things for myself, i hold all of my friends and family members in my mind, and i put all of my enthusiastic thought and word energy into manifesting a wonderful day for everyone i love. i send my intention to the universe for the blessings of health, happiness, and easy, effortless, and loving interactions with everyone they meet the next day. i do this individually for several people in my life, and it feels so good. the key to manifesting is detachment from outcomes. well, it's super easy to be detached from outcomes when what you are manifesting isn't even in your life and has nothing to do with you.

so even if you think you have nothing to offer, offer your thoughts (prayers, if you will). thoughts DO hold power, and they DO affect matter. that which you offer to the world with love and blessings is always offered in return by the universe. the universe will always mirror the attitude you have. giving regretfully or stingily will result in the universe treating you the same. remember the Golden Law? the energy you send out is the energy you receive. you reap what you sew. do unto others as you would have them do unto you. it is not the Golden Rule. rules can be broken. this is the Golden Law. you cannot break this law, even if you want to. it will ALWAYS be followed, and you will ALWAYS experience the consequences (good or bad) of this law. following it consciously is the way in which you experience freedom. when you consciously give FIRST the energy which you know you enjoy experiencing, BY LAW you will receive the same energy. there's no fake it till you make it either. the universe knows when your words don't match your thoughts! so work on your thoughts first. that is the first step. work on your thoughts. always be aware of what your mind is creating inside your head, because it doesn't just stay there. your thoughts will manifest as the physical "reality" you experience, EVERY SINGLE TIME. whether you like it or not. whether you believe it or not. you don't have to try to manifest things. that's jumping ahead of yourself. cultivate a mind of awareness and love and gratitude and blessings for others, and that is what will manifest in your physical world. you don't have to try to do anything. just be conscious of your thoughts.

hahahaha, this has been one rambling post! i hope at least one person reading this has found some insight in this! hehehe.

LOVE!

the dance of destruction and transformation

2010-01-17T19:21:00.000-08:00

i had a really powerful day today.

first let me fill you in on some of what i've been experiencing lately. outer circumstances, and my own forgetfulness of Who I Am, had thrown me into a bit of leftover depression. when i talk about depression, i'm not talking about feeling a little sad, or feeling a little bummed-out. i'm talking about total, soul-crushing, mind-numbing darkness. i'm talking about wishing i could stop existing, but knowing that it is impossible to do so. i'm talking about wishing i could avoid everything that i have created for myself to start fresh, only to remember that it doesn't work that way. it takes an enormous amount of inner strength to pull oneself through something like that. i'm not the only person who has done it, either. i have survived, and not out of a desire to live. there were days when i had no desire at all to be alive, and i finally tried to act on that feeling (of course i failed, otherwise i would not be writing this). and it is only because i have consciously fought this desire to NOT be alive that i have come to learn the lessons i did in the past few days.

i have been spending a lot of thought energy trying to manifest my way back to school. but while i was trying to do that, another feeling was there that i was trying very hard to ignore. it was the feeling that it was not quite the time for me to be back at school. not just yet anyway. there are other things to be done first. i was trying VERY hard to ignore this feeling. but when i finally faced it, i realized it was right. if i were to go back to school now, i would be caught up in a quagmire of financial aid, paperwork, no housing, no food, and a bunch of stuff that has NOTHING to do with being a student. when i do go back, these things will have already been taken care of. i will not need to worry about anything except finishing my homework on time and doing my best. so i made the conscious choice to surrender to the inevitable, rather than waste my energy fighting it.

today, that feeling was confirmed.

today, i went to a Reiki Share Group in a small town near where i live. this is a group of several Reiki Level 3 women who practice healing each other. a friend of mine told me about the group, and although she didn't show up today, i went and really enjoyed myself. during my healing session, i had three women working on me at once. one woman was at my head, one at my feet, and one woman, Linda, was sort of observing my energy from afar. when i laid down and closed my eyes, i was of course bombarded with my usual onslaught of annoying, unnecessary thoughts. not necessarily fears, just stupid things that get in the way of me experiencing the Here And Now. anyway, i just told myself to relax and allow these beautiful women to give me this energy and show me love. all of a sudden, i felt this really intense energy in my stomach. it felt like the power that you feel when you put two like poles of a magnet close to each other. like a tingling, electricity feeling, but completely painless. but INTENSE. i have had Reiki sessions before, but i have never felt the energy so powerfully as i did today. i had my eyes closed and i was wondering what was going on! i opened my eyes, and Linda was standing next to me, with both of her hands over my stomach chakra, just smiling away! beaming! and i closed my eyes and just grinned, because it re-confirmed everything that my ego had been trying to make me doubt. when the women were finished, i sat up and they told me how they felt, and i told them how i felt. the woman who was at my feet had moved up my left side, touching her hands to each joint. i hadn't told her at all, but the most trouble with me happens on my left side. i don't know what it is. and she totally intuited that i needed help on that side of my body. what Linda had to say to me, though, was the most amazing message i have heard since i have been on this path.

first i have to tell you about the shroom trip i had this summer at a festival. i happened to meet a guy at this festival, and he told me he had a whole batch of shrooms that he grew himself. he offered me some, and i gladly obliged! but, not having had any legitimate mushrooms (just the shitty ones that occasionally pass through the campus community), i ended up taking quite a bit more than was probably advisable. that night i had one of the most powerful self-realizations of my life. this was the first time i remembered MySelf. i was dancing to this incredible performance by this native-american-infused rock band. they were chanting and beating drums.... the guitarist was like a gnarled old tree that had come to life and was SHREDDING the guitar. and there was this earth-angel-goddess playing the washboard, and every time i started to feel a little scared of how hard i was tripping, i just looked at her and took comfort and knew that everything would be okay. it was an INCREDIBLE experience. but at some point, as i was dancing, i got caught in eternity. lol, i know that sounds silly, but for a second i was literally stuck in eternity. i wondered to myself "how long have i been here? how long have i been dancing like this?" and this very "clear" voice, but not really a voice, more like a conscious presence within me, said "i have been here forever. i have ALWAYS been doing this dance." and in that moment, however long it was, i felt that i was Shiva and i felt that i had come to this planet with a very important purpose. i KNEW these feelings to be true, and i accepted them as truth. of course, after the shrooms wore off, i didn't really know what to make of this experience, so i sort of put it on the back-burner.

but today, Linda told me something that brought that back-burner to the forefront of my consciousness. she said that when she was over my stomach, she saw an image of Shiva, but it was me, and i was dancing and i had all my arms, giving love energy to the whole world. she told me that my aura was huge and that my crown chakra was basically blasting through the woman who was at my head. she had done an initial scan of my energy and could feel it everywhere. all of this amazed me, because i had never told anyone my experience of myself as Shiva. i never even put two-and-two together, that Shiva was the Lord of Dance, and that i was dancing and said "i have always been here, i have always been doing this dance." the name Shiva just sort of FELT right, but i was tripping balls on mushrooms, so i wasn't consciously thinking "oh, which god is the one that does that dance?" i just KNEW and FELT myself to be Shiva, incarnate on this planet, to do something really big.

now, i know this all sounds super crazy and pretty full of ego, but i don't care. i am completely independent of the good or bad opinion of others. today i was reminded that i have something big that i came here to do. i know that i am not more important than anyone else on this planet, or in this universe. everyone is equally as important as everyone else in the grand scheme of things. all things are connected, and you cannot remove any one part of the whole. it is ALL important. EVERYONE is important. these things i know to be true, and these are things i must remind myself of daily. YES i am god. and so is EVERYONE ELSE. so it is with great love and confidence that i say these things: i have a big role to play in this life. there are no small parts, only small actors. my taking up this role --whatever form it will take, because it isn't going to happen in an instant, and i am certainly not ready for it yet... i have a lot to learn, and a lot to master within myself-- is not diminishing any one of you and your EQUALLY important roles! barack obama is basically the figurehead of the world right now, but does that mean he is more important than the people who elected him and who work for his cause? absolutely not. i am telling you, with certainty and with humility, i am eventually going to be in a position similar to obama's position in america... but i am going to be that for the world. my ego feels daunted by the idea. but this is a purpose that i have known in my heart for my entire life, and which i forgot for a little while (namely in high school).

so why am i writing all of this in a blog? i dunno, i guess to just remind myself of the ultimate direction in which i'm headed, and perhaps to make you all think i'm crazy :P it's all good dude, i don't need to prove myself. i'm just going to surrender to the purpose that the universe has in store for me. i know it's there, and i know it's big. i don't know what it will be just yet, but i have a feeling that it's along the lines of what i just described. right now, i can live my humble little life, working at a bakery and praying and meditating and feeding the ducks and taking daily walks and all the other little things i do to keep myself sane. i know that the future is infinite in potential, and i'm excited to see it all unfold. i'm so glad that you are all on this path with me!

what about you guys? what self-realizing, big-bang-consciousness moments have you had? have you remembered your purpose? have you remembered how grand your life is meant to be? it's big! for all of us, our purpose is BIG. but not all of us are ready or willing, in this incarnation, to take up that BIGNESS and really fully accept it. i hope each and every one of you is as ready to change this world for the better as i am.

LOVE!

a little promoting, a little catching up!

2010-01-10T00:19:00.000-08:00

so first i'm going to do a little promotional rant here and talk about Philosopher's Notes. check it out at philosophersnotes.com. it's EFFING AWESOME. i have been going through repeated bouts of depression and discouragement and stress lately, and already it has given me some powerful tools to pull through those experiences. i managed to get a scholarship to have free access to all the notes. what a gift!

what is it? it's a collection of 100 of the most important/inspiring enlightenment/self-help books out there, boiled down to key points, and composed into 6-page PDFs. basically like enlightened cliffnotes or something, only way more helpful and spunky. plus, the guy who created it (i KNEW he was a gemini, gemini's always bring me blessings that change my life!) also recorded 20-minute clips of him reading the notes aloud, so you can listen and read (which really helps me focus on what is being said).

it's $47 for the whole set, but if you can't afford it, there is a scholarship application. all you have to do is explain your financial situation, and why you can't pay for the wisdom right now but sure could use it to make your life better. it's such a generous gift. i'm excited to be embarking on the 50-day challenge set up by FinerMinds.com (50 notes in 50 days, guaranteed transformation, with online support!). this team of people (finerminds and philosopher's notes) have really brought me a lot of joy and inspiration and motivation. so i recommend that everyone check out those websites!

it's sites like that which give me hope and ease my anxiety about the ever growing integration of technology into our everyday lives. it is sites like gratitudelog.com and the two others i mentioned which should be what the purpose of the internet is. not just information sharing (or nonsense sharing, or consumerism cultivation, or mindless distraction), but the sharing of ideas which will change our future for the better. the encouragement of others whom we have not yet met in "real" life.

so, moving on to my latest lessons. detachment. what is it? why is it important? why and how should we begin to cultivate it within ourselves?

detachment is hard to explain. i haven't really figured it out myself. it's difficult to achieve. there is a difference between being detached in the sense that you don't give a shit what is going to happen (in other words, apathy), and being detached from any expected outcome, lovingly knowing that the universe is always bringing you what is best for you. detachment is not running around, carelessly fucking things up and saying "oh well, it's all perfect in the universe." yes, everything IS all perfect in the universe. but letting go of intention and flailing around, stomping on people along the way, is not enlightenment. it is carelessness. and it will bring about misery, not just to the people around you who you are bashing into and saying "oops, my B dude," but to you as well. i know. trust me. i have been doing that for a few months now and have only recently been able to come to grips with what i am actually doing, and recognizing the glaring ego of my motivations. and i messed up a lot of friendships in the process. and i have subsequently been forced to sit in solitude, in the darkness of my own mind, and think about what i've done. the most agonizing session of cosmic "time-out" that i've ever had to endure! but of course, the universe knows exactly what is best for me and my growth, and i have learned a lot about myself and the extent of my ego.

detachment from outcomes is important to living a happy life. i haven't mastered it yet. i am not even close to mastering it. but i know in my heart it is something i must master, because it is my consistent downfall and bringer of pain and disappointment. i get my heart so set on an ideal that i have fantasized about, and it comes to the point where the "plan" is so detailed that i can't imagine the scenario going any other way. i am inevitably disappointed in the reality that comes my way, because it is not what i had planned. well, guess what? the universe doesn't give a shit about your puny plan. the universe DOES bring you exactly what you ask for, but usually it's not in a way that is recognized immediately. the universe has grander plans for you, and if you just set your intention in a specific direction, the HOW of it will manifest even more magnificently than your limited imagination can.

so detachment from HOW things unfold is important, but do not think this means you should detach from WHAT you wish to witness unfolding. there is a very big difference between WHAT and HOW. WHAT i want is to go back to school and get started on the incredible idea that i have been graced with. the HOW includes the following: paying for tuition, which semester i will be returning, where i will be living, how the money will come my way. all of these things are what the universe takes care of. if you have to ask yourself "how am i going to do that? how will i come up with all that money? how will i do this, how will i do that, blah blah blah...?" then you should probably stop and remind yourself that the HOW is none of your business. you don't have to worry about it, because the universe will take care of it in a beautiful and perfect way, beyond your imagining. so don't waste your thought energy on trying to imagine how you will get the things done that you want to do. that will only drain you. instead, focus your thought energy on being in the moment, and simultaneously keeping your eyez on the prize. i'm going back to school, and this time i have a purpose and a specific intention. but i need to allow the universe to do its job without me backseat driving the cosmic vehicle! i'm just going to tell the driver where i want to go, and trust that s/he will know the best route to take :)

like i always say, these lessons that i "teach" are always lessons i've had to go through myself, or with which i will soon be faced. either way, this is just my perspective, and i hope that seeing things from my perspective will help any of you who read this to understand your own a little better. i'm not claiming to be all-knowing. i'm just experiencing life like everyone else, and if my life lessons can inspire even one other person to grow in a necessary and beautiful way, then my purpose on this earth is fulfilled.

love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love LOVE!

an urgent request!

2010-01-06T18:12:00.001-08:00

For anyone who is reading this: i am asking for help!

i've decided to return to school this spring semester. i have finally realized what i want the purpose of my education to be, and i'm excited to embark on a new part of my journey.

so here's where i need help! i have to pay off what i owe the school before they allow me to register for classes. so i am requesting that anyone who reads this, hold a vision of me in your mind, returning to school this spring without any problems. a little prayer for me please!

i love all of you, and i'm so thankful to anyone who reads my blog entries. i'm excited to go back to school! i'm looking forward to seeing all of my awesome friends there :)

love!